Missing people with whom I was friends and no longer talk to. Makes me sad to think that I have done things and things have been said to separate us. It’s not just my fault. It took both people in the relationship to get us where we are now. I know that these relationships probably can’t be repaired. This season of renewal I’m letting the bitterness and resentment go. I can’t get the other folks to repair the relationship. I can hope that with time we can all forgive each other. Or if not we can be polite and move in our own circles.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Jesus is our Savior
"for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."
Luke 2:11 NASB
- Jesus saves us from our sin. He does not save us in our sin.
- He went to the cross so he could save us from our sin
- He is not mad at us. He is mad about us.
- We often won’t forgive ourselves so we can not believe that Jesus forgives us. Pride stops us from from forgiving myself. (Personal note--I think maybe I have finally learned how to do this. )
The second gift is peace.
- "Those who love Your law have great peace, And nothing causes them to stumble."Psalms 119:165 NASB.
- Jesus is the Prince of peace. "Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!". 2 Thessalonians 3:16 NASB.
- Three things that steal my peace. Guilt and grief and grudges will put me in my home made grave. (Personal Note...grudges can be hard. I will feel like I have given up a grudge and then I, reminded of it again. I am making an effort to give up the anger I have been feeling from the summer and let go of the hurt.). These three things turn into resentment. (Personal Note...yup I recently wrote a letter to provide some closure for myself and while I’m happy to have it behind me but I need to let go of the anger and resentment. I like to talk these things out and I realize that not everyone does. A lot of people just like to let it go ).
- "Peter said to them, "Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." Acts 2:38 NASB
Sunday, December 16, 2018
Secrets of the right path (psalm 23) sermon notes from Sunday
A. Who do I let in my life.
- Some people will just be in my life because we share DNA. be around people who have s teachable spirit and can teach us.
- If they discourage you and speak death into your life banish them from your life.
- We should be around people who minister to us who we can minister to.
B. Make sure you know who to honor
- Every sin in our life deals with honor or lack of honor in our life.
- Am I submitting myself to the authority of God’s word.
- Am I going to honor my spouse ?
- Romans 12:2 "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."
- Speak what you expect
- Stay away from negaholics.
- Luke 6:45 "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart."
- Matthew 15:19-20 "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.""
- Put it in your mind and heart that we are going to do the very best job we can at whatever we do.
- Don’t get In a hurry.
- "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Psalms 32:8 NASB
- If you have the spirit of disruption you should settle down so that God had time to work on us and give us peace
- Never make a decision without a Godly counsel.
- Where there is no counsel people fall proverbs 11:14
- Psalm 1:1. "How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!"
- Watch God bless you so you can stay on the right trail.
Monday, December 3, 2018
Back to work
Michael and I had a bout of illness that laid us up for 2 weeks. I don't think I have ever taken 2 straight weeks off in my adult life and certainly not for an illness since I have been a grown. It was as bad as when I had mono as a senior in HS. Today I finally ventured out into public and started trying to be among the living again. We missed the Christmas ride this past weekend because we were sick. I don't think that I ever missed a Christmas ride. It was sad.
I know that I am spending too much time thinking about the past. I have things I want to fix, but yet I don't want to apologize for them. I want to be apologized to. I want others to take responsibility. In the end no one takes responsibility and we all remain silent. I have written some heart felt letters to some people...don't know if I will send them. On one hand I think about being honest and clearing the air and maybe finding my way back to some friends. On the other hand, I feel like I will be the only one taking responsibility and then I will get angry, even if I don't say so. In the end things don't change.
I like closure but I'm finding other people don't. I don't know how to find closure without communication. I don't know how to get other people to communicate and talk even if it means having an argument. I'm ok with tears being shed and voices being raised to get to a point where a solution is reached. So many people would rather just forget and walk away. I don't know how to trust again without clearing the air. I don't know how to mend a friendship when I know other people have been meddling and those people are dishonest pot stirrers.
Someone recently said to me if you have one loyal friend in your life then you're doing pretty good. I thought this was a sad state of affairs that we may only have one person that we can really trust in our lives. I thought how happy I am to have that person in Michael, but it makes me sad when I think about all the people I have always thought were my loyal peeps and then found out they weren't...hence the letters I have written that I don't know if I will mail or not.
I am grateful to the people I have in my life to whom I am loyal and are loyal to me. I am sad this Christmas season to be missing the people left behind. The branches and twigs who have fallen away.
I know that I am spending too much time thinking about the past. I have things I want to fix, but yet I don't want to apologize for them. I want to be apologized to. I want others to take responsibility. In the end no one takes responsibility and we all remain silent. I have written some heart felt letters to some people...don't know if I will send them. On one hand I think about being honest and clearing the air and maybe finding my way back to some friends. On the other hand, I feel like I will be the only one taking responsibility and then I will get angry, even if I don't say so. In the end things don't change.
I like closure but I'm finding other people don't. I don't know how to find closure without communication. I don't know how to get other people to communicate and talk even if it means having an argument. I'm ok with tears being shed and voices being raised to get to a point where a solution is reached. So many people would rather just forget and walk away. I don't know how to trust again without clearing the air. I don't know how to mend a friendship when I know other people have been meddling and those people are dishonest pot stirrers.
Someone recently said to me if you have one loyal friend in your life then you're doing pretty good. I thought this was a sad state of affairs that we may only have one person that we can really trust in our lives. I thought how happy I am to have that person in Michael, but it makes me sad when I think about all the people I have always thought were my loyal peeps and then found out they weren't...hence the letters I have written that I don't know if I will mail or not.
I am grateful to the people I have in my life to whom I am loyal and are loyal to me. I am sad this Christmas season to be missing the people left behind. The branches and twigs who have fallen away.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
Hustling for our worth versus knowing our value.
Paraphrased quote from Dare to Lead by Brene Brown.
When People do not understand where they are strong and where they deliver value to an organization they tend to hustle. This is not the good kind. This is the kind that hard to be around. They tend to help in ways that are not needed or where we are not strong, just to prove that they deserve a seat at the table. when we do not understand our value we tend to exaggerate our worst traits in ways that are not helpful. Or we unconsciously seek attention or validation of importance. It makes being right more important than getting it right. It creates franticness instead of calm cooperation.
In daring leadership instead of hustling, we know our value.
I wrote this quote down the other day when I was driving between clients (Ok, I pulled over to write it down, I didn't actually write it down while I was driving) The quote hit me profoundly because I realized how often I have done this. I'm like that mole that keeps popping up in different holes trying to show people how awesome I am, but no one sees my effort, just the dirt I left behind.
I also think of my dog Lacie, who was good at tricks. I was trying to teach Willie, the dachshund a trick, but he wasn't getting it...behind him, Lacie was rolling around the kitchen doing the roll over trick...She was showing me that I didn't need Willie because I had her. I have done this with people. I have tried to be everything to everyone, which of course I can't be. I am learning that I am not a good leader. I'm a great second. I'm a great brain stormer and developer, but the being in charge and motivating others to do what I want is something I have not been good at in the past.
In her book, Brene says that Clarity is Kindness, so even if it seems mean up front, it is always more appropriate to speak plainly but kindly, than to be vague. Unclear is Unkind. I am adopting this point of view myself, but I have no way of getting other people to be clear with me. I have decided that I have to quit worrying about what others are thinking that they aren't saying. One quote that I heard recently was that what other people think of me is none of my business. I like that. It's hard not to care, not to find out or not to worry, but the rewards at the end of the day are great. All that stress and worry taken off my shoulders.
I still find myself thinking about the relationships I lost recently, but I have come to accept that it is ok. I wish I could still be close to them. But...I have new friends, new responsibilities. I also realize that I don't "need" those people to be or feel whole. I don't want to be someone's pity friend...I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I stand by my assertion that I would rather know the truth about a relationship than to believe that I am closer to someone than I am. In the long run it's less upsetting to realize who your allies are all the time.
Honestly, I'm learning that life is an a game of Survivor and I'm not very good at it.
I am in KC this weekend at the board meeting for NATRC. This is a pivotal meeting. I'm wishing that I could be riding, but here it's 14 degrees so I'm glad I'm inside.
When People do not understand where they are strong and where they deliver value to an organization they tend to hustle. This is not the good kind. This is the kind that hard to be around. They tend to help in ways that are not needed or where we are not strong, just to prove that they deserve a seat at the table. when we do not understand our value we tend to exaggerate our worst traits in ways that are not helpful. Or we unconsciously seek attention or validation of importance. It makes being right more important than getting it right. It creates franticness instead of calm cooperation.
In daring leadership instead of hustling, we know our value.
I wrote this quote down the other day when I was driving between clients (Ok, I pulled over to write it down, I didn't actually write it down while I was driving) The quote hit me profoundly because I realized how often I have done this. I'm like that mole that keeps popping up in different holes trying to show people how awesome I am, but no one sees my effort, just the dirt I left behind.
I also think of my dog Lacie, who was good at tricks. I was trying to teach Willie, the dachshund a trick, but he wasn't getting it...behind him, Lacie was rolling around the kitchen doing the roll over trick...She was showing me that I didn't need Willie because I had her. I have done this with people. I have tried to be everything to everyone, which of course I can't be. I am learning that I am not a good leader. I'm a great second. I'm a great brain stormer and developer, but the being in charge and motivating others to do what I want is something I have not been good at in the past.
In her book, Brene says that Clarity is Kindness, so even if it seems mean up front, it is always more appropriate to speak plainly but kindly, than to be vague. Unclear is Unkind. I am adopting this point of view myself, but I have no way of getting other people to be clear with me. I have decided that I have to quit worrying about what others are thinking that they aren't saying. One quote that I heard recently was that what other people think of me is none of my business. I like that. It's hard not to care, not to find out or not to worry, but the rewards at the end of the day are great. All that stress and worry taken off my shoulders.
I still find myself thinking about the relationships I lost recently, but I have come to accept that it is ok. I wish I could still be close to them. But...I have new friends, new responsibilities. I also realize that I don't "need" those people to be or feel whole. I don't want to be someone's pity friend...I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I stand by my assertion that I would rather know the truth about a relationship than to believe that I am closer to someone than I am. In the long run it's less upsetting to realize who your allies are all the time.
Honestly, I'm learning that life is an a game of Survivor and I'm not very good at it.
I am in KC this weekend at the board meeting for NATRC. This is a pivotal meeting. I'm wishing that I could be riding, but here it's 14 degrees so I'm glad I'm inside.
Wednesday, October 10, 2018
On being a bully
As anyone who reads this and I’ve been having a crisis of spirit lately. I was called a bully or at the very least I was told that I bully my way into situations where I am not wanted.I have been thinking about all the situation and include the person who said this and I can totally see it from her perspective. But, the reason I was "bullying" was frequently because of dishonesty on the part of the other person. This has happened with more than one person so I know that it is in part because of my inability to read social cues accurately.
When someone gives me an excuse or a weak, in my opinion, reason for doing or not doing something I become a problem solver. I see those as obstacles be overcome more than I think about them as reasons a person does not want to do something with me. I have never thought about this as being a bully more than I have thought about it wanting to accomplish my goal. I personally feel like in today’s world people remain completely superficial and unwilling to open up their hearts and minds. So a ‘soft’ no is really a no not an obstacle and I definitely don’t always see that. People do not like honesty anymore. They want to hear half truths or excuses because truths are painful. I know that in this situation I have learned a lot about honesty and dishonesty. I have observed how mistakes are made when people do not communicate clearly. I can look back and see now how my behavior was interpreted even though it was never my intention.
This is a long reaching looking to the past. I think about all the times people have a sered me dishonestly or canceled last minute BC they never intended to follow through. I think about being told they don’t want to do a certain thing only to figure out it was me they didn’t want to do it with. I think about all the people who have been nasty behind my back but how I extended grace and played dumb anyway.
There is no way for me to change any of it, but only to take the knowledge and move forward. I also know that because of the situation I am way less likely to reach out in the future. I’m more likely to try less hard to connect with people. I am also more likely to be more sensitive and honest with people I am dealing with.
