Sunday, November 12, 2017

Difficult Times

I have had a common theme in my last few weeks. I have lost a horse, my favorite dog got hit by a car and I lost my little horse riding  sidekick. Why or how is too complicated, convoluted, and inconceivable to even write down. When I look back st the last few weeks I’m scarcely sure how I arrived here. Mostly I’m just sad because I’ll miss my friend. Then I’m sad because whenever I have given the best of myself and people turn it into the worst I find that to be incredibly painful and disheartening. I am human and I make mistakes. In this case my biggest mistake was being honest and confessing something I should not have confessed. I had thought that coming clean would allow a new beginning but it just fell under the category of TMI.

Throughout all this I have been called to love someone whose behavior I don’t like. Christ calls us to love the unloveable. Even though I am despised I still feel love for my sidekick and I try to look through the situation and love her mom as well. Despite the fact that I have been called names and labeled selfish and worse I’m going to take a moment to look at the facts. When I do this I know that I really did act out of love. I’m human and I’m fallible. I would change some things if I could. But there is no room to go back. Only to go forward.

In many ways life will be easier to go back to just Mike and me. He is the most precious person to me in the world and I love every moment we have together. I had just started putting myself back out there and making friends. Time to regroup and heal and then forge ahead.

I am going to knit. 

Sunday, November 5, 2017

In God's Hands

I'm so glad that I have God's love to wash over me. The last week has been so hard.  So hard.  It started with losing Patti and ended with losing the little girl who had been riding with us.  I can not bear to rehash the details again but I also know that I don't apologize for standing up for my boundaries.  In the end the child is the one losing.  I have gone over and over in my mind and heart and prayers and I don't see how I could have done this any differently.  I wish I could have found a way.

There is a song from JJ Heller that I was introduced to at church and I love it dearly.  It's called Your Hands and the lyrics go like this:

"Your Hands"

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking 
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Morning thoughts

I'm sitting in bed all snug and warm on this pleasantly chilly morning.  I watched the Middle for the week and I decided I'd linger here through one episode of the Waltons.  I'm enjoying my daily marathon.  I find it's very quiet and peaceful watching the Waltons. It's slow and I can often accomplish other things while it's on.  

I'm watching an episode of the Waltons where Yancy has been put in jail because he may have shot someone.  Instead of being upset he is ok with being in jail. He knows he didn't shoot the guy, he knows there is no proof. His community comes to see him in jail and brings him food and he has a warm place to sleep.  He says there is a worse place to spend the Depression and everything will work out sooner or later.  mike lives by this philosophy a lot.  I wish I was as good at waiting for things to work out as he is.  I fret and I stew over things.  I worry and then everything works out, just like Mike and God promise and then I feel silly.  

Today on my facebook post memories something came up a thing I saw on Dr. Oz last year (when I was sick like I have been this week—funny about the timing.  Must be that ragweed time of year again ). It was about how girlfriends are so important and how we should hang out with our girlfriends every week.  I admit to missing a little girlfriend time.  It occurred to me that in the first year of marriage, it has been completely normal to only hang out with mike...and I have...and I haven't missed having friends much to do things with. But over the last month I have noticed myself opening up more to making new friends. I have had friends this last year, but suddenly I'm starting to crave that time I hadn't had with my friends again.  I believe this is good, and normal and I'm glad to see us both moving this direction.  Michael has gone fishing today with his buddy.  I had hoped to go trail riding with someone today but my riding friends had to work and honestly I have stuff I need to accomplish here. It's funny (and I digress) but I'm not good at being useful and doing my own thing when Mike is here at home. I want to hang out where he is and I often wander off of my many tasks.  

I have been thinking about the sense of community that is lost with today's social media. People mistakenly think that their social needs are fulfilled by posting and reading facebook.  We text, but we don't talk. I don't call people like I might because I know I'm chatty and I'm respecting other's desire to not be so chatty.  I find myself wanting the closeness to pal around with a gf but then I also know that we aren't children anymore and we don't have that kind of time.  I have made a few closer friends here and I am so happy that I have. My church has been awesome and I feel more and more welcome each week. 

 All this said when I look back at old facebook memories I still have regrets for the people I have lost. I will name them and hope that maybe someday they will come around and we can talk out our differences.  I miss that Christa and I used to be best friends. I introduced her to her husband. Things didn't go the way I expected and I was sometimes unhappy with the direction they were going. I've been really sad that they no longer live here and that I no longer get to see her but I see how happy she is and that's all I have ever wanted for her.  I know I have not always been the friend she needed, but she has not always been the friend I needed either. I think it's time to just move on and find a new path and I realize that may be without this friend that I hold dear and miss, but that may be how it is.  

Another is Kricket...I have no idea what happened there. We traveled together and we had a lot of fun. Then one day I was unfriended and no longer talks to me.  Well, I have some idea and it's nothing I can control so I had to let it go.  It seems like it all started one February day when all my friends went riding while I was gone.  Even Kricket who doesn't really hang out with that crowd.  After that weekend that group had kicked me off the island.  At the time I was so hurt and so angry. When I tried to discuss it with someone in the group I was told they could do what they wanted and didn't need my permission.  At the time I was so hurt and angry and I tried so hard to talk to people about it, but no one was talking.  It has been 18 months so now I'm ready to let it go, come clean and just shed those who have hurt me. I can look back and see both sides a little more, but I still scoff at some of the stories I have heard said about why they quit talking to me.  Things like, they needed to take time for themselves and I was being too emotionally needy.  Truth was, I was pretty happy and having fun and I was talking to them about the fun and my galavanting.  True, the people I galavanted with turned out to be losers, but for the most part I was just sewing some wild oats.  The truth is that many of these people liked what I could do for them. When I moved on in life I wasn't as useful.  I was physically further away. I was making my own way. I was being selfish and thinking of myself.  I admit to all these things. I became free to truly be me and maybe that wasn't as likable to those folks as the old me had been. 

