Sunday, November 12, 2017

Difficult Times

I have had a common theme in my last few weeks. I have lost a horse, my favorite dog got hit by a car and I lost my little horse riding  sidekick. Why or how is too complicated, convoluted, and inconceivable to even write down. When I look back st the last few weeks I’m scarcely sure how I arrived here. Mostly I’m just sad because I’ll miss my friend. Then I’m sad because whenever I have given the best of myself and people turn it into the worst I find that to be incredibly painful and disheartening. I am human and I make mistakes. In this case my biggest mistake was being honest and confessing something I should not have confessed. I had thought that coming clean would allow a new beginning but it just fell under the category of TMI.

Throughout all this I have been called to love someone whose behavior I don’t like. Christ calls us to love the unloveable. Even though I am despised I still feel love for my sidekick and I try to look through the situation and love her mom as well. Despite the fact that I have been called names and labeled selfish and worse I’m going to take a moment to look at the facts. When I do this I know that I really did act out of love. I’m human and I’m fallible. I would change some things if I could. But there is no room to go back. Only to go forward.

In many ways life will be easier to go back to just Mike and me. He is the most precious person to me in the world and I love every moment we have together. I had just started putting myself back out there and making friends. Time to regroup and heal and then forge ahead.

I am going to knit. 

Sunday, November 5, 2017

In God's Hands

I'm so glad that I have God's love to wash over me. The last week has been so hard.  So hard.  It started with losing Patti and ended with losing the little girl who had been riding with us.  I can not bear to rehash the details again but I also know that I don't apologize for standing up for my boundaries.  In the end the child is the one losing.  I have gone over and over in my mind and heart and prayers and I don't see how I could have done this any differently.  I wish I could have found a way.

There is a song from JJ Heller that I was introduced to at church and I love it dearly.  It's called Your Hands and the lyrics go like this:

"Your Hands"

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Morning thoughts

I'm sitting in bed all snug and warm on this pleasantly chilly morning.  I watched the Middle for the week and I decided I'd linger here through one episode of the Waltons.  I'm enjoying my daily marathon.  I find it's very quiet and peaceful watching the Waltons. It's slow and I can often accomplish other things while it's on.  

I'm watching an episode of the Waltons where Yancy has been put in jail because he may have shot someone.  Instead of being upset he is ok with being in jail. He knows he didn't shoot the guy, he knows there is no proof. His community comes to see him in jail and brings him food and he has a warm place to sleep.  He says there is a worse place to spend the Depression and everything will work out sooner or later.  mike lives by this philosophy a lot.  I wish I was as good at waiting for things to work out as he is.  I fret and I stew over things.  I worry and then everything works out, just like Mike and God promise and then I feel silly.  

Today on my facebook post memories something came up a thing I saw on Dr. Oz last year (when I was sick like I have been this week—funny about the timing.  Must be that ragweed time of year again ). It was about how girlfriends are so important and how we should hang out with our girlfriends every week.  I admit to missing a little girlfriend time.  It occurred to me that in the first year of marriage, it has been completely normal to only hang out with mike...and I have...and I haven't missed having friends much to do things with. But over the last month I have noticed myself opening up more to making new friends. I have had friends this last year, but suddenly I'm starting to crave that time I hadn't had with my friends again.  I believe this is good, and normal and I'm glad to see us both moving this direction.  Michael has gone fishing today with his buddy.  I had hoped to go trail riding with someone today but my riding friends had to work and honestly I have stuff I need to accomplish here. It's funny (and I digress) but I'm not good at being useful and doing my own thing when Mike is here at home. I want to hang out where he is and I often wander off of my many tasks.  

I have been thinking about the sense of community that is lost with today's social media. People mistakenly think that their social needs are fulfilled by posting and reading facebook.  We text, but we don't talk. I don't call people like I might because I know I'm chatty and I'm respecting other's desire to not be so chatty.  I find myself wanting the closeness to pal around with a gf but then I also know that we aren't children anymore and we don't have that kind of time.  I have made a few closer friends here and I am so happy that I have. My church has been awesome and I feel more and more welcome each week. 

 All this said when I look back at old facebook memories I still have regrets for the people I have lost. I will name them and hope that maybe someday they will come around and we can talk out our differences.  I miss that Christa and I used to be best friends. I introduced her to her husband. Things didn't go the way I expected and I was sometimes unhappy with the direction they were going. I've been really sad that they no longer live here and that I no longer get to see her but I see how happy she is and that's all I have ever wanted for her.  I know I have not always been the friend she needed, but she has not always been the friend I needed either. I think it's time to just move on and find a new path and I realize that may be without this friend that I hold dear and miss, but that may be how it is.  

