tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42335870927748956742024-03-14T11:24:37.212-05:00Alice's Trail Ride Through LifeOne woman's journey through life as she juggles career, family and horses...but mostly it's about the horses.Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.comBlogger756125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-9076599265251623872020-12-19T13:34:00.001-05:002020-12-19T13:34:25.429-05:00I am a terrible present wrapper<div dir="ltr">I'm sitting here in my office wrapping presents. I have always been a terrible present wrapper. I blame my father, who was also a terrible present wrapper. When we were kids he worked at a bank as a VP and had a secretary. Her name was Pat Estes and then later Patty (but I don't remember her last name) and they were beautiful present wrappers. Especially Pat, she was an amazing Present wrapper. Dad rarely did any of the actual shopping I think. I think he sent Pat to the store to buy the presents for my mom and they would appear under the tree wrapped for her and they were beautiful. One year he actually went shopping. I honestly don't remember if he shopped for me or for me, but I remember he brought home a present and put it under the tree and it was the ugliest wrapped present I'd ever seen. I quickly said that it must have been dad wrapped. He agreed that yes, he had indeed wrapped that present himself. He thought it was funny, so I must have been wrong enough that saying the present was dad wrapped was cute. But after that it kind of became a thing. He would dad wrap at least one thing a year after that. <div><br></div><div>Over the last few years, I'm pretty sure his wife, Shirely did any wrapping, but usually our gifts came in gift bags. So no dad wrapped presents...but there is one thing we always got for Christmas that required no wrapping and that was "the coin" Even last year before Dad was put on the ventilator (a year ago tomorrow) He reminded Shirley to be sure and get the coin for our Christmas. The doctors had told Dad it would be temporary and he believed with all his heart he'd be around at Christmas but he knew that the days the bank would be opened were numbered so he had to make sure we got our coin...and we did.</div><div><br></div><div>This is the second Christmas without him, but the first Christmas that it has really sunk in. Mostly I have been ok, except when some sweet person asks me if I'm ok and then I have to think about it and I get sad all over again. Like just now wrapping presents and remembering how bad I am at it. Christmas will arrive and I will keep the tradition of the cinnamon roll...I didn't do it last year. I was just too sad. Dad left us on the 23rd as we drove home from Missouri, and then we have had such a crazy year since. So, I'm determined to get back into the swing of things. Dad loved Christmas and I'm determined not to be sad. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div><div id="DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2"><br> <table style="border-top:1px solid #d3d4de"> <tr> <td style="width:55px;padding-top:13px"><a href="https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail&utm_term=icon" target="_blank"><img src="https://ipmcdn.avast.com/images/icons/icon-envelope-tick-round-orange-animated-no-repeat-v1.gif" alt="" width="46" height="29" style="width: 46px; height: 29px;"></a></td> <td style="width:470px;padding-top:12px;color:#41424e;font-size:13px;font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;line-height:18px">Virus-free. <a href="https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail&utm_term=link" target="_blank" style="color:#4453ea">www.avast.com</a> </td> </tr> </table><a href="#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2" width="1" height="1"></a></div> Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-25291400798708337052020-11-10T09:57:00.001-05:002020-11-10T09:57:22.466-05:00this past weekend<div dir="ltr">This past weekend we went to Bell Cow lake for a competition. I was to be the leisure judge and Mike was the safety chair (which means, he was the sweep rider behind everyone to make sure no one got lost or helped people if they had a problem). We went Thursday and it was going to be a mini vacation for us to relax and ride some pretty trails. Friday we got up and took our ride, hung out with our friends and about 4 I was thinking about just kicking back and chilling in my chair, maybe napping, because our ride meeting was at 5:30 and dinner was at 7. I was making a drink at the back of Mike's truck and I heard another competitor call to her horse telling him to stop. Her saddle had slipped when she was mounting and he took off bucking across the camp ground. He kept circling and bucking with his saddle getting beaten to heck and he circled toward us. I walked toward him thinking I could cut him off, but I was still a long way away. I was looking at it like a pool game, thinking if he kept going this way I could go that way etc. About that time I saw Voodoo, who was in a really good pen, rearing up and go over the gate, but she didn't make all the way and got hung on a 2 3/8 inch post and it impaled her right behind the udder. I saw blood dripping down the post and just knew she was bleeding out from her femoral artery. Immediately all of my friends (and my husband who was right there and saw everything too) were there to help. she was hanging by the skin on the back of her leg and it's amazing it didn't go all the way through her leg. The entire camp mobilized to help. We had meds and were able to get them in her to calm her down. The vet for the ride came over and thank the Lord we had a ton of men with tons of tools in camp for this ride. Mike always has more tools than anyone would think necessary, but I will never again complain. My girlfriends took me away because I was a wreck...In the end they were able to bring her down and they tried to keep the post in place but it came out. She did not nick an artery and apparently did not break any bones, but she has torn muscles. We took her to the premiere equine vet hospital in the area and they were amazed but it looks like, barring a few potential complications (muscle infection, laminitis in the good back foot), she will be ok. In the meantime one of the men helping, also named Mike, broke his ankle when she rolled on him trying to get up, but he had surgery and they think he will be ok too. I picked her up yesterday in Edmond and we took her to a place a couple hours from me where they do wound rehab and they will get her along as best they can. Many of my friends from the ride donated some money to help with her expenses, including the lady with the misbehaving horse who I in no way blame. One of my friends said I should probably put her down from a financial standpoint but I can't. She is too good a horse and takes such good care of me that I just can't do it. I know my dad would be having a fit spending all this money on "just a horse" and the thought did occur to me too that if his estate ever gets settled and I actually end up with anything I might just have to use some of this money to save the horse lol. (I don't know if I ever told you but Maggie spent part of what he gave her buying a really nice horse and a trailer) So, this is my update for now. I just wanted to tell you what was happening...now I have to go to work to earn some money to pay some vet bills. And I will enjoy every minute of it.</div><div id="DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2"><br> <table style="border-top:1px solid #d3d4de"> <tr> <td style="width:55px;padding-top:13px"><a href="https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail&utm_term=icon" target="_blank"><img src="https://ipmcdn.avast.com/images/icons/icon-envelope-tick-round-orange-animated-no-repeat-v1.gif" alt="" width="46" height="29" style="width: 46px; height: 29px;"></a></td> <td style="width:470px;padding-top:12px;color:#41424e;font-size:13px;font-family:Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;line-height:18px">Virus-free. <a href="https://www.avast.com/sig-email?utm_medium=email&utm_source=link&utm_campaign=sig-email&utm_content=webmail&utm_term=link" target="_blank" style="color:#4453ea">www.avast.com</a> </td> </tr> </table><a href="#DAB4FAD8-2DD7-40BB-A1B8-4E2AA1F9FDF2" width="1" height="1"></a></div> Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-67411232876891571512020-04-02T13:51:00.002-05:002020-04-02T13:51:38.680-05:00Lemonade from Lemons<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have a bit of optimism and hope for the day. I almost feel guilty feeling happy about The stressful time that we are going through as a nation. However this is my current Takeaway. This is going to be long so I warn you.<br />