 I finally snapped and quit caring this summer when the group had a party. They invited my child to their party. They invited everyone under the sun to their party but conspicuously left me out.  I was so angry and so hurt.  Honestly I wouldn't have gone anyway as I had other plans, but just the idea that they had included Maggie but not me was just a little too much.  It finally made me realize that the more you do for some people the less they appreciate and care about you.  One of the people had stopped being my friend because she says I told her secrets.  I have told her over and over that I didn't and I don't even know which 'secrets' I supposedly told...I have also been told that "everyone" knows these secrets so they clearly aren't secret anymore.  I don't even know who I supposedly spilled the beans too.  The worst part about  all this is that they have chosen this woman that they have known for just a few years over me, who they have known much longer. I came to realize that if this group of people could truly believe these awful things about me (and there were so many things that they thought and gossiped about that I still can hardly believe it) that I had no desire to be in the group anymore.  (Insert words to the song "somebody that I used to know " here). I finally unfollowed them all from Fb b/c I just don' want to see posts about how they are the three musketeers or how witty and funny they all think they are.  My life has become infinitely more peaceful as I carry on my existence and don't consider them in my days.  I would never dream of burdening these folks with personal thoughts or intimate feelings since they consider me such an emotional burden.  It's funny BC I was an emotional wreck for close to 8 or the last 10 years and these folks were my friends through a large chunk of it. then I got out and got happy and then I became the emotional burden.  Maggie always used to say that she could tell that because we were all so tight and loved each other so much that the fall was going to be ugly.  And it was.  

I have hesitated to write about any of this because I didn't want to give those folks the satisfaction of knowing they'd hurt me or upset me. But I realized that until I committed it to "paper" I wouldn't be completely free of it.  Writing this has been cathartic and has helped me remove the last vestiges of anger and longing. I have regret that we are no longer friends, but it's more of a function of them and not me. I never left. They walked away.  It makes me sad because I really loved them and I never intentionally did anything to hurt any of them. 

This weekend I'm doing something I have always wanted to do and something my friend Silke has always wanted to do.  We are going to the beach to ride horses with another couple who also rides.  Silke is cooking up a mess of food and we are going to have such a good time. The weather is going to be in the 80's so not too hot and not too cold.  I am pretty sure that I am taking Joe Bob this weekend. I figure that though he is tall, he will be more comfortable to sit on bareback. I found out he's never been to the beach but that he loves the water.  

Of course, I need to get moving on this day so I can accomplish something so I guess that I will wrap it up.  I have a small list of things to do. I want to clean up my office and ready the space so I can do some fall sewing projects. I need to feed the horses and the cow and pack my clothes for my trip to the beach.  We leave on Friday at nine.  

Bandit says hello. Silly schnauzer face...

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Why oh why

I am whining to my blog instead of Facebook because I know that fewer people read this and I'm not trying so much as to garner sympathy as to whine. I just want to feel better and understand why I feel so bad. I'm beginning to think I have had the flu somehow though it seems too early. My symptoms were all chest and body achy and not cold like. I thought it was allergies at first. But then once I got to taking a z pack (obtained through 😷  gotten means) I'm feeling better. Except for the diarrhea as a result of the z pack. I know way too much information. 

Last night I slept much better and work up feeling not so bad. I refrain from saying I felt good but I didn't feel like I was dying anymore. However after I took my computer to my office, thinking I felt good enough to actually accomplish something, I quickly became disabused if that notion.  My head still hurts and my body still aches. I have that fluy feeling in my head. I'm setting alarms for myself to drink every 20 minutes in case I'm just dehydrated. My skin is a little tenty. My cough is still ugly but looser. 

I do know I'm at the end of being sick. I just want the end to be over. 

On the positive side I'm a little hungry today. I just made the Pillsbury orange rolls I've had in the fridge. Another positive is that I have lost 4 pounds this week and reset my appetite in ways I couldn't have done if I"d been trying.  So, now I will honor the smaller stomach.  Of course, I also decided to quit logging my food one week ago so I have no idea if I have eaten right not.

I have been watching the Waltons and the theme song and the sound of John Boys voice are stuck in my head.  I was dismayed that they left out the last 2 episodes of the 1st season which was when Olivia got Polio. I suspect the waltons was part of why I was fascinated with that disease as a kid. I remember getting my sugar cub treatment when I was little and then reading about it in the encyclopedia. Now I periodically read about it online. I remember my 2 favorite areas of the 1976 Encyclodia Britanica was about Leprosy and b/c of the Bible and the other b/c of The Waltons. 

 I have been observing how loose the details were in that show as well.  It started in about 1934 and they do name certain historical events I didn't know anything about.  In the last week I have read about the CCC, the gold act (where people had to turn in their gold coins) and the WPA. I am seeing how FDR was a socialist but he was able to get the country going again.  I find myself wondering if or how that could work today and I don't see how it could.  Obviously I didn't live in that time, but I just don't see Americans banding together like they did in the depression to fix the money issue America was having. Of course, I also wonder if the war wasn't the real reason the depression ended all over the world.  I wish there were some way to study historical events from different perspectives so that an "honest" point of view could be help. OR at least if commentary was given in a more neutral way, it would be interesting to see who was "right". I like to see all sides of a conflict and make up my own mind.

It seems like I would like to write more, but then again I'm not sure I should. I am mulling over things in my mind that I am not ready to commit to paper so will them for another time.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Moving on...

This has been an ugly week of sickness and coughing. I missed an entire week of work because of cough and fever and possible flu. And I really thought I'd be ok by today but tonight I spiked a new fever. I'm frustrated because I went to the doctor on Tuesday for a follow up on my arm and I was already sick. I asked the doctor to check my chest and I told him that though my temp was only 98.6 that it was high for me and that my normal temp is 97.7. He did not listen to me or take any of that into account. I guess he couldn't check me out for something else since I was there for my arm. I will be changing doctors when this is over because I'm pretty sure I have had pneumonia the whole time. I have resorted to bourbon for my cough, muscinex and hot showers to feel better.  

On Thursday of this week I received a text from my boss  asking me to clean out my room because my arm isn't healing as fast as we'd hoped. Actually the doctor reported that it was more painful than he'd expect and the chip looks worse on the X-ray but that my strength and ROM are good. There is no reason for me to quit massaging. In fact I give massages to my handicapped kids all the time and this is not an issue. . To receive a text when I was already down and out was pretty discouraging. 

I've been told I can return once I'm healed. I suspect I won't. I can fill in if they need me but honestly i prefer to not be on call. I hate having to get ready for work at 9am even if I have no clients. because I might have clients. I don't mind a bit to have someone scheduled and then hang out but I have done it. I loved working there but I'm never going to be the Ft person she really needs or wants. I just have ever so much more pressure BC there aren't going to be weeks where I can make extra money. 

So now I pick up some new clients. I add to my outcalls. I see more yes waiver and Dssw clients. I spend more time with my husband. This makes me happy. 

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Random bloggy thoughts.

