Random thoughts of a tired person

I’m sitting here thinking about how much I like to write. Only now I am dictating over the iPad so I’m not sure it actually qualifies as writing. When I was a kid and a teenager are used to write all kinds of stories. My friends and I wrote some back-and-forth stories that kind of played out like soap operas because we were each certain characters and we never knew what the other person was going to do. I carried those stories around with me for years and years and I finally decided it was time to let them go. I kept one because it was my favorite and before I let them go I reread them.  They were truly awful.
This leads me into wondering if anyone really reads my blog. Or if people read my blog did they get anything out of it. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t write it because it is therapeutic for me to write the thoughts and feelings down as they come. It’s much like my binge watching of the Waltons. Every time you saw John boy he was sitting at his window on his desk with his little brown glasses on writing something in his journal. And that journal eventually became a novel. I don’t know that I would ever write a novel. You’re always told to write what you know and if I wrote about all the people and things I’d like to write about I would probably get in a lot of trouble as people recognized themselves in the stories.
I was also thinking that John boy would’ve probably really enjoyed being able to sit back and talk to his iPad rather than have to dip his pen and ink because I’m pretty sure there weren’t any ball point pen‘s.
I am having surgery on my left hand for carpal tunnel and Westpalm for arthritis tomorrow morning. They tell me I will be in a splint for about two weeks and then I will have to undergo physical therapy but that 90% of people have a significant relief from the pain. This is super good news because my phone has been sore for over a year. I think I told the doctor it was a year but it seems like it was hurting even when I was back in Arlington. I would take breaks from playing the guitar and use the keyboard, played with my right hand, to give my thumb a break. Now that I am passionate about learning to play the banjo I really want this dumb thumb to be OK.  Plus it keeps me from being able to knit and crochet and play the piano like I want to as well. Mostly it just aches all the time. The sad part is I can already tell my right thumb is going to need some attention eventually.
This leads me to thinking about my future. I have been in Musictherapy since 1991 and became a massage therapist in 2005. Both of these things require my thumbs. My whole hand really, but especially my thong. You can’t do friction and deep thumb  pressure without a phone on massage client. It’s very hard to play the guitar the banjo without bracing the guitar on your thumb.
I have been feeling burned out at my current position. The things that I love about it are the flexibility and the ability to make my own schedule. The things I don’t like about it or having 15 to 20 different bosses and having to keep everyone happy as to their schedule. When I take off a day it usually upsets people. I have been thinking how nice it would be to have paid vacation so I could take off next week and just recover. I have also been thinking that I just want to do something different but I don’t know what it is. However, I don’t know what I could possibly do that would make anywhere as much money and give me the flexibility I want. I often wish I had become something else as a career so that I could keep my flexibility that make more money. When I listen to Dave Ramsey and I hear people talk about how they make over 150,000 per year I find myself jealous and wishing that could be me. There is some debt to pay off but my shovel is small and it’s taking way longer than I want it to.
I have also been pondering relationships in my life that I want to improve but have no power over. Yesterday I sent a message to my stepson‘s wife’s parents to try to talk to them about the differences that we are all having. Michael added to the message and we tried very hard to be cordial and kind but yet asked for answers. It is now been 36 hours and we have heard nothing back. I am thinking that for whatever reason they believe that the rift is all our fault. Obviously when there’s conflict there is always more than one person involved. But in this case the only thing I have actually Done wrong is marry Michael.  Evidently there is some disgruntlement that inheritance will go awry and people who feel that they are entitled to this land and this home won’t get what is theirs. As far as I can tell it belongs to my husband and after he is gone it will belong to whoever he says it is to belong to. Even if I never develop a relationship with my stepson or his wife, if it is Michael’s desire that the land go to His son, then that is where it will go. I just want the opportunity to live out the rest of my life in peace. My daughter does not worry about what will happen to my things or my money. Partly because she knows there isn’t much. Partly because she knows that Michael will do by her as I would have done by her and help her in all things. I wish there were someway to resolve this ugly situation but we have given up. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that says come back when you’re ready we won’t bother you anymore for now. I find it truly upsetting to be pre-judge and sentenced before anyone had the opportunity to even know me. These decisions were made in people’s minds before I ever met them and those are the most overpowering thoughts that they have. All I can do is pray that I keep a good spirit and that they eventually come around.

