Saturday, February 24, 2018

Making a change

I am once again realizing how hard it is to get people to see you the way you see yourself. Somehow I have left people with the idea that because I am gregarious that I am less business like.  What I find interesting is that I know people who are very least or more talkative than I am, but they don't  have the same reputation. 

I want to quit caring about how other people see me. I want to be the person outwardly I am inside. I don't like to feel uncertain of myself. I am actually pretty comfortable with myself but then when I exhibit my confidence and competence I end up running up against resistance. It's as though I am threatening when I'm confident and sure. I find myself wondering why people feel like they can question me about things that I know are correct. I don't mean normal dialog but actual confrontation when I don't have the same agenda. 

What makes one person more respected than another? I wish there was a class I could take to learn how to be more respected and for my words to carry more weight. Over the years I have grown quieter and quieter but people still find me to be overly chatty. After awhile I had to say that this is who I am, take me or leave me. Now I just need to learn not to care. 

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Today’s sermon notes—Who’s your daddy?

Pascal said God created man in his own image. And then we returned the favor. 

Be imitators of me just as I also am of Christ. 1 Corinthians 11:1

Who or what does your life say is your God?   For me it used to be horses. Or my animals. Since marrying Mike and coming to Boots N Saddles my heart has changed and I hopefully am more on track to be able to answer this question as Jesus. At least that's what I hope that people who know me would say if they spent time following me around. God first   Michael second and everything else after that. 

Exodus 19:18-19
Exodus 20.  The Ten Commandments. 

Our God is a jealous but just God. He wants us to only follow him with no other Gods. 

If the evidence points toward christ as the center of our lives then great. If not we need to reassess our lives and go from there. 

A good thing that has made it to the ultimate thing becomes a bad thing 

Romans 5:1. Therefore just was one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned. 

John 5:19. 

In other news. 
Last night I had the oddest dream. I wanted to try to write it down here but it's so disjointed that I can't even explain it. But it ended with an escape and an explosion and I woke up with my heart racing. I only slept about 3 hours last night because my heart would not stop pounding. 

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

A problem with relationships

Kevin's sermon today. 

Matthew 7:12-The golden rule 
Matthew 7:7-12 sums up the law of the prophets 

Treat others the way you want others to treat you. We all fall short but this is the ultimate calling. It demonstrates our relationship with God if we treat others the way we want them to treat us. 

Matthew 23:22

Exodus 22:21 do not wrong a stranger or oppress him. For you were strangers in the land of Egypt. 

We have to look past the things people have done in their past. The last thing we want is for people to remind me of all the stupid things I've done in my past. It doesn't mean that we don't rebuke in the name of God but that should wait till we have all the info before we assume we know their hearts. 

Romans 8:7-8. 

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Seasonal affective disorder

 I have had the feelings of overwhelming dread and stress for going on several days now. This is unusual for me and I do not welcome these feelings. Not that anyone does but I have this overwhelming sense of stress that I just can't shake. It only just occurred to me today that I am being afflicted with SAD or seasonal affective disorder. I'm sure that all of the days of clouds and rain and cold and being indoors have negatively impacted my vitamin D stores.   In my head I know all of this worry is ridiculous but in my gut I can't let it go.   

It probably doesn't help that Walgreens ran out of my thyroid medicine and did not bother to tell me. So, that by the time I found out that it was unavailable I had already been without it for several days.  Thanks to Gatesville drug company, who had some extra on hand, I at least have some for two weeks. I have learned that the manufacturer had a retooling of their plant and a slow down but that for whatever reason Walgreens did not know this or tell me this ahead of time so that I could obtain a new prescription prior to running out of medication. It has occurred to me that I should do business with Gatesville drug on an ongoing basis. 

 I had planned to start my new routine of days to see  cornets this week. Only sub freezing temperatures, the likes of which we have not seen in a few years, put us to a virtual hold on the ranch. Water froze, pipes froze, no showers or obtainable for several days. So today, on the first pretty day I finally got out to see people only to find that I had several pressing pieces of paperwork that had to be done yesterday. Work stress gets me because everybody wants what they want when they want it or before and I feel like I'm a hamster on a treadmill. 

There is just so much to do. I don't feel like I can ever get it all done. I want to climb in a hole and do none of it but of course that will just stress me out more. I do deep breathing. I use essential oils. I drink wine and other fine spirits. I exercise. Nothing seems to take it away. I partially blame how plugged in we are as a society. There is no escape. There is no peace or isolation. There is just being bombarded by demands all the time. I also blame my chosen line of work. Being self employed means flexibility in some ways, but it also means a lack of routine which I seem to crave more and more as I get older. I used to love being free but now I almost wish I had a place to go to work and some expectation of what each day would bring. 

