I’m sitting here thinking about how much I like to write. Only now I am dictating over the iPad so I’m not sure it actually qualifies as writing. When I was a kid and a teenager are used to write all kinds of stories. My friends and I wrote some back-and-forth stories that kind of played out like soap operas because we were each certain characters and we never knew what the other person was going to do. I carried those stories around with me for years and years and I finally decided it was time to let them go. I kept one because it was my favorite and before I let them go I reread them. They were truly awful.
This leads me into wondering if anyone really reads my blog. Or if people read my blog did they get anything out of it. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t write it because it is therapeutic for me to write the thoughts and feelings down as they come. It’s much like my binge watching of the Waltons. Every time you saw John boy he was sitting at his window on his desk with his little brown glasses on writing something in his journal. And that journal eventually became a novel. I don’t know that I would ever write a novel. You’re always told to write what you know and if I wrote about all the people and things I’d like to write about I would probably get in a lot of trouble as people recognized themselves in the stories.
I was also thinking that John boy would’ve probably really enjoyed being able to sit back and talk to his iPad rather than have to dip his pen and ink because I’m pretty sure there weren’t any ball point pen‘s.
I am having surgery on my left hand for carpal tunnel and Westpalm for arthritis tomorrow morning. They tell me I will be in a splint for about two weeks and then I will have to undergo physical therapy but that 90% of people have a significant relief from the pain. This is super good news because my phone has been sore for over a year. I think I told the doctor it was a year but it seems like it was hurting even when I was back in Arlington. I would take breaks from playing the guitar and use the keyboard, played with my right hand, to give my thumb a break. Now that I am passionate about learning to play the banjo I really want this dumb thumb to be OK. Plus it keeps me from being able to knit and crochet and play the piano like I want to as well. Mostly it just aches all the time. The sad part is I can already tell my right thumb is going to need some attention eventually.
This leads me to thinking about my future. I have been in Musictherapy since 1991 and became a massage therapist in 2005. Both of these things require my thumbs. My whole hand really, but especially my thong. You can’t do friction and deep thumb pressure without a phone on massage client. It’s very hard to play the guitar the banjo without bracing the guitar on your thumb.
I have been feeling burned out at my current position. The things that I love about it are the flexibility and the ability to make my own schedule. The things I don’t like about it or having 15 to 20 different bosses and having to keep everyone happy as to their schedule. When I take off a day it usually upsets people. I have been thinking how nice it would be to have paid vacation so I could take off next week and just recover. I have also been thinking that I just want to do something different but I don’t know what it is. However, I don’t know what I could possibly do that would make anywhere as much money and give me the flexibility I want. I often wish I had become something else as a career so that I could keep my flexibility that make more money. When I listen to Dave Ramsey and I hear people talk about how they make over 150,000 per year I find myself jealous and wishing that could be me. There is some debt to pay off but my shovel is small and it’s taking way longer than I want it to.
I have also been pondering relationships in my life that I want to improve but have no power over. Yesterday I sent a message to my stepson‘s wife’s parents to try to talk to them about the differences that we are all having. Michael added to the message and we tried very hard to be cordial and kind but yet asked for answers. It is now been 36 hours and we have heard nothing back. I am thinking that for whatever reason they believe that the rift is all our fault. Obviously when there’s conflict there is always more than one person involved. But in this case the only thing I have actually Done wrong is marry Michael. Evidently there is some disgruntlement that inheritance will go awry and people who feel that they are entitled to this land and this home won’t get what is theirs. As far as I can tell it belongs to my husband and after he is gone it will belong to whoever he says it is to belong to. Even if I never develop a relationship with my stepson or his wife, if it is Michael’s desire that the land go to His son, then that is where it will go. I just want the opportunity to live out the rest of my life in peace. My daughter does not worry about what will happen to my things or my money. Partly because she knows there isn’t much. Partly because she knows that Michael will do by her as I would have done by her and help her in all things. I wish there were someway to resolve this ugly situation but we have given up. Not in a hateful way, but in a way that says come back when you’re ready we won’t bother you anymore for now. I find it truly upsetting to be pre-judge and sentenced before anyone had the opportunity to even know me. These decisions were made in people’s minds before I ever met them and those are the most overpowering thoughts that they have. All I can do is pray that I keep a good spirit and that they eventually come around.
There is another chapter ending as well. The little girl who used to ride with us has lost another friend. Her mother has gone off the deep end once again and cut her off from us again and from her best friend and her family. This is all because her mother was questioned about why she thought it was OK to leave 2 11-year-olds alone late at night by themselves. Evidently in the state of Texas there are no rules about how old or young a child can stay alone. It has to do with whether the child can take care of itself or not. So I guess the fact that she cut herself one night while alone and had to go to the ER didn’t count. Or that she didn’t know how to use the oven to make herself a pizza and then burned herself was actually OK. I am perplexed and confused by what people fine to be abuse. In my opinion, and in the opinion of everyone I’ve told the story to this child is being neglected, if not abused. But since she is not suicidal and because she has not been assaulted there is nothing to be done to help her. She’s been isolated and pulled out of school and not taught anything but because of our lenient homeschool laws nothing can be done to help her. I am all for lenient homeschool laws. I homeschooled my daughter and it worked out pretty well. But I can’t understand why it’s OK to leave your kids alone all day and part of the evening with new school work, no phone, no Internet and just a bunch of video games for entertainment . Maybe that’s not actually abuse but it seems like it ought to be considered neglect. Evidently somebody else felt the way I do because CPS was called yet again but what I hear is nothing is going to be done because she is the perfect mother and the child says she is not abused.
I am not normally this bold or this negative in my blog posts. I am sure that the people I about will know who they are and there could be some fallout. I’m prepared. I am tired of hiding because I don’t want to offend anyone. There is a right and a wrong in the world and if God is telling me to stand up for myself and for others who can’t stand up for themselves I need to listen and do His bidding.
I have a whole other discussion about how we know if we’re doing what God wants us to do or not. However, I have paperwork to do before tomorrow’s surgery and I don’t have time to wax philosophical about this subject anymore tonight.
As always if you find errors I apologize. It was a voice dictation after all.