Kind is the New Classy part 1

I have been reading this wonderful book called Kind is the New Classy by Candace Cameron Bure.  There are "study questions" at the end of each chapter and I find that I want to blog about them because I have been thinking a lot about this concept of finding purpose and being kind and having manners.

The first chapter is about finding our purpose as women.  She says to take cues from the past to figure out what we are supposed to be doing.  I know for myself, every time I question whether I'm in the right line of work I realize that my greatest joy is when I'm singing, especially when I'm singing to praise the Lord.  I also like helping people, so in many ways it's completely appropriate that I Have become a music therapist and a massage therapist.  I have been working for a way to combine these two loves and I think I have found it working as a Childbirth Coach and Doula. I have been taking a perinatal music therapy class and I have already taken a Music therapy assisted childbirth class. Even when I think about doing other things I do feel like I am moving in the right direction.

Edited 5-31.

After I wrote this a few days ago I had thought about it more. Even though it seems like this is a good and worthy cause for the future I realize that my real passion is it therapy. I need, it’s my job and I do it pretty well and I don’t mind doing it every day but it is it’s my passion. This morning while I should have been doing preparation for an upcoming music therapy session, I was in bed getting music ready for band practice tonight. So far my favorite thing I did today was to get music ready. I did eventually start working on my actual work and I got it. But I realize that even though it is not my job it is definitely what I want to be doing. I was so disappointed that this new client does not believe. It means I can’t use my favorite music.

PS 6/6

I continue to think about this and I wonder sometimes if I'm a very good therapist. I love the hospice work I do and I mostly love the other work, but right now, massage is way more appealing to me than music and I don't know why. Sometimes I Think that if I could do anything I wouldn't do music at all but I'd have a horse career, but then I think that I don't want to turn my hobby into a job. I also think that Mike and I would do really well in a sewing business together if we had a product that made enough money. I would really like a job where I could cook for people, but I'm not at all sure that's lucrative enough to even do. I think about my perfect job and it's just silly. I'd like a job where I set my own hours, could listen to books or movies while I worked but was still useful to others and did them a service. I don't think this job exists. 

I don't want to be in the middle

Disclaimer: This is a combination of many incidents where I have heard and/or felt these words and this emotional position. If it resembles you in a conversation with me than it may have happened. This is not an indictment of anyone in particular, just me ranting about all the bad things that have come out of society when these words get spoken.

I hate bullies.   Since I was a small child when I saw injustice I would stick up for the underdog. I was discouraged to do this by my parents, but it never stuck. I felt like I had the ability to dissect the situation and figure out who was truly at fault and who was being bullied and I didn't like it. One day, on the bus ride home from school a boy was picking on my brother. When we got off the bus this kid was going to fight him and slugged him and told my brother to run home. I was terrified I was going to be in trouble, but I'm guessing being slugged by a 3rd or 4th grade girl probably doesn't hurt much.

I feel good and worthy when I stick up for people...however I often get thrown under the bus by the "I don't want to get in the middle" people.  Most of the time people say this after they have stirred the pot or started a fire on one side, so they are already in the middle. They just don't want to stick up for the other side, or they remember how much they hate confrontation and back off. 

It seems to me that Hitler was a bully and look what trouble he caused.

I am a Child of God.  I don't like to fight with people, but I will absolutely get fired up and defend what I believe is right.  I'm not going to lay down and take people running over the top of me. I try to nicely set things up first, then I speak with more force, but don't be mistaken, I will fight back. I think that folks think I'm not going to fight because I get angry and then move on from my anger because staying angry just takes way too much energy. I believe that our enemy (Satan) gets a foothold every time someone says they don't want to be in the middle, or refuses to stand up for what is right. I'm even ok with an out and out argument if both people are fighting for what they believe in.  I believe that an honest exchange, even if it's an emotional exchange, will often bring good results if each party is able to express their feelings and thoughts in a constructive way. 

In any case, I'm taking a stress break tomorrow and Sunday and seeing some girlfriends I haven't spent time with since Michael and I married.  I need a break from several stressful scenarios that have played out this week. I'm hoping that a couple days with friends will be relaxing.  It will be weird though because I haven't camped away from Mike since we became a couple almost 2 years ago (June 11, 2016). He is totally cool with me going. In fact, he insisted.  Now, to do paperwork so I can relax this weekend...