There is another chapter ending as well. The little girl who used to ride with us has lost another friend. Her mother has gone off the deep end once again and cut her off from us again and from her best friend and her family. This is all because her mother was questioned about why she thought it was OK to leave 2 11-year-olds alone late at night by themselves. Evidently in the state of Texas there are no rules about how old or young a child can stay alone. It has to do with whether the child can take care of itself or not. So I guess the fact that she cut herself one night while  alone and had to go to the ER didn’t count. Or that she didn’t know how to use the oven to make herself a pizza and then burned herself was actually OK. I am perplexed and confused by what people fine to be abuse. In my opinion, and in the opinion of everyone I’ve told the story to this child is being neglected, if not abused.  But since she is not suicidal and because she has not been assaulted there is nothing to be done to help her. She’s been isolated and pulled out of school and not taught anything but because of our lenient homeschool laws nothing can be done to help her. I am all for lenient homeschool laws. I homeschooled my daughter and it worked out pretty well. But I can’t understand why it’s OK to leave your kids alone all day and part of the evening with new school work, no phone, no Internet and just a bunch of video games for entertainment . Maybe that’s not actually abuse but it seems like it ought to be considered neglect.  Evidently somebody else felt the way I do because CPS was called yet again but what I hear is nothing is going to be done because she is the perfect mother and the child says she is not abused.

I am not normally this bold or this negative in my blog posts. I am sure that the people I about will know who they are and there could be some fallout. I’m prepared. I am tired of hiding because I don’t want to offend anyone. There is a right and a wrong in the world and if God is telling me to stand up for myself and for others who can’t stand up for themselves I need to listen and do His bidding.
I have a whole other discussion about how we know if we’re doing what God wants us to do or not. However, I have paperwork to do before tomorrow’s surgery and I don’t have time to wax philosophical about this subject anymore tonight.

As always if you find errors I apologize. It was a voice dictation after all.

update: evidently CPS has been out to see them 3 times recently.  So something happened. I just hope it gets the kid the help she needs.

Sermon Notes Words Reveal Character

"Either make the tree good, and its fruit good; or make the tree corrupt, and its fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by its fruit. Ye offspring of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. The good man out of his good treasure bringeth forth good things: and the evil man out of his evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. And I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned."

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭12:33-37‬ ‭ASV‬‬

Are there enough words in the dictionary to use other words other than cuss words?  Or do we have enough intelligence not to use cuss words.  (I am guilty of this)

"But let your speech be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: and whatsoever is more than these is of the evil one."

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:37‬ ‭ASV‬‬

Your yes needs to be yes and your no needs to be no.  No Grey areas. 

Make a tree good and it will bear good fruit. Make a tree bad and it will bear bad fruit. Put good things into us and good will come out. 

Good fruit is good all the time. It doesn’t go bad. 

Hypocrites are people who do not walk the walk after the talk the talk. Avoiding church BC we didn’t want to be around people who are two faced makes you not want to be a part of it. More relationships with God (and other people) have been destroyed by not walking the walk. 

I was thinking about Max said at the beginning of the sermon about how many words people say in their lifetimes. He made a joke about some of us using up our words early in life but I think he’s right. I have literally come to a point where I just don’t feel like talking to people all the time anymore. I like to read books and have quiet and watch TV either alone or with my family.  I have tightened my circle of friends and decided to not spend a lot of time with  people who don’t Lift me up and don’t allow me to life them up. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends with non believers but I am done letting people who are hateful run my life or my attitude. I have been coming to this conclusion for a long time. I have learned to follow my path and do what the Lord wants me to do. 