I saw my daughter Monday and we got to ride together just before my lungs disintegrated into a phlegmy mess of bronchitis. We were helping Teresa get ready for galloping Goblins in a few weeks. I'm excited because I get to be senior judge again and I feel like I've done a good job this time of making up some bang up obstacles. I have them all written up and we are on our way. 

I have been pondering my past friendships again. I have been imagining the words I would say. I even started to write a letter to one of the girls. I started and stopped half a dozen times. It won't matter. On one hand I'd like to talk it out and fix it but noe the trust is destroyed on both sides. I don't see how any of us can go back. I did send a message to one friend telling her I was thinking of her and that I missed her. It's been a year since she went dark. She's not coming back. 

Someone told me recently that they didn't think I had a mean bone in my body. I'd like to think she's right and I know in my heart that I did nothing harmful to any of these people. If they choose to believe I would hurt them in any way or if they have allowed themselves to be manipulated then I can't chsnge that. I am sad that this is true. I hate to even admit that I still miss them because some of them may take a weird pleasure in knowing I still miss them. 

I'm so happy now that I try to think about what I was like then. I know I was lonely so I leaned on my people. And they let me down. During that time I turned to God and the God brought me Michael.  Now I have a new church and a new home and I'm happier than I have ever been. I know that in the coming months I am going to let some people down as I take care of me and my family. I am trying to do what's best for us and make those decisions even if they aren't popular. I have peace in my heart. 

Additionally we have been blessed with a borrowed child. She is coming with us to some riding events and she is riding Dixie. They seem to like each other. 

Monday, September 25, 2017

Angry with no outlet

 I hate it when things go wrong in a cascade and there is nothing to be done. We are working very hard to keep our ship sailing straight and it is very annoying when other people interfere with that journey. Right now someone owes us money. Actually, a couple people away. One of them was my fault. I sent an invoice late and so it was not processed and now I am waiting for the company to pay  me. The other is not our fault. We have done work and we have turned in the invoices and yet we are not paid.  And when I try to find out when I will be paid I am not answered. And I don't dare to truly upset this person because we need the job to continue. I do believe that we will eventually be paid but the people I owe money to and would like to be paid now.  It does not help that my arm has kept me from working as much. I have thought to keep my massage load  light for now but it doesn't appear that this is going to be possible. We have another options and we are exploring them but it would make life so much easier if I could just count on the money we are earning to come when it supposed to.  I know that God will take care of us. And I also know that by this time next month the ship will be straight and sailing again. 

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Eternal Hope and God's Grace

John 3:16. For God so loved the World that He gave us his only begotten so. So that we would not perish but have ever lasting life. 

It is the one simple truth we need to know to bring people to Christ. 

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;"
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:8‬ ‭NASB‬‬

Faith is trusting in someone. God is our safety net. If we need to jump and don't trust him we will never know He was there for us. 

1 John‬ ‭3:1‬ -3NASB
"See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him."
"Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is."
"And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure."
If we have no hope we are easily moved by Satan. 

I am a child of God. I am becoming more like God. We take in God's Grace and this gives us hope 

"But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation."
‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭NASB‬‬

Oops, he said sober. So sometimes I fail in this endeavor. Of course he means serious not sober but both are important. 

Are we wearing our helmets? Yes I always wear my helmet when I'm riding but do I keep it on all the time and the answer is not always. 

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Our Christian Walk--sermon notes. Jerry Feller speaking

Ephesians 5:1-2. Therefore be imitations of God as beloved children and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

We often find it's easier to forgive some people than it is either. Until we learn to forgive everyone we can't walk with God in every way. 

Christ died so we could all be forgiven for everything and we should do the same. 

Ephesians 2:8-10. For by grace you have been through faith; it is a gift from God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship,  rested in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk with him. 

I have a situation like this now. We have someone we are doing something for and sometimes I find I don't like this person very much but yet I know that God has out it in our hearts to help this person. I was struggling with this just today because this person has really made me angry but God has placed it in my heart to be there for her. This is powerful message for me today. I have know we were on the right path. I just have to get past my personal bad feelings and stay on the right path. There is a reason they were placed in my life. I need to remember that. Sometimes we have to just keep digging and giving to get where we are supposed to be. 

I have another friend struggling in a relationship and friend's whose husbands are sick. This is also a powerful message for them. Don't give up. Just keep going. 

Sometimes we have to stop and slow down and that is part of our Christian walk as well. Slow down and listen. Stop and listen to what God is really telling us. I feel like that is what God said to me about my broken arm. It was time to slow down and wait. 

Allow God's will and not your own. Sometimes it's hard to know if what we are doing or thinking is what God wants done. Don't let the enemy have your mind. Keep your mind clear with your heart. Sometimes when people don't behave the way we want it's easy to let the enemy take us over. 

Ephesians 4:17-32

We have to leave here and go care about people. Even if we don't like them very much. This is so hard for me. I have people that do me wrong and I spend so much time going back and forth between wanting to kick them and wanting them back in my life as friends. So much better to love people like Jesus loved us even when we are wronged. 

Friday, September 15, 2017

Puzzled and confused

Today I had a few things to do, all of which took more brain power than I had energy.  I tried to get my notes done early so I could enjoy my weekend,but here I am at 6PM trying to finish them up. This does not include the assessments I did last week that I still need to work out.  I think my day got started wrong because I didn't work out...let that be a lesson to all...

I find myself frustrated today.  I have a lot of paperwork to do and I'm having too much fun to sit down and do excuse it has to be done and it will be finished up some time over the weekend.  It's not late and I'm not rushed. It's just a lot of papers.

I'm going to back to massaging next week and I'm excited and somewhat nervous about that as well.  I am a little worried my arm won't work as well as it did to start with or I won't be able to do deep tissue, but I won't know till I try. 

My paycheck didn't come again! I got one, but not the one I needed. This time it appears to have been because it got stuck in my out box, so my fault. I did ask them several times that week if they had received my fax with no response and the first two days of this week when I didn't get a pay stub I again tried to reach them but it wasn't till Wednesday that we figured out that there was a problem.  They have sent it off to be processed and I may have it in the next two weeks, but this is totally not their fault. I just hate that this keeps happening.  Lucky for us, Mike has a calf he is selling.  We are so close to paying of a couple of tiny bills. I want to keep up the momentum.  In a couple weeks we will be on top of everything again...and this is why I love working at Therapeutic Massage because when I have an unpredictable week I still get money :-)

Today I also lost a relatively new client.  I had seen her only 3 times and thought we were doing great, but her mom called her case manager and told them to have me not come back. When I found out why, it didn't sound like she was complaining about ME except for one thing. She said I was only rubbing her daughter's back and not doing a full body massage. This has been true because the girl has been very hesitant, but then the last week was getting better and I was able to do her whole upper body.  She also said that I kept changing our times, which wasn't true at all...I have only come at the same time three weeks in a row. She also said that I had told her when I came next week I'd have to bring my kids and leave them in the car which didn't happen either because I don't have any kids at home. As I write this I remember that we had one conversation about how I sometimes haul my horses to Killeen and have sometimes seen clients on the way home from riding so the horses would have been out in the trailer, Parked on the street,  but I don't know how that would have mattered in any case...It is another case of me bending over backward to accommodate a schedule and getting burned.  The funny thing is this same lady was feeding me KFC two weeks ago because she said I looked hungry...go figure.