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I have been wanting to do something different for a while. I have not been doing anything different than what I know which is music and massage therapy with handicapped children and adults. I do love my work and I am missing it though not to the extent that I thought I might. It’s not that I am not missing my clients in particular it’s that I am not missing driving to temple in Killeen in Waco etc. every day somewhere else. I have not been into town in over three weeks and I cannot say I have missed it a little even a little bit.. Ironically today I am out driving delivery groceries and food with favor in Gatesville but that somehow feel differently because I’m still home.<br />
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Also yesterday Michael Perryman found out that he was going to be getting A lot of new contract from the lady he works for. It is enough contracts but I may not have to go back to driving longer distances that I have been driving. I very well may be able to give massages locally and develop my music therapy clientele locally. I am going to be doing the paperwork and office work for our business. I have said out loud many times in the last six months that this is what I would like to do. When they have the next class for maintenance I’m a go take that class as well. <br />
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Of course the full impact of the situation has not hit me yet because I still have two more trucks to come. However I am hoping that with a little belt tightening and a lot of grace from the world things will keep going and possibly even improve on what they are currently. And of course I will be working on my home business of health and wellness products.<br />
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God is good all of the time all of the time God is good!</div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-9126742059897684902020-03-30T10:12:00.000-05:002020-03-30T10:12:02.744-05:00Feeling the Strain<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today I am dealing with my loss (potential loss) from all this Covid-19 stuff. I signed up to do the Harry Whitney clinic for this year. I paid my deposit in January. I have diligently saved my money to pay for the clinic. Now, with Trump recommending isolation through the end of April I don't know if I should spend that money I so diligently saved to do this clinic. Well, that's not true. I know that I should NOT spend the money to do the clinic, but I don't want to be that person who quits. I also don't want to be the person who can't pay my bills. I wish I were more in a position like my dad was when we were growing up. I know he was out of work a few times but I never really noticed that we didn't have money b/c I'm sure we had savings. I have friends that are either retired or able to work and the money won't be a thing for thing. Three years ago I was supposed to go and had to back out b/c of money. I was so careful to make sure I could do it this time. I'm still planning to at this moment but Michael and I talked last night about the folly of spending that money right now when I don't know if I will be able to work more than 6-7 hours per week till the end of April.<br />
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Let's be clear...I'm really enjoying not working. But I won't when two weeks from now I have a two week dry spell of money in the middle of the month b/c Mike's checks don't come till the end. I did work two hours last week. And I will work about 5 this week, but that's not nearly enough. Spending a week's income on a 5 day riding clinic never made a lot of sense, but it was doable with planning. Now, not so much. I don't want to be the one who was unreliable. I worry that they won't let me sign up again. I think there may not be another chance to do an intensive clinic like this one is. I want to do it so badly.<br />
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I keep hoping it will get cancelled on it's own and that I won't have to make a choice. And I know this is a really dumb thing to be sad about right now with everything going on.<br />
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I think I'm probably going to have to cancel my competition in May too. I just don't see how we will be ready to go again that fast after our social distancing is removed. <br />
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So, today I am sad. I'm going to do my paperwork and turn in my two hours and hit the sales train. We have two days to finish getting Sharon her bonus and I'm so wanting it to happen. Cross fingers and wish me luck</div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-76620103863553114272020-03-24T14:27:00.000-05:002020-03-24T14:27:03.871-05:00Horses in the time of Covid-10<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So the title was kind of a play on the book (which I haven't read) Love in the time of Cholera. Ok, that is all I have...<br />
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Sorry, I just turned on Fox news and they are saying they want to get the economy back to running and I'm wondering how that will work. I'm wondering how I can do massage by telehealth or if it's even possible. I'm wondering if I can do video to help people massage the folks around them and I wonder if I'm allowed to charge for that? I had been wanting to do a music therapy conferencing over the internet for birth music and bereavement music therapy, but I did not have a platform in place. I don't know how to do it now with no one working consistently or feeling like they have money. We already know that DSSW won't let us count telehealth toward our work hours which really stinks.<br />
<br />
So...I have horses who need training and working and today FINALLY it's warm and sunny. I spent an hour outside today doing horse chores and another hour getting stormy mud free and doctoring an old wound that has already started to heal over. She is so good. I can hardly wait till she is my company for riding I just wish she was gaited. We worked in a bosal just getting her to turn her head and not back up when pressure was on her face. I also did the same in a bit. She is so bright and after she got it both directions a few time I stopped.<br />
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I really want to work Voodoo today later, but right now she and Joe bob ran out with the herd. I'll try to get her back in this evening.<br />
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Is anyone else having trouble remember what day it is?<br />
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I know I had more to write when I was walking around outside, but now that I'm in here listening to Fox news all my thoughts have gone out the window...More later.<br />
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Please subscribe to my work blog at aliceperryman.com and please talk to me about my awesome weight loss products b/c sales is all I have right now.</div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-68558378367039655752020-03-17T14:33:00.000-05:002020-03-17T14:33:08.563-05:00Hanging in There<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Well life has sure taken a turn this week. Two weeks ago we were planning on having raising the bar at cbar stables and today we are all sitting at home, not completely sure that we are carrying on right. I haven't been sure if I should see clients or if I should stay home or not. Some of my clients have cancelled and I cancelled on others. I know that everyone thinks they are healthy so it's hard to know if I we are healthy or if we really should stay apart. I love to be home, but having to stay home feels weird. I keep second guessing myself on what I should be doing.<br />
