Lessons I’ve learned

I do most of my best thinking when I’m driving. These are some of the things I’m thinking about.

1. Just because I am nice to you does not mean that you were going to like me or be nice to me back. This has been a long hard lesson. Most of my life I have thought if I was kind and courteous that would automatically make somebody else kind and courteous. Not true 
2. Because everyone speaks a different love language the way I express kindness and love to you may not be perceived as love by you. Sometimes when I am doing my best to be kind and helpful other people just perceive it as annoying.
3. If you find that I am annoying but yet you don’t talk to me about it I can’t fix it. It may be that I choose not to fix it but I have no opportunity to grow or continue our relationship if you don’t communicate with me honestly. That said I know sometimes there are people that we just don’t like and that we prefer not to have to communicate with them at all. As painful as it is initially I still personally prefer just to know how things stand.
4. Even though it is painful I prefer for people to be honest. Then I know how things are and I can quit embarrassing myself by putting my head up against a wall or attempting to have a relationship with that has no interest in having a relationship with me.
5. Sometimes the people that you thought would be your best friends forever let you down. That is when it’s time to move forward make new friends and not look back.
   

Three types of people: Leaves, Branches and Roots

A friend sent this to me today. It sums up beautifully what I have been thinking about the last few weeks.

Are you a Leaf, a Branch, or a Root?

I hope I am a root for people. I know that I have a few roots in my life, but recently have discovered more leaves and branches than I knew I had previously in my world. But I also have some new roots growing and extending as I enter a new phase of my life.

I'm not sure why I thought that I could change and my people (branches and leaves) would change with me.  I think it's because I'm loyal and I expected the same loyalty. I call it my Reverse Golden Rule: If I'm nice to you then you'll be nice to me. And that's no how it works. I certainly found out that when I truly got in touch with my real feelings and spoke my mind that the leaves and branches went crashing down.

My study of the Enneagram continues with curiosity. I have been listening/reading a book called The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile.  It is a book about relationships between the types.  When I read The Road Back to You by Suzanne Stabile and Ian Morgan Crohn, I thought I was a 2 (the helper, befriender) by his test. However, last night I took a different test that said my top three types were  The Achiever, The Enthusiast, and The Individualist which is 3, 7 and 4 respectively.  Especially in the 3 and the 7 I can see it, so I find myself wondering if I'm a 3 with a 2 wing or a 3 with a 4 wing. I find myself wondering if I'm so Individual that I can morph into whatever type of person I need to be.  I am starting to realize that either I have changed from the Helper, or I'm just tired of having branches fall off, so I'm choosing to put myself out there less. I do believe this is the answer. And this is a good thing.  Used to be when I was on the road I was constantly wanting to talk to people on the phone. Now I find that I listen to my books, or tv shows or podcasts and enjoy that time alone in the car.  When I come home I'm relishing in my time alone...much to the chagrin of Michael who really doesn't enjoy his time alone near as much as I do.

I feel like I'm in a time of discovery and I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Just wow...life goes on

I am a lot of things, but mean isn't one of them.  I know that not everyone is going to be my friend, but I usually try to be friendly and if I have not been friendly or if I Have hurt someone's feelings, I typically try to fix it.  And, usually after someone tells me I have done wrong by them I go introspective and apologize even when it's not my fault. I have had a pattern of doing this for years and years. As a child I learned it was easier to apologize and take the blame because I always got in more trouble for "not admitting I was wrong" than I ever did for whatever I had supposedly done wrong.  Most of the time it wasn't even me that did the wrong thing, but unless I wanted to be grounded for weeks, it was just easier to go along.

I have tried to fix broken relationships even when I'm not the one who broke them.  I was unhappily married for about 7-8 years out of 15 and even though my friends told me to leave I stuck with it for a long time. (ok yes we could have a long discussion here about how an unhappy marriage takes two to create and fix, but that is not the topic of this post...as Alton Brown would say, that's another show) I have found out after the fact that people were angry with me or never did really like me, or friends I thought were dear were bashing me behind my back and then I would go and try to fix it.  I know part of it was b/c the people doing the bashing are not honest people and they don't admit to their behavior.  I have even go so far as to cover up the bad behavior of others just to keep the peace because I wanted to stay inside the circle of approval.

But not this time.  I am so done with being the one blamed for stuff.  I mean, I can't stop the people from blaming, but I am done taking the blame when it's not mine to shoulder.  I am finished apologizing for standing up for myself even if it goes south.

