Monday, June 26, 2017

I made it through the rain

Lyrics

We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive

We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives

Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it thought the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel afraid

Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade

'Cause when I chase my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it thought the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it thought the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
And made it through
And made it through

Love this Barry Manilow song. It reflects my thoughts and feelings today   I am in  the sun 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Reflection

I have had an interesting weekend. I returned to my old home this weekend to visit. I was reminded what it was like to live here and how much I love it. I was able to fondly think about how much I loved living here. It  was strange to be a guest in what was my home for 15 months. I had really thought I'd live here forever and probably would have if it had not been for finding Michael  

We went to a gun education weekend and it was great. I have been pretty uncomfortable about shooting and now I feel much better. I shot yesterday and I think I did ok. I didn't shoot today because I have a terrible headache. I have been shooting a Walther PPS 9 mm. I am really grateful to Mike's brother for loaning me a gun to use. Mike's gun is really too big heavy and large for my hands. 

I have moved forward over the weekend spending time with these good friends. I have been sad for people of the past and I think I have moved forward and finally ceased to care so much about my old life. I don't know why some of these friendships have fallen away but I am done trying to fix it. I didn't do anything to these people. There is no reason for them to have left behind. No matter what is said or thought I didn't cause this to happen. I have some theories about why and who happened but it's just not important anymore. I know that I am a good person and I'm finished apologizing and trying to fix something I didn't cause. It is a relief to have this off my shoulders and heart. 

Life is good. I am blessed and happy every day. God gave me the best life and I'm so happy to be living the life I have. 

I'm trying to sell my trailer. I am going to upgrade to something bigger for is to both be comfortable together. If anyone is looking it's a 1997 sundowner sunlite. I want 10000 firm. It's really nice and perfect for someone to start with. 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Happy and Sad

I find myself sad when I should be joyful. I have everything I have ever wanted. I live in the country, my husband rides with me. We have horses. I work enough but not too much. I have grown content with my life with Mike as my best friend and husband. I am missing having girlfriends though. I try really hard to just be happy coming home and spending my quiet evenings but I find myself periodically lonely and sad for girls to hang out with. 

I have made friends here but for many reasons we don't 'go Out'. Partly it is because of schedules. One is a newly wed with a strange work schedule. One is just kind of a homebody like me. Others are too young or too busy with kids or business. Like me, we get in our peaceful rut and just don't do stuff outside of home. I really am pretty much ok with this, in general. 

I have a fun packed weekend ahead. I am looking forward to it. However I still manage to stick my foot in my mouth. I want to just be accepted for who I am. I don't want to pretend. I want other friends like I am with my closest people. I am missing that girlfriend connection from my younger days. I suspect that what I want doesn't really exist in this world today. I am so grateful to have Michael but sometimes I miss having 'dinner and drinking' buddies. 

I have been feeling like this even in my riding groups lately. I don't know if I have lost my drive to compete because my life has changed so much or what is going on. Michael and I love to ride but I find myself wanting to have more laid back days. 

I have goals for the future. I want a little bigger trailer so we can travel more comfortably. I want to spend more time with Mike and just enjoy life. 

So with all this great stuff I have no room to be melancholy. I think that life is just hard and that some people are just mean. I think that when you are kind some people take advantage. I wish I could learn to protect my heart more.