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I'm trying to get my home business going more while I'm stuck here at home. I have a plan and I have been trying to work it but dang sales are slow...most people are nervous to buy or commit right now and I can't say that I blame them.<br />
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So I am doing a bunch of online training for network marketing, I'm doing cmte classes and I'm doing my thai yoga and doula class. I'm now getting a telehealth business set up. I have set up a professional <a href="http://aliceperryman.com/" target="_blank">website and blog</a>.<br />
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I launch my new office in Gatesville on April 1, so hopefully I'll be filling in the gap in the mean time.<br />
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I hope that I am going to get back to blogging more. but, it's time for a webinar, so I'm going to fly.</div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-67133071983430016012020-02-19T12:24:00.001-05:002020-02-19T12:24:19.001-05:00Weird dream from 2013 <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Ok, so I had a long post about my weird dreams and my sleeping OK between coughing and it's vanished. so here goes again. I dreamed that I needed to keep looking for Bonnie, but then remembered in the dream that I didn't have to look for her anymore. sad, but real :-( Then I dreamed that there were cute little furry creatures who (i guess like zombies) would turn you into one of them if you touched them. I was trying to stay away from them when one brushed my leg. I started to mutate into one of the creatures and as I was transforming I was sad because I realized I would never be able to talk to anyone again because everyone shunned the creatures..but I would retain 100% of who I was inside. I don't know if the creatures talked to each other or not, but I woke up in a chilly sweat. I didn't like that dream at all.</div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-17169117871673572222019-11-12T08:30:00.002-05:002019-11-12T08:30:58.882-05:00This may become my weird dream blog...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I had the weirdest dream last night...this happens alot these days and I'm pretty sure it's the hormone therapy I take that leads me to sleep so much better than I did. I'm not at all worried about the weird dreams and sometimes I find it puts me in touch with parts of myself I hadn't thought about in years.<br />
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I am trying to write the dream down before it fades, but I may already be too late. It was about a guy I liked in HS named Ralph (Rafael) Aponte. He went to Hickman Mills HS and we met when his choir came to my church to sing. I remember he was short, but really good looking. I thought he looked like Richard Gere. We spent hours on the phone but only went on two dates and I remember they were disappointing. Both times I ended up having to pay...made me happy I worked hard and always carried money or I'd have been doing dishes. Once we went with Marva and her boyfriend David. I don't remember much about the other date, I just remember there were two. I think after he didn't pay twice, or even pay his half I was disillusioned. My parents wouldn't let me drive to the part of town where he lived so I didn't have a lot of opportunity to see him. I got in trouble plenty of times for being on the phone too long talking to him in the era of busy signals and no call waiting. When I lived in KY one of the band directors there had been a HM grad and knew him and we talked about him a bit. <br />
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In the dream I was still emotionally pursuing this elusive boy. He was supposed to be at a party where I was and he supposedly really liked me, but he would never act like he actually really liked me. In the dream his folks wanted him to go out with me but I never actually met his parents, nor did I see them in the dream. It must have been a murder mystery story party b/c Annette and Amy were in it too and we were putting on a play for the guests...only it was hard to tell if it was a party of if the story in the party turned real. At the end of the dream, my true love came and held my hands and told me he loved me and I forgot about Ralph. I'm guessing my true love was Michael, but there is really no telling b/c it was a dream. so it may have been mike even though it didn't look like mike.<br />
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So I woke up thinking about this guy I haven't thought of in years and I went to googling him. I found this news <a href="https://www.kshb.com/news/local-news/ice-arrests-kc-mom-outside-of-child-custody-hearing-attorneys-say-its-suspicious" target="_blank">article</a>. I watched the news story and the photo of Rafael kind of looks like what I think he would look like today. And it says he was a veteran which I do seem to remember that he was in the military. All in all it has me wondering about someone I hadn't thought of in a long time and it makes me wonder how the brain holds these memories deep.<br />
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<br /></div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-22291695483036378752019-06-16T11:30:00.004-05:002019-06-16T11:33:54.546-05:00Sermon notes 6/16. Freedom <p></p><p>"But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger!"</p><p>LUKE 15:17 NASB</p><p>https://www.bible.com/100/luk.15.17.nasb</p><p></p><ul><li>We must admit we have a problem. people can’t get free until they admit they need help. <br></li><li>Repent to God and others. Repentance and confession are not the same. It’s not just the changing your mind about yourself not just the sin. <br></li></ul>"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much."<p></p><p></p><p>JAMES 5:16 NASB</p><p> https://www.bible.com/100/jas.5.16.nasb</p><p>"But he became angry and was not willing to go in; and his father came out and began pleading with him. But he answered and said to his father, ‘Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.’"</p><p>LUKE 15:28-30 NASB</p><p>https://www.bible.com/100/luk.15.28-30.nasb</p><p></p><ul><li>If you are going to have to get free you have to receive the robe of righteousness from Jesus</li><li>Ring of authority. </li></ul><p></p><p>"Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you."</p><p>LUKE 10:19 NASB</p><p>https://www.bible.com/100/luk.10.19.nasb</p><p></p><ul><li>The shoes of power acts chapter 1:8. We shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes over us </li></ul><p></p><p></p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-73256928796511750152019-06-09T11:04:00.003-05:002019-06-16T11:04:39.899-05:00Sermon notes 6-9 broken hearts and bruises"So He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up. And as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up to read. And He was handed the book of the prophet Isaiah. And when He had opened the book, He found the place where it was written: "The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed;<p><br></p><p>Then He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him. And He began to say to them, "Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.""</p><p>Luke 4:16-18, 20-21 NKJV</p><p>These verses hold all the foundations of healing. </p><p>Preach the gospel to the poor, heal the broken hearted, healing and liberty to the oppressed </p><p>We are born rejected from God. We can not have a relationship with a God unless we have atonement </p><p>"According to the number of the days in which you spied out the land, forty days, for each day you shall bear your guilt one year, namely forty years, and you shall know My rejection."</p><p>Numbers 14:34 NKJV</p><p>"Israel has rejected the good; The enemy will pursue him."</p><p>Hosea 8:3 NKJV</p><p>7 spirits (not good ones) broken hearts </p><p></p><ol><li>Anger--fear of rejection and it brings out anger </li><li>Insecurity--people who constantly need attention</li><li>Pride--these people talk a lot </li><li>Independence--don’t need anyone or anything </li><li>Those who are easily offended--every comment is taken very personally...they can’t let go of offense </li><li>Excessive shyness or loneliness--fear of people. </li><li>Control and manipulation--when you have a spirit of rejection then you can have this too. Those people manipulate everything around them so they don’t have to be rejected </li></ol><p></p><p>""The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed;"</p><p>Luke 4:18 NKJV</p><p>Bruises can hold us in bondage </p><p>"Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."