When these things happen it sets up my insecurities so badly.  I feel like I have screwed up even when I haven't...even when I know it's not my fault.  There is a terrified part of me that worries my charmed life will end, or that I won't be able to make a living or pay my bills.  It's really silly but it stresses me out to no end.  I wish I could figure out why I have these gut reactions and why I pick up so much from around me that is left unsaid, but I "know"  Sometimes I wish I could just be clueless to all the different pieces of input in the world.  

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Family comes from the most interesting places

I have been blessed for almost a week now with the pleasure of the company of my friend Jan Lear. She has become part of the family. She is concerned from time to time that she stayed too long but Mike and I both tell her that her company has been wonderful. I did not realize how much my soul craved a good horsey friend. Of course, Michael is perfect but a girlfriend is different. 

Whether it's good or not, I think that Jan and I look at the world much the same. She has the wisdom to actually do some of the things I think about doing. And I plan to follow suit and not wait so long to do these things myself.  She tells people like it is but kindly. She sticks up for herself. These are all things that I wish I did better. Jan was the caregiver for a long time and now she is on a trek.   She finished out her horse trailer and she is traveling for the next couple months. I invited her to come as we were on her way sort of. I figured this way she could make sure she had all her ducks in a row before she truly headed out into the wild West.   I have ridden horses more than I have in the past six months. Part of that is because I broke my arm a month ago but part of it is because Michael has had a Stubborn foot infection   And just hasn't been able to ride. I have piddled  a little around here and with my borrowed 10-year-old from church but I haven't gotten the hours of saddle time that I usually crave. 

 Since Jan has been here I have had company sometimes that I might not have as has Mike.  Jan is very self-sufficient. Sometimes I cook sometimes we snack sometimes we go out. There is almost always wine. Who am I kidding, there has always been wine.   When I'm at work she is here doing what she needs to do with her horse or hanging out with Michael who seems to enjoy the company. The only bad part has been that my dog, Patti, has somehow decided that her dog, diva,  is not her best friend. 

 Saturday we road at Waco with my friend Silke.   Monday we rode around the place and she played with her saddle some.  Yesterday I worked and she played with her horse and saddle some more. Today we met Silke and her husband and road at the ranch where he works and it was just lovely.   I feel like I am forming my own little horse community here and it is so nice. Course the horses may get tired of being ridden so much but so far they seem pretty happy about it. Today she rode liberty to try out my specialized saddle and I rode Joe Bob. On Monday I rode Vandy who have been kind of on the back burner.

Mike says he finds that I have a new level of joy and I think he's right. I have grown used to solitude and I'm actually quite ok on my own or seeing no one but michael for days and days. But this is fun. Having company come and finding my circle of horsey friends is so far n. I have gotten bad about feeling like I need to work all the time. Now I'm back to having fun. 

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Tough love

 I am faced with the decision that will require behavior outside of my normal. As a rule, I try very hard to get along with everyone and be nonconfrontational. However someone in my life be a confrontation or rather, and intervention.    If you think this post is about you, LOL, I guarantee it is not. This is more of a collection of things  on which I may need to take action.  I really try to live by the idea of live and let live. I don't know what it is like to walk  in someone else's shoes.  Since I don't like people being judge mental of me I try very hard not to also be judge mental in return. However, when did you decide that someone has crossed the line and needs to have an intervention? And how do you have that intervention when you know they're not going to listen to you anyway?  Do you go ahead and them and say what needs to be said or do you let it go and just keep an eye on the situation hoping that no one gets hurt? 

Sunday, September 3, 2017

None for the moment

The top of the page asked me to put in a title. But I don't have one for this post.  The last week has been filled with a cold, and upper respiratory infection, more free time than anyone person should have, a fabulous birthday party for my daughter and love for my husband. I stayed home from church today because this chest cold has really been kicking my tush. I have been coughing and sniffling but mostly just coughing. I didn't. It want to inflict that upon anyone. That, with the lack of voice I have from singing too loud with carbon Leaf just made it better to stay home. 

Carbon Leaf...what fun they are. Maggie and I have loved their music since 2007'or before, ever since another music therapist mentioned them to me. The love has on,y grown through the years. We have gotten to see them twice and plan to go next year for their 25th anniversary tour. 

Maggie got her photo taken with the band because it was her birthday. 

We had a fun day. We went to Ikea. For her birthday she got a bar stool for her apartment and Mike changed her oil. She was able to do her laundry. I was able to to see her for a couple nights and it was fun and relaxed. 

I'm stressed about money though. I'm stressed BC I was sick all last week so the profitable week I should have had wasn't. This week should be though if I don't jinx myself. Every time I fill out my invoice before I do the work things go wrong. Something about counting those chickens or eggs or something. The money will work out. But I hate being stressed. 

Life is good here. I'm about to be able to start riding soon I hope. I go back for another X-ray on Thursday and then I hope I can start doing a few massages by the end of the next week. My plan is to start with 1-2 massages per day and then work myself up. It may be 6 months before I can see more than 3 or 4 people per day but it depends on my pain scale. Brandi has already helped with soft tissue tightness and range of motion. I'm hoping the doctor will refer me for PT or even OT if appropriate. 

I still find that I struggle to mesh my old life with my new life. While I am 100% happy living here and in my marriage I still miss parts of my old life. I miss the people I thought were mine. I occasionally miss being able to see friends on a whim. And then I realize how much I like my cocoon. And then I realize that none of that is important because I have the one person who is husband and best friend and he is the light of my life. Whatever people think I did or whatever I may have inadvertently done just doesn't compare to the nest I have here. Here I don't have to pretend. I don't have to over apologize, or watch every word and action. I know that here I am loved and cared for. I prefer relationships with real people instead of finding that I have been misunderstood time and time over. I find myself not asking people to do things anymore because I am told no, or they forget they said yes. I no longer need to be out and about. 