Another is Kricket...I have no idea what happened there. We traveled together and we had a lot of fun. Then one day I was unfriended and no longer talks to me.  Well, I have some idea and it's nothing I can control so I had to let it go.  It seems like it all started one February day when all my friends went riding while I was gone.  Even Kricket who doesn't really hang out with that crowd.  After that weekend that group had kicked me off the island.  At the time I was so hurt and so angry. When I tried to discuss it with someone in the group I was told they could do what they wanted and didn't need my permission.  At the time I was so hurt and angry and I tried so hard to talk to people about it, but no one was talking.  It has been 18 months so now I'm ready to let it go, come clean and just shed those who have hurt me. I can look back and see both sides a little more, but I still scoff at some of the stories I have heard said about why they quit talking to me.  Things like, they needed to take time for themselves and I was being too emotionally needy.  Truth was, I was pretty happy and having fun and I was talking to them about the fun and my galavanting.  True, the people I galavanted with turned out to be losers, but for the most part I was just sewing some wild oats.  The truth is that many of these people liked what I could do for them. When I moved on in life I wasn't as useful.  I was physically further away. I was making my own way. I was being selfish and thinking of myself.  I admit to all these things. I became free to truly be me and maybe that wasn't as likable to those folks as the old me had been. 

 I finally snapped and quit caring this summer when the group had a party. They invited my child to their party. They invited everyone under the sun to their party but conspicuously left me out.  I was so angry and so hurt.  Honestly I wouldn't have gone anyway as I had other plans, but just the idea that they had included Maggie but not me was just a little too much.  It finally made me realize that the more you do for some people the less they appreciate and care about you.  One of the people had stopped being my friend because she says I told her secrets.  I have told her over and over that I didn't and I don't even know which 'secrets' I supposedly told...I have also been told that "everyone" knows these secrets so they clearly aren't secret anymore.  I don't even know who I supposedly spilled the beans too.  The worst part about  all this is that they have chosen this woman that they have known for just a few years over me, who they have known much longer. I came to realize that if this group of people could truly believe these awful things about me (and there were so many things that they thought and gossiped about that I still can hardly believe it) that I had no desire to be in the group anymore.  (Insert words to the song "somebody that I used to know " here). I finally unfollowed them all from Fb b/c I just don' want to see posts about how they are the three musketeers or how witty and funny they all think they are.  My life has become infinitely more peaceful as I carry on my existence and don't consider them in my days.  I would never dream of burdening these folks with personal thoughts or intimate feelings since they consider me such an emotional burden.  It's funny BC I was an emotional wreck for close to 8 or the last 10 years and these folks were my friends through a large chunk of it. then I got out and got happy and then I became the emotional burden.  Maggie always used to say that she could tell that because we were all so tight and loved each other so much that the fall was going to be ugly.  And it was.  

I have hesitated to write about any of this because I didn't want to give those folks the satisfaction of knowing they'd hurt me or upset me. But I realized that until I committed it to "paper" I wouldn't be completely free of it.  Writing this has been cathartic and has helped me remove the last vestiges of anger and longing. I have regret that we are no longer friends, but it's more of a function of them and not me. I never left. They walked away.  It makes me sad because I really loved them and I never intentionally did anything to hurt any of them. 

This weekend I'm doing something I have always wanted to do and something my friend Silke has always wanted to do.  We are going to the beach to ride horses with another couple who also rides.  Silke is cooking up a mess of food and we are going to have such a good time. The weather is going to be in the 80's so not too hot and not too cold.  I am pretty sure that I am taking Joe Bob this weekend. I figure that though he is tall, he will be more comfortable to sit on bareback. I found out he's never been to the beach but that he loves the water.  

Of course, I need to get moving on this day so I can accomplish something so I guess that I will wrap it up.  I have a small list of things to do. I want to clean up my office and ready the space so I can do some fall sewing projects. I need to feed the horses and the cow and pack my clothes for my trip to the beach.  We leave on Friday at nine.  

Bandit says hello. Silly schnauzer face...

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Why oh why

I am whining to my blog instead of Facebook because I know that fewer people read this and I'm not trying so much as to garner sympathy as to whine. I just want to feel better and understand why I feel so bad. I'm beginning to think I have had the flu somehow though it seems too early. My symptoms were all chest and body achy and not cold like. I thought it was allergies at first. But then once I got to taking a z pack (obtained through 😷  gotten means) I'm feeling better. Except for the diarrhea as a result of the z pack. I know way too much information. 

Last night I slept much better and work up feeling not so bad. I refrain from saying I felt good but I didn't feel like I was dying anymore. However after I took my computer to my office, thinking I felt good enough to actually accomplish something, I quickly became disabused if that notion.  My head still hurts and my body still aches. I have that fluy feeling in my head. I'm setting alarms for myself to drink every 20 minutes in case I'm just dehydrated. My skin is a little tenty. My cough is still ugly but looser. 

I do know I'm at the end of being sick. I just want the end to be over. 

On the positive side I'm a little hungry today. I just made the Pillsbury orange rolls I've had in the fridge. Another positive is that I have lost 4 pounds this week and reset my appetite in ways I couldn't have done if I"d been trying.  So, now I will honor the smaller stomach.  Of course, I also decided to quit logging my food one week ago so I have no idea if I have eaten right not.

I have been watching the Waltons and the theme song and the sound of John Boys voice are stuck in my head.  I was dismayed that they left out the last 2 episodes of the 1st season which was when Olivia got Polio. I suspect the waltons was part of why I was fascinated with that disease as a kid. I remember getting my sugar cub treatment when I was little and then reading about it in the encyclopedia. Now I periodically read about it online. I remember my 2 favorite areas of the 1976 Encyclodia Britanica was about Leprosy and b/c of the Bible and the other b/c of The Waltons. 