I have long admired people who were able to get what they wanted and not have words said about themselves behind their backs. Sadly I am never going to be one of those people.  I have tried to figure out what it is about me that makes people feel free to say rude things to my face, on facebook, in public or in private. I have decided it's time to quit wondering and just stop worrying about those people.  I'm an adult and I need to act like an adult and not cave into my "I feel like a child when certain people talk to me" mentality.  I am a person of value with feelings that deserve to be honored. I have finally realized that the past needs to go there and the future needs to be different.

I have also come to realize that God's grace is the only grace I need and that people can't be counted on for grace. People are ready to blame whenever things go wrong. They like a good fight. There is always someone ready to take another person down.  I am easily taken down because I tend not to hide in the shadows...or I haven't been. I notice in myself that I'm less public in the last two years and that has made me much happier. I read more books than facebook. I talk to more people than electronics.  If I didn't have so many social media things I follow for work I would probably disengage from facebook entirely. I'm tired of the meanness out there. I'm tired of wasting my time reading stuff that doesn't matter.  But I also realize that it's the only way to stay in touch with people in many cases.

I have seen a big change in myself in the last year.  I used to really get upset and worry about people when I knew they were upset with me. I used to want to fix it. Now I cry and I mourn and then I move on. Sometimes I cry for a long time, but I'm learning that the mean behavior isn't what I want to be a part of anymore. I have made new friends and kept some old friends.  I have kept the old friends, who like me, really want to stay out of the fray.  I have kept the old friends with whom I share the same values.  I have made new friends who share similar values.

This post isn't born out of any one incident. It's more a collection of incidents that have built up and finally encouraged me to move forward.  I am a unique person. I am fun loving and I love to be around other people who love horses too.  I can not be responsible for shielding others from their own bad behavior and making excuses.  If you cut me, I will not roll over and pretend that it didn't happen. I will not try to cut you back, but I'm not going to lie about how you harmed me first. I can be honest and move forward and hope that you can take responsibility for your own actions.

I find myself wondering why I have stuck with these folks for so long.  I think that pre-Michael they were my source of community and friendship and I felt like I needed them.  Now, not so much.  I realized recently that while I was busy defending people and sticking up for them that no one ever stuck up for me.

And I still wonder how some people get to be that person who is never looked on negatively no matter what they do. It must be a nice place to be.

Four w’s. Sermon notes

Wowed...when we are rescued we are part of the kingdom of the Lord. We realize that we are separated from God by our sin and we are now rescued by Christ. We would have been separated from God for an eternity if we had not accepted Christ 

Worship.  We gather together to worship together. 

Witness. Have passion about our witness.  When was the last time we shared our faith with a nonbeliever?

War...we are building the kingdom. 

"And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-Jonah: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father who is in heaven. And I also say unto thee, that thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it."

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭16:17-18‬ ‭ASV‬‬

"And Paul and Barnabas spake out boldly, and said, It was necessary that the word of God should first be spoken to you. Seeing ye thrust it from you, and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, lo, we turn to the Gentiles."

‭‭Acts‬ ‭13:46‬ ‭ASV‬‬

Many of us may not be part of the four w's because we have been hurt by someone in that church. They are living with hurt. 

Many of us are living with hurt or divorce or a rebellious child. Maybe we are living with addiction. 

Sometimes we have decided we feel or are unworthy because of the behavior of others. 

"He cried aloud, and said thus, Hew down the tree, and cut off its branches, shake off its leaves, and scatter its fruit: let the beasts get away from under it, and the fowls from its branches. Nevertheless leave the stump of its roots in the earth, even with a band of iron and brass, in the tender grass of the field; and let it be wet with the dew of heaven: and let his portion be with the beasts in the grass of the earth: let his heart be changed from man's, and let a beast's heart be given unto him; and let seven times pass over him."

‭‭Daniel‬ ‭4:14-16‬ ‭ASV‬‬

God is not just the God of what you've lost. He is the God of what we have left. 

This is a huge lesson for me today. I have spent the last week and partof the last couple years missing what I have lost and trying to hold on to things I have lost. It is time to rejoice what I have and where I am going.  It's time to leave behind the people and things that hurt. It doesn't mean I need to forget how I have been treated. I probably need to make an apology for my behavior when I was hurt. I am still hurt. And I can't completely repent of my behavior which is why I haven't apologized. In the discussion of hurt feelings there was no repentance on the part of the others. And I was told that there was 'glee ' from others over my hurt. That amazes me. I'm sure it's true. I know who I told. And I have a pretty good idea who might be gleeful.  Again these people are not my people. I am embarrassed at how long I hung around people who didn't want me around. I also hate that I have to be around these people in the coming weeks. There is no avoiding it. 

Our history is. It our destiny with almight God. Quit going back and being a historian specially in our marriages. 