I ponder these things as Mike sits beside me. We have a 10 year old we have borrowed from church. Her mom works weird hours and she comes here to ride and hang out. She's a great kid and Dixie really likes her. I'm hoping to bring her along for NATRC next year. 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Lessons from a broken wing.

 Today has been a long, lonely day without my husband. He had to go and help a friend move some hay but it was also fun because he got to drive a cool new tractor. However, on his way home he ran out of fuel and it has taking him longer to get back then he expected. While I enjoy being on my own at home, I don't like it for this many hours. I have grown  used to his company and the time we spent together at night. 

Currently, I have a fractured right radial head at the elbow. I am trying to behave myself and keep my arm in a sling.  To back up as to how I got this broken arm, it was a horse accident. I was ejected last Tuesday and it was at least partly my own fault.   I often find that in dealing with horses are accidents are our own fault much of the time. 

I go back to the doctor for a recheck tomorrow and I will have a better idea of how my arm is healing. For the last 8 days I have had my arm in a sling.  I was told to stretch it some but it is currently not bending all the way straight or able to curl all the way up. I find that it hurts in the middle of my forearm more than it hurts where the fracture is. I'm not really sure what that is about. I have learned that I am very right-handed.  I have trouble doing even the smallest task with my left hand. I have trouble drinking coffee or making a sandwich or even driving a car.  I have been going out each morning to feed horses and as hard as I try to scoop feed with my left hand I find it almost impossible. I wear my sling when I'm doing anything that might cause me to behave stupidly or move suddenly.  all of this has forced me to slow down quite dramatically. Last weekend we were supposed to of gone to the beach however I couldn't even think about getting on a horse or being comfortable riding in a truck that far so we stayed home. I have had several days of complete and utter rest. I have not been able to crochet or do anything useful that does not get done with I left hand only.  I left hand only. There has been a bad side effect to all this rest. 

There has been a bad side effect to all this rest.    I find that I like not working so hard. Of course, I need to continue working hard to pay all my bills and I will but I am reminded that not every minute of every day needs to be filled with work. It is absolutely OK to sit and just watch television. I have spent the last couple days watching the BBC  production of broad church with David Tennant.  It is full of detail that I would have missed had I've been crocheting or surfing Facebook while I watched it. I am learning to let go of all of the many things that I could be doing,  in favor of resting. Michael has encouraged me to do this for a long time but I find sitting still difficult. I find sitting still in the quiet with nothing else to do a recipe for sleep, which I have also been doing a lot of. 

 One of my contracts has given me three more assessments to complete in the next few weeks and they will turn into clients in the future. I also know that when my arm is healed I will go back to working at therapeutic massage but I am reminded that I do not have to work every minute of every day. I can have days like today where a friend comes over with her grandson and we played with horses and pick the spoils of the garden for her Goats.  I can crochet without feeling guilty or so or embroidery. I can go out to lunch with a friend.  I can help Michael with his own business by sending out cards and letters to generate more business. I can sit and watch television and hold his hand and treat him like at the center of my world that he is. 

 My dogs are barking and I am hoping that he has arrived home I will sign off for now and go check. 

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Deep thoughts

I have been contemplating my state of old friends over the last few days. I still have people I miss from my old life. They are not bad and I am not angry with them as much as I am sad they have chosen not to include me in the present. It has been a hard lesson to learn they are part of the past and not part of my future. It has been hard to realize that others have been included over me. It has been tough to realize that some of these people think badly of me when I did not do them any harm. It is tough knowing people think that I would do anything to harm them. I'm not saying I haven't made mistakes because I know I have.  But, I am amazed how some people act badly and stir pots and still come out smelling rosy. Each day I focus my eyes on the Lord, my husband, my church, my new life. However sometimes it's hard not to look back.

My life needs to belong to the Lord. It has to be about the future. We just found out our pasture is leaving us in a month. I have no idea who comes next but I am unbelievably sad. Jess McCabe has brought me back to church. Well, michael did but Jess has inspired me with his words and filled my heart with His word.

My life has gone in a new direction and continues to take me on a new path but sometimes I still miss those old friends and wish they would come back. 

Monday, June 26, 2017

I made it through the rain


We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive

We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives

Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it thought the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel afraid

Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade

'Cause when I chase my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it thought the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it thought the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
And made it through
And made it through

Love this Barry Manilow song. It reflects my thoughts and feelings today   I am in  the sun 

Sunday, June 25, 2017


I have had an interesting weekend. I returned to my old home this weekend to visit. I was reminded what it was like to live here and how much I love it. I was able to fondly think about how much I loved living here. It  was strange to be a guest in what was my home for 15 months. I had really thought I'd live here forever and probably would have if it had not been for finding Michael  

We went to a gun education weekend and it was great. I have been pretty uncomfortable about shooting and now I feel much better. I shot yesterday and I think I did ok. I didn't shoot today because I have a terrible headache. I have been shooting a Walther PPS 9 mm. I am really grateful to Mike's brother for loaning me a gun to use. Mike's gun is really too big heavy and large for my hands. 

I have moved forward over the weekend spending time with these good friends. I have been sad for people of the past and I think I have moved forward and finally ceased to care so much about my old life. I don't know why some of these friendships have fallen away but I am done trying to fix it. I didn't do anything to these people. There is no reason for them to have left behind. No matter what is said or thought I didn't cause this to happen. I have some theories about why and who happened but it's just not important anymore. I know that I am a good person and I'm finished apologizing and trying to fix something I didn't cause. It is a relief to have this off my shoulders and heart. 

Life is good. I am blessed and happy every day. God gave me the best life and I'm so happy to be living the life I have. 

I'm trying to sell my trailer. I am going to upgrade to something bigger for is to both be comfortable together. If anyone is looking it's a 1997 sundowner sunlite. I want 10000 firm. It's really nice and perfect for someone to start with. 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Happy and Sad

I find myself sad when I should be joyful. I have everything I have ever wanted. I live in the country, my husband rides with me. We have horses. I work enough but not too much. I have grown content with my life with Mike as my best friend and husband. I am missing having girlfriends though. I try really hard to just be happy coming home and spending my quiet evenings but I find myself periodically lonely and sad for girls to hang out with. 

I have made friends here but for many reasons we don't 'go Out'. Partly it is because of schedules. One is a newly wed with a strange work schedule. One is just kind of a homebody like me. Others are too young or too busy with kids or business. Like me, we get in our peaceful rut and just don't do stuff outside of home. I really am pretty much ok with this, in general. 