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Losing Faith
I have gained great faith in God but lost a lot of faith in people. I find that I no longer feel like I have any idea how people are going to react or behave. I find that people are so sensitive over things I think they shouldn't be...but then again I have my own sensitivity as well. So, even in my disappointment and disillusionment I do still have the ability to look at it from both sides.
I have gotten to a point where I'm not convinced I like facebook very much at all. Seems like people are overly sensitive about what they see or hear and instead of asking questions, like they would if they were in person, they attack. People post cute horse photos and get harassed for something someone doesn’t like.
I have gotten to a point where I'm not convinced I like facebook very much at all. Seems like people are overly sensitive about what they see or hear and instead of asking questions, like they would if they were in person, they attack. People post cute horse photos and get harassed for something someone doesn’t like.
It seems like people don’t want honesty. There are no more emotional dialogs between people anymore. I am often sad when people are honest with me but typically I already know the truths. I know who I am. I know the good and the bad and the part of me that is not loved or welcome. If I am going to honestly share my feelings then I have to ready to hear honesty from others. That really is the hard part...hearing when other people are angry or hurt and then having to live with the hurt I caused. I feel that hurt profoundly and I don’t like it.
Then there is the feeling that you had friends that you trust. But then you find out they don’t hold your interests at heart.
And then there is thinking that you are over it and don’t hurt anymore but find that you do. Sometimes I feel like I’m the last person on earth to understand other people.
Today I feel sad. I thought I was on the back side of it but grief sometimes smacks you upside the back of your head. I’m sure the rain and my inability to focus on other things doesn’t help. There are so many people out there with so much worse going on than the trivial sadness of my day. It’s kind of s crying day.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Waxing poetic
When I was a teenager I used to write a little poetry and a little prose. I used to write stories with my friends. I felt like I was really good with words and I loved to express myself in words. I still do, but often they stay trapped inside my head instead of getting out on paper where I want them to be. Sometimes I feel like if I don't take the time to journal I will never get that jumble of thoughts out to make sense of my life.
I find myself wondering how my life got so complicated. I live in this tiny town and I am loving ever moment of it. I find myself wanting to go back to my hermiting ways of when I first moved here. I am a people person by nature, but I find that my people loving ways are what get me into the most trouble. I find myself wanting to be included, wanting to help out, but I lack many of the social skills I need to do so properly. I don't read people the way I want to be able to read them. More exactly, I read them exactly how they intend to be read and the vibes I get make me so uncomfortable that I blunder. I am a bull in the china shop of emotions. I have so many things happening inside me at any given time that I Have trouble just sitting and pulling back without my mind being entertained to the possibilities.
And, as much as I like people, I also like my downtime when I can meander through my day slowly and with no one pressuring me.
I think maybe the changes of the last three years are just catching up with me. I think perhaps I was so busy running toward what I wanted that I didn't really take the time to process what I was leaving behind. I was aware this was happening, but really felt helpless to stop it. I did what I needed to do and I'm not sorry for my choices. If I hadn't done things exactly as I did I would not be here in this space surrounded by the love of my husband and my new community.
But I still am wistful for the people I once I had. I will miss them...and on one hand I think about "fixing it" On the other hand I don't think I have that ability, or honestly that desire. I did not leave them behind, they left me behind. I thought they were my people, but evidently they belonged to someone else.When I think about this too much I want to cry, so I do my best not to think about it. Even worse is to know that some of those are actually happy that I am now outside the circle. I think the person telling me the story called it "gleeful". I don't know which hurt worse, hearing that people were unhappy at my sadness or having someone I thought was close tell me about it, because if she had been on my side she would have stuck up for me or at least not desired to hurt me further.
Yesterday was trying....last year we befriended a girl from church. (this is a long, long story that I won't go back into) and her mom turned out not to be a stellar person. Along with the girl's best friend's mom, we took care of her and took her riding and just generally took her under our wing. I began to be suspicious that there was a lot of bad stuff happening in the home. This caused the relationship to be banished by mom until she needed us again. Then this summer she went really nuts and banished the best friend's mom too. Now she is ranting and raving about how we have brought a killer to her doorstep because of my investigations (Honestly, all I did was google her--it wasn't a big deal) She believes that the "killers from her past" can find her because I googled her. This lady is nuts. She pulled her kid out of school and isolated her because the principle was asking her to be responsible and pick her up off the bus or send someone else. Now she says she's going to run. She recently went to jail for forgery and she's trying to say it's because of an animal welfare case because she is a "well known" advocate for animals. She says she's going to prosecute me for false CPS reporting. (good luck with that). I worry about the kid so much. I wish there was something I could do to help her. I wish that CPS would see that she isn't a fit mother.
After my funk of the summer I am finally getting back to a happier place. I no longer hate my job. I find peace in the routine of it and comfort in the regular paycheck. I still feel over tired and and over programmed even though that is an illusion since I don't do much outside of work currently. I would like about a week of days to just rest and relax. I know that the pressure I put on myself is just me. Mike treats me like a queen. It is me that can't seem to be still. I haven't been sleeping either and that's driving me nuts. I really need and like my sleep. But I know I'm on the mend emotionally because I'm thinking about the crafting I want to do and how I want to start sewing again once I get our new office space set up. I think the inertia and the heat of the summer really got to me.
At the end of this week Maggie starts a new adventure. She is going to Colorado to work for a friend of ours in her vet clinic. She will start in the office and then eventually get to learn vet tech type stuff. They aren't sure what the end game will be. They are waiting to see what her skill set is. I'm really excited for her but I will miss her.
I find myself wondering how my life got so complicated. I live in this tiny town and I am loving ever moment of it. I find myself wanting to go back to my hermiting ways of when I first moved here. I am a people person by nature, but I find that my people loving ways are what get me into the most trouble. I find myself wanting to be included, wanting to help out, but I lack many of the social skills I need to do so properly. I don't read people the way I want to be able to read them. More exactly, I read them exactly how they intend to be read and the vibes I get make me so uncomfortable that I blunder. I am a bull in the china shop of emotions. I have so many things happening inside me at any given time that I Have trouble just sitting and pulling back without my mind being entertained to the possibilities.
And, as much as I like people, I also like my downtime when I can meander through my day slowly and with no one pressuring me.
I think maybe the changes of the last three years are just catching up with me. I think perhaps I was so busy running toward what I wanted that I didn't really take the time to process what I was leaving behind. I was aware this was happening, but really felt helpless to stop it. I did what I needed to do and I'm not sorry for my choices. If I hadn't done things exactly as I did I would not be here in this space surrounded by the love of my husband and my new community.
But I still am wistful for the people I once I had. I will miss them...and on one hand I think about "fixing it" On the other hand I don't think I have that ability, or honestly that desire. I did not leave them behind, they left me behind. I thought they were my people, but evidently they belonged to someone else.When I think about this too much I want to cry, so I do my best not to think about it. Even worse is to know that some of those are actually happy that I am now outside the circle. I think the person telling me the story called it "gleeful". I don't know which hurt worse, hearing that people were unhappy at my sadness or having someone I thought was close tell me about it, because if she had been on my side she would have stuck up for me or at least not desired to hurt me further.
Yesterday was trying....last year we befriended a girl from church. (this is a long, long story that I won't go back into) and her mom turned out not to be a stellar person. Along with the girl's best friend's mom, we took care of her and took her riding and just generally took her under our wing. I began to be suspicious that there was a lot of bad stuff happening in the home. This caused the relationship to be banished by mom until she needed us again. Then this summer she went really nuts and banished the best friend's mom too. Now she is ranting and raving about how we have brought a killer to her doorstep because of my investigations (Honestly, all I did was google her--it wasn't a big deal) She believes that the "killers from her past" can find her because I googled her. This lady is nuts. She pulled her kid out of school and isolated her because the principle was asking her to be responsible and pick her up off the bus or send someone else. Now she says she's going to run. She recently went to jail for forgery and she's trying to say it's because of an animal welfare case because she is a "well known" advocate for animals. She says she's going to prosecute me for false CPS reporting. (good luck with that). I worry about the kid so much. I wish there was something I could do to help her. I wish that CPS would see that she isn't a fit mother.
After my funk of the summer I am finally getting back to a happier place. I no longer hate my job. I find peace in the routine of it and comfort in the regular paycheck. I still feel over tired and and over programmed even though that is an illusion since I don't do much outside of work currently. I would like about a week of days to just rest and relax. I know that the pressure I put on myself is just me. Mike treats me like a queen. It is me that can't seem to be still. I haven't been sleeping either and that's driving me nuts. I really need and like my sleep. But I know I'm on the mend emotionally because I'm thinking about the crafting I want to do and how I want to start sewing again once I get our new office space set up. I think the inertia and the heat of the summer really got to me.
At the end of this week Maggie starts a new adventure. She is going to Colorado to work for a friend of ours in her vet clinic. She will start in the office and then eventually get to learn vet tech type stuff. They aren't sure what the end game will be. They are waiting to see what her skill set is. I'm really excited for her but I will miss her.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Lessons I’ve learned
I do most of my best thinking when I’m driving. These are some of the things I’m thinking about.
- Just because I am nice to you does not mean that you were going to like me or be nice to me back. This has been a long hard lesson. Most of my life I have thought if I was kind and courteous that would automatically make somebody else kind and courteous. Not true
- Because everyone speaks a different love language the way I express kindness and love to you may not be perceived as love by you. Sometimes when I am doing my best to be kind and helpful other people just perceive it as annoying.
- If you find that I am annoying but yet you don’t talk to me about it I can’t fix it. It may be that I choose not to fix it but I have no opportunity to grow or continue our relationship if you don’t communicate with me honestly. That said I know sometimes there are people that we just don’t like and that we prefer not to have to communicate with them at all. As painful as it is initially I still personally prefer just to know how things stand.
- Even though it is painful I prefer for people to be honest. Then I know how things are and I can quit embarrassing myself by putting my head up against a wall or attempting to have a relationship with that has no interest in having a relationship with me.
- Sometimes the people that you thought would be your best friends forever let you down. That is when it’s time to move forward make new friends and not look back.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Three types of people: Leaves, Branches and Roots
A friend sent this to me today. It sums up beautifully what I have been thinking about the last few weeks.
Are you a Leaf, a Branch, or a Root?
I hope I am a root for people. I know that I have a few roots in my life, but recently have discovered more leaves and branches than I knew I had previously in my world. But I also have some new roots growing and extending as I enter a new phase of my life.
I'm not sure why I thought that I could change and my people (branches and leaves) would change with me. I think it's because I'm loyal and I expected the same loyalty. I call it my Reverse Golden Rule: If I'm nice to you then you'll be nice to me. And that's no how it works. I certainly found out that when I truly got in touch with my real feelings and spoke my mind that the leaves and branches went crashing down.
My study of the Enneagram continues with curiosity. I have been listening/reading a book called The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile. It is a book about relationships between the types. When I read The Road Back to You by Suzanne Stabile and Ian Morgan Crohn, I thought I was a 2 (the helper, befriender) by his test. However, last night I took a different test that said my top three types were The Achiever, The Enthusiast, and The Individualist which is 3, 7 and 4 respectively. Especially in the 3 and the 7 I can see it, so I find myself wondering if I'm a 3 with a 2 wing or a 3 with a 4 wing. I find myself wondering if I'm so Individual that I can morph into whatever type of person I need to be. I am starting to realize that either I have changed from the Helper, or I'm just tired of having branches fall off, so I'm choosing to put myself out there less. I do believe this is the answer. And this is a good thing. Used to be when I was on the road I was constantly wanting to talk to people on the phone. Now I find that I listen to my books, or tv shows or podcasts and enjoy that time alone in the car. When I come home I'm relishing in my time alone...much to the chagrin of Michael who really doesn't enjoy his time alone near as much as I do.