I was perplexed this week when I tried to help a child who is not being parented. Unfortunately she is not being abused in the classic sense of the word. Cps doesn’t care if a parent is mean and crazy as long as the kid isn’t suicidal. And if that kid isn’t in school there is no law to require the parent to educate that child. 

Random thoughts

I do not move enough. If I moved more I would burn more calories. I put too many other things in front of me. For some reason I have grown to think that taken care of me first is selfish. If I took better care of me I would exercise each day instead of finding a bunch of other things to do instead. Starting now I am putting me first. That is what God wants me to do and that is what I need to do. As I drive to church to do the play day I have lots of different things going through my head. I have been getting myself off of Effexor but I find that my anxiety is hirer. I honestly don’t know if it is because I am going off of Effexor or if I am worried about my anxiety which of course will make me more anxious. I also made a conscious decision the other day to quit worrying so much about my weight. And now I am 3 pounds heavier which makes me worry about my weight.  I do not move enough. If I moved more I would burn more calories. I put too many other things in front of me. For some reason I have grown to think that taking care of me first is selfish. If I took better care of me I would exercise each day instead of finding a bunch of other things to do instead. Starting now I am putting me first. That is what God wants me to do and that is what I need to do.

The wonder of Joe Bob

This time yesterday I was pretty sure that Joe Bob was going to die. I'm happy to report that today, except for a cough he is doing great. He is on soup for the foreseeable future and I'm not sure when he will be able to join the herd, but it will be at least one week if not more. We don't know yet if it will damage his ability to perform in the distance venue yet, but we honestly just don't care.

I have begun to write more of these blog posts because it seems like if people take the time to read them, their comments are more mature and less shoot from the hip. I have also been thinking of starting a video blog, but wonder if anyone would be interested or why I should/could do that.

Tales from the Equine water cooler

I am sitting at my desk this morning watching the horses in the pasture. This last week we were able to fix some fence and close a couple gates and give the horses access to our entire piece of land.  Graciously, Michael's sister has not objected to that that part of what they are now running on is hers also. The plan before Michael got hurt a couple weeks ago was to be cross fencing that pasture so they aren't on any ground but ours. We will also then put the cows on our ground too which will make everything really awesome.  We will then have the ability to plant some grasses and rehab the pastures which have grown sudan for the cows for many years. Hopefully, eventually we will be able to raise our own hay as well.

Jan let her horses come out with mine so they all have about 80 or 90 acres to run on. They have access to three tanks and lots of different grass. They seem to be happy, but most days still come up for their feeding and inspection. When they come up I try to always give them something.

Last night I had a few lessons to teach and the herd came up. In the mix of horses some feed got dropped and Joe Bob ate some feed off the ground and immediately choked.  He has choked before. He and Liberty are both chokers and we have done what we can to minimize the problems associated with choke, but this time he just got the better of us.  He has been choking since 6 last evening. He had Dynamite Relax and Release, which in the past has fixed most of our chokes. We lavaged water and a little corn oil and massaged...at 9 I gave him banamine and put him where he couldn't eat all night. This morning he was still in a bad way and I called the vet.  She was not particularly encouraging. She says he may have a ruptured esophagus. He is running a fever and is still rattling. Heart rate and respirations are high.

I love my vet. From the moment she arrived and she lined out how this may go, she did nothing to make me feel like I should have or could have done more for Joe Bob.  She said ideally I would take him to a hospital but that the diagnositics alone would be $500 or $600 before we ever did any treatment and then who knew from there. Sadly we are still paying for Sherman's colic which was $1500 last fall.  She also told us that we had done more for him already than a lot of people do for their choking horses. Practically sometimes all you can do is put the horse is stall with a bucket of water and hope.  So, for the next few days he gets Banamine and two antibiotics each morning.  We are hoping the blockage clears itself and that he doesn't have a rupture.  If he gets dehydrated will go have a port put in and hang him fluid. As a side note, Mike used to have a bunch of bags of fluids from when his late wife had dialysis. Sadly he turned them back into the pharmacy because he never thought he'd need them.  And now they are over $50/bag.