I have a fun packed weekend ahead. I am looking forward to it. However I still manage to stick my foot in my mouth. I want to just be accepted for who I am. I don't want to pretend. I want other friends like I am with my closest people. I am missing that girlfriend connection from my younger days. I suspect that what I want doesn't really exist in this world today. I am so grateful to have Michael but sometimes I miss having 'dinner and drinking' buddies. 

I have been feeling like this even in my riding groups lately. I don't know if I have lost my drive to compete because my life has changed so much or what is going on. Michael and I love to ride but I find myself wanting to have more laid back days. 

I have goals for the future. I want a little bigger trailer so we can travel more comfortably. I want to spend more time with Mike and just enjoy life. 

So with all this great stuff I have no room to be melancholy. I think that life is just hard and that some people are just mean. I think that when you are kind some people take advantage. I wish I could learn to protect my heart more. 

Sunday, April 2, 2017

God is Working

Today sitting here at church with the rain pounding the roof I feel so grateful to know our Lord. Things are happening in our lives that can only be explained as being the Lord's plan. Or lives are being enriched and blessings are being given to us that will enable us to in turn bless others.

I have never been much of an evangelist but I think I have found my niche. We have this awesome cowboy church and I can introduce them to Christ through the horse events. I so sad that I going to miss the arena Day because we will be in pole canyon. I have loved traveling but I'm starting to want to be here more. I want to be here in this community and be a part of it. Family Is more important than many Things I used to think mattered more. And it's not a sacrifice to do these things. I no longer feel like I missing out. The Lord has changed my heart in ways I never thought possible.

The Lord brought me the God fearing man I always prayed about having in my life. Our lives are moving in unison in His will. We are having peace, love and success that we never dreamed of.

I thank Rebecca, Michael's late wife every day for 'training' him well. And caring for him for so many years. He is such a wonderful husband and I am so grateful to share his life. Caring for him has become my gift from God to him so he can continue to love and care for others. I wish I could have known Becky.

Today's reading was 1 John 1-14.  Boots and saddle cowboy church in Gatesville, tx. The sermon can be found on the Facebook page where it is live every week. Notes to follow.

We need our neighbors to survive. God calls us to be part of our community.

God wants us to love the people around us whether we know them or not. What would happen if we got out of our comfort zone and loved our neighbor.

If we don't learn to love our neighbor no one will grow.

The biggest Things we can do Is to ask forgiveness and love our neighbor.

The one who says he is in the Light and yet hates his brother is in the darkness until now.
1 John 2:9 NASB

God help me to decide.

I did this just yesterday. Faced with a decision I did not want to make I prayed and the path became clear. It wasn't the answer I wanted but I was able to recognize that it was what I should do. And then I didn't feel loss from the decision but joy from hanging done his will.

When we do Things for others often we are the ones more blessed. Jess said When they did the fencing privet they cheated the people they we're fencing for because they came away more blessed.

This Is how Michael and I get after putting on our ride at cbar. Having the folks from special Olympics blessed us and all the riders way more than than they we're blessed. They gave us a common goal and we were able to give to them. We were far more blessed.

for we walk by faith, not by sight-
2 Corinthians 5:7 NASB

Wow, this is a verse for today. Mike and I have some decisions to make about some career opportunities. We feel like we are following the right path but it does mean we have some decisions ahead.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

My name is Alice and I'm a horseaholic

I have never been able to have "all" the horses I wanted. I'm not sure I'll ever have all the ones I ever wanted, but right now I have plenty.  We have 10 horses here.  I love telling people that I assess that I'm a cat crazy, dog crazy, horse crazy kind of farm girl.  Of course, I've only recently become a farm girl. Before that I was a wanna be, owned property but had no idea what I was doing farm girl...except for 5 years in the middle when I had a place, knew what I was doing, but couldn't always accomplish everything on my own, but needed to. I have been married to 2 men before Michael...One was a city guy who wanted no part of country living and the other loved country living until he didn't and then our marriage kind of went to hell (but we are good friends and have a gorgeous daughter so that's ok)

As I look out at the horses from my cabin office I think about how lucky I am.  They are all so gorgeous and I don't know who I would rehome if I had to...well, I do know, and one of them is on the "chopping block" so to speak, but of course, it's the one we can probably have no luck selling.

Of mine I will start with the oldest:

Freeley: given to me in 2005, he had many endurance miles before I acquired him and then went on to be one of Maggie's first competition horses and I competed him as well. He was retired in 2008 when his arthritis became to much and lived with my dearest friend Teresa Musgrave.  When I moved out to Woodrock ranch in the fall of 2015 I got to be around him again and when I moved to Flying T Ranch to live with Michael I brought him with me. He will be 27 in April but still has a lot of spring in his step and still gets ridden if I need a super beginner horse. I never thought he'd mellow this much, but I do think there is still a fire in his heart. He's a sweet and gorgeous boy who does not look his age.

Gorgeous Dixie, Maggie's first competition horse. She is supposed to be around 17 or 18 but the vet says she's likely in her early 20's. Still sound and willing to go, but mostly retired at this point. Her trot is so rough no one wants to ride it.  She keeps the boys hopping in the field b/c she is a total hussy.  We had hoped she would foal this spring but she did not get pregnant so no baby.  She is a horse that has never been completely tame but she will occasionally acquiesce to carting someone around...until she decides to take off trotting and that person has to hold on for dear life.  Mike rode her at Juggs this year and they did well together, except that she beat him to death.

Sherman: Technically he belongs on the Mike side of the whose horse is whose list, but I will claim him. He will be 19 this year.  He is a very solid and well trained TWH and he loves Mike.  He takes good care of him on the trail. He can be a real jerk at feeding time, but he's good with all humans. Recently he has been taking friends and beginners on very slow and steady trail rides, treating them kindly and like the passenger they are.  I am amazed how gentle he is with these people who he could dump in a heart beat.

Liberty: My competition horse who I love dearly.  He is my best equine friend and there will never be another like him. He's getting some much needed time off this winter, though I'm not sure he's totally down with it. He likes to go and be ridden.  Right now I'm looking at him through the window and he's hanging out by himself while Dixie, Freeley and Hermoso all eat hay.  Riding Liberty is like putting on my favorite jeans or riding boots. The fit is right every time. He is 15 currently and it's hard to believe I have been riding him 9 years. I think I have never had a horse this long as I look back at my horsey life. One thing or another always moved them along sooner.