I feel like I'm in a time of discovery and I'm going to enjoy the ride.
Are you a Leaf, a Branch, or a Root?
I hope I am a root for people. I know that I have a few roots in my life, but recently have discovered more leaves and branches than I knew I had previously in my world. But I also have some new roots growing and extending as I enter a new phase of my life.
I'm not sure why I thought that I could change and my people (branches and leaves) would change with me. I think it's because I'm loyal and I expected the same loyalty. I call it my Reverse Golden Rule: If I'm nice to you then you'll be nice to me. And that's no how it works. I certainly found out that when I truly got in touch with my real feelings and spoke my mind that the leaves and branches went crashing down.
My study of the Enneagram continues with curiosity. I have been listening/reading a book called The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile. It is a book about relationships between the types. When I read The Road Back to You by Suzanne Stabile and Ian Morgan Crohn, I thought I was a 2 (the helper, befriender) by his test. However, last night I took a different test that said my top three types were The Achiever, The Enthusiast, and The Individualist which is 3, 7 and 4 respectively. Especially in the 3 and the 7 I can see it, so I find myself wondering if I'm a 3 with a 2 wing or a 3 with a 4 wing. I find myself wondering if I'm so Individual that I can morph into whatever type of person I need to be. I am starting to realize that either I have changed from the Helper, or I'm just tired of having branches fall off, so I'm choosing to put myself out there less. I do believe this is the answer. And this is a good thing. Used to be when I was on the road I was constantly wanting to talk to people on the phone. Now I find that I listen to my books, or tv shows or podcasts and enjoy that time alone in the car. When I come home I'm relishing in my time alone...much to the chagrin of Michael who really doesn't enjoy his time alone near as much as I do.
I feel like I'm in a time of discovery and I'm going to enjoy the ride.
Monday, August 20, 2018
Just wow...life goes on
I am a lot of things, but mean isn't one of them. I know that not everyone is going to be my friend, but I usually try to be friendly and if I have not been friendly or if I Have hurt someone's feelings, I typically try to fix it. And, usually after someone tells me I have done wrong by them I go introspective and apologize even when it's not my fault. I have had a pattern of doing this for years and years. As a child I learned it was easier to apologize and take the blame because I always got in more trouble for "not admitting I was wrong" than I ever did for whatever I had supposedly done wrong. Most of the time it wasn't even me that did the wrong thing, but unless I wanted to be grounded for weeks, it was just easier to go along.
I have tried to fix broken relationships even when I'm not the one who broke them. I was unhappily married for about 7-8 years out of 15 and even though my friends told me to leave I stuck with it for a long time. (ok yes we could have a long discussion here about how an unhappy marriage takes two to create and fix, but that is not the topic of this post...as Alton Brown would say, that's another show) I have found out after the fact that people were angry with me or never did really like me, or friends I thought were dear were bashing me behind my back and then I would go and try to fix it. I know part of it was b/c the people doing the bashing are not honest people and they don't admit to their behavior. I have even go so far as to cover up the bad behavior of others just to keep the peace because I wanted to stay inside the circle of approval.
But not this time. I am so done with being the one blamed for stuff. I mean, I can't stop the people from blaming, but I am done taking the blame when it's not mine to shoulder. I am finished apologizing for standing up for myself even if it goes south.
I have long admired people who were able to get what they wanted and not have words said about themselves behind their backs. Sadly I am never going to be one of those people. I have tried to figure out what it is about me that makes people feel free to say rude things to my face, on facebook, in public or in private. I have decided it's time to quit wondering and just stop worrying about those people. I'm an adult and I need to act like an adult and not cave into my "I feel like a child when certain people talk to me" mentality. I am a person of value with feelings that deserve to be honored. I have finally realized that the past needs to go there and the future needs to be different.
I have also come to realize that God's grace is the only grace I need and that people can't be counted on for grace. People are ready to blame whenever things go wrong. They like a good fight. There is always someone ready to take another person down. I am easily taken down because I tend not to hide in the shadows...or I haven't been. I notice in myself that I'm less public in the last two years and that has made me much happier. I read more books than facebook. I talk to more people than electronics. If I didn't have so many social media things I follow for work I would probably disengage from facebook entirely. I'm tired of the meanness out there. I'm tired of wasting my time reading stuff that doesn't matter. But I also realize that it's the only way to stay in touch with people in many cases.
I have seen a big change in myself in the last year. I used to really get upset and worry about people when I knew they were upset with me. I used to want to fix it. Now I cry and I mourn and then I move on. Sometimes I cry for a long time, but I'm learning that the mean behavior isn't what I want to be a part of anymore. I have made new friends and kept some old friends. I have kept the old friends, who like me, really want to stay out of the fray. I have kept the old friends with whom I share the same values. I have made new friends who share similar values.
This post isn't born out of any one incident. It's more a collection of incidents that have built up and finally encouraged me to move forward. I am a unique person. I am fun loving and I love to be around other people who love horses too. I can not be responsible for shielding others from their own bad behavior and making excuses. If you cut me, I will not roll over and pretend that it didn't happen. I will not try to cut you back, but I'm not going to lie about how you harmed me first. I can be honest and move forward and hope that you can take responsibility for your own actions.
I find myself wondering why I have stuck with these folks for so long. I think that pre-Michael they were my source of community and friendship and I felt like I needed them. Now, not so much. I realized recently that while I was busy defending people and sticking up for them that no one ever stuck up for me.
And I still wonder how some people get to be that person who is never looked on negatively no matter what they do. It must be a nice place to be.
I have tried to fix broken relationships even when I'm not the one who broke them. I was unhappily married for about 7-8 years out of 15 and even though my friends told me to leave I stuck with it for a long time. (ok yes we could have a long discussion here about how an unhappy marriage takes two to create and fix, but that is not the topic of this post...as Alton Brown would say, that's another show) I have found out after the fact that people were angry with me or never did really like me, or friends I thought were dear were bashing me behind my back and then I would go and try to fix it. I know part of it was b/c the people doing the bashing are not honest people and they don't admit to their behavior. I have even go so far as to cover up the bad behavior of others just to keep the peace because I wanted to stay inside the circle of approval.
But not this time. I am so done with being the one blamed for stuff. I mean, I can't stop the people from blaming, but I am done taking the blame when it's not mine to shoulder. I am finished apologizing for standing up for myself even if it goes south.
I have long admired people who were able to get what they wanted and not have words said about themselves behind their backs. Sadly I am never going to be one of those people. I have tried to figure out what it is about me that makes people feel free to say rude things to my face, on facebook, in public or in private. I have decided it's time to quit wondering and just stop worrying about those people. I'm an adult and I need to act like an adult and not cave into my "I feel like a child when certain people talk to me" mentality. I am a person of value with feelings that deserve to be honored. I have finally realized that the past needs to go there and the future needs to be different.
I have also come to realize that God's grace is the only grace I need and that people can't be counted on for grace. People are ready to blame whenever things go wrong. They like a good fight. There is always someone ready to take another person down. I am easily taken down because I tend not to hide in the shadows...or I haven't been. I notice in myself that I'm less public in the last two years and that has made me much happier. I read more books than facebook. I talk to more people than electronics. If I didn't have so many social media things I follow for work I would probably disengage from facebook entirely. I'm tired of the meanness out there. I'm tired of wasting my time reading stuff that doesn't matter. But I also realize that it's the only way to stay in touch with people in many cases.
I have seen a big change in myself in the last year. I used to really get upset and worry about people when I knew they were upset with me. I used to want to fix it. Now I cry and I mourn and then I move on. Sometimes I cry for a long time, but I'm learning that the mean behavior isn't what I want to be a part of anymore. I have made new friends and kept some old friends. I have kept the old friends, who like me, really want to stay out of the fray. I have kept the old friends with whom I share the same values. I have made new friends who share similar values.
This post isn't born out of any one incident. It's more a collection of incidents that have built up and finally encouraged me to move forward. I am a unique person. I am fun loving and I love to be around other people who love horses too. I can not be responsible for shielding others from their own bad behavior and making excuses. If you cut me, I will not roll over and pretend that it didn't happen. I will not try to cut you back, but I'm not going to lie about how you harmed me first. I can be honest and move forward and hope that you can take responsibility for your own actions.
I find myself wondering why I have stuck with these folks for so long. I think that pre-Michael they were my source of community and friendship and I felt like I needed them. Now, not so much. I realized recently that while I was busy defending people and sticking up for them that no one ever stuck up for me.
And I still wonder how some people get to be that person who is never looked on negatively no matter what they do. It must be a nice place to be.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Four w’s. Sermon notes
Wowed...when we are rescued we are part of the kingdom of the Lord. We realize that we are separated from God by our sin and we are now rescued by Christ. We would have been separated from God for an eternity if we had not accepted Christ
Worship. We gather together to worship together.
Witness. Have passion about our witness. When was the last time we shared our faith with a nonbeliever?
War...we are building the kingdom.
"And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-Jonah: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father who is in heaven. And I also say unto thee, that thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of Hades shall not prevail against it."
Matthew 16:17-18 ASV
"And Paul and Barnabas spake out boldly, and said, It was necessary that the word of God should first be spoken to you. Seeing ye thrust it from you, and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, lo, we turn to the Gentiles."
Acts 13:46 ASV
Many of us may not be part of the four w's because we have been hurt by someone in that church. They are living with hurt.
Many of us are living with hurt or divorce or a rebellious child. Maybe we are living with addiction.
Sometimes we have decided we feel or are unworthy because of the behavior of others.
"He cried aloud, and said thus, Hew down the tree, and cut off its branches, shake off its leaves, and scatter its fruit: let the beasts get away from under it, and the fowls from its branches. Nevertheless leave the stump of its roots in the earth, even with a band of iron and brass, in the tender grass of the field; and let it be wet with the dew of heaven: and let his portion be with the beasts in the grass of the earth: let his heart be changed from man's, and let a beast's heart be given unto him; and let seven times pass over him."
Daniel 4:14-16 ASV
God is not just the God of what you've lost. He is the God of what we have left.
This is a huge lesson for me today. I have spent the last week and partof the last couple years missing what I have lost and trying to hold on to things I have lost. It is time to rejoice what I have and where I am going. It's time to leave behind the people and things that hurt. It doesn't mean I need to forget how I have been treated. I probably need to make an apology for my behavior when I was hurt. I am still hurt. And I can't completely repent of my behavior which is why I haven't apologized. In the discussion of hurt feelings there was no repentance on the part of the others. And I was told that there was 'glee ' from others over my hurt. That amazes me. I'm sure it's true. I know who I told. And I have a pretty good idea who might be gleeful. Again these people are not my people. I am embarrassed at how long I hung around people who didn't want me around. I also hate that I have to be around these people in the coming weeks. There is no avoiding it.
Our history is. It our destiny with almight God. Quit going back and being a historian specially in our marriages.
Not sure how to not be a historian and let bad feelings go without remembering not to let too much of my heart go at the same time. Sometimes being a historian saves pain. It is hard to let it go because I want those relationships restore. But I found in all this that it's time to go forward. Not everyone is hateful but I need to pick and choose my friends more carefully. I wish I could find a way not to care.
Job still had his voice. Even after he took everything else away. He used everything else. Focus on what was left.
Noah was told to focus on what was left. Noah had 8 people. That was all that was left.
God wants to use what's left. It's because of the way we are living. We are always thinking about the shame in our flaws. Give him glory for what's left.
I'm at war with myself. I want the life I have now. But I also want my friends. Or maybe it's that I want those people to actually be my friend. I want one of those people to stand up for me (not going to happen) I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and not care that I've been ditched. I want to be missed. Just a little. It's not going to happen.
Or at least I'd be surprised if it did.