She was also encouraging about my Crown Valiant (Ivan Valentino as Maggie calls him) She thinks he's a fine horse, just needs groceries. She was surprised he wasn't started and I told her that was part of the summer project. Oops, summer is almost over.

It's been fun watching the horses this morning. With the herds mingled, they have worked out a new structure for themselves.  Ivan is above Stormy now, which makes sense b/c she is the youngest.  Dixie is the bottom of everyone, still. Kairro has become a stud muffin to not one but 2 other red horses. Journey is a hussy to all the boys.  I had thought Ember was pregnant, but now as she flirts with Kairro it's clear that she is in raging heat and not pregnant.  My sweet Vandy just tries to stay out of the way.

Last night, watching a child ride who is especially fearful I was struck by the fact that sometimes we have to give up control and give up our fears to gain control of our lives in new and different ways.  I woke up at 4am thinking about this.  I kept thinking about losing control to gain happiness. Much like when we give up control of our lives so that Jesus can come in and take over. I have thought about how many times I have tried to force my control of the horse (or my life) only to be taught the lesson of I'm not the one in charge. Sometimes it's because I don't have the right relationship to make the changes I want to make. Sometimes it because I'm blind to the needs of others.

It seems like I had another profound thought as I lay there not sleeping, praying for a young person I know who is struggling right now, but I can't think what it was...And I have to leave for work so it will have to be a topic for a later post.

Addendum

Moments after I wrote the above I walked out to the truck to drive to my first appointment of the day. I had already had to reschedule the first one because of Joe Bob, but when I saw that my truck had less than 13 pounds of pressure in the rear tire on the passenger side I decide it was a sign from God to punt the day.

I'm starting to think God did not want me to increase my work load...Of course, then I question whether  God would say that since it brings a better bottom line to the family financially speaking.  I just know that ever since I said I'd take the extra clients I have had nothing but trouble with my schedule. I have seen them all once and then last week Mike had his accident and now this.  It's probably just bad luck, but I so hate making people angry when I can't show up.  However, I also know that there are sometimes other priorities. 

At 4 am I woke up singing the song that is listed below. I have been listening to it a lot and practicing it because I plan to sing it Sunday at church, but with the trials of the last couple weeks it seems especially fitting.


Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

Why do people not come to church ?

"But when he came to himself he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight: I am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But while he was yet afar off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him."

‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:17-20‬ ‭ASV‬‬

http://bible.com/12/luk.15.17-20.asv

If we are going to do church right it’s going to be messy. 

Excuse 1. I don’t look anything like those folks at church so I’m just not going to go I don’t want to stand out and be that different. I’m not going to change so there is no reason for me to come to church. 

Excuse 2.  Church people are too fake. People aren’t real when they are in church. 

Excuse  3. You might ask me to do something I don’t want to do like pray out loud or read the Bible. 

Well I had written a ton more but it somehow none of it saved. I’m so upset. It was a really great sermon. I’ll add a link to the sermon when it comes

 Sermon from 7-8

Life without Michael

I can not even imagine what my life would be like without my husband.  I had a moment on Saturday where I feared that might happen when he was bucked off the horse he was riding and landed in the dirt.  Never have I been more happy that we always wear helmets when we ride. Everyone heard it hit the dirt and even some of the cowboys said they were happy that he had it on (of course, they wouldn't think to wear one themselves ;-)  He got up and found his way to his chair and though he was battered and bruised he didn't look all that bad at first.  His shoulder hurt, but he didn't want the grand kids to miss out riding (or me either)...and the ER in Gatesville wasn't open because of the explosion at the hospital this past Tuesday.

I worried about him some when he kept asking the same questions. Later he said that it was because he was having a hard time believing he had come off and that he was trying to put together the facts as he was being told with what little he did remember. At first though he said that he remembered getting on the horse, but not getting off.  He seemed to rally around the idea that he had last 8 seconds (and he did) but he kept asking where he fell off and what happened. This is a sure sign of a concussion.

