The Last Year

Today I have been contemplating all the changes to my life in the last year. I have been thinking about who I was when I was going, who I was a year ago, who I am now and who I will still become. I have been thinking about all the support I have had to arrive in this location. However I have also been thinking about the friends I have lost and the people who have been hurt by me. I'm grateful for the first and saddened by the latter. I do wish I could be the person I have become without the losses. I also know this is not possible.

Well there went a well thought out paragraph that vanished Because I didn't save properly. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be shared.

A year ago I was preparing to move out and start anew life. I don't think I did it the right way. In fact on the other side I'm sure I did not do things at all well but in the thick I needed to make a move And make changes. After struggling for years it was time to move on. The continued fallout surprises me because I truly thought the feelings we're mutual and it was necessary for one of us to move forward. I still don't think there was ultimately another answer.  I foolishly believed that we could move forward with no backlash but I now see that isn't the case. I miscalculated. I hurt more people in my miscalculation. I am paying attention now.

I originally wrote this on Sept 14. I just thought I had more to say and hadn't published it. Today I realized it was complete and ready to go.

This year has taught me a lot and I am not for a second sorry I took my steps forward. I thank the Lord that things happened in my life the way they did or I would not be where I am now. I love the rascal flats song 'bless the broken road'  I feel like it is exactly how I got here and I praise the Lord for the bad times that led me to this time in my life.

the right Path

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalms 16:11 NASB http://bible.com/100/psa.16.11.NASB

This is today's verse of the day and a good follow up to yesterday. Yesterday I was reminded not to take vengeance or hold a grudge. Today I reminded that God will show me my path.

I have spent so many years allowing myself too be tried in the court of public perception. I never wanted to know that someone thought badly of me. I wanted to make everyone my friend.  I practice being friendly to people I don't even especially like because I feel that it is good and kind. I also feel like each person has qualities that are worth loving even if I don't like them. There isn't a person on earth I wouldn't assist if they needed me regardless of my greetings for them, or if I even know them.

I spent so many years saying yes to other's demands that I often lost track of myself and I over worked myself. I wanted people to think I was a super woman, but truth is I often did a poor job of everything I took on.  I have been learning over the last decade to be more true to myself. I'm following a path I feel God has outlined for me over an ego driven path that seeks human approval.

But what do you do when key humans object to your path?  I don't feel it is necessary to convince anyone I on the right path but it is often hard to be separated from people with whom you would like to have a relationship. Or even worse, with people who have been an important past of your life and have now gone a different way. When you love someone you share their hurt and their joy.  I appreciate that people live us enough to be concerned about the speed of our relationship but I also wish they could share our joy. I know there has to be a balance of concern and acceptance. I'm just not sure where the line is. We know we are on the right path and we know we are walking in God's path but approval of humans makes things so much easier.

I am so lucky to have Michael in my life. I feel that he is a gift straight from heaven. I know we have moved fast. The funny past is that I have never been a fast mover. I have always been the holdout in a relationship, holding back part of myself or peeking around the corner to make sure I've made the right choice and that no one better is out there. After meeting and loving Michael I don't think I can imagine anyone else in my life again. We fit each other so well. We like each other other's company so much. I never believed in soul mates before but now I do.

A friend told me a quote today: your opinion of me is none of my business. I like it and I need to remember that goes both way and keep my own opinions to myself more often, Because this opinion thing is a two way street.

Playing games

I have two swirling thoughts today that may or may not go together. The first is this Bible Verse from Leviticus 19:18

You shall not take vengeance or bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

I have some people I'd like to take vengeance on hehe. I know I'm not supposed to and I'm struggling with this today. Yesterday at church Jess said that the enemy will put in front of us the thing that we struggle with, so here it is...

But, while not bearing a grudge or passing judgement does that mean we are supposed to just roll over and "take it". I don't mean all out warfare, but isn't just sitting the person you have the problem with down to talk better than knowing the problems are being hashed out in the shadows?  I feel like it is.  I don't mean fighting, though sometimes clearing the air does lead to a fight. Sometimes clearing the air means understanding that you aren't going to work it out. It may mean situations can be salvaged or it may mean you accept that there is no fixing it.

I know some people find confrontation and directness to be uncomfortable. I hate being confronted when I've done something wrong and feel like I'm in trouble, but at the same time I find it cathartic to have a resolutions and closure even when it's not the closure I originally had hoped for. I'm learning that not everyone feels that way. Many people just find it easier to turn away, stop talking and tip toe into the shadows.  I'm learning that if someone has that comfort level, that is often what we "nip it in the bud" types have to accept as well.. No matter our good intentions we can fix every situation. We can't make everyone like us or accept us. We can't always have a positive outcome.  While this makes me sad, I am learning to accept these facts without holding a grudge, but I do always hold sadness for those people I have lost.

Soon I will be starting a whole new adventure. I find it hard now to continue walking in my old path with the new path so close at hand.  My wedding is November 26 at Bluff Dale...it's going to fun and casual. I hope people bring their horses and ride and hang out.  It's BYOB and bring appetizers and desserts and just eat drink, dance, spend a few minutes getting us married and then continue to play.  I can hardly wait.

Leaving my house at Teresa's is going to be really hard because I love it so much.  However I'm sure that someone else will love it and take care of it after me.

Dreams

I guess I'm processing a lot at night.  My dreams are crazy and strange. I dreamed that I tried to do my own nails with dipping powder at home. Crazy...

I dreamed about people with whom I have been friends that are now distant. In the dream our friendships are restored, which is unfortunately not the case. My subconscious supplied some of the answers to my conscious questions for why things are how they are. It has helped provide closure and clarity on a chapter of my life. My dreams have shown me what I did wrong and what I can't take responsibility for. I'm struck by how a dream sees that the conscious mind misses.

Today in church the minister talked about how we are often faced with the items that tempt us. As I have been attending church again I have been making better choices and I have noticed many old habits and acquaintances falling Away and my friends are better. I'm learning to stay focused on what is good and let go of what isn't. I'm learning not to take responsibility for things that I don't have control over.

We don't resist sin often enough. The pastor is right...he says we invite sin. I never thought about it but that's true. When I was younger and more idealistic I can say I resisted but I can't say I do this anymore. As adults We tend to take the easiest path. I had not thought about this in a long time but it is true.

Our focus on Christ is most important. If we stay focused on God we will stay positive.  If we step away God will forgive us if we ask.