Monday, August 13, 2018
sense of loss
I start this week with a sense of loss for a life I used to lead. On one hand it's a relief to be freed from the bonds of a life I had outgrown, but on the other hand it still feels very lonely knowing that season of my life is over. I actually have a better life going, so I know I should not be sad, but I feel like I have wasted so much of my life on people who were false. Mostly I am angry and hurt that I was rejected and honestly can't really figure out what the heck happened. I mean, I know what happened, but I have once again been shocked by humans and their cruelty and lack of loyalty. I am torn between raging against the people by whom I feel wronged and calling them out, and the softer, gentler side of me wants to just let it go and move forward.
I suspect that is why I blog here. I am too much of a coward to outwardly tell the people how hurt and angry I am. Part of it is because of saving face and not letting those folks know how much they hurt me. Part of it is because I hate to burn bridges. But I guess that is what they have been doing to me all this time. I have been in central TX almost 2 years and the people I thought I would have friendship with have simply not been there for me. People I stood by in hard times in their lives are not my friends anymore. They deny that it's divorce related, but I suspect, since they still hang out with my ex, that it must be on some level. He has once again managed to take something from me that was mine...my friends. Only, they aren't really his friends either, he is just more useful to them than I am.
When I was unhappily married I was more available to jump whenever someone said jump. I had something to prove because I wanted to make my mark, have someone notice me because I had no attention or validation at home. Now that I am happily married to Michael I don't need the validation, but I miss the community I once had. I loved hanging out with my "friends" at the rides and the pool and just wherever. I realize now that the person I thought was the glue of the group was really just acetone breaking us apart. I was the glue but when the acetone worked it's way between me and those girlfriends it couldn't be rejoined and those people aren't my friends anymore. They don't want to be my friends. They have made it quite clear through so many actions.
This past weekend was an event that I usually attend. I have gone every year but one and I let them know in plenty of time last year I couldn't make it. This year I mistakenly thought I was invited (b/c it's a party by invitation only you know) and I RSVP'd only to be told I wasn't invited. I was shocked b/c I thought these were my people.
Obviously, I now I realize it was a false community. And now I don't want to go back. I mean, I do want to go back, but after being so angry and so hurt and knowing that I was not wanted, I don't want to spend time with these people anymore. For years I have fought for my right to exist in this community and I'm just done. Maybe the CTR side of my life is over and it's just time to ride on the beach or trail ride with friends. I'm not sure, but I find that I am cut to the core over and over by these people. And then when I saw some of the people actually included I was hurt all over again because they are people who aren't nice at all.
I'm a nice person. I include people, I befriend people...If I had been putting on a party and the same mistake had been made on the other side I would have said yes, of course, come on. I would never ever have told someone that they were not invited. I was told I was going to be invited in the second round of invites and that didn't happen either. Michael is hurt for me. He says he doesn't want to go back when he knows we were (or I was--everyone loves Mike) left out.
This feels like the time I tried to plan an epic NY eve party and no one came. Everyone had said they might come, but last minute everyone was busy, or it was too far or they just didn't want to. It makes me realize how rare real friends are and makes me value the true ones all the more.
I have taken this time to think about who I am and where I am going. Obviously, I am not blameless if an entire group has shunned me. But as I think on it, I also don't want to make the changes I would have to make to be included. Those changes would not be true to me.I have grown to realize that I would rather have a handful of close friends than an entire group of false friends. I am proud to be at a place where I can say these things out loud and be honest about my feelings and who I am. I am not willing to jump through hoops to be the person they want or expect me to be. I expect to be liked for who I really am...or not. I have the thing I most need in my life which is Michael who is my husband and best friend.
It turned out to be a good weekend. We were invited over to a friend's house to eat the best steak of my life. We hung out at home and relaxed because it was too muddy to ride. We were able to go to the memorial of a friend who died suddenly from cancer. Those were all important things to do and I'm happy we did them.
Michael is trying so hard to help me quit hurting, but I'm not done mourning yet. It is as though a part of my life has died. A part I really cared about and didn't want to lose. A part I was so excited to get back into because I now live close to people I really loved.It will be ok eventually, but right now I'm really sad.
I suspect that is why I blog here. I am too much of a coward to outwardly tell the people how hurt and angry I am. Part of it is because of saving face and not letting those folks know how much they hurt me. Part of it is because I hate to burn bridges. But I guess that is what they have been doing to me all this time. I have been in central TX almost 2 years and the people I thought I would have friendship with have simply not been there for me. People I stood by in hard times in their lives are not my friends anymore. They deny that it's divorce related, but I suspect, since they still hang out with my ex, that it must be on some level. He has once again managed to take something from me that was mine...my friends. Only, they aren't really his friends either, he is just more useful to them than I am.
When I was unhappily married I was more available to jump whenever someone said jump. I had something to prove because I wanted to make my mark, have someone notice me because I had no attention or validation at home. Now that I am happily married to Michael I don't need the validation, but I miss the community I once had. I loved hanging out with my "friends" at the rides and the pool and just wherever. I realize now that the person I thought was the glue of the group was really just acetone breaking us apart. I was the glue but when the acetone worked it's way between me and those girlfriends it couldn't be rejoined and those people aren't my friends anymore. They don't want to be my friends. They have made it quite clear through so many actions.
This past weekend was an event that I usually attend. I have gone every year but one and I let them know in plenty of time last year I couldn't make it. This year I mistakenly thought I was invited (b/c it's a party by invitation only you know) and I RSVP'd only to be told I wasn't invited. I was shocked b/c I thought these were my people.
Obviously, I now I realize it was a false community. And now I don't want to go back. I mean, I do want to go back, but after being so angry and so hurt and knowing that I was not wanted, I don't want to spend time with these people anymore. For years I have fought for my right to exist in this community and I'm just done. Maybe the CTR side of my life is over and it's just time to ride on the beach or trail ride with friends. I'm not sure, but I find that I am cut to the core over and over by these people. And then when I saw some of the people actually included I was hurt all over again because they are people who aren't nice at all.
I'm a nice person. I include people, I befriend people...If I had been putting on a party and the same mistake had been made on the other side I would have said yes, of course, come on. I would never ever have told someone that they were not invited. I was told I was going to be invited in the second round of invites and that didn't happen either. Michael is hurt for me. He says he doesn't want to go back when he knows we were (or I was--everyone loves Mike) left out.
This feels like the time I tried to plan an epic NY eve party and no one came. Everyone had said they might come, but last minute everyone was busy, or it was too far or they just didn't want to. It makes me realize how rare real friends are and makes me value the true ones all the more.
I have taken this time to think about who I am and where I am going. Obviously, I am not blameless if an entire group has shunned me. But as I think on it, I also don't want to make the changes I would have to make to be included. Those changes would not be true to me.I have grown to realize that I would rather have a handful of close friends than an entire group of false friends. I am proud to be at a place where I can say these things out loud and be honest about my feelings and who I am. I am not willing to jump through hoops to be the person they want or expect me to be. I expect to be liked for who I really am...or not. I have the thing I most need in my life which is Michael who is my husband and best friend.
It turned out to be a good weekend. We were invited over to a friend's house to eat the best steak of my life. We hung out at home and relaxed because it was too muddy to ride. We were able to go to the memorial of a friend who died suddenly from cancer. Those were all important things to do and I'm happy we did them.
Michael is trying so hard to help me quit hurting, but I'm not done mourning yet. It is as though a part of my life has died. A part I really cared about and didn't want to lose. A part I was so excited to get back into because I now live close to people I really loved.It will be ok eventually, but right now I'm really sad.
Update 10-9-18. I found a comment meant for this blog. I should not have posted the deatails of my hurt so publically. It was wrong of me. It also gave people the opportunity to revel in my hurt which was not what I had intended. I didn’t even intend for people to feel sorry. More I was just venting my anger and my hurt. It showed me that my side doesn’t have a lot of support. And it showed me how unpopular I truly am. This is sobering and saddening. But it also makes me realize that it’s time to move forward and forge new friendships.
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Developing a career
I have been reading the book Business Boutique, which is a guide to women growing their business. One of the chapters has been talking about taking personality inventories to help find your strengths and she has five questions she asks to help you discover what you do well.
I don’t know why I always wanting to reinvent myself. I onmy know that while I have achieved a reasonable financial success it comes with a huge time cost. Like everyone else in the works I want to make more money and work less. Or in my case at least travel less.
Question 1: what do I enjoy?
Well horses of course. Anything horse related. I like to take care of them, ride them, read about them, hang out with them. I have enjoyed teaching lessons in the past but when I have done it lately I doubt my efficacy as a teacher. I think this is BC I end up being confused by a bunch of kids at once and I do better 1 on 1. I also think it’s BC my horses aren’t great school horses. Or maybe the kids have fear. However I do believe I could be really happy with a horse business of some kind.
I also love to sing. This is good since part of what I do is sing for a living. Part of what I do is just to sing for fun.
I like to sew and make things, especially if I’m making them for horses.
Question 2 : where do I excel?
I think I’m good at singing and music. I’m good with people. I’m a good investigator and I love doing research especially about animals. I’m intuitive and I can usually know what a person is feeling, physically and mentally, before they tell me. I’m good at crafts and crocheting and knitting.
Question 3: what do others encourage in you?
Singing . Crafts. People keep asking me to make riding tights like I used to back in the day. I a, asked to teach riding lessons frequently.
Question 4 what comes effortlessly?
I over think things so hard I never feel like things are effortless. Working with special needs kids and adults in easy. I don’t find it to be hard. I love to sing and ride my horses but I’m not as skilled as I’d like to be
Being with people, keeping them on task and organized
Question 5: What gives me energy ?
This would definitely be singing, organizing and horses. All the traveling wears on me. I wish I could from home all the time, but the money is too good traveling.
So this is where I had commentary that got erased. Ugh.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t any job I’d like better unless it was doing what I’m doing without the traveling. So it seems like my goal should be to build a business that comes to me.
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Random thoughts of a tired person
I’m sitting here thinking about how much I like to write. Only now I am dictating over the iPad so I’m not sure it actually qualifies as writing. When I was a kid and a teenager are used to write all kinds of stories. My friends and I wrote some back-and-forth stories that kind of played out like soap operas because we were each certain characters and we never knew what the other person was going to do. I carried those stories around with me for years and years and I finally decided it was time to let them go. I kept one because it was my favorite and before I let them go I reread them. They were truly awful.
This leads me into wondering if anyone really reads my blog. Or if people read my blog did they get anything out of it. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t write it because it is therapeutic for me to write the thoughts and feelings down as they come. It’s much like my binge watching of the Waltons. Every time you saw John boy he was sitting at his window on his desk with his little brown glasses on writing something in his journal. And that journal eventually became a novel. I don’t know that I would ever write a novel. You’re always told to write what you know and if I wrote about all the people and things I’d like to write about I would probably get in a lot of trouble as people recognized themselves in the stories.
I was also thinking that John boy would’ve probably really enjoyed being able to sit back and talk to his iPad rather than have to dip his pen and ink because I’m pretty sure there weren’t any ball point pen‘s.
I am having surgery on my left hand for carpal tunnel and Westpalm for arthritis tomorrow morning. They tell me I will be in a splint for about two weeks and then I will have to undergo physical therapy but that 90% of people have a significant relief from the pain. This is super good news because my phone has been sore for over a year. I think I told the doctor it was a year but it seems like it was hurting even when I was back in Arlington. I would take breaks from playing the guitar and use the keyboard, played with my right hand, to give my thumb a break. Now that I am passionate about learning to play the banjo I really want this dumb thumb to be OK. Plus it keeps me from being able to knit and crochet and play the piano like I want to as well. Mostly it just aches all the time. The sad part is I can already tell my right thumb is going to need some attention eventually.
This leads me to thinking about my future. I have been in Musictherapy since 1991 and became a massage therapist in 2005. Both of these things require my thumbs. My whole hand really, but especially my thong. You can’t do friction and deep thumb pressure without a phone on massage client. It’s very hard to play the guitar the banjo without bracing the guitar on your thumb.