I'm the cause if a lot of my trouble. I need to learn to tell people what I need more. I am guilty of feeling guilty when I don't take care of everyone before me. I must learn to say no and tell people flat out when I'm feeling bitchy. I don't have to spend each day trying to prove how nice I am. Sometimes I feel nice and sometimes I don't. I'm human. For the first time in my adult life I have people who treat me with the love they claim to hold for me. I don't have to prove it. I don't have to worry they won't love me tomorrow because they do. 

I need to learn to turn off. Some days it seems like the work just never stops. I need to learn to turn it off. 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Difficult Times

I have had a common theme in my last few weeks. I have lost a horse, my favorite dog got hit by a car and I lost my little horse riding  sidekick. Why or how is too complicated, convoluted, and inconceivable to even write down. When I look back st the last few weeks I’m scarcely sure how I arrived here. Mostly I’m just sad because I’ll miss my friend. Then I’m sad because whenever I have given the best of myself and people turn it into the worst I find that to be incredibly painful and disheartening. I am human and I make mistakes. In this case my biggest mistake was being honest and confessing something I should not have confessed. I had thought that coming clean would allow a new beginning but it just fell under the category of TMI.

Throughout all this I have been called to love someone whose behavior I don’t like. Christ calls us to love the unloveable. Even though I am despised I still feel love for my sidekick and I try to look through the situation and love her mom as well. Despite the fact that I have been called names and labeled selfish and worse I’m going to take a moment to look at the facts. When I do this I know that I really did act out of love. I’m human and I’m fallible. I would change some things if I could. But there is no room to go back. Only to go forward.

In many ways life will be easier to go back to just Mike and me. He is the most precious person to me in the world and I love every moment we have together. I had just started putting myself back out there and making friends. Time to regroup and heal and then forge ahead.

I am going to knit. 

Sunday, November 5, 2017

In God's Hands

I'm so glad that I have God's love to wash over me. The last week has been so hard.  So hard.  It started with losing Patti and ended with losing the little girl who had been riding with us.  I can not bear to rehash the details again but I also know that I don't apologize for standing up for my boundaries.  In the end the child is the one losing.  I have gone over and over in my mind and heart and prayers and I don't see how I could have done this any differently.  I wish I could have found a way.

There is a song from JJ Heller that I was introduced to at church and I love it dearly.  It's called Your Hands and the lyrics go like this:

"Your Hands"

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Morning thoughts

I'm sitting in bed all snug and warm on this pleasantly chilly morning.  I watched the Middle for the week and I decided I'd linger here through one episode of the Waltons.  I'm enjoying my daily marathon.  I find it's very quiet and peaceful watching the Waltons. It's slow and I can often accomplish other things while it's on.  

I'm watching an episode of the Waltons where Yancy has been put in jail because he may have shot someone.  Instead of being upset he is ok with being in jail. He knows he didn't shoot the guy, he knows there is no proof. His community comes to see him in jail and brings him food and he has a warm place to sleep.  He says there is a worse place to spend the Depression and everything will work out sooner or later.  mike lives by this philosophy a lot.  I wish I was as good at waiting for things to work out as he is.  I fret and I stew over things.  I worry and then everything works out, just like Mike and God promise and then I feel silly.  

Today on my facebook post memories something came up a thing I saw on Dr. Oz last year (when I was sick like I have been this week—funny about the timing.  Must be that ragweed time of year again ). It was about how girlfriends are so important and how we should hang out with our girlfriends every week.  I admit to missing a little girlfriend time.  It occurred to me that in the first year of marriage, it has been completely normal to only hang out with mike...and I have...and I haven't missed having friends much to do things with. But over the last month I have noticed myself opening up more to making new friends. I have had friends this last year, but suddenly I'm starting to crave that time I hadn't had with my friends again.  I believe this is good, and normal and I'm glad to see us both moving this direction.  Michael has gone fishing today with his buddy.  I had hoped to go trail riding with someone today but my riding friends had to work and honestly I have stuff I need to accomplish here. It's funny (and I digress) but I'm not good at being useful and doing my own thing when Mike is here at home. I want to hang out where he is and I often wander off of my many tasks.  

I have been thinking about the sense of community that is lost with today's social media. People mistakenly think that their social needs are fulfilled by posting and reading facebook.  We text, but we don't talk. I don't call people like I might because I know I'm chatty and I'm respecting other's desire to not be so chatty.  I find myself wanting the closeness to pal around with a gf but then I also know that we aren't children anymore and we don't have that kind of time.  I have made a few closer friends here and I am so happy that I have. My church has been awesome and I feel more and more welcome each week. 