</p><p>Matthew 18:21-22 NKJV</p><p>If we don’t forgive God will send us to the tormentors. </p><p>"Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."</p><p>James 4:7 NKJV</p><p>You must submit to God to resist the devil </p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-29894171350913118632019-05-04T11:04:00.001-05:002019-05-04T11:04:54.454-05:00Boundary Issues<div><div dir="auto">I have been examine my inability to make boundaries with people (and probably my horses as well. But for now I'm thinking about people.) Horses come up BC I'm sitting in a Harry Whitney clinic watching Harry setting boundaries for the horses so it's amplifying my awareness of my boundary setting trouble. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">I have been wrangling with how to reconcile the instinct that someone is untrustworthy vs the apparent facts. I never used to question this instinct and appearance with what may or may not actually be true. However I recently finished reading Brenė Brown's book Dare to Lead and in the book she talks about how the mind creates conspiracy theories and fills in facts where none exists. So I am now questioning myself. Before I pull the trigger on an accusation that can't be undone I want to make sure. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">When people have repeated negligent behavior that makes them untrustworthy. When they are smart enough to cover their tracks then there is a lack of actual proof that they are untrustworthy but simply incompetent how can you tell the difference? When people who apparently loved by all so things that are subtle and backhanded how is it they don't get caught? It's almost as though they manage to get people to not discuss their digressions because they have inspired loyalty. Or in my case they make me question who is trustworthy. There is literally no one with whom to verify my instincts and observations. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">The complete lack of communication adds to my suspicion and belief that a person is untrustworthy. In her book Brené says that people who never ask for help so not inspire trust. I had to really think about this awhile to digest it but it's completely true. I think it's why I absolutely trust some people and not others but I had never pin pointed it until I read it in this book. And then there are the people to whom I offer help and I get shamed into believing I'm a micromanager. When do I know for sure that the person is looking out for number one to my detriment before they harm me? Especially with no concrete proof?</div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto"><div dir="auto">This leads me to explore why I have trouble firming up and setting boundaries where they need to be set. There are people taking advantage of us and whenever I set a boundary and get push back I currently lack courage to continue forward on the path I know is the right one. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">I know that part of it is my desire to be perceived as a nice person. I am learning to care about that less but it still hovers in the back of my mind. I want to question people close to the source to find out what they are saying or doing so I have proof but often those folks have so much displaced loyalty from others that I can't be sure I can ask the questions I need to ask to verify truth. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">In her book participating in daring leadership is all about talking to people and not about people. So, I think I may have to just suck it up, stop sugar coating and explain why I am finding the people u trustworthy. However since I have trouble believing in them it's next to impossible to believe in their answers. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">This situation reminds me of when I was getting divorced. I wanted concrete reasons to go. I wanted proof I could see (that I should leave) but since the person involved was clever and conniving (from my point of view) I never had clear hard evidence of all the things I suspected. I finally had to trust my gut and make my own choices. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">I know that when I make my move (I write I but mean Michael as well) the relationship will be over. I used to care about saving the relationship(s) but I have grown apathetic about the decision. Ambivalence is thankfully gone. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div><div dir="auto">I'm blessed that my confidence has grown. I now have to reconcile that others will see me as difficult because I stood my ground and even pushed back a little. As Harry would say "I'm coming into my own pressure" I'm standing my ground and pushing my way up the herd. It's terifying but time. </div><div dir="auto"><br></div></div> </div> Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-4979421217982374352019-05-02T06:53:00.000-05:002019-05-02T06:54:12.128-05:00Origin of the word scape goat<div dir="ltr">This was from an old sermon note I took awhile back but never published.<div><br></div><div><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:"Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:13px">in the Bible) a goat sent into the wilderness after the Jewish chief priest had symbolically laid the sins of the people upon it (Lev. 16).</span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:"Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:13px"><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:"Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:13px"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:"Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:13px">.a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency </span><br style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:"Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:13px"><span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:"Helvetica Neue",Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:13px">synonyms: whipping boy</span> <br></div></div> Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-41846718684524816362019-02-27T14:19:00.000-05:002019-03-03T11:53:41.980-05:00This was an amazing podcast <p>https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/christy-wrights-business-boutique/id1138081298?mt=2&i=1000428211195</p><p><br></p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-28658683992733240622019-02-03T12:23:00.016-05:002019-02-03T14:13:03.857-05:00I got offended. Sermons notes <p></p><p></p><p>"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."</p><p>2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB</p><p>Being offended gives the enemy more power. </p><p>I think about this because I have been offended and I told people about it inappropriately. Of course the other parties have been offended by me so I guess we are all even. But this isn’t something I want to be hanging onto. I know I have made mistakes while offended. Max’s sermons on this subject have really been hitting home. I have finally begin to let go of the hurts and anger that have built up over the last few years. I have made amends where I can and I have to move on where I can not fix it. I can only make changes to myself and hope that others will forgive me for my weakness. </p><p>If we are a mature Christian we should not be offended by people. We should talk to the person who has caused us to be offended or who we have offended. If we don’t resolve the offense we run the risk of feeling justified in our behavior and feelings. And then we live in sin. </p><p>"He said to His disciples, "It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble. Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him.""</p><p>Luke 17:1-4 NASB</p><p>I have a friend who is always grace personified. She doesn’t criticize or gossip. Everyone loves her. I often wish I could be that way. I don’t try hard enough. <br></p><p>Offenses will come. It’s part of life. </p><p>"the princes of the Ammonites said to Hanun their lord, "Do you think that David is honoring your father because he has sent consolers to you? Has David not sent his servants to you in order to search the city, to spy it out and overthrow it?""