Medifast Weigh in/music therapy rant

I will weigh in today at 230pm. I know that I will have a gain, but I have accepted it. I'm almost back down to where I was pre-holidays according to my wii fit. I can't catch that up by today...so I decided I would just have a fresh mind set and recommit as of today. I will probably be up 3-4 pounds.

I had a good start today. I made some medifast eggs and I put some of my veggie allotment for the day in it and that filled me up nicely. I'm currently drinking a chai latte. I have to do a group in 45 minutes and then I will weigh in. This week, I'm planning to get one thing that is "food" but the rest is going to be shakes and hot drinks. I seem to be better at this when I don't eat. The act of eating seems to be more of a trigger. Plus, the shakes have fewer calories, so I hope to jump start things again.

It was so great not to go to the nursing home the last couple days. Maggie stayed in her room yesterday and I made no real attempt to accomplish anything. I watched a little TV...found a new show on History channel called "life after people" which I found really interesting. I went to the store, I fed the horses, I did counted cross stitch. I stayed up way too late (which resulted in sleeping extra late this am) Peter watched TV with us which was nice. He sorted photos on his laptop and hug out with me and Maggie.

I found out that Lifetime Wellness, my employer, never discussed the music therapy program ending with the facility, Emerald Hills. I guess my boss thought she would have 30 days to sugar coat things for them, promising them bigger and better things, or begging off due to lack of funds. My understanding is that there are no more music therapists left, save one, besides me and so they decided to discontinue the entire program. It's a shame because the residents will suffer and they really benefited from the services...but...oh well. I find it somewhat amusing that I left the way I did and put her in a bind. The reason that they don't have music therapists is that they don't want to pay them.

Today hasn't been much better in the productivity department. I did the dishes and sorted some laundry, but I didn't even wake up till 9:30. I woke up...made breakfast and watched my TNT rerun of ER. They are to the episodes I never watched so I'm enjoying them immensely. Today's episode starred Ray Liotta as a dying man and was very interesting.

I'm finding that I am probably sewing and watching TV far too much though...

Last night (or rather this am) I had the weirdest dream. First I dreamed that I had been kidnapped and I was trying to call Stotlemeyer and Monk to come save me. Then I dreamed I was having a baby, breech and one of the doctors from ER was trying to pull the baby out feet first. I kept telling them I needed a C section, but no one would listen...more and more people just kept coming to watch and observe. That was the dream I was having when I was waking up this am and I just couldn't get away from it. At one point in the dream they agreed I needed the Csection, but they were going to make me walk to the OR. Crazy!

Weird dream, unsettling day

I had a strange dream just before I awoke this morning. I dreamed that many of the people with whom I trail ride were all out on the lake. Many were dressed in riding clothes. Some were in boats, some were on rafts. I was swimming in the lake visiting all my friends. I came up to one raft and rested on it, accidentally knocking one of my friends into the lake. She was really mad. She was fully clothed in riding clothes. Then, later in the dream she was in a boat with a couple of other friends. I swam up to the boat and just touched the boat and she fell in the water again. The first time I actually pulled on the raft, but in the second instance I just touched the boat. Everyone around us, and my friend got really angry with me for getting her wet. I kept trying to apologize and no one would listen. I was incredulous that all these people were in boats in the lake fully clothed and I was in trouble for getting someone wet. I kept trying to tell everyone it was accident, it wasn't my fault and all I had done was touch the boat. I then woke up...

I've been thinking about this dream all day and trying to figure out what it means. The person who was angry at me is an on and off again "friend" I find myself second guessing all my dealings with this lady and never knowing for sure where I stand. I also feel like she has become better friends with people I knew longer and sometimes that makes me insecure.

I also was thinking about other people who serve the same function in my life. I have met several people in the last few years who seem to think that they can cancel on me at any time. They will make plans and not bother to call and cancel or cancel at the last minute. Or worse, I will change my plans to suit these people only to have them dump me b/c family plans came up or something came up at the last minute. I find this behavior so completely inconsiderate and infuriating. Only, folks who do it, don't recognize that they have the problem, and they get mad when you call them on it.

I have been amazed lately how people just aren't nice. I know that I'm not one of the world's nicest people, but I'm considerate of folks. I try to think of how my words and actions will affect others and I really try not to offend people on purpose. That's doesn't mean I don't offend, but I try to be nice. My biggest fault is caring way too much what other people think of my words and actions and then worrying about where I stand. I need to learn to be more independent. I embrace spending time alone, but I also miss having close bosom friends who "get" me. I have made the mistake of giving too much of myself to people who end up using me by taking from me and then never giving back. And worse, the same people call me needy or crazy b/c I expect some reciprocation.

I also think that perhaps the dream signifies me looking for a set of real friends to be close to. I swam between rafts and boats and not one of the people invited me on board. When I hung on to their craft, just to visit, and then I accidentally knocked someone in the water, everyone jumped on me. I wasn't part of any group. Perhaps this is good, but sometimes, it just feels lonely. Mostly, I think I would be better off if i just didn't care so much.