Angry with no outlet

 I hate it when things go wrong in a cascade and there is nothing to be done. We are working very hard to keep our ship sailing straight and it is very annoying when other people interfere with that journey. Right now someone owes us money. Actually, a couple people away. One of them was my fault. I sent an invoice late and so it was not processed and now I am waiting for the company to pay  me. The other is not our fault. We have done work and we have turned in the invoices and yet we are not paid.  And when I try to find out when I will be paid I am not answered. And I don't dare to truly upset this person because we need the job to continue. I do believe that we will eventually be paid but the people I owe money to and would like to be paid now.  It does not help that my arm has kept me from working as much. I have thought to keep my massage load  light for now but it doesn't appear that this is going to be possible. We have another options and we are exploring them but it would make life so much easier if I could just count on the money we are earning to come when it supposed to.  I know that God will take care of us. And I also know that by this time next month the ship will be straight and sailing again. 

Eternal Hope and God's Grace

John 3:16. For God so loved the World that He gave us his only begotten so. So that we would not perish but have ever lasting life. 

It is the one simple truth we need to know to bring people to Christ. 

"For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;"

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:8‬ ‭NASB‬‬

http://bible.com/100/eph.2.8.nasb

Faith is trusting in someone. God is our safety net. If we need to jump and don't trust him we will never know He was there for us. 

1 John‬ ‭3:1‬ -3NASB

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him."

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"Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is."

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"And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure."

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If we have no hope we are easily moved by Satan. 

I am a child of God. I am becoming more like God. We take in God's Grace and this gives us hope 

"But since we are of the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation."

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭NASB‬‬

http://bible.com/100/1th.5.8.nasb

Oops, he said sober. So sometimes I fail in this endeavor. Of course he means serious not sober but both are important. 

Are we wearing our helmets? Yes I always wear my helmet when I'm riding but do I keep it on all the time and the answer is not always. 

Our Christian Walk--sermon notes. Jerry Feller speaking

Ephesians 5:1-2. Therefore be imitations of God as beloved children and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

We often find it's easier to forgive some people than it is either. Until we learn to forgive everyone we can't walk with God in every way. 

Christ died so we could all be forgiven for everything and we should do the same. 

Ephesians 2:8-10. For by grace you have been through faith; it is a gift from God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship,  rested in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk with him. 

I have a situation like this now. We have someone we are doing something for and sometimes I find I don't like this person very much but yet I know that God has out it in our hearts to help this person. I was struggling with this just today because this person has really made me angry but God has placed it in my heart to be there for her. This is powerful message for me today. I have know we were on the right path. I just have to get past my personal bad feelings and stay on the right path. There is a reason they were placed in my life. I need to remember that. Sometimes we have to just keep digging and giving to get where we are supposed to be. 

I have another friend struggling in a relationship and friend's whose husbands are sick. This is also a powerful message for them. Don't give up. Just keep going. 

Sometimes we have to stop and slow down and that is part of our Christian walk as well. Slow down and listen. Stop and listen to what God is really telling us. I feel like that is what God said to me about my broken arm. It was time to slow down and wait. 

Allow God's will and not your own. Sometimes it's hard to know if what we are doing or thinking is what God wants done. Don't let the enemy have your mind. Keep your mind clear with your heart. Sometimes when people don't behave the way we want it's easy to let the enemy take us over. 

Ephesians 4:17-32

We have to leave here and go care about people. Even if we don't like them very much. This is so hard for me. I have people that do me wrong and I spend so much time going back and forth between wanting to kick them and wanting them back in my life as friends. So much better to love people like Jesus loved us even when we are wronged. 

Puzzled and confused

Today I had a few things to do, all of which took more brain power than I had energy.  I tried to get my notes done early so I could enjoy my weekend,but here I am at 6PM trying to finish them up. This does not include the assessments I did last week that I still need to work out.  I think my day got started wrong because I didn't work out...let that be a lesson to all...

I find myself frustrated today.  I have a lot of paperwork to do and I'm having too much fun to sit down and do it...no excuse it has to be done and it will be finished up some time over the weekend.  It's not late and I'm not rushed. It's just a lot of papers.