I have been feeling burned out at my current position. The things that I love about it are the flexibility and the ability to make my own schedule. The things I don’t like about it or having 15 to 20 different bosses and having to keep everyone happy as to their schedule. When I take off a day it usually upsets people. I have been thinking how nice it would be to have paid vacation so I could take off next week and just recover. I have also been thinking that I just want to do something different but I don’t know what it is. However, I don’t know what I could possibly do that would make anywhere as much money and give me the flexibility I want. I often wish I had become something else as a career so that I could keep my flexibility that make more money. When I listen to Dave Ramsey and I hear people talk about how they make over 150,000 per year I find myself jealous and wishing that could be me. There is some debt to pay off but my shovel is small and it’s taking way longer than I want it to.
I have also been pondering relationships in my life that I want to improve but have no power over. Yesterday I sent a message to my stepson‘s wife’s parents to try to talk to them about the differences that we are all having. Michael added to the message and we tried very hard to be cordial and kind but yet asked for answers. It is now been 36 hours and we have heard nothing back. I am thinking that for whatever reason they believe that the rift is all our fault. Obviously when there’s conflict there is always more than one person involved. But in this case the only thing I have actually Done wrong is marry Michael. Evidently there is some disgruntlement that inheritance will go awry and people who feel that they are entitled to this land and this home won’t get what is theirs. As far as I can tell it belongs to my husband and after he is gone it will belong to whoever he says it is to belong to. Even if I never develop a relationship with my stepson or his wife, if it is Michael’s desire that the land go to His son, then that is where it will go. I just want the opportunity to live out the rest of my life in peace. My daughter does not worry about what will happen to my things or my money. Partly because she knows there isn’t much. Partly because she knows that Michael will do by her as I would have done by her and help her in all things. I wish there were someway to resolve this ugly situation but we have given up. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that says come back when you’re ready we won’t bother you anymore for now. I find it truly upsetting to be pre-judge and sentenced before anyone had the opportunity to even know me. These decisions were made in people’s minds before I ever met them and those are the most overpowering thoughts that they have. All I can do is pray that I keep a good spirit and that they eventually come around.
There is another chapter ending as well. The little girl who used to ride with us has lost another friend. Her mother has gone off the deep end once again and cut her off from us again and from her best friend and her family. This is all because her mother was questioned about why she thought it was OK to leave 2 11-year-olds alone late at night by themselves. Evidently in the state of Texas there are no rules about how old or young a child can stay alone. It has to do with whether the child can take care of itself or not. So I guess the fact that she cut herself one night while alone and had to go to the ER didn’t count. Or that she didn’t know how to use the oven to make herself a pizza and then burned herself was actually OK. I am perplexed and confused by what people fine to be abuse. In my opinion, and in the opinion of everyone I’ve told the story to this child is being neglected, if not abused. But since she is not suicidal and because she has not been assaulted there is nothing to be done to help her. She’s been isolated and pulled out of school and not taught anything but because of our lenient homeschool laws nothing can be done to help her. I am all for lenient homeschool laws. I homeschooled my daughter and it worked out pretty well. But I can’t understand why it’s OK to leave your kids alone all day and part of the evening with new school work, no phone, no Internet and just a bunch of video games for entertainment . Maybe that’s not actually abuse but it seems like it ought to be considered neglect. Evidently somebody else felt the way I do because CPS was called yet again but what I hear is nothing is going to be done because she is the perfect mother and the child says she is not abused.
I am not normally this bold or this negative in my blog posts. I am sure that the people I about will know who they are and there could be some fallout. I’m prepared. I am tired of hiding because I don’t want to offend anyone. There is a right and a wrong in the world and if God is telling me to stand up for myself and for others who can’t stand up for themselves I need to listen and do His bidding.
I have a whole other discussion about how we know if we’re doing what God wants us to do or not. However, I have paperwork to do before tomorrow’s surgery and I don’t have time to wax philosophical about this subject anymore tonight.
As always if you find errors I apologize. It was a voice dictation after all.
update: evidently CPS has been out to see them 3 times recently. So something happened. I just hope it gets the kid the help she needs.
This leads me into wondering if anyone really reads my blog. Or if people read my blog did they get anything out of it. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t write it because it is therapeutic for me to write the thoughts and feelings down as they come. It’s much like my binge watching of the Waltons. Every time you saw John boy he was sitting at his window on his desk with his little brown glasses on writing something in his journal. And that journal eventually became a novel. I don’t know that I would ever write a novel. You’re always told to write what you know and if I wrote about all the people and things I’d like to write about I would probably get in a lot of trouble as people recognized themselves in the stories.
I was also thinking that John boy would’ve probably really enjoyed being able to sit back and talk to his iPad rather than have to dip his pen and ink because I’m pretty sure there weren’t any ball point pen‘s.
I am having surgery on my left hand for carpal tunnel and Westpalm for arthritis tomorrow morning. They tell me I will be in a splint for about two weeks and then I will have to undergo physical therapy but that 90% of people have a significant relief from the pain. This is super good news because my phone has been sore for over a year. I think I told the doctor it was a year but it seems like it was hurting even when I was back in Arlington. I would take breaks from playing the guitar and use the keyboard, played with my right hand, to give my thumb a break. Now that I am passionate about learning to play the banjo I really want this dumb thumb to be OK. Plus it keeps me from being able to knit and crochet and play the piano like I want to as well. Mostly it just aches all the time. The sad part is I can already tell my right thumb is going to need some attention eventually.
This leads me to thinking about my future. I have been in Musictherapy since 1991 and became a massage therapist in 2005. Both of these things require my thumbs. My whole hand really, but especially my thong. You can’t do friction and deep thumb pressure without a phone on massage client. It’s very hard to play the guitar the banjo without bracing the guitar on your thumb.
I have been feeling burned out at my current position. The things that I love about it are the flexibility and the ability to make my own schedule. The things I don’t like about it or having 15 to 20 different bosses and having to keep everyone happy as to their schedule. When I take off a day it usually upsets people. I have been thinking how nice it would be to have paid vacation so I could take off next week and just recover. I have also been thinking that I just want to do something different but I don’t know what it is. However, I don’t know what I could possibly do that would make anywhere as much money and give me the flexibility I want. I often wish I had become something else as a career so that I could keep my flexibility that make more money. When I listen to Dave Ramsey and I hear people talk about how they make over 150,000 per year I find myself jealous and wishing that could be me. There is some debt to pay off but my shovel is small and it’s taking way longer than I want it to.
I have also been pondering relationships in my life that I want to improve but have no power over. Yesterday I sent a message to my stepson‘s wife’s parents to try to talk to them about the differences that we are all having. Michael added to the message and we tried very hard to be cordial and kind but yet asked for answers. It is now been 36 hours and we have heard nothing back. I am thinking that for whatever reason they believe that the rift is all our fault. Obviously when there’s conflict there is always more than one person involved. But in this case the only thing I have actually Done wrong is marry Michael. Evidently there is some disgruntlement that inheritance will go awry and people who feel that they are entitled to this land and this home won’t get what is theirs. As far as I can tell it belongs to my husband and after he is gone it will belong to whoever he says it is to belong to. Even if I never develop a relationship with my stepson or his wife, if it is Michael’s desire that the land go to His son, then that is where it will go. I just want the opportunity to live out the rest of my life in peace. My daughter does not worry about what will happen to my things or my money. Partly because she knows there isn’t much. Partly because she knows that Michael will do by her as I would have done by her and help her in all things. I wish there were someway to resolve this ugly situation but we have given up. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that says come back when you’re ready we won’t bother you anymore for now. I find it truly upsetting to be pre-judge and sentenced before anyone had the opportunity to even know me. These decisions were made in people’s minds before I ever met them and those are the most overpowering thoughts that they have. All I can do is pray that I keep a good spirit and that they eventually come around.
There is another chapter ending as well. The little girl who used to ride with us has lost another friend. Her mother has gone off the deep end once again and cut her off from us again and from her best friend and her family. This is all because her mother was questioned about why she thought it was OK to leave 2 11-year-olds alone late at night by themselves. Evidently in the state of Texas there are no rules about how old or young a child can stay alone. It has to do with whether the child can take care of itself or not. So I guess the fact that she cut herself one night while alone and had to go to the ER didn’t count. Or that she didn’t know how to use the oven to make herself a pizza and then burned herself was actually OK. I am perplexed and confused by what people fine to be abuse. In my opinion, and in the opinion of everyone I’ve told the story to this child is being neglected, if not abused. But since she is not suicidal and because she has not been assaulted there is nothing to be done to help her. She’s been isolated and pulled out of school and not taught anything but because of our lenient homeschool laws nothing can be done to help her. I am all for lenient homeschool laws. I homeschooled my daughter and it worked out pretty well. But I can’t understand why it’s OK to leave your kids alone all day and part of the evening with new school work, no phone, no Internet and just a bunch of video games for entertainment . Maybe that’s not actually abuse but it seems like it ought to be considered neglect. Evidently somebody else felt the way I do because CPS was called yet again but what I hear is nothing is going to be done because she is the perfect mother and the child says she is not abused.
I am not normally this bold or this negative in my blog posts. I am sure that the people I about will know who they are and there could be some fallout. I’m prepared. I am tired of hiding because I don’t want to offend anyone. There is a right and a wrong in the world and if God is telling me to stand up for myself and for others who can’t stand up for themselves I need to listen and do His bidding.
I have a whole other discussion about how we know if we’re doing what God wants us to do or not. However, I have paperwork to do before tomorrow’s surgery and I don’t have time to wax philosophical about this subject anymore tonight.
As always if you find errors I apologize. It was a voice dictation after all.
update: evidently CPS has been out to see them 3 times recently. So something happened. I just hope it gets the kid the help she needs.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Sermon Notes Words Reveal Character
"Either make the tree good, and its fruit good; or make the tree corrupt, and its fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by its fruit. Ye offspring of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. The good man out of his good treasure bringeth forth good things: and the evil man out of his evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. And I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned."
Matthew 12:33-37 ASV
Are there enough words in the dictionary to use other words other than cuss words? Or do we have enough intelligence not to use cuss words. (I am guilty of this)
"But let your speech be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: and whatsoever is more than these is of the evil one."
Matthew 5:37 ASV
Your yes needs to be yes and your no needs to be no. No Grey areas.
Make a tree good and it will bear good fruit. Make a tree bad and it will bear bad fruit. Put good things into us and good will come out.
Good fruit is good all the time. It doesn’t go bad.
Hypocrites are people who do not walk the walk after the talk the talk. Avoiding church BC we didn’t want to be around people who are two faced makes you not want to be a part of it. More relationships with God (and other people) have been destroyed by not walking the walk.
I was thinking about Max said at the beginning of the sermon about how many words people say in their lifetimes. He made a joke about some of us using up our words early in life but I think he’s right. I have literally come to a point where I just don’t feel like talking to people all the time anymore. I like to read books and have quiet and watch TV either alone or with my family. I have tightened my circle of friends and decided to not spend a lot of time with people who don’t Lift me up and don’t allow me to life them up. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends with non believers but I am done letting people who are hateful run my life or my attitude. I have been coming to this conclusion for a long time. I have learned to follow my path and do what the Lord wants me to do.
I was perplexed this week when I tried to help a child who is not being parented. Unfortunately she is not being abused in the classic sense of the word. Cps doesn’t care if a parent is mean and crazy as long as the kid isn’t suicidal. And if that kid isn’t in school there is no law to require the parent to educate that child.
Saturday, July 14, 2018
Random thoughts
I do not move enough. If I moved more I would burn more calories. I put too many other things in front of me. For some reason I have grown to think that taken care of me first is selfish. If I took better care of me I would exercise each day instead of finding a bunch of other things to do instead. Starting now I am putting me first. That is what God wants me to do and that is what I need to do. As I drive to church to do the play day I have lots of different things going through my head. I have been getting myself off of Effexor but I find that my anxiety is hirer. I honestly don’t know if it is because I am going off of Effexor or if I am worried about my anxiety which of course will make me more anxious. I also made a conscious decision the other day to quit worrying so much about my weight. And now I am 3 pounds heavier which makes me worry about my weight. I do not move enough. If I moved more I would burn more calories. I put too many other things in front of me. For some reason I have grown to think that taking care of me first is selfish. If I took better care of me I would exercise each day instead of finding a bunch of other things to do instead. Starting now I am putting me first. That is what God wants me to do and that is what I need to do.