Clarity

You know how sometimes you go through life be bopping along feeling like you are in the right path. You feel like you know where the Lord wants you to go and you're so happy that you feel almost silly with glee. For me, those are the times the rug seems to be yanked out from under me. I have always wondered if this happened because I had too much pride or got too cocky. Or if it happens because God wants me to go another direction and has to really get my attention but knocking me over. I still don't know the answer. I just know that it's in these minutes I feel heart sick and sad about events that transpire. I have also been questioning why people don't follow me when I lead. And why other people seem to thinking taking over is an acceptable solution when they aren't getting their way but have no actual authority. And none of this can ever be simple or easy because the person I need to lean on the most needs to be impartial. 

So I pray for clarity. I want to do what God wants me to do. No one said this would be easy. 

Happiness vs Pleasure sermon notes

John 10:14 I am the Good Shepherd. I know my sheep and they know me. 

It's much easier seeing other people who are heading toward something stupid heading toward them than we are at spotting our own issues. 

Usually with cowboys the thing we hear before things go wrong is "Hey watch this" crazy stuff. We should avoid these situations. 

John 16:33. I have told you these things so that in me you can have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take heart I have overcome the world. 

Peace equates to happiness. 

These situations build our character. God allows these things to happen in our lives to build our faith. The reason we often undermine our own happiness is not knowing the difference between happiness and pleasure. 

John 10:16. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, and have it abundantly. 

Jesus is talking about ultimately  happiness and peace. Someone, not just the devil, is trying to steal our peace and happiness. Someone is always after our peace and happiness

Who in our lives has the greatest capacity to steal our future, peace, relationship?  The answer is us. We have the greatest potential to destroy our own future. We have to take responsibility. It's not everyone else's fault that things aren't going the way we want them to. It's my responsibility for letting my peace be taken away.  

People who are musicians are our worse critics...this is so true. Max called it. We constantly beat ourselves up because we don't feel like we're good at it. 

The common denominator in most things that have messed up is us. It's not anyone else. I Have been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks. I have realized that many of my choices on what I spend my time and money has been the cause of my misery. I have only so many hours in a day and I need to be more choosy about where I spend my resources. I have been questioning the why of how things happen and instead I need to question my choices that I make for me. 

My pastors wife asked me if the people I was pursuing were Godly people. And they aren't. The people I have tried to chase down are not believers and they don't have my best interest at heart. 

The good shepherd died for us to have happiness.  

The thief doesn't want us to have happiness. Don't let Satan or other people steal our happiness. 

Sheep aren't bright animals. They are baaaaddd. Lol. God knew what he was doing when he called his people sheep. He's telling us we are our own worse enemy. 

We don't have to be believers to do stupid stuff.  

God intended for us to experience pleasure. Happiness leads us to pleasure. Pleasure does not always make happiness. 

Romans 6:16. Do you know if you offer yourself as a slave to someone else for obedience, you are slaves of the one you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?

Sin leads to death in our relationships and other areas of my life. If we follow Jesus we will ultimately have happiness and joy. We are not to be obedience or enslaved to our past. We are enslaved by that pleasure if it's sinful. What is it we reach for when we've had the worst day possible? That may be pleasure that is sinful. I had to laugh BC the pastor asked us this question and I thought wine and horses. Or maybe gin or tequila. 

Is there a pleasure that is undermining my happiness, joy and peace?  Have we become a slave to that pleasure?

The Great Commission sermon notes.

Matthew 28. The Great Commission 

People often leave the church or say they are not satisfied at church. 

Pastor believes that we will ultimately be judged by God of how well we fulfilled our job description. 

"And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth."  "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,". "teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.""

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭28:18- 20‬ ‭NASB‬‬

Disciple means follower. 

Personal note...I have been shying away from having people following me. I have been shying away from being a disciple. Wondering if this is a sign from God that I'm making bad choices. I'm not even talking about Christ. Just in general. 

Our job description 

1. Our church is to focus our, not in. The major reason we have had people leave the church is BC they have never understood that they should focus out.  Verse 19 doesn't say to only make disciples out of people we like. (Personal note...I have been doing this for awhile and have been experiencing burnout. Time to get off my tush). Our primary responsibility is not to come to church. It is to bring others to church. 

2. The disciples  of the church help people be and do. If you are a follower of Jesus and have not been baptized then you should be baptized. After we baptized them we should teach them all things Jesus. If Jesus says to do it. We should do it. It is a sign of spiritual maturity.  

3.  Our job is done through we not me. Jesus is with us always.  God shows up in a church fulfills their job description. It's not in the shear number of people. Jesus says let's do this job together. 

Jesus  has come into our heart so we can bring Jesus into other peoples lives   

The sin of pride

I have been reading books about the Enneagram for a few months now.The first one I read was called The Road Back to You. It was a nice primer and I have recently bought a few more books on the subject but I am just getting started on. The one I am currently reading is called The Path Between Us by Suzanne's Stabile, who was also one of the authors of The Road Back to You.  

I have pretty much determined that I am what is called a two. Who is known by the word help her, give her, or as another author puts it, befriender.  While  I knew it was likely I could be at two to start with he did not really resonate with me until I began to dig deeper and found that who's are often called befrienders.  One of the authors of the road back to you says that when you find your type you will be uncomfortable with all the details that go with it. This was certainly the case for me. As I read the description of a two it reminded  of someone else in my life, actually a couple of someone's in my life that I knew were twos.  and they are people  I don't like very much. 

Every number has a deadly sin that goes with the good of the traits. There is no good or bad type there are only good traits and bad traits. The sin of the 2 is pride. This isn't pride like being proud of something exactly. This is pride of self, of feeling like we are good people, doing good things, when maybe we are not.  For myself I have been thinking about how I always wanted to get in the middle of things and "fix" things. I wanted to help, be useful and have people like me.  I think I did this because it convinced me that I should like myself.  Funny thing has happened over the last few months. Now that I have learned to like myself it hasn't been necessary to befriend every random person who comes along. I'm taking more time for me and my family and less time to run around helping and befriending everyone who I run across.  This has been a foreign concept to me in so many ways in the past. I'm learning just to sit still and be...read a book, crochet, sew etc. Enjoy the quiet of a sunny afternoon in my office.

At first I thought that I was becoming more Introverted and going against my character. I worried that I was "depressed" and losing interest in things I had previously loved. I have come to realize that I don't need distractions anymore. I can just be.

--

Alice Perryman MA, MT-BC, LMT
Music Therapist
Massage Therapist

Shaken Faith

I have begun to wonder how I can be so happy and complete in my faith in God and in my husband and find myself doubting so many people in the world.  It seems like about the same time that I became happy in my private and home life, my faith in people sort of went out the window.  I remember Joel Osteen once saying that God will sometimes do this as an attempt to get us to look to him.  While I am not a huge fan of Joel, I found at the time that those words rang true at that time.

I find myself constantly questioning the motivations of other people and wondering what they are thinking or if they are thinking at all.  People I thought I was going to forge close relationships with have demonstrated in so many ways that they can't be trusted.  In some cases I have no idea what went wrong. In others I have a pretty good idea and honestly would not change the interactions I have had because their behavior demonstrates just how shallow they are. 

I find myself wondering why I have such a hard time speaking my mind when others are clearly being rude and breaking into my boundaries.  I know that it is because I do want to get along as much as possible, but that said, sometimes I really want to let them have it.  Recently I had a conversation with someone who was telling me how someone else felt about a situation.  I lost my temper and said that she could repeat...(well that's not really the point of the story) She then said to me that she wasn't going to put herself in the middle.  I didn't think of it till later but I should have said that she had already put herself in the middle by listening to their side.  She has been in the middle for a long time, fanning the fires of a negative relationship while pretending to be on my side.  In this situation I know exactly what went wrong, but feel like I made amends...of course after making amends I did tell her she was wrong about something factual (and she was--I googled it and talked to concrete sources) and I'm sure that didn't help. In some ways I hate that this relationship has turned out this way, but in others it has shown me that we weren't really friends at all since it took something so small to keep us from being close. And it makes me wonder what was said behind my back about me before I realized that she really didn't have my back. 