Not sure how to not be a historian and let bad feelings go without remembering not to let too much of my heart go at the same time. Sometimes being a historian saves pain.   It is hard to let it go because I want those relationships restore. But I found in all this that it's time to go forward. Not everyone is hateful but I need to pick and choose my friends more carefully.  I wish I could find a way not to care. 

Job still had his voice. Even after he took everything else away. He used everything else. Focus on what was left. 

Noah was told to focus on what was left. Noah had 8 people. That was all that was left. 

God wants to use what's left. It's because of the way we are living. We are always thinking about the shame in our flaws. Give him glory for what's left. 

I'm at war with myself. I want the life I have now. But I also want my friends. Or maybe it's that I want those people to actually be my friend. I want one of those people to stand up for me (not going to happen) I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and not care that I've been ditched. I want to be missed. Just a little. It's not going to happen. 

Or at least I'd be surprised if it did. 

sense of loss

I start this week with a sense of loss for a life I used to lead.  On one hand it's a relief to be freed from the bonds of a life I had outgrown, but on the other hand it still feels very lonely knowing that season of my life is over.  I actually have a better life going, so I know I should not be sad, but I feel like I have wasted so much of my life on people who were false.  Mostly I am angry and hurt that I was rejected and honestly can't really figure out what the heck happened.  I mean, I know what happened, but I have once again been shocked by humans and their cruelty and lack of loyalty.  I am torn between raging against the people by whom I feel wronged and calling them out, and the softer, gentler side of me wants to just let it go and move forward.

I suspect that is why I blog here. I am too much of a coward to outwardly tell the people how hurt and angry I am. Part of it is because of saving face and not letting those folks know how much they hurt me. Part of it is because I hate to burn bridges.  But I guess that is what they have been doing to me all this time.  I have been in central TX almost 2 years and the people I thought I would have friendship with have simply not been there for me.  People I stood by in hard times in their lives are not my friends anymore.  They deny that it's divorce related, but I suspect, since they still hang out with my ex, that it must be on some level.  He has once again managed to take something from me that was mine...my friends.  Only, they aren't really his friends either, he is just more useful to them than I am.

When I was unhappily married I was more available to jump whenever someone said jump. I had something to prove because I wanted to make my mark, have someone notice me because I had no attention or validation at home.  Now that I am happily married to Michael I don't need the validation, but I miss the community I once had.  I loved hanging out with my "friends" at the rides and the pool and just wherever. I realize now that the person I thought was the glue of the group was really just acetone breaking us apart.  I was the glue but when the acetone worked it's way between me and those girlfriends it couldn't be rejoined and those people aren't my friends anymore.  They don't want to be my friends. They have made it quite clear through so many actions.

This past weekend was an event that I usually attend. I have gone every year but one and I let them know in plenty of time last year I couldn't make it.  This year I mistakenly thought I was invited (b/c it's a party by invitation only you know) and I RSVP'd only to be told I wasn't invited.  I was shocked b/c I thought these were my people. 

Obviously, I now I realize it was a false community.  And now I don't want to go back. I mean, I do want to go back, but after being so angry and so hurt and knowing that I was not wanted, I don't want to spend time with these people anymore. For years I have fought for my right to exist in this community and I'm just done. Maybe the CTR side of my life is over and it's just time to ride on the beach or trail ride with friends. I'm not sure, but I find that I am cut to the core over and over by these people.  And then when I saw some of the people actually included I was hurt all over again because they are people who aren't nice at all.

I'm a nice person.  I include people, I befriend people...If  I had been putting on a party and the same mistake had been made on the other side I would have said yes, of course, come on. I would never ever have told someone that they were not invited.  I was told I was going to be invited in the second round of invites and that didn't happen either.  Michael is hurt for me. He says he doesn't want to go back when he knows we were (or I was--everyone loves Mike) left out.

This feels like the time I tried to plan an epic NY eve party and no one came. Everyone had said they might come, but last minute everyone was busy, or it was too far or they just didn't want to.  It makes me realize how rare real friends are and makes me value the true ones all the more. 

I have taken this time to think about who I am and where I am going. Obviously, I am not blameless if an entire group has shunned me. But as I think on it, I also don't want to make the changes I would have to make to be included. Those changes would not be true to me.I have grown to realize that I would rather have a handful of close friends than an entire group of false friends. I am proud to be at a place where I can say these things out loud and be honest about my feelings and who I am.  I am not willing to jump through hoops to be the person they want or expect me to be. I expect to be liked for who I really am...or not. I have the thing I most need in my life which is Michael who is my husband and best friend.