Joe Bob...not his real name. He is a 12 year old TWH who was given to me by a friend of a friend and he is amazing. I was looking for a gaited horse to ride with Mike so we could match.  He is the horse you always dreamed of someone giving you that other people were given but not you. He is just so much fun to ride. He knows a lot and he has a ton of training but he's a little slow. You have to get him focused to get the most out of him. He's big and I had forgotten how cool it is to ride a big, big horse. He is the horse I will compete on this year in NATRC.

Hermoso...not his real name. He is a rescued paso fino gelding who came from FL. He is reportedly 11, but since I have not yet sent the DNA off we don't know for sure.  He is also well trained for the show ring, but is learning to go on trail. He is speedy and zippy and when I'm not terrified a ton of fun.  He was a stud not too long ago I'm told and he still commands Dixie as though he is a stud. He loves the women.  Yesterday Mike road him and they did really well. Mike is so much more chill than me they had less trouble. And a plus: Hermoso is short and Mike tall and he can mount from the ground.

Vandamere III aka Vandy...this may be the sweetest horse I have ever owned. He makes my heart so full of love. He never takes a bad step, he never gets upset. He has a cut on his leg and while I was hosing it today the dog jumped up to bit at the water and all he did was move over when most of the other horses would have kicked or stomped.  He's six and came from the kill pens...he was saved by Chandra Ward. He looks like a TWH but he doesn't gate. He does have an 8 mph trot that doesn't bounce at all. And his personality is so awesome...and the HAIR. Just a gorgeous sweet boy.

Mike has 3 horses:

Dixie: She's the one who is for sale, for something...she's part haflinger pony mare I think. No idea how old. She is broke to ride, but we don't b/c we have too many others. She's a little pushy.

Duke: Dixie's almost 4 year old soon to be gelding. He's stunning and we are hoping he will eventually be a riding horse.

Stormy: Duke's almost 1 year daughter from a mare who is no longer here. She's a cutie pie too and I'm hoping she won't look too much like her grandmother, but the older she gets the more hope I lose.

What I have learned is that feeding this many horses gets to be expensive...but who would I have give up?

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Church notes

Notes taken during church today.

Colossians 3:1-17

This was written by Paul to Christians and will mange most people crime a little when they think how it's applied top their lives.

John 1:8-9

Perspective is everything. We can't be perfect because e we Are not God.

Get honest with God. He knows every good and bad thing we have ever done. Tell him and confess the thoughts we have. Confess our weakness and ask him to help us get past our feelings when We know we are wrong. This well bring peace. Confess our Sins and ask for forgiveness and He removes our sin from us.   This Helps us come to our Lord to rely on Him instead of relying on ourselves.

We are very close to turn loose in this country's when we should hang on instead.

Submission to the Lord is what makes a 'perfect' Christian.

But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.
Colossians 3:8 NASB

If we are convicted to lose our sin and confess to God we are doing his will.

Jess likened God to a Great Pyrenees with us being a little puppy who doesn't have a lick of sense. He has patience with us.

Our God is living and patient and kind. He loves us no matter how lost we are. No matter what we have done or said or thought our Lord loved us.

I know that sometimes it's hard to put aside the negative thought toward others when they are treating you badly. I keep trying to forgive but over and over I find myself thinking those thoughts. So I keep asking for forgiveness.

God's love brings us to repentance.  God deals with his followers with love. He only does away with his enemies.

There are only 3 kinds of people in this world: Saved, rebelling or don't know yet.

The Lord wants us to hang onto him and turn loose of everything else.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Rainy Day Musings

I hear that it stormed last night...that is not I heard it storm last night, but after I woke up by the depth of mud and water on the ground it became obvious that it rained a lot last night.  Today was a wet, awful, cold kind of day.  I spent it remaking my cream of mushroom soup into a mushroom, chicken and wild rice chowder (soo good), gluten free bread in the bread maker (only soso) and now my famous best ever popcorn.  I also spent a ton of time making horse feed, feeding horses and trying not to get completely covered in mud.

I have been struggling with feeding 9, now ten (since Freeley is back with me) horses affordable, efficiently and not too much when they don't need it.  10 horses would be 2/3 of a bag of grain per day and is not really sustainable for me. I have finally gotten all the horses separated by eating needs. I have Joe Bob, Liberty, Gorgeous Dixie, other dixie, and Hermoso in one field.  They are the easier keepers. They have hay and they don't need as much to maintain their size and shape. Plus Joe Bob, bless his goober soul, is just a pain in the butt at feed time and I need to get him out of the way so everyone else can eat.  I have Freeley, Vandy, Sherman and for now Stormy in a field because they need more food.  Sherman is equally as big of a pain at feed time and I worry that he and Joe Bob might hurt each other. There is also Duke, but he's in his separate area until we can get him gelded. They also have unlimited hay. My thought was that they get more and eat about the same speed and except for Sherman, they all get along with each other pretty well.  I'm lucky that Freeley isn't needing any special care of feed at this time. But, he is 26 so I will have to watch him.

I'm still having a little bit of a hard time letting myself relax during the day. There is a part of me that thinks I should be busy all the time. It's not like Mike judges me at all, but I judge myself.  It's hard to come in and sit down on the couch and just watch a show.  He does it, plenty of other people do it, why not me?

I have been so relaxed, working when I can and not worrying too much, but today I was paying bills and started to panic a little. It's actually fine and my work is picking up.  I'm doing everything I need to do. Next week I do orientation for a contract that I will be starting. I did an assessment this week and I have one more to do. I know it will be OK. I have given a couple of local massages, have one piano student and one riding student with the possibility of another 2 riding students starting in February or March.  Saturday I go to training for Special Olympics equestrian which will give all my horses a job when we start practicing.

Sadly I'm still not sleeping very well. I don't know if I have been hit with Hormone trouble or just all the cats running around or what, but I don't know when I last slept through the night. My fit bit tells me I am restless all night long.

I'm going to relax this evening and try to go to bed early and get up early to do Horses in the Morning.  Tomorrow I have assessments to write up and an assessment to schedule. I am determined to spend time relaxing and not worrying about stuff.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Notes from church

Isaiah 6:4-10

Here am I send me. ...

"Render the hearts of this people insensitive, Their ears dull, And their eyes dim, Otherwise they might see with their eyes, Hear with their ears, Understand with their hearts, And return and be healed."
Isaiah 6:10 NASB

Repentance means literally to turn around.