</p><p>2 Samuel 10:3 NASB</p><p>Many times people invent offenses that aren’t even there. We imagine that people are offending us. (Of course, I tend to be stupid about people trying offend or out me off) I often make excuses for people that are trying to push me away or ditch me and I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. So,Erika’s people act like they are offended by you and push back when communication would fix everything. </p><p>If we are doing the right thing no one will be offended? Wrong. </p><p>"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, " VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord."</p><p>Romans 12:19 NASB</p><p>We don’t need to seek revenge. He will take care of our offenses. </p><p>If you are going to move past the offense you have to let it go. </p><p>Forgive. <br></p><p>If someone offended you don’t go telling them. Make it right with God and move on. The person does not need to know that you are offended. </p><p>Do not live offended. Forgive. </p><p>His power is made perfect in our weakness. <br></p><p>Proverbs 24:10 "If you are slack in the day of distress, Your strength is limited." Don’t quit. Don’t let someone get you out of the game. </p><p>And then just like that as I leave with good intentions, someone smacks me down and offends me. I really think that I am not easily offended but in this situation I don’t know how to handle a person who is intentionally being rude and attempting to offend. In this case I walked away but I have a bitter taste in my mouth. </p><p><br></p><p></p><p></p><p></p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-89946485053263660652019-01-20T12:30:00.003-05:002019-01-20T12:34:08.494-05:00My apologies "So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift."<p>Matthew 5:23-24 HCSB</p><p>https://www.bible.com/72/mat.5.23-24.hcsb</p><p>I made a huge mistake last summer when I spoke badly if someone who I had called friend. I was hurt and I was angry and I should not have aired my dirty laundry in public. I did it because I felt angry and hurt and couldn’t get them to engage with me to resolve the problem but I was 100% wrong. I have made overtures to fix it but I’m not sure it can or will be fixed. I do repent my behavior and vow to not behave this way in the future. Christ calls me to not go behind the backs of others and I need to always remember that. </p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-22410372515704678292019-01-15T11:01:00.014-05:002019-01-15T14:55:59.572-05:00Word for 2018<p>I heard an interview with Author Karina Nelson about her book, Artful Eating. She is a psychologist specializes in the psychology of eating and why people eat. She helps people repair their relationship with food. She has a website and a podcast. The podcast was done once a month for 2018. I heard her interviewed by Dave Jackson on the Logical Weight Loss Podcast. Like Dave, I have successfully lost my body weight many times over. She says that he (and me too for that matter) is playing the wrong tape in our heads and we need to change our way of thinking. </p><p>I ordered her book before I was done listening to the podcast. </p><p> I know that my relationship with food sucks. </p><p>I decided to listen to her podcast while I wait for the book to arrive. In the first podcast she suggests that people choose a word for the year. I started listening to this last evening when I was having trouble sleeping and unfortunately thinking about the word that I wanted for the year did not help me sleep. I woke up this morning still trying to figure out what I word I should choose for the year and while I have thought of a few none are really striking the right chord. </p><p>She has a word for the month which is Adagio. She said that people tend to start the new year with a flurry of activity and we should take the time to move a little mor3 slowly and be at ease. It has occurred to me that perhaps Adagio should be my word of the year as well since it’s Latin meaning is ‘at ease’. Adagio is also the name of my business so it occurs to me that Adagio could encompass many things for me. </p><p>The first word I tossed around was Acceptance. It’s time for me to accept and embrace the person I have become and am becoming. It’s time to accept that this body is the one I have and while I may not be thin I am healthy and active and happy. It’s time to stop beating myself up for food and lifestyle choices and be happy with a slower, more content life. I was afraid that if I had acceptance as my word I would not get off my butt and continue to grow. </p><p>While I am trying to reinvent myself I need to accept the fact that I also need to be at ease or Adagio with what I have already achieved and who I am. I have no experience with a being at ease. I am not comfortable with myself all the time and that is something I need to change. Instead of thinking about how disgusted I am with myself that I have gained weight back I need to think about how comfortable I am with myself. How adagio I am in my relationship with Michael, my daughter, my body and my surroundings. Instead of thinking about what I have not achieved or what I want to achieve think about how grateful I am about what I have. While I am trying to reinvent myself I need to sitter the fact that I also need to be at ease or Adagio with what I have already achieved and who I am. Michael has long told me that he wants to see me more relaxed. I think I have been afraid that if I relax I will become lazy and lose my drive. I am starting to see that being at ease or Adagio will only help me achieve more because it will help me focus.</p><p>So my word for 2019 is Adagio or at ease. </p><p>Adagio will be difficult to achieve today. I have been on steroids for a week for my lung infection and asthma and today is my first day off. I slept very poorly last night, not falling asleep until after midnight. I had to be up before six to go to the chiropractor at 7 AM. I find myself jittery and unfocused. I am not seeing in the normal way. I wish to have a calm and relaxed feeling inside my soul. Fortunately today is not a long or difficult day. I have five clients to see three massages and to music. I will be home by around 7 PM and can have the evening to relax. Tomorrow promises to be a beautiful morning and I will get up and play with Vandemere before I have to start my day.</p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-37867862354248098762019-01-13T14:28:00.001-05:002019-01-13T14:28:07.289-05:00Getting Older isn't for Sissies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I hear this all the time and never have I really felt it more than this year. I have been getting ahead a bit...working more and seeing more clients, making more money, but then in November that just sort of came crashing down with our two weeks illness. In my adult life I have never missed 2 weeks of work in a row from work for any reason and this wasn't even for fun. Then I worked 3 weeks, got through the holiday week where I saw just a few clients and got sick again. This second time was almost work, shorter lived but with the wheezing and asthma I used to get in my childhood. I had to get prednisone from the doctor which came with it's own hazards and feeling bad. I have now been sick for so long I can honestly say I'm sick of crocheting and watching TV. There is so much work that needs to be done and watching McLeod's daughters (almost done, in the 7th of 8 seasons now) makes me see how much work we need to be accomplishing at our own place...only now Mike is sick too. <br />
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Today is a pretty but cold day outside. I'm in my office, working on paperwork. I have a gas heater and 3 of the dogs are in here next to it to stay warm. It's not that cold, but for someone who has been wheezing all night, and who's sleep has only just gotten back to normal, it's good to inside. I had really hoped to do something with one of the horses today, but I think I'm just going to have to leave it for now. I'll have to go out and feed eventually, but I'm stalling because I want to do my paperwork...well, I'm stalling doing everything but writing in my blog.<br />