Friday, July 13, 2018
The wonder of Joe Bob
This time yesterday I was pretty sure that Joe Bob was going to die. I'm happy to report that today, except for a cough he is doing great. He is on soup for the foreseeable future and I'm not sure when he will be able to join the herd, but it will be at least one week if not more. We don't know yet if it will damage his ability to perform in the distance venue yet, but we honestly just don't care.
I have begun to write more of these blog posts because it seems like if people take the time to read them, their comments are more mature and less shoot from the hip. I have also been thinking of starting a video blog, but wonder if anyone would be interested or why I should/could do that.
I have begun to write more of these blog posts because it seems like if people take the time to read them, their comments are more mature and less shoot from the hip. I have also been thinking of starting a video blog, but wonder if anyone would be interested or why I should/could do that.
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Tales from the Equine water cooler
I am sitting at my desk this morning watching the horses in the pasture. This last week we were able to fix some fence and close a couple gates and give the horses access to our entire piece of land. Graciously, Michael's sister has not objected to that that part of what they are now running on is hers also. The plan before Michael got hurt a couple weeks ago was to be cross fencing that pasture so they aren't on any ground but ours. We will also then put the cows on our ground too which will make everything really awesome. We will then have the ability to plant some grasses and rehab the pastures which have grown sudan for the cows for many years. Hopefully, eventually we will be able to raise our own hay as well.
Jan let her horses come out with mine so they all have about 80 or 90 acres to run on. They have access to three tanks and lots of different grass. They seem to be happy, but most days still come up for their feeding and inspection. When they come up I try to always give them something.
Last night I had a few lessons to teach and the herd came up. In the mix of horses some feed got dropped and Joe Bob ate some feed off the ground and immediately choked. He has choked before. He and Liberty are both chokers and we have done what we can to minimize the problems associated with choke, but this time he just got the better of us. He has been choking since 6 last evening. He had Dynamite Relax and Release, which in the past has fixed most of our chokes. We lavaged water and a little corn oil and massaged...at 9 I gave him banamine and put him where he couldn't eat all night. This morning he was still in a bad way and I called the vet. She was not particularly encouraging. She says he may have a ruptured esophagus. He is running a fever and is still rattling. Heart rate and respirations are high.
I love my vet. From the moment she arrived and she lined out how this may go, she did nothing to make me feel like I should have or could have done more for Joe Bob. She said ideally I would take him to a hospital but that the diagnositics alone would be $500 or $600 before we ever did any treatment and then who knew from there. Sadly we are still paying for Sherman's colic which was $1500 last fall. She also told us that we had done more for him already than a lot of people do for their choking horses. Practically sometimes all you can do is put the horse is stall with a bucket of water and hope. So, for the next few days he gets Banamine and two antibiotics each morning. We are hoping the blockage clears itself and that he doesn't have a rupture. If he gets dehydrated will go have a port put in and hang him fluid. As a side note, Mike used to have a bunch of bags of fluids from when his late wife had dialysis. Sadly he turned them back into the pharmacy because he never thought he'd need them. And now they are over $50/bag.
She was also encouraging about my Crown Valiant (Ivan Valentino as Maggie calls him) She thinks he's a fine horse, just needs groceries. She was surprised he wasn't started and I told her that was part of the summer project. Oops, summer is almost over.
It's been fun watching the horses this morning. With the herds mingled, they have worked out a new structure for themselves. Ivan is above Stormy now, which makes sense b/c she is the youngest. Dixie is the bottom of everyone, still. Kairro has become a stud muffin to not one but 2 other red horses. Journey is a hussy to all the boys. I had thought Ember was pregnant, but now as she flirts with Kairro it's clear that she is in raging heat and not pregnant. My sweet Vandy just tries to stay out of the way.
Last night, watching a child ride who is especially fearful I was struck by the fact that sometimes we have to give up control and give up our fears to gain control of our lives in new and different ways. I woke up at 4am thinking about this. I kept thinking about losing control to gain happiness. Much like when we give up control of our lives so that Jesus can come in and take over. I have thought about how many times I have tried to force my control of the horse (or my life) only to be taught the lesson of I'm not the one in charge. Sometimes it's because I don't have the right relationship to make the changes I want to make. Sometimes it because I'm blind to the needs of others.
It seems like I had another profound thought as I lay there not sleeping, praying for a young person I know who is struggling right now, but I can't think what it was...And I have to leave for work so it will have to be a topic for a later post.
Addendum
Moments after I wrote the above I walked out to the truck to drive to my first appointment of the day. I had already had to reschedule the first one because of Joe Bob, but when I saw that my truck had less than 13 pounds of pressure in the rear tire on the passenger side I decide it was a sign from God to punt the day.
I'm starting to think God did not want me to increase my work load...Of course, then I question whether God would say that since it brings a better bottom line to the family financially speaking. I just know that ever since I said I'd take the extra clients I have had nothing but trouble with my schedule. I have seen them all once and then last week Mike had his accident and now this. It's probably just bad luck, but I so hate making people angry when I can't show up. However, I also know that there are sometimes other priorities.
At 4 am I woke up singing the song that is listed below. I have been listening to it a lot and practicing it because I plan to sing it Sunday at church, but with the trials of the last couple weeks it seems especially fitting.
Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
Jan let her horses come out with mine so they all have about 80 or 90 acres to run on. They have access to three tanks and lots of different grass. They seem to be happy, but most days still come up for their feeding and inspection. When they come up I try to always give them something.
Last night I had a few lessons to teach and the herd came up. In the mix of horses some feed got dropped and Joe Bob ate some feed off the ground and immediately choked. He has choked before. He and Liberty are both chokers and we have done what we can to minimize the problems associated with choke, but this time he just got the better of us. He has been choking since 6 last evening. He had Dynamite Relax and Release, which in the past has fixed most of our chokes. We lavaged water and a little corn oil and massaged...at 9 I gave him banamine and put him where he couldn't eat all night. This morning he was still in a bad way and I called the vet. She was not particularly encouraging. She says he may have a ruptured esophagus. He is running a fever and is still rattling. Heart rate and respirations are high.
I love my vet. From the moment she arrived and she lined out how this may go, she did nothing to make me feel like I should have or could have done more for Joe Bob. She said ideally I would take him to a hospital but that the diagnositics alone would be $500 or $600 before we ever did any treatment and then who knew from there. Sadly we are still paying for Sherman's colic which was $1500 last fall. She also told us that we had done more for him already than a lot of people do for their choking horses. Practically sometimes all you can do is put the horse is stall with a bucket of water and hope. So, for the next few days he gets Banamine and two antibiotics each morning. We are hoping the blockage clears itself and that he doesn't have a rupture. If he gets dehydrated will go have a port put in and hang him fluid. As a side note, Mike used to have a bunch of bags of fluids from when his late wife had dialysis. Sadly he turned them back into the pharmacy because he never thought he'd need them. And now they are over $50/bag.
She was also encouraging about my Crown Valiant (Ivan Valentino as Maggie calls him) She thinks he's a fine horse, just needs groceries. She was surprised he wasn't started and I told her that was part of the summer project. Oops, summer is almost over.
It's been fun watching the horses this morning. With the herds mingled, they have worked out a new structure for themselves. Ivan is above Stormy now, which makes sense b/c she is the youngest. Dixie is the bottom of everyone, still. Kairro has become a stud muffin to not one but 2 other red horses. Journey is a hussy to all the boys. I had thought Ember was pregnant, but now as she flirts with Kairro it's clear that she is in raging heat and not pregnant. My sweet Vandy just tries to stay out of the way.
Last night, watching a child ride who is especially fearful I was struck by the fact that sometimes we have to give up control and give up our fears to gain control of our lives in new and different ways. I woke up at 4am thinking about this. I kept thinking about losing control to gain happiness. Much like when we give up control of our lives so that Jesus can come in and take over. I have thought about how many times I have tried to force my control of the horse (or my life) only to be taught the lesson of I'm not the one in charge. Sometimes it's because I don't have the right relationship to make the changes I want to make. Sometimes it because I'm blind to the needs of others.
It seems like I had another profound thought as I lay there not sleeping, praying for a young person I know who is struggling right now, but I can't think what it was...And I have to leave for work so it will have to be a topic for a later post.
Addendum
Moments after I wrote the above I walked out to the truck to drive to my first appointment of the day. I had already had to reschedule the first one because of Joe Bob, but when I saw that my truck had less than 13 pounds of pressure in the rear tire on the passenger side I decide it was a sign from God to punt the day.
I'm starting to think God did not want me to increase my work load...Of course, then I question whether God would say that since it brings a better bottom line to the family financially speaking. I just know that ever since I said I'd take the extra clients I have had nothing but trouble with my schedule. I have seen them all once and then last week Mike had his accident and now this. It's probably just bad luck, but I so hate making people angry when I can't show up. However, I also know that there are sometimes other priorities.
At 4 am I woke up singing the song that is listed below. I have been listening to it a lot and practicing it because I plan to sing it Sunday at church, but with the trials of the last couple weeks it seems especially fitting.
Blessings by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Why do people not come to church ?
"But when he came to himself he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight: I am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But while he was yet afar off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him."
Luke 15:17-20 ASV
http://bible.com/12/luk.15.17-20.asv
If we are going to do church right it’s going to be messy.
Excuse 1. I don’t look anything like those folks at church so I’m just not going to go I don’t want to stand out and be that different. I’m not going to change so there is no reason for me to come to church.
Excuse 2. Church people are too fake. People aren’t real when they are in church.
Excuse 3. You might ask me to do something I don’t want to do like pray out loud or read the Bible.
Well I had written a ton more but it somehow none of it saved. I’m so upset. It was a really great sermon. I’ll add a link to the sermon when it comes
Monday, July 2, 2018
Life without Michael
I can not even imagine what my life would be like without my husband. I had a moment on Saturday where I feared that might happen when he was bucked off the horse he was riding and landed in the dirt. Never have I been more happy that we always wear helmets when we ride. Everyone heard it hit the dirt and even some of the cowboys said they were happy that he had it on (of course, they wouldn't think to wear one themselves ;-) He got up and found his way to his chair and though he was battered and bruised he didn't look all that bad at first. His shoulder hurt, but he didn't want the grand kids to miss out riding (or me either)...and the ER in Gatesville wasn't open because of the explosion at the hospital this past Tuesday.
I worried about him some when he kept asking the same questions. Later he said that it was because he was having a hard time believing he had come off and that he was trying to put together the facts as he was being told with what little he did remember. At first though he said that he remembered getting on the horse, but not getting off. He seemed to rally around the idea that he had last 8 seconds (and he did) but he kept asking where he fell off and what happened. This is a sure sign of a concussion.
We had planned to grill out with our son in law and his daughter and the grand kids and swim and stuff, so it was a super bummer when he got home and realized that he needed to go to the doctor after all. He wanted to be clean b/c in these situations you never know when your next shower is going to be. We went to the open urgent care at the Gatesville Hospital and as soon as they heard "bucked off a horse" they asked me if he had been "ejected" and I answered that I guess so. They then said that activated the trauma team and we needed to go to Temple Scott and White because they weren't 100% up and running in Gatesville. They offered to take him by ambulance, but we didn't think that was necessary so we drove to Temple. I drive to Temple all the time but this seemed like a really long trip this time.
