Difficult Times

I have had a common theme in my last few weeks. I have lost a horse, my favorite dog got hit by a car and I lost my little horse riding  sidekick. Why or how is too complicated, convoluted, and inconceivable to even write down. When I look back st the last few weeks I’m scarcely sure how I arrived here. Mostly I’m just sad because I’ll miss my friend. Then I’m sad because whenever I have given the best of myself and people turn it into the worst I find that to be incredibly painful and disheartening. I am human and I make mistakes. In this case my biggest mistake was being honest and confessing something I should not have confessed. I had thought that coming clean would allow a new beginning but it just fell under the category of TMI.

Throughout all this I have been called to love someone whose behavior I don’t like. Christ calls us to love the unloveable. Even though I am despised I still feel love for my sidekick and I try to look through the situation and love her mom as well. Despite the fact that I have been called names and labeled selfish and worse I’m going to take a moment to look at the facts. When I do this I know that I really did act out of love. I’m human and I’m fallible. I would change some things if I could. But there is no room to go back. Only to go forward.

In many ways life will be easier to go back to just Mike and me. He is the most precious person to me in the world and I love every moment we have together. I had just started putting myself back out there and making friends. Time to regroup and heal and then forge ahead.

I am going to knit. 

In God's Hands

I'm so glad that I have God's love to wash over me. The last week has been so hard.  So hard.  It started with losing Patti and ended with losing the little girl who had been riding with us.  I can not bear to rehash the details again but I also know that I don't apologize for standing up for my boundaries.  In the end the child is the one losing.  I have gone over and over in my mind and heart and prayers and I don't see how I could have done this any differently.  I wish I could have found a way.

There is a song from JJ Heller that I was introduced to at church and I love it dearly.  It's called Your Hands and the lyrics go like this:

"Your Hands"

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still