Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Life among the herd: people are like horses

This post involves something I have been spending a lot of time thinking about and meditating over the last month.  I have had to face some tough decisions and decide who I am and how I am going to live my life.  I have been deciding who my friends are and who they are not and who is going to have a say on how I live my life. 

It has become clear to me that I have had a false sense of security and popularity. I have been secure in the knowledge that I had a tribe, a crew, a clique, a group.  I had been of the belief that those people were my people and that they loved me and would flow with me into this next phase of my life. I thought we were all for one and one for all. Even in minor skirmishes, I had the innocent, child life belief that it would all be ok in the end. They were the ones who encouraged me to get divorced and seek out a new place to live.  They were the ones who told me in no uncertain terms they were tired of my whining and I should get on with life.  They are also the ones who told me to get out there and date and experience life as I never had before.   (but not till after I was divorced of course) I should taste all kinds of different fruit/experiences as well as spend time alone so that I can truly know who I am and be comfortable just being with me.  These are all good pieces of advice.  Alone is good, being with people is good. A balance between the two is important. Other people have said that being alone is over rated and go have fun. I have done some of this as well.

Evidently I was really supposed to be spend more time alone. I heard endless lectures about why I should be alone more and why I should not date after being told I should go have fun...I understood (and understand) the point of view that says to be alone and rediscover one's self and ones true nature. I love to be alone. I love to come home to the quiet and not turn on a TV. I hate having the noise of a radio or TV just for noise sake. I can go days and days without a TV. I do like the company of people.  I like to connect and hear what they are doing, the little stories of their days, and share mine.   I overshared...Maggie tells me this is a problem of mine, especially since I have become single.  It's one I think about sometimes, but then in my zest for life and trading of information I forget myself and get carried away as I did in this case. I would given anything to go back and remove the blow by blow I gave of some of my situation and circumstances.  As I have moved down the pike in this experience I have realized I said way too much about things that I knew little about in an effort to better understand them. I should have written them in my little paper journal and kept all those vomitous thoughts to myself evidently.  I made a lot of wrong assumptions but I also learned a lot in that time frame.  However, I can't take back the wrong assumptions.

I need to learn to be happy within myself and not worry about the acceptance of others. But as a pleaser this is is so hard to do.  My friends' acceptance or lack thereof has been such a catalyst for change or stability through the years. It's very hard for me to say "this is my decision and I'm sticking to it" especially in light of being told that I'm wrong.  When people tell me I'm wrong about my feelings it makes me angry because no one can know about my feelings. I might be wrong about facts, but feelings are subjective and don't have a right or wrong.  When a seemingly small decision turns out to be a catalyst for a huge blow up it's hard to know what to do or think. I can either do what I'm being told to do or I can stand firm and do what I want to do and each has consequences. 

No man is an island so the cliche goes, but sometimes it feels as though I am.  I want so badly to be included and be part of something bigger.  I want so badly not to care what is being said behind my back or the behavior happening just out of reach that I know is there, but hidden from gaze. I have spent years working on this weakness and felt like I finally achieved a confidence that allowed me to stand alone, only to find it's all a lie. And then as you try to gain facts and puzzle out what's really going on all you hear is "let it go". My life is more than a trite Disney song. And how do you get back to the solitude you used to have before you had a group or tribe. I never had it before. I was an outsider, a band geek...then I belonged and now I don't seem to.

It's safe to say when several people or a group rejects you that you bear the brunt of much of the blame...after all if you have lost so many people then it must be your fault right? I mean, it must be if "everyone" reacts the same way. However, I'm not so sure anymore.  In my mind, a mistake was one decision, but probably it goes back farther.  It was probably a series of confident decisions I made while feeling good and strong and independent.   I have learned that whenever you believe in people (over God) too much, someone is going to let you down, as you will let other down as well.  There is no one is yours as an adult. We are all fallible. We all make mistakes, even those people who will never admit it.  But loyalty is something I Have prized highly in fellow man/woman and it's so hard to come by.  Since people are like horses in a herd, when one herd member changes or evolves or another herd member ends up with more power things shift and change and the herd redevelops differently.  You add a person or take a person away the entire dynamic changes and the relationships are forever different.

All my life I always wanted someone who was "mine"  either a husband or a best girl friends.  The person with whom you share everything and it doesn't come back to bite you. The person who reciprocates a mutual love/friendship.  This could be a husband, or more often girls have a best friends. I don't think men do this as much, but they are different...they typically don't tear each other down behind their backs.  I do have one friend like this. We have been friends since we were girls on the swim team. Even if we don't agree, I never doubt that she is there. I know she has always got my back.  When it comes to other people in the world we are always for each other.  I thought I had some of those people now but I"m finding as we get to be adults and everyone has an agenda it's hard to have someone that's yours.  At least, it's hard for other people to be "mine"  I do this for people all the time. I am a good friend and I make an effort to be there for people. I'm brave enough to say the unpopular because I love you and even if you don't like my opinion to don't leave. I may roll my eyes (not so privately sometimes) but I don't leave.  I'm there to pick up the pieces when people need that done too.  I would like a friend like this locally. Someone I know well enough to know what they are up to and they know what I'm about as well. I read books with characters who are these friends, but books are not real life.

After weeks of an impasse things are quieter. I'm learning to accept that it's time to move on. One friend recently told me that she makes it a practice to never tell anyone her business...ever...I guess that's a good policy though it seems a bit lonely. I love input, even when I go another direction, I still love to know what people thing and feel. Even when I disagree. 

I saw a meme the other day and I will post it here. It's becoming my mantra...


This is more who I am unfortunately.

So, moving forward and moving on. Some days will be harder than others and it will get easier with time I guess.  I'm so grateful to the people who are in my life and that I have such an awesome place to live with good friends here in Bluff Dale.  I have my horses outside my window and in spite of almost falling asleep driving home last night, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

I saw this on Facebook recently and I'm trying to take in the meaning behind it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-P0S0XDazA