My apologies

"So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:23-24‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

https://www.bible.com/72/mat.5.23-24.hcsb

I made a huge mistake last summer when I spoke badly if someone who I had called friend. I was hurt and I was angry and I should not have aired my dirty laundry in public. I did it because I felt angry and hurt and couldn’t get them to engage with me to resolve the problem but I was 100% wrong. I have made overtures to fix it but I’m not sure it can or will be fixed. I do repent my behavior and vow to not behave this way in the future. Christ calls me to not go behind the backs of others and I need to always remember that. 

Word for 2018

I heard an interview with Author Karina Nelson about her book, Artful Eating. She is a psychologist specializes in the psychology of eating and why people eat.   She helps  people repair their relationship with food. She has a website and a podcast. The podcast was done once a month for 2018. I heard her interviewed by Dave Jackson on the Logical Weight Loss Podcast. Like Dave, I have successfully lost my body weight many times over. She says that he (and me too for that matter) is playing the wrong tape in our heads and we need to change our way of thinking. 

I ordered her book before I was done listening to the podcast. 

 I know that my relationship with food sucks. 

I decided to listen to her podcast while I wait for the book to arrive. In the first podcast she suggests that people choose a word for the year. I started listening to this last evening when I was having trouble sleeping and unfortunately thinking about the word that I wanted for the year did not help me sleep. I woke up this morning still trying to figure out what I word I  should choose for the year and while I have thought of a few none are really striking the right chord. 

She has a word for the month which is Adagio. She said that people tend to start the new year with a flurry of activity and we should take the time to move a little mor3 slowly and be at ease. It has occurred to me that perhaps Adagio should be my word of the year as well since it’s Latin meaning is ‘at ease’. Adagio is also the name of my business so it occurs to me that Adagio could encompass many things for me. 

The first word I tossed around was Acceptance. It’s time for me to accept and embrace the person I have become and am becoming. It’s time to accept that this body is the one I have and while I may not be thin I am healthy and active and happy. It’s time to stop beating myself up for food and lifestyle choices and be happy with a slower, more content life. I was afraid that if I had acceptance as my word I would not get off my butt and continue to grow. 

While I am trying to reinvent myself I need to accept the fact that I also need to be at ease or Adagio with what I have already achieved and who I am. I have no experience with a being at ease. I am not comfortable with myself all the time and that is something I need to change. Instead of thinking about how disgusted I am with myself that I have gained weight back I need to think about how comfortable I am with myself. How adagio I am in my relationship with Michael, my daughter, my body and my surroundings. Instead of thinking about what I have not achieved or what I want to achieve think about how grateful I am about what I have. While I am trying to reinvent myself I need to sitter the fact that I also need to be at ease or Adagio with what I have already achieved and who I am. Michael has long told me that he wants to see me more relaxed. I think I have been afraid that if I relax I will become lazy and  lose my drive. I am starting to see that being at ease or Adagio will only help me achieve more because it will help me focus.

So my word for 2019 is Adagio or  at ease. 

Adagio will be difficult to achieve today. I have been on steroids for a week for my lung infection and asthma and today is my first day off. I slept very poorly last night, not falling asleep until after midnight. I had to be up before six to go to the chiropractor at 7 AM. I find myself jittery and unfocused. I am not seeing in the normal way. I wish to have a calm and relaxed feeling inside my soul. Fortunately today is not a long or difficult day. I have five clients to see three massages and to music. I will be home by around 7 PM and can have the evening to relax. Tomorrow promises to be a beautiful morning and I will get up and play with Vandemere before I have to start my day.

Getting Older isn't for Sissies

I hear this all the time and never have I really felt it more than this year. I have been getting ahead a bit...working more and seeing more clients, making more money, but then in November that just sort of came crashing down with our two weeks illness. In my adult life I have never missed 2 weeks of work in a row from work for any reason and this wasn't even for fun.  Then I worked 3 weeks, got through the holiday week where I saw just a few clients and got sick again. This second time was almost work, shorter lived but with the wheezing and asthma I used to get in my childhood. I had to get prednisone from the  doctor which came with it's own hazards and feeling bad. I have now been sick for so long I can honestly say I'm sick of crocheting and watching TV.  There is so much work that needs to be done and watching McLeod's daughters (almost done, in the 7th of 8 seasons now) makes me see how much work we need to be accomplishing at our own place...only now Mike is sick too. 

Today is a pretty but cold day outside. I'm in my office, working on paperwork. I have a gas heater and 3 of the dogs are in here next to it to stay warm. It's not that cold, but for someone who has been wheezing all night, and who's sleep has only just gotten back to normal, it's good to inside. I had really hoped to do something with one of the horses today, but I think I'm just going to have to leave it for now. I'll have to go out and feed eventually, but I'm stalling because I want to do my paperwork...well, I'm stalling doing everything but writing in my blog.

Maggie will be moving back to Weatherford at the end of the week.  She is taking back her old job at the barn where she will make more money and be with her friends and go back to school at Weatherford college. Coming here and trying on some other classes has made her see exactly what she doesn't want to do. Whether it ends up being the mortuary sciences like she was thinking, or some sort of farm management/business, she is happy to be going back. She gave it a good go here, but Gatesville just hasn't been for her at all.  She will stay with her dad a few weeks and then she will get her trailer registered and we will move it up to her friend's farm where she can live for relatively low rent and have a horse.  This will make us all happy so we have less mouths to feed. 

Soon Ember and Ivan should be going next door to my friend, Jenna's, house. She is literally our next door neighbor even though it's 2 miles away.  Ember seems to be the slower and more calm of the two. Ivan is very showy and will be a good horse for them down the road. They will likely send them to training before they do any real competitions with them, though Jenna is quite the horse woman and Rena, only 13, has great instincts. Rena already rides Ember around here all over the place and they have a good time, no saddle. I'd really like to see our herd get reduced. A couple of old ones are kind of just hanging on. It would be good to have fewer horses.

I lay awake a long time worrying last night.  I hate that we have a surplus or we have a shortage. I do know that it always works out, but sometimes I wish I had a job with a regular paycheck and sick days.  Once I start to worry about one thing then I worry about everything. It all snowballs on me. And it seems to do it worse whenever I am unable to fix it...being sick I cant get on it.

It seems like this is the longest I have been down and inactive in my memory. Even when I fractured my arm last summer I was back at it pretty quick.  When I broke my shoulder I was a young stay at home mom and I was pretty good after the first couple weeks.  Not being able to breath has just been miserable.

I know that my dad wanted me to come up this last Christmas, but it was good I didn't. I really like having Christmas at home with our grandchildren. And I just didn't have the cash. I mean, I could have done, but it would have been money that needed to go elsewhere. I know he didn't really understand but sometimes it's just the way it is.  I know that Texas not close, but they travel other places and with the farm we really try not to anymore than we have to. This year I'm cutting back on a lot of things. We are going to rides, but we will be volunteering more and competing much less, if at all.  I do admit, having been sick at home, I'm kind of ready to get out there. Wherever there is.