<br />
Maggie will be moving back to Weatherford at the end of the week. She is taking back her old job at the barn where she will make more money and be with her friends and go back to school at Weatherford college. Coming here and trying on some other classes has made her see exactly what she doesn't want to do. Whether it ends up being the mortuary sciences like she was thinking, or some sort of farm management/business, she is happy to be going back. She gave it a good go here, but Gatesville just hasn't been for her at all. She will stay with her dad a few weeks and then she will get her trailer registered and we will move it up to her friend's farm where she can live for relatively low rent and have a horse. This will make us all happy so we have less mouths to feed. <br />
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Soon Ember and Ivan should be going next door to my friend, Jenna's, house. She is literally our next door neighbor even though it's 2 miles away. Ember seems to be the slower and more calm of the two. Ivan is very showy and will be a good horse for them down the road. They will likely send them to training before they do any real competitions with them, though Jenna is quite the horse woman and Rena, only 13, has great instincts. Rena already rides Ember around here all over the place and they have a good time, no saddle. I'd really like to see our herd get reduced. A couple of old ones are kind of just hanging on. It would be good to have fewer horses.<br />
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I lay awake a long time worrying last night. I hate that we have a surplus or we have a shortage. I do know that it always works out, but sometimes I wish I had a job with a regular paycheck and sick days. Once I start to worry about one thing then I worry about everything. It all snowballs on me. And it seems to do it worse whenever I am unable to fix it...being sick I cant get on it.<br />
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It seems like this is the longest I have been down and inactive in my memory. Even when I fractured my arm last summer I was back at it pretty quick. When I broke my shoulder I was a young stay at home mom and I was pretty good after the first couple weeks. Not being able to breath has just been miserable.<br />
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I know that my dad wanted me to come up this last Christmas, but it was good I didn't. I really like having Christmas at home with our grandchildren. And I just didn't have the cash. I mean, I could have done, but it would have been money that needed to go elsewhere. I know he didn't really understand but sometimes it's just the way it is. I know that Texas not close, but they travel other places and with the farm we really try not to anymore than we have to. This year I'm cutting back on a lot of things. We are going to rides, but we will be volunteering more and competing much less, if at all. I do admit, having been sick at home, I'm kind of ready to get out there. Wherever there is.<br />
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Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-10618898323498057702018-12-26T11:29:00.000-05:002018-12-26T11:29:13.342-05:00Thinking about Christmas past <p>Missing people with whom I was friends and no longer talk to. Makes me sad to think that I have done things and things have been said to separate us. It’s not just my fault. It took both people in the relationship to get us where we are now. I know that these relationships probably can’t be repaired. This season of renewal I’m letting the bitterness and resentment go. I can’t get the other folks to repair the relationship. I can hope that with time we can all forgive each other. Or if not we can be polite and move in our own circles. <p></p></p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-79380168326658511442018-12-23T12:06:00.006-05:002018-12-23T13:07:23.436-05:00Jesus is our Savior<p></p><p>"for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."</p><p>Luke 2:11 NASB</p><p></p><ul><li>Jesus saves us from our sin. He does not save us in our sin. <br></li><li>He went to the cross so he could save us from our sin </li><li>He is not mad at us. He is mad about us. </li></ul>If you feel shame that is from the evil one not from God. <p></p><p></p><b>The first gift. Total and complete forgiveness. </b><p></p><p></p><ul><li>We often won’t forgive ourselves so we can not believe that Jesus forgives us. Pride stops us from from forgiving myself. (Personal note--I think maybe I have finally learned how to do this. )<br></li></ul><p></p><p><span style="font-weight: bold;"><b>The second gift is peace. </b></span></p><p></p><ul><li><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br></span></li><li><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span>Those who love Your law have great peace, And nothing causes them to stumble."Psalms 119:165 NASB. <br></li><li>Jesus is the Prince of peace. "Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!". 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NASB. <br></li><li>Three things that steal my peace. Guilt and grief and grudges will put me in my home made grave. (Personal Note...grudges can be hard. I will feel like I have given up a grudge and then I, reminded of it again. I am making an effort to give up the anger I have been feeling from the summer and let go of the hurt.). These three things turn into resentment. (Personal Note...yup I recently wrote a letter to provide some closure for myself and while I’m happy to have it behind me but I need to let go of the anger and resentment. I like to talk these things out and I realize that not everyone does. A lot of people just like to let it go ). <br></li><li>"Peter said to them, "Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." Acts 2:38 NASB</li></ul><p></p><p><br></p><p></p><p></p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-40356168056435641702018-12-16T12:41:00.004-05:002018-12-16T13:36:10.236-05:00Secrets of the right path (psalm 23) sermon notes from Sunday <p></p><p>A. Who do I let in my life. </p><p></p><ul><li>Some people will just be in my life because we share DNA. be around people who have s teachable spirit and can teach us. </li><li>If they discourage you and speak death into your life banish them from your life. <br></li><li>We should be around people who minister to us who we can minister to. </li></ul><p></p><p>B. Make sure you know who to honor</p><p></p><ul><li>Every sin in our life deals with honor or lack of honor in our life. </li><li>Am I submitting myself to the authority of God’s word. </li><li>Am I going to honor my spouse ? </li></ul>C. Control your thought life <p></p><p></p><ul><li>Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."</li><li>Speak what you expect </li><li>Stay away from negaholics. </li><li>Luke 6:45 "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart."</li><li>Matthew 15:19-20 "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.""</li></ul>D. Excel in your present task <p></p><p></p><ul><li>Put it in your mind and heart that we are going to do the very best job we can at whatever we do. <br></li><li>Don’t get In a hurry. </li></ul>E. Is God pleased with the direction I am going. Do I have the nod of God<p></p><p></p><ul><li>"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Psalms 32:8 NASB</li><li>If you have the spirit of disruption you should settle down so that God had time to work on us and give us peace </li><li>Never make a decision without a Godly counsel. </li><li>Where there is no counsel people fall proverbs 11:14</li><li>Psalm 1:1. "How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!"</li><li>Watch God bless you so you can stay on the right trail. </li></ul>https://www.facebook.com/kara.lively.5/videos/1136104753233562/<p></p><p></p><p><br></p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-33167451301783924842018-12-03T15:23:00.000-05:002018-12-03T15:23:23.876-05:00Back to work<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Michael and I had a bout of illness that laid us up for 2 weeks. I don't think I have ever taken 2 straight weeks off in my adult life and certainly not for an illness since I have been a grown. It was as bad as when I had mono as a senior in HS. Today I finally ventured out into public and started trying to be among the living again. We missed the Christmas ride this past weekend because we were sick. I don't think that I ever missed a Christmas ride. It was sad.<br />