It turned out to be a good weekend.  We were invited over to a friend's house to eat the best steak of my life.  We hung out at home and relaxed because it was too muddy to ride.  We were able to go to the memorial of a friend who died suddenly from cancer.  Those were all important things to do and I'm happy we did them.

Michael is trying so hard to help me quit hurting, but I'm not done mourning yet. It is as though a part of my life has died.  A part I really cared about and didn't want to lose.  A part I was so excited to get back into because I now live close to people I really loved.It will be ok eventually, but right now I'm really sad.

Update 10-9-18. I found a comment meant for this blog. I should not have posted the deatails of my hurt so publically. It was wrong of me. It also gave people the opportunity to revel in my hurt which was not what I had intended. I didn’t even intend for people to feel sorry. More I was just venting my anger and my hurt. It showed me that my side doesn’t have a lot of support. And it showed me how unpopular I truly am. This is sobering and saddening. But it also makes me realize that it’s time to move forward and forge new friendships. 

Developing a career

I have been reading the book Business Boutique, which is a guide to women growing their business. One of the chapters has been talking about taking personality inventories to help find your strengths and she has five questions she asks to help you discover what you do well. 

I don’t know why I always wanting to reinvent myself. I onmy know that while I have achieved a reasonable financial success it comes with a huge time cost. Like everyone else in the works I want to make more money and work less. Or in my case at least travel less. 

Question 1: what do I enjoy? 

Well horses of course. Anything horse related. I like to take care of them, ride them, read about them, hang out with them. I have enjoyed teaching lessons in the past but when I have done it lately I doubt my efficacy as a teacher. I think this is BC I end up being confused by a bunch of kids at once and I do better 1 on 1. I also think it’s BC my horses aren’t great school horses. Or maybe the kids have fear. However I do believe I could be really happy with a horse business of some kind. 

I also love to sing. This is good since part of what I do is sing for a living. Part of what I do is just to sing for fun. 

I like to sew and make things, especially if I’m making them for horses. 

Question 2 :  where do I excel? 

I think I’m good at singing and music. I’m good with people. I’m a good investigator and I love doing research especially about animals. I’m intuitive and I can usually know what a person is feeling, physically and mentally, before they tell me. I’m good at crafts and crocheting and knitting. 

Question 3: what do others encourage in you?  

Singing . Crafts. People keep asking me to make riding tights like I used to back in the day. I a, asked to teach riding lessons frequently. 

Question 4 what comes effortlessly?

I over think things so hard I never feel like things are effortless. Working with special needs kids and adults in easy. I don’t find it to be hard. I love to sing and ride my horses but I’m not as skilled as I’d like to be 

 Being with people, keeping them on task and organized 

Question 5:  What gives me energy ?

This would definitely be singing, organizing and horses. All the traveling wears on me. I wish I could from home all the time, but the money is too good traveling. 

So this is where I had commentary that got erased. Ugh. 

I’m pretty sure there isn’t any job I’d like better unless it was doing what I’m doing without the traveling. So it seems like my goal should be to build a business that comes to me. 

