I am a lot of things, but mean isn't one of them. I know that not everyone is going to be my friend, but I usually try to be friendly and if I have not been friendly or if I Have hurt someone's feelings, I typically try to fix it. And, usually after someone tells me I have done wrong by them I go introspective and apologize even when it's not my fault. I have had a pattern of doing this for years and years. As a child I learned it was easier to apologize and take the blame because I always got in more trouble for "not admitting I was wrong" than I ever did for whatever I had supposedly done wrong. Most of the time it wasn't even me that did the wrong thing, but unless I wanted to be grounded for weeks, it was just easier to go along.
I have tried to fix broken relationships even when I'm not the one who broke them. I was unhappily married for about 7-8 years out of 15 and even though my friends told me to leave I stuck with it for a long time. (ok yes we could have a long discussion here about how an unhappy marriage takes two to create and fix, but that is not the topic of this post...as Alton Brown would say, that's another show) I have found out after the fact that people were angry with me or never did really like me, or friends I thought were dear were bashing me behind my back and then I would go and try to fix it. I know part of it was b/c the people doing the bashing are not honest people and they don't admit to their behavior. I have even go so far as to cover up the bad behavior of others just to keep the peace because I wanted to stay inside the circle of approval.
But not this time. I am so done with being the one blamed for stuff. I mean, I can't stop the people from blaming, but I am done taking the blame when it's not mine to shoulder. I am finished apologizing for standing up for myself even if it goes south.
I have long admired people who were able to get what they wanted and not have words said about themselves behind their backs. Sadly I am never going to be one of those people. I have tried to figure out what it is about me that makes people feel free to say rude things to my face, on facebook, in public or in private. I have decided it's time to quit wondering and just stop worrying about those people. I'm an adult and I need to act like an adult and not cave into my "I feel like a child when certain people talk to me" mentality. I am a person of value with feelings that deserve to be honored. I have finally realized that the past needs to go there and the future needs to be different.
I have also come to realize that God's grace is the only grace I need and that people can't be counted on for grace. People are ready to blame whenever things go wrong. They like a good fight. There is always someone ready to take another person down. I am easily taken down because I tend not to hide in the shadows...or I haven't been. I notice in myself that I'm less public in the last two years and that has made me much happier. I read more books than facebook. I talk to more people than electronics. If I didn't have so many social media things I follow for work I would probably disengage from facebook entirely. I'm tired of the meanness out there. I'm tired of wasting my time reading stuff that doesn't matter. But I also realize that it's the only way to stay in touch with people in many cases.
I have seen a big change in myself in the last year. I used to really get upset and worry about people when I knew they were upset with me. I used to want to fix it. Now I cry and I mourn and then I move on. Sometimes I cry for a long time, but I'm learning that the mean behavior isn't what I want to be a part of anymore. I have made new friends and kept some old friends. I have kept the old friends, who like me, really want to stay out of the fray. I have kept the old friends with whom I share the same values. I have made new friends who share similar values.
This post isn't born out of any one incident. It's more a collection of incidents that have built up and finally encouraged me to move forward. I am a unique person. I am fun loving and I love to be around other people who love horses too. I can not be responsible for shielding others from their own bad behavior and making excuses. If you cut me, I will not roll over and pretend that it didn't happen. I will not try to cut you back, but I'm not going to lie about how you harmed me first. I can be honest and move forward and hope that you can take responsibility for your own actions.
I find myself wondering why I have stuck with these folks for so long. I think that pre-Michael they were my source of community and friendship and I felt like I needed them. Now, not so much. I realized recently that while I was busy defending people and sticking up for them that no one ever stuck up for me.
And I still wonder how some people get to be that person who is never looked on negatively no matter what they do. It must be a nice place to be.
I have tried to fix broken relationships even when I'm not the one who broke them. I was unhappily married for about 7-8 years out of 15 and even though my friends told me to leave I stuck with it for a long time. (ok yes we could have a long discussion here about how an unhappy marriage takes two to create and fix, but that is not the topic of this post...as Alton Brown would say, that's another show) I have found out after the fact that people were angry with me or never did really like me, or friends I thought were dear were bashing me behind my back and then I would go and try to fix it. I know part of it was b/c the people doing the bashing are not honest people and they don't admit to their behavior. I have even go so far as to cover up the bad behavior of others just to keep the peace because I wanted to stay inside the circle of approval.
But not this time. I am so done with being the one blamed for stuff. I mean, I can't stop the people from blaming, but I am done taking the blame when it's not mine to shoulder. I am finished apologizing for standing up for myself even if it goes south.
I have long admired people who were able to get what they wanted and not have words said about themselves behind their backs. Sadly I am never going to be one of those people. I have tried to figure out what it is about me that makes people feel free to say rude things to my face, on facebook, in public or in private. I have decided it's time to quit wondering and just stop worrying about those people. I'm an adult and I need to act like an adult and not cave into my "I feel like a child when certain people talk to me" mentality. I am a person of value with feelings that deserve to be honored. I have finally realized that the past needs to go there and the future needs to be different.
I have also come to realize that God's grace is the only grace I need and that people can't be counted on for grace. People are ready to blame whenever things go wrong. They like a good fight. There is always someone ready to take another person down. I am easily taken down because I tend not to hide in the shadows...or I haven't been. I notice in myself that I'm less public in the last two years and that has made me much happier. I read more books than facebook. I talk to more people than electronics. If I didn't have so many social media things I follow for work I would probably disengage from facebook entirely. I'm tired of the meanness out there. I'm tired of wasting my time reading stuff that doesn't matter. But I also realize that it's the only way to stay in touch with people in many cases.
I have seen a big change in myself in the last year. I used to really get upset and worry about people when I knew they were upset with me. I used to want to fix it. Now I cry and I mourn and then I move on. Sometimes I cry for a long time, but I'm learning that the mean behavior isn't what I want to be a part of anymore. I have made new friends and kept some old friends. I have kept the old friends, who like me, really want to stay out of the fray. I have kept the old friends with whom I share the same values. I have made new friends who share similar values.
This post isn't born out of any one incident. It's more a collection of incidents that have built up and finally encouraged me to move forward. I am a unique person. I am fun loving and I love to be around other people who love horses too. I can not be responsible for shielding others from their own bad behavior and making excuses. If you cut me, I will not roll over and pretend that it didn't happen. I will not try to cut you back, but I'm not going to lie about how you harmed me first. I can be honest and move forward and hope that you can take responsibility for your own actions.
I find myself wondering why I have stuck with these folks for so long. I think that pre-Michael they were my source of community and friendship and I felt like I needed them. Now, not so much. I realized recently that while I was busy defending people and sticking up for them that no one ever stuck up for me.
And I still wonder how some people get to be that person who is never looked on negatively no matter what they do. It must be a nice place to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment