When I was a teenager I used to write a little poetry and a little prose. I used to write stories with my friends. I felt like I was really good with words and I loved to express myself in words. I still do, but often they stay trapped inside my head instead of getting out on paper where I want them to be. Sometimes I feel like if I don't take the time to journal I will never get that jumble of thoughts out to make sense of my life.
I find myself wondering how my life got so complicated. I live in this tiny town and I am loving ever moment of it. I find myself wanting to go back to my hermiting ways of when I first moved here. I am a people person by nature, but I find that my people loving ways are what get me into the most trouble. I find myself wanting to be included, wanting to help out, but I lack many of the social skills I need to do so properly. I don't read people the way I want to be able to read them. More exactly, I read them exactly how they intend to be read and the vibes I get make me so uncomfortable that I blunder. I am a bull in the china shop of emotions. I have so many things happening inside me at any given time that I Have trouble just sitting and pulling back without my mind being entertained to the possibilities.
And, as much as I like people, I also like my downtime when I can meander through my day slowly and with no one pressuring me.
I think maybe the changes of the last three years are just catching up with me. I think perhaps I was so busy running toward what I wanted that I didn't really take the time to process what I was leaving behind. I was aware this was happening, but really felt helpless to stop it. I did what I needed to do and I'm not sorry for my choices. If I hadn't done things exactly as I did I would not be here in this space surrounded by the love of my husband and my new community.
But I still am wistful for the people I once I had. I will miss them...and on one hand I think about "fixing it" On the other hand I don't think I have that ability, or honestly that desire. I did not leave them behind, they left me behind. I thought they were my people, but evidently they belonged to someone else.When I think about this too much I want to cry, so I do my best not to think about it. Even worse is to know that some of those are actually happy that I am now outside the circle. I think the person telling me the story called it "gleeful". I don't know which hurt worse, hearing that people were unhappy at my sadness or having someone I thought was close tell me about it, because if she had been on my side she would have stuck up for me or at least not desired to hurt me further.
Yesterday was trying....last year we befriended a girl from church. (this is a long, long story that I won't go back into) and her mom turned out not to be a stellar person. Along with the girl's best friend's mom, we took care of her and took her riding and just generally took her under our wing. I began to be suspicious that there was a lot of bad stuff happening in the home. This caused the relationship to be banished by mom until she needed us again. Then this summer she went really nuts and banished the best friend's mom too. Now she is ranting and raving about how we have brought a killer to her doorstep because of my investigations (Honestly, all I did was google her--it wasn't a big deal) She believes that the "killers from her past" can find her because I googled her. This lady is nuts. She pulled her kid out of school and isolated her because the principle was asking her to be responsible and pick her up off the bus or send someone else. Now she says she's going to run. She recently went to jail for forgery and she's trying to say it's because of an animal welfare case because she is a "well known" advocate for animals. She says she's going to prosecute me for false CPS reporting. (good luck with that). I worry about the kid so much. I wish there was something I could do to help her. I wish that CPS would see that she isn't a fit mother.
After my funk of the summer I am finally getting back to a happier place. I no longer hate my job. I find peace in the routine of it and comfort in the regular paycheck. I still feel over tired and and over programmed even though that is an illusion since I don't do much outside of work currently. I would like about a week of days to just rest and relax. I know that the pressure I put on myself is just me. Mike treats me like a queen. It is me that can't seem to be still. I haven't been sleeping either and that's driving me nuts. I really need and like my sleep. But I know I'm on the mend emotionally because I'm thinking about the crafting I want to do and how I want to start sewing again once I get our new office space set up. I think the inertia and the heat of the summer really got to me.
At the end of this week Maggie starts a new adventure. She is going to Colorado to work for a friend of ours in her vet clinic. She will start in the office and then eventually get to learn vet tech type stuff. They aren't sure what the end game will be. They are waiting to see what her skill set is. I'm really excited for her but I will miss her.
I find myself wondering how my life got so complicated. I live in this tiny town and I am loving ever moment of it. I find myself wanting to go back to my hermiting ways of when I first moved here. I am a people person by nature, but I find that my people loving ways are what get me into the most trouble. I find myself wanting to be included, wanting to help out, but I lack many of the social skills I need to do so properly. I don't read people the way I want to be able to read them. More exactly, I read them exactly how they intend to be read and the vibes I get make me so uncomfortable that I blunder. I am a bull in the china shop of emotions. I have so many things happening inside me at any given time that I Have trouble just sitting and pulling back without my mind being entertained to the possibilities.
And, as much as I like people, I also like my downtime when I can meander through my day slowly and with no one pressuring me.
I think maybe the changes of the last three years are just catching up with me. I think perhaps I was so busy running toward what I wanted that I didn't really take the time to process what I was leaving behind. I was aware this was happening, but really felt helpless to stop it. I did what I needed to do and I'm not sorry for my choices. If I hadn't done things exactly as I did I would not be here in this space surrounded by the love of my husband and my new community.
But I still am wistful for the people I once I had. I will miss them...and on one hand I think about "fixing it" On the other hand I don't think I have that ability, or honestly that desire. I did not leave them behind, they left me behind. I thought they were my people, but evidently they belonged to someone else.When I think about this too much I want to cry, so I do my best not to think about it. Even worse is to know that some of those are actually happy that I am now outside the circle. I think the person telling me the story called it "gleeful". I don't know which hurt worse, hearing that people were unhappy at my sadness or having someone I thought was close tell me about it, because if she had been on my side she would have stuck up for me or at least not desired to hurt me further.
Yesterday was trying....last year we befriended a girl from church. (this is a long, long story that I won't go back into) and her mom turned out not to be a stellar person. Along with the girl's best friend's mom, we took care of her and took her riding and just generally took her under our wing. I began to be suspicious that there was a lot of bad stuff happening in the home. This caused the relationship to be banished by mom until she needed us again. Then this summer she went really nuts and banished the best friend's mom too. Now she is ranting and raving about how we have brought a killer to her doorstep because of my investigations (Honestly, all I did was google her--it wasn't a big deal) She believes that the "killers from her past" can find her because I googled her. This lady is nuts. She pulled her kid out of school and isolated her because the principle was asking her to be responsible and pick her up off the bus or send someone else. Now she says she's going to run. She recently went to jail for forgery and she's trying to say it's because of an animal welfare case because she is a "well known" advocate for animals. She says she's going to prosecute me for false CPS reporting. (good luck with that). I worry about the kid so much. I wish there was something I could do to help her. I wish that CPS would see that she isn't a fit mother.
After my funk of the summer I am finally getting back to a happier place. I no longer hate my job. I find peace in the routine of it and comfort in the regular paycheck. I still feel over tired and and over programmed even though that is an illusion since I don't do much outside of work currently. I would like about a week of days to just rest and relax. I know that the pressure I put on myself is just me. Mike treats me like a queen. It is me that can't seem to be still. I haven't been sleeping either and that's driving me nuts. I really need and like my sleep. But I know I'm on the mend emotionally because I'm thinking about the crafting I want to do and how I want to start sewing again once I get our new office space set up. I think the inertia and the heat of the summer really got to me.
At the end of this week Maggie starts a new adventure. She is going to Colorado to work for a friend of ours in her vet clinic. She will start in the office and then eventually get to learn vet tech type stuff. They aren't sure what the end game will be. They are waiting to see what her skill set is. I'm really excited for her but I will miss her.