Random thoughts of a tired person

I’m sitting here thinking about how much I like to write. Only now I am dictating over the iPad so I’m not sure it actually qualifies as writing. When I was a kid and a teenager are used to write all kinds of stories. My friends and I wrote some back-and-forth stories that kind of played out like soap operas because we were each certain characters and we never knew what the other person was going to do. I carried those stories around with me for years and years and I finally decided it was time to let them go. I kept one because it was my favorite and before I let them go I reread them.  They were truly awful.
This leads me into wondering if anyone really reads my blog. Or if people read my blog did they get anything out of it. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t write it because it is therapeutic for me to write the thoughts and feelings down as they come. It’s much like my binge watching of the Waltons. Every time you saw John boy he was sitting at his window on his desk with his little brown glasses on writing something in his journal. And that journal eventually became a novel. I don’t know that I would ever write a novel. You’re always told to write what you know and if I wrote about all the people and things I’d like to write about I would probably get in a lot of trouble as people recognized themselves in the stories.
I was also thinking that John boy would’ve probably really enjoyed being able to sit back and talk to his iPad rather than have to dip his pen and ink because I’m pretty sure there weren’t any ball point pen‘s.
I am having surgery on my left hand for carpal tunnel and Westpalm for arthritis tomorrow morning. They tell me I will be in a splint for about two weeks and then I will have to undergo physical therapy but that 90% of people have a significant relief from the pain. This is super good news because my phone has been sore for over a year. I think I told the doctor it was a year but it seems like it was hurting even when I was back in Arlington. I would take breaks from playing the guitar and use the keyboard, played with my right hand, to give my thumb a break. Now that I am passionate about learning to play the banjo I really want this dumb thumb to be OK.  Plus it keeps me from being able to knit and crochet and play the piano like I want to as well. Mostly it just aches all the time. The sad part is I can already tell my right thumb is going to need some attention eventually.
This leads me to thinking about my future. I have been in Musictherapy since 1991 and became a massage therapist in 2005. Both of these things require my thumbs. My whole hand really, but especially my thong. You can’t do friction and deep thumb  pressure without a phone on massage client. It’s very hard to play the guitar the banjo without bracing the guitar on your thumb.
I have been feeling burned out at my current position. The things that I love about it are the flexibility and the ability to make my own schedule. The things I don’t like about it or having 15 to 20 different bosses and having to keep everyone happy as to their schedule. When I take off a day it usually upsets people. I have been thinking how nice it would be to have paid vacation so I could take off next week and just recover. I have also been thinking that I just want to do something different but I don’t know what it is. However, I don’t know what I could possibly do that would make anywhere as much money and give me the flexibility I want. I often wish I had become something else as a career so that I could keep my flexibility that make more money. When I listen to Dave Ramsey and I hear people talk about how they make over 150,000 per year I find myself jealous and wishing that could be me. There is some debt to pay off but my shovel is small and it’s taking way longer than I want it to.
I have also been pondering relationships in my life that I want to improve but have no power over. Yesterday I sent a message to my stepson‘s wife’s parents to try to talk to them about the differences that we are all having. Michael added to the message and we tried very hard to be cordial and kind but yet asked for answers. It is now been 36 hours and we have heard nothing back. I am thinking that for whatever reason they believe that the rift is all our fault. Obviously when there’s conflict there is always more than one person involved. But in this case the only thing I have actually Done wrong is marry Michael.  Evidently there is some disgruntlement that inheritance will go awry and people who feel that they are entitled to this land and this home won’t get what is theirs. As far as I can tell it belongs to my husband and after he is gone it will belong to whoever he says it is to belong to. Even if I never develop a relationship with my stepson or his wife, if it is Michael’s desire that the land go to His son, then that is where it will go. I just want the opportunity to live out the rest of my life in peace. My daughter does not worry about what will happen to my things or my money. Partly because she knows there isn’t much. Partly because she knows that Michael will do by her as I would have done by her and help her in all things. I wish there were someway to resolve this ugly situation but we have given up. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that says come back when you’re ready we won’t bother you anymore for now. I find it truly upsetting to be pre-judge and sentenced before anyone had the opportunity to even know me. These decisions were made in people’s minds before I ever met them and those are the most overpowering thoughts that they have. All I can do is pray that I keep a good spirit and that they eventually come around.

There is another chapter ending as well. The little girl who used to ride with us has lost another friend. Her mother has gone off the deep end once again and cut her off from us again and from her best friend and her family. This is all because her mother was questioned about why she thought it was OK to leave 2 11-year-olds alone late at night by themselves. Evidently in the state of Texas there are no rules about how old or young a child can stay alone. It has to do with whether the child can take care of itself or not. So I guess the fact that she cut herself one night while  alone and had to go to the ER didn’t count. Or that she didn’t know how to use the oven to make herself a pizza and then burned herself was actually OK. I am perplexed and confused by what people fine to be abuse. In my opinion, and in the opinion of everyone I’ve told the story to this child is being neglected, if not abused.  But since she is not suicidal and because she has not been assaulted there is nothing to be done to help her. She’s been isolated and pulled out of school and not taught anything but because of our lenient homeschool laws nothing can be done to help her. I am all for lenient homeschool laws. I homeschooled my daughter and it worked out pretty well. But I can’t understand why it’s OK to leave your kids alone all day and part of the evening with new school work, no phone, no Internet and just a bunch of video games for entertainment . Maybe that’s not actually abuse but it seems like it ought to be considered neglect.  Evidently somebody else felt the way I do because CPS was called yet again but what I hear is nothing is going to be done because she is the perfect mother and the child says she is not abused.

I am not normally this bold or this negative in my blog posts. I am sure that the people I about will know who they are and there could be some fallout. I’m prepared. I am tired of hiding because I don’t want to offend anyone. There is a right and a wrong in the world and if God is telling me to stand up for myself and for others who can’t stand up for themselves I need to listen and do His bidding.
I have a whole other discussion about how we know if we’re doing what God wants us to do or not. However, I have paperwork to do before tomorrow’s surgery and I don’t have time to wax philosophical about this subject anymore tonight.

As always if you find errors I apologize. It was a voice dictation after all.

update: evidently CPS has been out to see them 3 times recently.  So something happened. I just hope it gets the kid the help she needs.