We had planned to grill out with our son in law and his daughter and the grand kids and swim and stuff, so it was a super bummer when he got home and realized that he needed to go to the doctor after all. He wanted to be clean b/c in these situations you never know when your next shower is going to be. We went to the open urgent care at the Gatesville Hospital and as soon as they heard "bucked off a horse" they asked me if he had been "ejected" and I answered that I guess so. They then said that activated the trauma team and we needed to go to Temple Scott and White because they weren't 100% up and running in Gatesville. They offered to take him by ambulance, but we didn't think that was necessary so we drove to Temple. I drive to Temple all the time but this seemed like a really long trip this time.

When we got to the Temple ER we checked in at the window and it didn't look very busy but we figured that it would be waiting awhile because that's what you do that the ER.  As soon as I told them he was bucked off a horse, the woman in the window asked me if he had been ejected and I said yes, I guess being bucked off is being ejected.  She then help up a hand to me, got on the phone and called the trauma team.  In less than 30 seconds they were forcing Michael into a wheelchair and taking him back to a room and a team of multiple doctors and technicians were xraying, ultrasounding and poking and prodding.  We were kind of incredulous because it just didn't seem like that big of a deal to us...we fall off and get hurt...it happens.  They said he had a possible Pneumothorax which was confirmed and explained why his chest had gotten tighter and tighter. His lung hadn't collapsed, but it would have.

So, now he is in the hospital with a chest tube waiting for the leak in his lung to heal. They say he will be in at least 2 more days, because he can't go home till his lung quits leaking.  They did come in and change out his vacuum and it appears that it was faulty. The new one doesn't show any leaks.

Here is the challenge though.  I can't do anything around here. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd function here without him.  The swimming pool had a leaky pump and I couldn't open it. Several horses need trimming and my hands will no longer squeeze the nippers.  I had to buy square bales for the horses because I don't know how to run the tractor to move the bales of hay. I can't believe how pitifully ill equipped I am to work around here and take care of things.  When he comes home he's going to need time to heal but the work never stops. He is the rock that holds this place together. I can't imagine how I would ever manage without him.  I told him he had to teach me to do these things because I can't not know how to take care of things.

This morning a friend from church came over and helped me with Journey.  On Saturday I was ready for her to go to Mexico on a meat truck (oh not really, but I was pretty mad at her) and today I feel like I Have a little better understanding of her and her personality.  Deb showed me how she gets uncomfortable so easily and how pushing her just makes it worse.  Honestly, these are things I already knew, but seeing someone else do it made a big difference to how I saw her. I saw her through new eyes this morning. So, for now my plan is to do lots of ground work with her and proceed slowly.  Deb may take her if I can't do it, but it's a start.  I think if Mike needs a backup he can ride Ginger, but better, he just needs to stick with Joe Bob because is so trustworthy.  I'm honestly not sure that I can make the time for her. I have three horses I'm riding that I adore. I'm not sure I have time for a fourth.

I started showing Maggie how to trim feet today. We are both having a bad day.  It seems like we start crying at the drop of a hat today.  I'm sad because I miss Michael and then another dear friend was very kind to me today and I started crying again.

I find that I am just out of patience for people who think it is OK to criticize me on a regular basis.  People I thought were my friends who turned out to be opportunistic more than showing friendship. I have begun to realize that I am so much happier here in my little community and maybe it's time to let go of some of those people who continue to be critical.  I was left out of an event that I have gone to all but one year. I was accused of staying home from a meeting to do something frivolous. I want to know why people find this acceptable.  The people doing this would not tolerate being criticized in this way. I want to know why people think it's ok to criticize me.  I find myself wondering this alot. I would like to change whatever it is I do that makes people think I'm ok to pick on.  I'm done. I'm just done. I am not putting up with this crap anymore!

Then I think about other things that make me happy. Little relationships I see developing that make me smile and I can't help but be happy.

My world is so much bigger yet smaller than it used to be. I never want to live anywhere but here and I never want to be away from Michael like this ever again.  He had better live a long, long time.