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I know that I am spending too much time thinking about the past. I have things I want to fix, but yet I don't want to apologize for them. I want to be apologized to. I want others to take responsibility. In the end no one takes responsibility and we all remain silent. I have written some heart felt letters to some people...don't know if I will send them. On one hand I think about being honest and clearing the air and maybe finding my way back to some friends. On the other hand, I feel like I will be the only one taking responsibility and then I will get angry, even if I don't say so. In the end things don't change.<br />
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I like closure but I'm finding other people don't. I don't know how to find closure without communication. I don't know how to get other people to communicate and talk even if it means having an argument. I'm ok with tears being shed and voices being raised to get to a point where a solution is reached. So many people would rather just forget and walk away. I don't know how to trust again without clearing the air. I don't know how to mend a friendship when I know other people have been meddling and those people are dishonest pot stirrers.<br />
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Someone recently said to me if you have one loyal friend in your life then you're doing pretty good. I thought this was a sad state of affairs that we may only have one person that we can really trust in our lives. I thought how happy I am to have that person in Michael, but it makes me sad when I think about all the people I have always thought were my loyal peeps and then found out they weren't...hence the letters I have written that I don't know if I will mail or not.<br />
<br />
I am grateful to the people I have in my life to whom I am loyal and are loyal to me. I am sad this Christmas season to be missing the people left behind. The branches and twigs who have fallen away.</div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-70529894788134796402018-11-06T12:46:00.006-05:002018-11-10T10:15:51.908-05:00Hustling for our worth versus knowing our value.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Paraphrased quote from Dare to Lead by Brene Brown.<br />
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When People do not understand where they are strong and where they deliver value to an organization they tend to hustle. This is not the good kind. This is the kind that hard to be around. They tend to help in ways that are not needed or where we are not strong, just to prove that they deserve a seat at the table. when we do not understand our value we tend to exaggerate our worst traits in ways that are not helpful. Or we unconsciously seek attention or validation of importance. It makes being right more important than getting it right. It creates franticness instead of calm cooperation.<br />
In daring leadership instead of hustling, we know our value.<br />
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I wrote this quote down the other day when I was driving between clients (Ok, I pulled over to write it down, I didn't actually write it down while I was driving) The quote hit me profoundly because I realized how often I have done this. I'm like that mole that keeps popping up in different holes trying to show people how awesome I am, but no one sees my effort, just the dirt I left behind. <br />
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I also think of my dog Lacie, who was good at tricks. I was trying to teach Willie, the dachshund a trick, but he wasn't getting it...behind him, Lacie was rolling around the kitchen doing the roll over trick...She was showing me that I didn't need Willie because I had her. I have done this with people. I have tried to be everything to everyone, which of course I can't be. I am learning that I am not a good leader. I'm a great second. I'm a great brain stormer and developer, but the being in charge and motivating others to do what I want is something I have not been good at in the past.<br />
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In her book, Brene says that Clarity is Kindness, so even if it seems mean up front, it is always more appropriate to speak plainly but kindly, than to be vague. Unclear is Unkind. I am adopting this point of view myself, but I have no way of getting other people to be clear with me. I have decided that I have to quit worrying about what others are thinking that they aren't saying. One quote that I heard recently was that what other people think of me is none of my business. I like that. It's hard not to care, not to find out or not to worry, but the rewards at the end of the day are great. All that stress and worry taken off my shoulders.<br />
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I still find myself thinking about the relationships I lost recently, but I have come to accept that it is ok. I wish I could still be close to them. But...I have new friends, new responsibilities. I also realize that I don't "need" those people to be or feel whole. I don't want to be someone's pity friend...I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I stand by my assertion that I would rather know the truth about a relationship than to believe that I am closer to someone than I am. In the long run it's less upsetting to realize who your allies are all the time.<br />
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Honestly, I'm learning that life is an a game of Survivor and I'm not very good at it.<br />
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I am in KC this weekend at the board meeting for NATRC. This is a pivotal meeting. I'm wishing that I could be riding, but here it's 14 degrees so I'm glad I'm inside.<br />
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Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-85765368769648137932018-10-10T10:47:00.004-05:002018-10-10T11:15:45.417-05:00On being a bully<p>As anyone who reads this and I’ve been having a crisis of spirit lately. I was called a bully or at the very least I was told that I bully my way into situations where I am not wanted.I have been thinking about all the situation and include the person who said this and I can totally see it from her perspective. But, the reason I was "bullying" was frequently because of dishonesty on the part of the other person. This has happened with more than one person so I know that it is in part because of my inability to read social cues accurately. </p><p>When someone gives me an excuse or a weak, in my opinion, reason for doing or not doing something I become a problem solver. I see those as obstacles be overcome more than I think about them as reasons a person does not want to do something with me. I have never thought about this as being a bully more than I have thought about it wanting to accomplish my goal. I personally feel like in today’s world people remain completely superficial and unwilling to open up their hearts and minds. So a ‘soft’ no is really a no not an obstacle and I definitely don’t always see that. People do not like honesty anymore. They want to hear half truths or excuses because truths are painful. I know that in this situation I have learned a lot about honesty and dishonesty. I have observed how mistakes are made when people do not communicate clearly. I can look back and see now how my behavior was interpreted even though it was never my intention. </p><p>This is a long reaching looking to the past. I think about all the times people have a sered me dishonestly or canceled last minute BC they never intended to follow through. I think about being told they don’t want to do a certain thing only to figure out it was me they didn’t want to do it with. I think about all the people who have been nasty behind my back but how I extended grace and played dumb anyway. </p><p>There is no way for me to change any of it, but only to take the knowledge and move forward. I also know that because of the situation I am way less likely to reach out in the future. I’m more likely to try less hard to connect with people. I am also more likely to be more sensitive and honest with people I am dealing with. <br></p>Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-44876021755273819752018-10-09T10:35:00.004-05:002018-10-09T12:01:11.517-05:00Losing Faith<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have gained great faith in God but lost a lot of faith in people. I find that I no longer feel like I have any idea how people are going to react or behave. I find that people are so sensitive over things I think they shouldn't be...but then again I have my own sensitivity as well. So, even in my disappointment and disillusionment I do still have the ability to look at it from both sides.<br>