When we got to the Temple ER we checked in at the window and it didn't look very busy but we figured that it would be waiting awhile because that's what you do that the ER. As soon as I told them he was bucked off a horse, the woman in the window asked me if he had been ejected and I said yes, I guess being bucked off is being ejected. She then help up a hand to me, got on the phone and called the trauma team. In less than 30 seconds they were forcing Michael into a wheelchair and taking him back to a room and a team of multiple doctors and technicians were xraying, ultrasounding and poking and prodding. We were kind of incredulous because it just didn't seem like that big of a deal to us...we fall off and get hurt...it happens. They said he had a possible Pneumothorax which was confirmed and explained why his chest had gotten tighter and tighter. His lung hadn't collapsed, but it would have.
So, now he is in the hospital with a chest tube waiting for the leak in his lung to heal. They say he will be in at least 2 more days, because he can't go home till his lung quits leaking. They did come in and change out his vacuum and it appears that it was faulty. The new one doesn't show any leaks.
Here is the challenge though. I can't do anything around here. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd function here without him. The swimming pool had a leaky pump and I couldn't open it. Several horses need trimming and my hands will no longer squeeze the nippers. I had to buy square bales for the horses because I don't know how to run the tractor to move the bales of hay. I can't believe how pitifully ill equipped I am to work around here and take care of things. When he comes home he's going to need time to heal but the work never stops. He is the rock that holds this place together. I can't imagine how I would ever manage without him. I told him he had to teach me to do these things because I can't not know how to take care of things.
This morning a friend from church came over and helped me with Journey. On Saturday I was ready for her to go to Mexico on a meat truck (oh not really, but I was pretty mad at her) and today I feel like I Have a little better understanding of her and her personality. Deb showed me how she gets uncomfortable so easily and how pushing her just makes it worse. Honestly, these are things I already knew, but seeing someone else do it made a big difference to how I saw her. I saw her through new eyes this morning. So, for now my plan is to do lots of ground work with her and proceed slowly. Deb may take her if I can't do it, but it's a start. I think if Mike needs a backup he can ride Ginger, but better, he just needs to stick with Joe Bob because is so trustworthy. I'm honestly not sure that I can make the time for her. I have three horses I'm riding that I adore. I'm not sure I have time for a fourth.
I started showing Maggie how to trim feet today. We are both having a bad day. It seems like we start crying at the drop of a hat today. I'm sad because I miss Michael and then another dear friend was very kind to me today and I started crying again.
I find that I am just out of patience for people who think it is OK to criticize me on a regular basis. People I thought were my friends who turned out to be opportunistic more than showing friendship. I have begun to realize that I am so much happier here in my little community and maybe it's time to let go of some of those people who continue to be critical. I was left out of an event that I have gone to all but one year. I was accused of staying home from a meeting to do something frivolous. I want to know why people find this acceptable. The people doing this would not tolerate being criticized in this way. I want to know why people think it's ok to criticize me. I find myself wondering this alot. I would like to change whatever it is I do that makes people think I'm ok to pick on. I'm done. I'm just done. I am not putting up with this crap anymore!
Then I think about other things that make me happy. Little relationships I see developing that make me smile and I can't help but be happy.
My world is so much bigger yet smaller than it used to be. I never want to live anywhere but here and I never want to be away from Michael like this ever again. He had better live a long, long time.
I worried about him some when he kept asking the same questions. Later he said that it was because he was having a hard time believing he had come off and that he was trying to put together the facts as he was being told with what little he did remember. At first though he said that he remembered getting on the horse, but not getting off. He seemed to rally around the idea that he had last 8 seconds (and he did) but he kept asking where he fell off and what happened. This is a sure sign of a concussion.
We had planned to grill out with our son in law and his daughter and the grand kids and swim and stuff, so it was a super bummer when he got home and realized that he needed to go to the doctor after all. He wanted to be clean b/c in these situations you never know when your next shower is going to be. We went to the open urgent care at the Gatesville Hospital and as soon as they heard "bucked off a horse" they asked me if he had been "ejected" and I answered that I guess so. They then said that activated the trauma team and we needed to go to Temple Scott and White because they weren't 100% up and running in Gatesville. They offered to take him by ambulance, but we didn't think that was necessary so we drove to Temple. I drive to Temple all the time but this seemed like a really long trip this time.
When we got to the Temple ER we checked in at the window and it didn't look very busy but we figured that it would be waiting awhile because that's what you do that the ER. As soon as I told them he was bucked off a horse, the woman in the window asked me if he had been ejected and I said yes, I guess being bucked off is being ejected. She then help up a hand to me, got on the phone and called the trauma team. In less than 30 seconds they were forcing Michael into a wheelchair and taking him back to a room and a team of multiple doctors and technicians were xraying, ultrasounding and poking and prodding. We were kind of incredulous because it just didn't seem like that big of a deal to us...we fall off and get hurt...it happens. They said he had a possible Pneumothorax which was confirmed and explained why his chest had gotten tighter and tighter. His lung hadn't collapsed, but it would have.
So, now he is in the hospital with a chest tube waiting for the leak in his lung to heal. They say he will be in at least 2 more days, because he can't go home till his lung quits leaking. They did come in and change out his vacuum and it appears that it was faulty. The new one doesn't show any leaks.
Here is the challenge though. I can't do anything around here. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd function here without him. The swimming pool had a leaky pump and I couldn't open it. Several horses need trimming and my hands will no longer squeeze the nippers. I had to buy square bales for the horses because I don't know how to run the tractor to move the bales of hay. I can't believe how pitifully ill equipped I am to work around here and take care of things. When he comes home he's going to need time to heal but the work never stops. He is the rock that holds this place together. I can't imagine how I would ever manage without him. I told him he had to teach me to do these things because I can't not know how to take care of things.
This morning a friend from church came over and helped me with Journey. On Saturday I was ready for her to go to Mexico on a meat truck (oh not really, but I was pretty mad at her) and today I feel like I Have a little better understanding of her and her personality. Deb showed me how she gets uncomfortable so easily and how pushing her just makes it worse. Honestly, these are things I already knew, but seeing someone else do it made a big difference to how I saw her. I saw her through new eyes this morning. So, for now my plan is to do lots of ground work with her and proceed slowly. Deb may take her if I can't do it, but it's a start. I think if Mike needs a backup he can ride Ginger, but better, he just needs to stick with Joe Bob because is so trustworthy. I'm honestly not sure that I can make the time for her. I have three horses I'm riding that I adore. I'm not sure I have time for a fourth.
I started showing Maggie how to trim feet today. We are both having a bad day. It seems like we start crying at the drop of a hat today. I'm sad because I miss Michael and then another dear friend was very kind to me today and I started crying again.
I find that I am just out of patience for people who think it is OK to criticize me on a regular basis. People I thought were my friends who turned out to be opportunistic more than showing friendship. I have begun to realize that I am so much happier here in my little community and maybe it's time to let go of some of those people who continue to be critical. I was left out of an event that I have gone to all but one year. I was accused of staying home from a meeting to do something frivolous. I want to know why people find this acceptable. The people doing this would not tolerate being criticized in this way. I want to know why people think it's ok to criticize me. I find myself wondering this alot. I would like to change whatever it is I do that makes people think I'm ok to pick on. I'm done. I'm just done. I am not putting up with this crap anymore!
Then I think about other things that make me happy. Little relationships I see developing that make me smile and I can't help but be happy.
My world is so much bigger yet smaller than it used to be. I never want to live anywhere but here and I never want to be away from Michael like this ever again. He had better live a long, long time.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Struggles and then Relief
I had a long conversation with my father yesterday. I had not talked to in a while so we talked for almost an hour. One of the things we talked about was my ongoing relationship or lack there of with my stepson and his wife. He encouraged me to always be nice no matter what. I told him that so far we have been but that we are losing patience. However it got me to thinking about whether that is really the right path to take.
So this is the next day. I’m in a good quiet place today. I finished up my class project and have started some new clients. I have actually had a couple of days of not having anything I’m pressed to do. It’s weird. I like it. I played sims last night and watched TV. It was good
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Whoever will call on the name of the Lord...
Shall be saved Romans 10:13
Never thought about the fact that no one was saved in the Old Testament did not have salvation. And we’re not saved because it was all before Christ. The only way to be saved is through Christ.
"And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of Jehovah shall be delivered; for in mount Zion and in Jerusalem there shall be those that escape, as Jehovah hath said, and among the remnant those whom Jehovah doth call."
Joel 2:32 ASV
If we put everything on Jesus he will take care of us.
This is where Max accused us of zoning out but I was taking notes. Honest!
There are some people who are trying to get to heaven without ever touching first base.
It’s been a rough week at the Perryman house. Not tough like a third world country where people are dying from starvation, but tough in a first world human problems kind of way. I have been finishing up a class in Perinatal Music Therapy. I have my final project about half done and have an idea of what I’m doing in the rest but it will take some time and concentration to finish. And I’ve picked up some more clients so that I can reach our goal of being out of debt by the end of the year. It may be lofty but I’m going for it.
As a result if this ‘hard work’ Maggie and I did something we haven’t done in years--we sat and played Sims 4 for an entire day. It was great fun, but I think all that screen time kept me up last night.
Mike did actually have a hard day Friday. He has been trying to get back into the good graces (for lack of a better term) of his son and our daughter in law since about the time we met. It’s ancient history now but things didn’t go well from the first time we met. She decided she didn’t like me the first time she met me and he followed her. I’m pretty sure her parents don’t like me either. In the two years we have been together we feel like we have been sucking up and begging them to spend time with us and love us. Just last weekend we saw them for Father’s Day but we got stuck at the end of the table and the siblings and their families were very cozy and we felt like an after thought. This is pretty much par for the course and it doesn’t so much make us angry as it hurts and makes us sad. Mike was able to talk to his son about this on Friday and I have very little hope that we will ever find common ground. We each have things that the other has done that’s hurtful. Mike suggested that we set everything down and move forward. We have all been hurt and we can’t go back and fix it. However Mike didn’t feel like, based on their conversation, that we can see any changes. They are so entrenched in their anger and resentment that I don’t see how we can make head way.
There was a song I felt compelled to sing today (and we did). It’s called Your Hands and it’s sung by JJ Heller. The words are below. When I felt the need to sing it I didn’t know why I would need it sung.
I have unanswered prayers. I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands When my heart is breaking. I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking. I never leave your hands
We also have some sadness about the little girl who used to come over and ride. Her mom has continued to fall apart and we finally had to walk away from the situation. Speaking with someone else who is part of the situation I have begun to pray for her again. I never really stopped praying but I have been praying about what our role needs to be in her life if anything. I don’t know how to help the child without being involved with her mother.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Feeling guilty
I wish I could let go of feeling guilty or bad when I can't spend every moment with my husband. He doesn't expect it. He knows I Have work to do, hobbies I like and that since I work full time I can't do stuff during the day like he does. I think part of it is that I want to be with him b/c I just like being with him. But I am so far behind on the class I'm taking. Then I get like today where I get up early to do my work and have so many interruptions and can't concentrate. It's almost time to leave for work now and I haven't accomplished much of anything :-( He loves TV and I love quiet. I used to be able to multi task and watch tv and read at the same time, but that seems to have evaporated with age. I have no reason to feel guilty because I know I have his full support. It's just hard.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Sermon notes 6/3
Are we willing to be hated to spread the word of God?
We should do what pleases our Lord and Savior no matter how it will be received in the world. We want to be the light of the world. We want to be genuine and not fake.
If we are not experiencing persecution at some level we aren’t doing it right.
At the very least we should be considered nice people. It’s sad when other people don’t think we’re nice. But niceness doesn’t have the impact on people we think it doesn’t. People will think we are weird when we start sharing the gospel.
We aren’t here to edit the message. We are here to deliver the message. Many people want to take it easy non believers instead of giving it to them straight. I admit to being guilty if this. I want the world to like me and then I’m not the Christian I should be. I have avoided telling people about hell. I like people to like me.
The Lord is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We are just his ambassadors. We should tell them the truth. There is nothing new about the gospel turning people off. It is also true that some people are dying to hear the gospel.