 I have been observing how loose the details were in that show as well.  It started in about 1934 and they do name certain historical events I didn't know anything about.  In the last week I have read about the CCC, the gold act (where people had to turn in their gold coins) and the WPA. I am seeing how FDR was a socialist but he was able to get the country going again.  I find myself wondering if or how that could work today and I don't see how it could.  Obviously I didn't live in that time, but I just don't see Americans banding together like they did in the depression to fix the money issue America was having. Of course, I also wonder if the war wasn't the real reason the depression ended all over the world.  I wish there were some way to study historical events from different perspectives so that an "honest" point of view could be help. OR at least if commentary was given in a more neutral way, it would be interesting to see who was "right". I like to see all sides of a conflict and make up my own mind.

It seems like I would like to write more, but then again I'm not sure I should. I am mulling over things in my mind that I am not ready to commit to paper so will them for another time.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Moving on...

This has been an ugly week of sickness and coughing. I missed an entire week of work because of cough and fever and possible flu. And I really thought I'd be ok by today but tonight I spiked a new fever. I'm frustrated because I went to the doctor on Tuesday for a follow up on my arm and I was already sick. I asked the doctor to check my chest and I told him that though my temp was only 98.6 that it was high for me and that my normal temp is 97.7. He did not listen to me or take any of that into account. I guess he couldn't check me out for something else since I was there for my arm. I will be changing doctors when this is over because I'm pretty sure I have had pneumonia the whole time. I have resorted to bourbon for my cough, muscinex and hot showers to feel better.  

On Thursday of this week I received a text from my boss  asking me to clean out my room because my arm isn't healing as fast as we'd hoped. Actually the doctor reported that it was more painful than he'd expect and the chip looks worse on the X-ray but that my strength and ROM are good. There is no reason for me to quit massaging. In fact I give massages to my handicapped kids all the time and this is not an issue. . To receive a text when I was already down and out was pretty discouraging. 

I've been told I can return once I'm healed. I suspect I won't. I can fill in if they need me but honestly i prefer to not be on call. I hate having to get ready for work at 9am even if I have no clients. because I might have clients. I don't mind a bit to have someone scheduled and then hang out but I have done it. I loved working there but I'm never going to be the Ft person she really needs or wants. I just have ever so much more pressure BC there aren't going to be weeks where I can make extra money. 

So now I pick up some new clients. I add to my outcalls. I see more yes waiver and Dssw clients. I spend more time with my husband. This makes me happy. 

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Random bloggy thoughts.

I saw my daughter Monday and we got to ride together just before my lungs disintegrated into a phlegmy mess of bronchitis. We were helping Teresa get ready for galloping Goblins in a few weeks. I'm excited because I get to be senior judge again and I feel like I've done a good job this time of making up some bang up obstacles. I have them all written up and we are on our way. 

I have been pondering my past friendships again. I have been imagining the words I would say. I even started to write a letter to one of the girls. I started and stopped half a dozen times. It won't matter. On one hand I'd like to talk it out and fix it but noe the trust is destroyed on both sides. I don't see how any of us can go back. I did send a message to one friend telling her I was thinking of her and that I missed her. It's been a year since she went dark. She's not coming back. 

Someone told me recently that they didn't think I had a mean bone in my body. I'd like to think she's right and I know in my heart that I did nothing harmful to any of these people. If they choose to believe I would hurt them in any way or if they have allowed themselves to be manipulated then I can't chsnge that. I am sad that this is true. I hate to even admit that I still miss them because some of them may take a weird pleasure in knowing I still miss them. 

I'm so happy now that I try to think about what I was like then. I know I was lonely so I leaned on my people. And they let me down. During that time I turned to God and the God brought me Michael.  Now I have a new church and a new home and I'm happier than I have ever been. I know that in the coming months I am going to let some people down as I take care of me and my family. I am trying to do what's best for us and make those decisions even if they aren't popular. I have peace in my heart. 

Additionally we have been blessed with a borrowed child. She is coming with us to some riding events and she is riding Dixie. They seem to like each other. 

Monday, September 25, 2017

Angry with no outlet

 I hate it when things go wrong in a cascade and there is nothing to be done. We are working very hard to keep our ship sailing straight and it is very annoying when other people interfere with that journey. Right now someone owes us money. Actually, a couple people away. One of them was my fault. I sent an invoice late and so it was not processed and now I am waiting for the company to pay  me. The other is not our fault. We have done work and we have turned in the invoices and yet we are not paid.  And when I try to find out when I will be paid I am not answered. And I don't dare to truly upset this person because we need the job to continue. I do believe that we will eventually be paid but the people I owe money to and would like to be paid now.  It does not help that my arm has kept me from working as much. I have thought to keep my massage load  light for now but it doesn't appear that this is going to be possible. We have another options and we are exploring them but it would make life so much easier if I could just count on the money we are earning to come when it supposed to.  I know that God will take care of us. And I also know that by this time next month the ship will be straight and sailing again.