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I have gotten to a point where I'm not convinced I like facebook very much at all. Seems like people are overly sensitive about what they see or hear and instead of asking questions, like they would if they were in person, they attack. People post cute horse photos and get harassed for something someone doesn’t like. </div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">It seems like people don’t want honesty. There are no more emotional dialogs between people anymore. I am often sad when people are honest with me but typically I already know the truths. I know who I am. I know the good and the bad and the part of me that is not loved or welcome. If I am going to honestly share my feelings then I have to ready to hear honesty from others. That really is the hard part...hearing when other people are angry or hurt and then having to live with the hurt I caused. I feel that hurt profoundly and I don’t like it. </div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Then there is the feeling that you had friends that you trust. But then you find out they don’t hold your interests at heart. </div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">And then there is thinking that you are over it and don’t hurt anymore but find that you do. Sometimes I feel like I’m the last person on earth to understand other people. </div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Today I feel sad. I thought I was on the back side of it but grief sometimes smacks you upside the back of your head. I’m sure the rain and my inability to focus on other things doesn’t help. There are so many people out there with so much worse going on than the trivial sadness of my day. It’s kind of s crying day. </div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4233587092774895674.post-12506256312226598252018-09-05T10:54:00.001-05:002018-09-05T10:54:26.495-05:00Waxing poetic<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
When I was a teenager I used to write a little poetry and a little prose. I used to write stories with my friends. I felt like I was really good with words and I loved to express myself in words. I still do, but often they stay trapped inside my head instead of getting out on paper where I want them to be. Sometimes I feel like if I don't take the time to journal I will never get that jumble of thoughts out to make sense of my life. <br />
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I find myself wondering how my life got so complicated. I live in this tiny town and I am loving ever moment of it. I find myself wanting to go back to my hermiting ways of when I first moved here. I am a people person by nature, but I find that my people loving ways are what get me into the most trouble. I find myself wanting to be included, wanting to help out, but I lack many of the social skills I need to do so properly. I don't read people the way I want to be able to read them. More exactly, I read them exactly how they intend to be read and the vibes I get make me so uncomfortable that I blunder. I am a bull in the china shop of emotions. I have so many things happening inside me at any given time that I Have trouble just sitting and pulling back without my mind being entertained to the possibilities. <br />
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And, as much as I like people, I also like my downtime when I can meander through my day slowly and with no one pressuring me. <br />
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I think maybe the changes of the last three years are just catching up with me. I think perhaps I was so busy running toward what I wanted that I didn't really take the time to process what I was leaving behind. I was aware this was happening, but really felt helpless to stop it. I did what I needed to do and I'm not sorry for my choices. If I hadn't done things exactly as I did I would not be here in this space surrounded by the love of my husband and my new community. <br />
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But I still am wistful for the people I once I had. I will miss them...and on one hand I think about "fixing it" On the other hand I don't think I have that ability, or honestly that desire. I did not leave them behind, they left me behind. I thought they were my people, but evidently they belonged to someone else.When I think about this too much I want to cry, so I do my best not to think about it. Even worse is to know that some of those are actually happy that I am now outside the circle. I think the person telling me the story called it "gleeful". I don't know which hurt worse, hearing that people were unhappy at my sadness or having someone I thought was close tell me about it, because if she had been on my side she would have stuck up for me or at least not desired to hurt me further. <br />
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Yesterday was trying....last year we befriended a girl from church. (this is a long, long story that I won't go back into) and her mom turned out not to be a stellar person. Along with the girl's best friend's mom, we took care of her and took her riding and just generally took her under our wing. I began to be suspicious that there was a lot of bad stuff happening in the home. This caused the relationship to be banished by mom until she needed us again. Then this summer she went really nuts and banished the best friend's mom too. Now she is ranting and raving about how we have brought a killer to her doorstep because of my investigations (Honestly, all I did was google her--it wasn't a big deal) She believes that the "killers from her past" can find her because I googled her. This lady is nuts. She pulled her kid out of school and isolated her because the principle was asking her to be responsible and pick her up off the bus or send someone else. Now she says she's going to run. She recently went to jail for forgery and she's trying to say it's because of an animal welfare case because she is a "well known" advocate for animals. She says she's going to prosecute me for false CPS reporting. (good luck with that). I worry about the kid so much. I wish there was something I could do to help her. I wish that CPS would see that she isn't a fit mother.<br />
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After my funk of the summer I am finally getting back to a happier place. I no longer hate my job. I find peace in the routine of it and comfort in the regular paycheck. I still feel over tired and and over programmed even though that is an illusion since I don't do much outside of work currently. I would like about a week of days to just rest and relax. I know that the pressure I put on myself is just me. Mike treats me like a queen. It is me that can't seem to be still. I haven't been sleeping either and that's driving me nuts. I really need and like my sleep. But I know I'm on the mend emotionally because I'm thinking about the crafting I want to do and how I want to start sewing again once I get our new office space set up. I think the inertia and the heat of the summer really got to me.<br />
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At the end of this week Maggie starts a new adventure. She is going to Colorado to work for a friend of ours in her vet clinic. She will start in the office and then eventually get to learn vet tech type stuff. They aren't sure what the end game will be. They are waiting to see what her skill set is. I'm really excited for her but I will miss her.</div>
Alice Perrymanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960424354346374058noreply@blogger.com0