In their case the prophecy of Isaiah is being fulfilled, which says,  'Y ou will keep on hearing , but  will not understand ;  Y ou will keep on seeing , but will not perceive ;
Matthew 13:14 NASB

F or the heart of this people has become dull ,  W ith their ears they scarcely hear ,  A nd they have closed their eyes ,  O therwise they would see with their eyes ,  H ear with their ears ,  A nd understand with their heart and return ,  A nd I would heal them .'
Matthew 13:15 NASB

Rejoice in your tribulation. 
When we surround ourselves with Jesus, we will conduct our life in that manner and it makes us the sponge. 

Belief as its used in Romans doesn't just mean understanding it means commitment. 

like a sponge let ourselves be filled and wrung out like a sponge. 

We need complete dependence on God. If we give ourselves over then we are letting hammer out the impurities. This really struck a chord with me This morning. I have been making an effort to work since I moved and I have been mostly successful about not worrying about what will happen. If course I'm still not working as much as I'd like but I'm feeling good about This lesson. For so many years I felt like I had to do everything on my own. Through Mike,God had shown me how to leave things to the Lord. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

cold sunday morning; horse training musings

This is me after having not showered yesterday or yet this morning and the Princess Violet sharing some quality time on the bed.  Why have I not showered? Well, it's b/c the water is frozen a second day in a row.  Yesterday morning I woke up to frozen pipes and was really happy I had already soaked the horse's feed since there was no water.  I got up and got dressed and by the time the water was thawed I didn't feel like showering. I figured I would shower this morning since it wasn't going to be so cold last night.  Mike got up and showered and we thought it was going to be fine. However, it turns out that he was only using water in the tank and that the pump was frozen, so when it was my turn to water.  Mike has gone ahead to church to make sure the pipes are thawed there and I'm here at home waiting to see if I get water in the next hour. Yesterday he suggested I put a heater in the pump house. I didn't realize it was a: Please put a heater in the pump house request. I thought it was a: If you need to put a heater in the pump house.  Ooops.  I should know that those requests are typically more of a please do that for me situation since I'm the same way. We are both learning to communicate more directly with one another.

So I'm here at home, with wild hair and a crazy broken legged dog. If I get water and get a shower before 10 he will come get me. More likely I'm stuck here with messed up hair waiting for him to come home.  I figure it that's the case, I'm going to find my instant pot and make a pot roast out of the hunk of elk in my freezer that I was given from a friend's hunt.

He told me last night that Thursday night I upset him and he hadn't told me. By the time we talked about it neither one of us could remember what I had done. I was grateful he told me but next time he promised to tell me at the moment that I did the thing so I can stand corrected and not do it again.  I don't ever want to spend years not communicating and having anger build up to where there is no way to fix it.  Michael is the first time in years I have felt like I can just be me. I'm starting to relax under his love and take deep breaths. I'm learning to worry less and live more.

I have been thinking about what we should do about Duke, Mike's four year old Colt.  He is a stunningly beautiful creature who is not the least bit friendly.  He is not mean, but he has no use for people.  I keep trying to make friends with him and nothing seems to help.  I feed him every day, sometimes twice a day and can barely touch his face...I can rarely touch the rest of him. Most of the time he just swings his butt towards me which has the desired effect of me backing off.  No one likes to be staring at the butt end of a stallion.  In his defense, he has never tried to kick me, but I have never given him the opportunity to do so either.  When I work him in the round pen, even with a whip, I can not get him to move out. He will move ahead a few steps and then just go back to working. I have yet to get an inside circle. Whenever I put enough pressure on him to turn him, it's always to the outside.  If I look away or walk away he will follow me, but if I turn toward him he leaves.  I'm hoping some of this will change after we geld him, but I don't know how much of him is stallion and how much is just his basic personality.

On the positive side, I think he is reasonably smart. Yesterday I started doing some of the "seeking" activities I learned from Harry last year and have used on Stormy, the now almost year old filly (hard to believe she will be 1 in April. I think she takes after Duke's mom who is part haflinger. She is sturdy but not large). I have been slapping my leg until he looks at me. Then I stop. He licks and chews and we stand there in peace until he looks away. I have been getting him to look at me pretty easily, but if I move close to him that butt is still there to swing around.  I hope to do some more round pen work with him later today (if it's not freezing). He really seems more lazy than not, so maybe this butt turning thing is more an indicator of that. I do see it as a sign of disrespect.  Mike can get a halter on him if he's cornered. He has never attempted to fight his way out of being haltered or tied, but I can't figure him out.  He is stunning with his coppery red and flaxen mane and tail. I want him to become a solid citizen, but I want no one to get hurt in his training.

So, now it is 9:11. I still have no water. I'm starting to think I won't make it to church this am.  I was snuggling on the bed with Violet who started whining. Evidently it meant she needed to pee, which she proceeded to start doing. I shut it down pretty quick, but I scared here which made her pee more. So now I have pee stained blankets and no water to wash them.  Oops.  She is so good about telling us she needs to go out, but not so good about understand that she is supposed to hold it until she goes out. As a result I have moved myself to the couch where I am surrounded by pets. I have thought about turning on the TV, but I'm enjoying the quiet so I won't. The cats are in the windows hunting birds through the glass.  Yesterday someone got a bird b/c I saw it in the yard. They are so funny scratching the glass and fussing at the birds.  Hermoso and Dixie are walking back and forth on the fence by the back window. This is where I fed them yesterday so I think they are looking for a hand out.  I wish I has soaked their beet pulp last night as I could be feeding them now, but I didn't thinking the worst was over.

Hermoso has not been ridden since the day I sprained my ankle two weeks ago. I'm hoping that I can get him in the round pen today and work with him. After it's been 19, 45 is pretty darn warm in the sun.  I also want to see what Mike's Dixie knows (we have been calling her Fire Dixie).  Now the horses are all pacing back and forth at the fence.  silly ponies. They have amazingly not seemed cold. They eat on their bales of how with the young cows and then they go out in the 15 acre pasture to forage. When I'm ready to feed all I have to do is yell for Joe Bob and out of no one he comes running.  He is hilarious.  Vandy is my beautiful Ken doll of a horse. So sweet and quiet and willing.  Liberty and Sherman are steady Eddies as they have always been. I feel like Liberty is feeling a little neglected and I plan to change that soon. He will be sorry he moped for riding days, lol.  

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Complete unconditional love

1 Corinthians 11:26-32

Is there some kind of business we need to do with our own walk today?  Is there anything who stands between us and Him? You deal with you. God will deal with 'them' .