I often find myself just shaking my head in disbelief at people...this weekend I was at a competition with my horse and an experienced rider was telling one of the new riders who she could count on for help.  I had already offered my assistance and was standing there while she pointed out all the people this girl should ask for help.  After that lady had left I turned to the new girl and said that if she needed anything I had been doing this since 2002. Oh yeah and I Had a horse who placed top in the nation in my class in 2015..somehow a competitor who has been in the sport just a couple years was better suited...I don't know. I was gratified to find I did not care so much about the experienced rider as I have been in the past.  I really have just quit trying to get "In" with anyone.  These days I honestly just prefer to ride my horse, place when it happens, see beautiful scenery when I don't and enjoy these awesome days with my husband.

I do believe that God wants us to keep our eyes on him and it is sometimes hard to do. I feel resentment and sadness bubble up when I think about how hard I have worked at so many things to still be unappreciated.  It takes my natural instinct to be helpful and just squishes it down. 

I have been studying the Enneagram and have read a couple of really good books.  I have come to realize I am a 2 on the Enneagram and this is the Helper, The Giver or the Befriender...this is the one with which I most resonate.  The 2 wants to be friends with everyone and finding out that you can't be is really difficult.  According to the Enneagram 2's deadly sin is pride. This doesn't necessarily mean being proud of accomplishments, but pride in our ability to help/give/befriend. Some 2's give to get, and while I don't think I'm one of those people, I do have a lot of indignation and disbelief when people treat me badly "after I have done so much and treated them so well." I have Golden Rule Syndrome...I expect that because I am nice to others that others will be nice to me. Let me tell you it just isn't true. 

And then there are the people who dislike me for no reason that I can figure.  The ones that I want so badly to be close to for whatever reason, be they family or just cool people, and they just aren't my people.  There are a couple of these in my new, Perryman family.  I have done everything I can do to work things out with these folks and I have had to accept that this is not my problem.  I have written letters, praised them, encouraged and been friendly.  I have, in return, been snubbed and ignored and even bashed behind my back. Michael along with me and they are supposed to be people who should love him no matter what.  I don't even care if we are friends anymore, but I would at least like for all of us to be friendly.  I would like to be respected as an elder.  I have mentioned this in the past and was told that they would not "lie" about their feelings and treat me as though they liked me when they just could not.  Wow...I would never have been that way to my parent's friends and my elders. Even if I really disliked you...because it just wasn't done "back in the day".  I would so like to be able to sit down and converse with these people and just find a way to fix it. Sometimes I think that it's almost better just to start over than to rehash and that would be OK too.

So, yeah, this is a huge rant about all the crap that's been frustrating me lately.  I have been writing this post in my head for awhile and decided it was just time to say something...and I find myself hoping that the people in the stories know who they are...I would like to be able to have a conversation and make peace, but right now just having them know how insulted and frustrated I have been by their behavior is enough.  I had hesitated writing any of it down lest those folks wear it as a badge of courage that they have hurt or upset me. However, if they feel that way then it is definitely not my problem since I truly do want to just get along.  I mean, we could have a conversation and hash out some stuff, but I'm not sure there is anything to be solved.

All of these things were what made Mike and I think we wanted to live at the beach far away from everyone.  People have taken him for granted far too long. I believe a lot of the hostility comes from him having a life he's loving and somehow that's my fault. 

If you are still reading...Michael and I had a great weekend at the Pine Grove Giddyup in Leslie Arkansas.  Joe Bob wasn't too bad this time...he was good enough to be first in Novice Heavyweight, but not good enough to win sweepstakes, but hey, that's ok.  Mike is so good with him when he has his Joe Bob moments...yes I know you aren't supposed to describe a noun with itself, but it is really the only want to explain joe bob..silly horse. Vandy got sixth.  Mike got second and I didn't place in a class of really good riders. I don't care so much about the placings anymore, but I did find myself lamenting on several of the obstacles that they were ones that Liberty would have aced.  Vandy will in time. He's a great, comfortable, sweet ride and I had a wonderful weekend. The worst part is the driving up and coming home leaving us both exhausted today. I have been doing paperwork and promoting my massage biz on social media and working on my Perinatal music therapy class. In a little while I'm going to try to figure out why I can't get my DVR and my ipad to talk...you know, important stuff.

Jan Lear was at the ride too and she placed in her CP B class. I think she was fourth and her horse, Kairro was 2nd.  She was exhausted, but had fun.