We should do what pleases our Lord and Savior no matter how it will be received in the world. We want to be the light of the world. We want to be genuine and not fake.
If we are not experiencing persecution at some level we aren’t doing it right.
At the very least we should be considered nice people. It’s sad when other people don’t think we’re nice. But niceness doesn’t have the impact on people we think it doesn’t. People will think we are weird when we start sharing the gospel.
We aren’t here to edit the message. We are here to deliver the message. Many people want to take it easy non believers instead of giving it to them straight. I admit to being guilty if this. I want the world to like me and then I’m not the Christian I should be. I have avoided telling people about hell. I like people to like me.
The Lord is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We are just his ambassadors. We should tell them the truth. There is nothing new about the gospel turning people off. It is also true that some people are dying to hear the gospel.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Kind is the New Classy part 1
I have been reading this wonderful book called Kind is the New Classy by Candace Cameron Bure. There are "study questions" at the end of each chapter and I find that I want to blog about them because I have been thinking a lot about this concept of finding purpose and being kind and having manners.
The first chapter is about finding our purpose as women. She says to take cues from the past to figure out what we are supposed to be doing. I know for myself, every time I question whether I'm in the right line of work I realize that my greatest joy is when I'm singing, especially when I'm singing to praise the Lord. I also like helping people, so in many ways it's completely appropriate that I Have become a music therapist and a massage therapist. I have been working for a way to combine these two loves and I think I have found it working as a Childbirth Coach and Doula. I have been taking a perinatal music therapy class and I have already taken a Music therapy assisted childbirth class. Even when I think about doing other things I do feel like I am moving in the right direction.
Edited 5-31.
After I wrote this a few days ago I had thought about it more. Even though it seems like this is a good and worthy cause for the future I realize that my real passion is it therapy. I need, it’s my job and I do it pretty well and I don’t mind doing it every day but it is it’s my passion. This morning while I should have been doing preparation for an upcoming music therapy session, I was in bed getting music ready for band practice tonight. So far my favorite thing I did today was to get music ready. I did eventually start working on my actual work and I got it. But I realize that even though it is not my job it is definitely what I want to be doing. I was so disappointed that this new client does not believe. It means I can’t use my favorite music.
PS 6/6
I continue to think about this and I wonder sometimes if I'm a very good therapist. I love the hospice work I do and I mostly love the other work, but right now, massage is way more appealing to me than music and I don't know why. Sometimes I Think that if I could do anything I wouldn't do music at all but I'd have a horse career, but then I think that I don't want to turn my hobby into a job. I also think that Mike and I would do really well in a sewing business together if we had a product that made enough money. I would really like a job where I could cook for people, but I'm not at all sure that's lucrative enough to even do. I think about my perfect job and it's just silly. I'd like a job where I set my own hours, could listen to books or movies while I worked but was still useful to others and did them a service. I don't think this job exists.
The first chapter is about finding our purpose as women. She says to take cues from the past to figure out what we are supposed to be doing. I know for myself, every time I question whether I'm in the right line of work I realize that my greatest joy is when I'm singing, especially when I'm singing to praise the Lord. I also like helping people, so in many ways it's completely appropriate that I Have become a music therapist and a massage therapist. I have been working for a way to combine these two loves and I think I have found it working as a Childbirth Coach and Doula. I have been taking a perinatal music therapy class and I have already taken a Music therapy assisted childbirth class. Even when I think about doing other things I do feel like I am moving in the right direction.
Edited 5-31.
After I wrote this a few days ago I had thought about it more. Even though it seems like this is a good and worthy cause for the future I realize that my real passion is it therapy. I need, it’s my job and I do it pretty well and I don’t mind doing it every day but it is it’s my passion. This morning while I should have been doing preparation for an upcoming music therapy session, I was in bed getting music ready for band practice tonight. So far my favorite thing I did today was to get music ready. I did eventually start working on my actual work and I got it. But I realize that even though it is not my job it is definitely what I want to be doing. I was so disappointed that this new client does not believe. It means I can’t use my favorite music.
PS 6/6
I continue to think about this and I wonder sometimes if I'm a very good therapist. I love the hospice work I do and I mostly love the other work, but right now, massage is way more appealing to me than music and I don't know why. Sometimes I Think that if I could do anything I wouldn't do music at all but I'd have a horse career, but then I think that I don't want to turn my hobby into a job. I also think that Mike and I would do really well in a sewing business together if we had a product that made enough money. I would really like a job where I could cook for people, but I'm not at all sure that's lucrative enough to even do. I think about my perfect job and it's just silly. I'd like a job where I set my own hours, could listen to books or movies while I worked but was still useful to others and did them a service. I don't think this job exists.
Friday, May 25, 2018
I don't want to be in the middle
Disclaimer: This is a combination of many incidents where I have heard and/or felt these words and this emotional position. If it resembles you in a conversation with me than it may have happened. This is not an indictment of anyone in particular, just me ranting about all the bad things that have come out of society when these words get spoken.
I hate bullies. Since I was a small child when I saw injustice I would stick up for the underdog. I was discouraged to do this by my parents, but it never stuck. I felt like I had the ability to dissect the situation and figure out who was truly at fault and who was being bullied and I didn't like it. One day, on the bus ride home from school a boy was picking on my brother. When we got off the bus this kid was going to fight him and slugged him and told my brother to run home. I was terrified I was going to be in trouble, but I'm guessing being slugged by a 3rd or 4th grade girl probably doesn't hurt much.
I feel good and worthy when I stick up for people...however I often get thrown under the bus by the "I don't want to get in the middle" people. Most of the time people say this after they have stirred the pot or started a fire on one side, so they are already in the middle. They just don't want to stick up for the other side, or they remember how much they hate confrontation and back off.
It seems to me that Hitler was a bully and look what trouble he caused.
I am a Child of God. I don't like to fight with people, but I will absolutely get fired up and defend what I believe is right. I'm not going to lay down and take people running over the top of me. I try to nicely set things up first, then I speak with more force, but don't be mistaken, I will fight back. I think that folks think I'm not going to fight because I get angry and then move on from my anger because staying angry just takes way too much energy. I believe that our enemy (Satan) gets a foothold every time someone says they don't want to be in the middle, or refuses to stand up for what is right. I'm even ok with an out and out argument if both people are fighting for what they believe in. I believe that an honest exchange, even if it's an emotional exchange, will often bring good results if each party is able to express their feelings and thoughts in a constructive way.
In any case, I'm taking a stress break tomorrow and Sunday and seeing some girlfriends I haven't spent time with since Michael and I married. I need a break from several stressful scenarios that have played out this week. I'm hoping that a couple days with friends will be relaxing. It will be weird though because I haven't camped away from Mike since we became a couple almost 2 years ago (June 11, 2016). He is totally cool with me going. In fact, he insisted. Now, to do paperwork so I can relax this weekend...
I hate bullies. Since I was a small child when I saw injustice I would stick up for the underdog. I was discouraged to do this by my parents, but it never stuck. I felt like I had the ability to dissect the situation and figure out who was truly at fault and who was being bullied and I didn't like it. One day, on the bus ride home from school a boy was picking on my brother. When we got off the bus this kid was going to fight him and slugged him and told my brother to run home. I was terrified I was going to be in trouble, but I'm guessing being slugged by a 3rd or 4th grade girl probably doesn't hurt much.
I feel good and worthy when I stick up for people...however I often get thrown under the bus by the "I don't want to get in the middle" people. Most of the time people say this after they have stirred the pot or started a fire on one side, so they are already in the middle. They just don't want to stick up for the other side, or they remember how much they hate confrontation and back off.
It seems to me that Hitler was a bully and look what trouble he caused.
I am a Child of God. I don't like to fight with people, but I will absolutely get fired up and defend what I believe is right. I'm not going to lay down and take people running over the top of me. I try to nicely set things up first, then I speak with more force, but don't be mistaken, I will fight back. I think that folks think I'm not going to fight because I get angry and then move on from my anger because staying angry just takes way too much energy. I believe that our enemy (Satan) gets a foothold every time someone says they don't want to be in the middle, or refuses to stand up for what is right. I'm even ok with an out and out argument if both people are fighting for what they believe in. I believe that an honest exchange, even if it's an emotional exchange, will often bring good results if each party is able to express their feelings and thoughts in a constructive way.
In any case, I'm taking a stress break tomorrow and Sunday and seeing some girlfriends I haven't spent time with since Michael and I married. I need a break from several stressful scenarios that have played out this week. I'm hoping that a couple days with friends will be relaxing. It will be weird though because I haven't camped away from Mike since we became a couple almost 2 years ago (June 11, 2016). He is totally cool with me going. In fact, he insisted. Now, to do paperwork so I can relax this weekend...
Sunday, May 20, 2018
Clarity
You know how sometimes you go through life be bopping along feeling like you are in the right path. You feel like you know where the Lord wants you to go and you're so happy that you feel almost silly with glee. For me, those are the times the rug seems to be yanked out from under me. I have always wondered if this happened because I had too much pride or got too cocky. Or if it happens because God wants me to go another direction and has to really get my attention but knocking me over. I still don't know the answer. I just know that it's in these minutes I feel heart sick and sad about events that transpire. I have also been questioning why people don't follow me when I lead. And why other people seem to thinking taking over is an acceptable solution when they aren't getting their way but have no actual authority. And none of this can ever be simple or easy because the person I need to lean on the most needs to be impartial.
So I pray for clarity. I want to do what God wants me to do. No one said this would be easy.
Happiness vs Pleasure sermon notes
John 10:14 I am the Good Shepherd. I know my sheep and they know me.
It's much easier seeing other people who are heading toward something stupid heading toward them than we are at spotting our own issues.
Usually with cowboys the thing we hear before things go wrong is "Hey watch this" crazy stuff. We should avoid these situations.
John 16:33. I have told you these things so that in me you can have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take heart I have overcome the world.
Peace equates to happiness.
These situations build our character. God allows these things to happen in our lives to build our faith. The reason we often undermine our own happiness is not knowing the difference between happiness and pleasure.
John 10:16. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, and have it abundantly.
Jesus is talking about ultimately happiness and peace. Someone, not just the devil, is trying to steal our peace and happiness. Someone is always after our peace and happiness
Who in our lives has the greatest capacity to steal our future, peace, relationship? The answer is us. We have the greatest potential to destroy our own future. We have to take responsibility. It's not everyone else's fault that things aren't going the way we want them to. It's my responsibility for letting my peace be taken away.
People who are musicians are our worse critics...this is so true. Max called it. We constantly beat ourselves up because we don't feel like we're good at it.
The common denominator in most things that have messed up is us. It's not anyone else. I Have been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks. I have realized that many of my choices on what I spend my time and money has been the cause of my misery. I have only so many hours in a day and I need to be more choosy about where I spend my resources. I have been questioning the why of how things happen and instead I need to question my choices that I make for me.
My pastors wife asked me if the people I was pursuing were Godly people. And they aren't. The people I have tried to chase down are not believers and they don't have my best interest at heart.
The good shepherd died for us to have happiness.
The thief doesn't want us to have happiness. Don't let Satan or other people steal our happiness.
Sheep aren't bright animals. They are baaaaddd. Lol. God knew what he was doing when he called his people sheep. He's telling us we are our own worse enemy.
We don't have to be believers to do stupid stuff.
God intended for us to experience pleasure. Happiness leads us to pleasure. Pleasure does not always make happiness.
Romans 6:16. Do you know if you offer yourself as a slave to someone else for obedience, you are slaves of the one you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?
Sin leads to death in our relationships and other areas of my life. If we follow Jesus we will ultimately have happiness and joy. We are not to be obedience or enslaved to our past. We are enslaved by that pleasure if it's sinful. What is it we reach for when we've had the worst day possible? That may be pleasure that is sinful. I had to laugh BC the pastor asked us this question and I thought wine and horses. Or maybe gin or tequila.
Is there a pleasure that is undermining my happiness, joy and peace? Have we become a slave to that pleasure?
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