 All this said when I look back at old facebook memories I still have regrets for the people I have lost. I will name them and hope that maybe someday they will come around and we can talk out our differences.  I miss that Christa and I used to be best friends. I introduced her to her husband. Things didn't go the way I expected and I was sometimes unhappy with the direction they were going. I've been really sad that they no longer live here and that I no longer get to see her but I see how happy she is and that's all I have ever wanted for her.  I know I have not always been the friend she needed, but she has not always been the friend I needed either. I think it's time to just move on and find a new path and I realize that may be without this friend that I hold dear and miss, but that may be how it is.  

Another is Kricket...I have no idea what happened there. We traveled together and we had a lot of fun. Then one day I was unfriended and no longer talks to me.  Well, I have some idea and it's nothing I can control so I had to let it go.  It seems like it all started one February day when all my friends went riding while I was gone.  Even Kricket who doesn't really hang out with that crowd.  After that weekend that group had kicked me off the island.  At the time I was so hurt and so angry. When I tried to discuss it with someone in the group I was told they could do what they wanted and didn't need my permission.  At the time I was so hurt and angry and I tried so hard to talk to people about it, but no one was talking.  It has been 18 months so now I'm ready to let it go, come clean and just shed those who have hurt me. I can look back and see both sides a little more, but I still scoff at some of the stories I have heard said about why they quit talking to me.  Things like, they needed to take time for themselves and I was being too emotionally needy.  Truth was, I was pretty happy and having fun and I was talking to them about the fun and my galavanting.  True, the people I galavanted with turned out to be losers, but for the most part I was just sewing some wild oats.  The truth is that many of these people liked what I could do for them. When I moved on in life I wasn't as useful.  I was physically further away. I was making my own way. I was being selfish and thinking of myself.  I admit to all these things. I became free to truly be me and maybe that wasn't as likable to those folks as the old me had been. 

 I finally snapped and quit caring this summer when the group had a party. They invited my child to their party. They invited everyone under the sun to their party but conspicuously left me out.  I was so angry and so hurt.  Honestly I wouldn't have gone anyway as I had other plans, but just the idea that they had included Maggie but not me was just a little too much.  It finally made me realize that the more you do for some people the less they appreciate and care about you.  One of the people had stopped being my friend because she says I told her secrets.  I have told her over and over that I didn't and I don't even know which 'secrets' I supposedly told...I have also been told that "everyone" knows these secrets so they clearly aren't secret anymore.  I don't even know who I supposedly spilled the beans too.  The worst part about  all this is that they have chosen this woman that they have known for just a few years over me, who they have known much longer. I came to realize that if this group of people could truly believe these awful things about me (and there were so many things that they thought and gossiped about that I still can hardly believe it) that I had no desire to be in the group anymore.  (Insert words to the song "somebody that I used to know " here). I finally unfollowed them all from Fb b/c I just don' want to see posts about how they are the three musketeers or how witty and funny they all think they are.  My life has become infinitely more peaceful as I carry on my existence and don't consider them in my days.  I would never dream of burdening these folks with personal thoughts or intimate feelings since they consider me such an emotional burden.  It's funny BC I was an emotional wreck for close to 8 or the last 10 years and these folks were my friends through a large chunk of it. then I got out and got happy and then I became the emotional burden.  Maggie always used to say that she could tell that because we were all so tight and loved each other so much that the fall was going to be ugly.  And it was.  

I have hesitated to write about any of this because I didn't want to give those folks the satisfaction of knowing they'd hurt me or upset me. But I realized that until I committed it to "paper" I wouldn't be completely free of it.  Writing this has been cathartic and has helped me remove the last vestiges of anger and longing. I have regret that we are no longer friends, but it's more of a function of them and not me. I never left. They walked away.  It makes me sad because I really loved them and I never intentionally did anything to hurt any of them. 

This weekend I'm doing something I have always wanted to do and something my friend Silke has always wanted to do.  We are going to the beach to ride horses with another couple who also rides.  Silke is cooking up a mess of food and we are going to have such a good time. The weather is going to be in the 80's so not too hot and not too cold.  I am pretty sure that I am taking Joe Bob this weekend. I figure that though he is tall, he will be more comfortable to sit on bareback. I found out he's never been to the beach but that he loves the water.  

Of course, I need to get moving on this day so I can accomplish something so I guess that I will wrap it up.  I have a small list of things to do. I want to clean up my office and ready the space so I can do some fall sewing projects. I need to feed the horses and the cow and pack my clothes for my trip to the beach.  We leave on Friday at nine.  

Bandit says hello. Silly schnauzer face...