I'm going to back to massaging next week and I'm excited and somewhat nervous about that as well.  I am a little worried my arm won't work as well as it did to start with or I won't be able to do deep tissue, but I won't know till I try. 

My paycheck didn't come again! I got one, but not the one I needed. This time it appears to have been because it got stuck in my out box, so my fault. I did ask them several times that week if they had received my fax with no response and the first two days of this week when I didn't get a pay stub I again tried to reach them but it wasn't till Wednesday that we figured out that there was a problem.  They have sent it off to be processed and I may have it in the next two weeks, but this is totally not their fault. I just hate that this keeps happening.  Lucky for us, Mike has a calf he is selling.  We are so close to paying of a couple of tiny bills. I want to keep up the momentum.  In a couple weeks we will be on top of everything again...and this is why I love working at Therapeutic Massage because when I have an unpredictable week I still get money :-)

Today I also lost a relatively new client.  I had seen her only 3 times and thought we were doing great, but her mom called her case manager and told them to have me not come back. When I found out why, it didn't sound like she was complaining about ME except for one thing. She said I was only rubbing her daughter's back and not doing a full body massage. This has been true because the girl has been very hesitant, but then the last week was getting better and I was able to do her whole upper body.  She also said that I kept changing our times, which wasn't true at all...I have only come at the same time three weeks in a row. She also said that I had told her when I came next week I'd have to bring my kids and leave them in the car which didn't happen either because I don't have any kids at home. As I write this I remember that we had one conversation about how I sometimes haul my horses to Killeen and have sometimes seen clients on the way home from riding so the horses would have been out in the trailer, Parked on the street,  but I don't know how that would have mattered in any case...It is another case of me bending over backward to accommodate a schedule and getting burned.  The funny thing is this same lady was feeding me KFC two weeks ago because she said I looked hungry...go figure.

When these things happen it sets up my insecurities so badly.  I feel like I have screwed up even when I haven't...even when I know it's not my fault.  There is a terrified part of me that worries my charmed life will end, or that I won't be able to make a living or pay my bills.  It's really silly but it stresses me out to no end.  I wish I could figure out why I have these gut reactions and why I pick up so much from around me that is left unsaid, but I "know"  Sometimes I wish I could just be clueless to all the different pieces of input in the world.  

Family comes from the most interesting places

I have been blessed for almost a week now with the pleasure of the company of my friend Jan Lear. She has become part of the family. She is concerned from time to time that she stayed too long but Mike and I both tell her that her company has been wonderful. I did not realize how much my soul craved a good horsey friend. Of course, Michael is perfect but a girlfriend is different. 

Whether it's good or not, I think that Jan and I look at the world much the same. She has the wisdom to actually do some of the things I think about doing. And I plan to follow suit and not wait so long to do these things myself.  She tells people like it is but kindly. She sticks up for herself. These are all things that I wish I did better. Jan was the caregiver for a long time and now she is on a trek.   She finished out her horse trailer and she is traveling for the next couple months. I invited her to come as we were on her way sort of. I figured this way she could make sure she had all her ducks in a row before she truly headed out into the wild West.   I have ridden horses more than I have in the past six months. Part of that is because I broke my arm a month ago but part of it is because Michael has had a Stubborn foot infection   And just hasn't been able to ride. I have piddled  a little around here and with my borrowed 10-year-old from church but I haven't gotten the hours of saddle time that I usually crave. 

 Since Jan has been here I have had company sometimes that I might not have as has Mike.  Jan is very self-sufficient. Sometimes I cook sometimes we snack sometimes we go out. There is almost always wine. Who am I kidding, there has always been wine.   When I'm at work she is here doing what she needs to do with her horse or hanging out with Michael who seems to enjoy the company. The only bad part has been that my dog, Patti, has somehow decided that her dog, diva,  is not her best friend. 

 Saturday we road at Waco with my friend Silke.   Monday we rode around the place and she played with her saddle some.  Yesterday I worked and she played with her horse and saddle some more. Today we met Silke and her husband and road at the ranch where he works and it was just lovely.   I feel like I am forming my own little horse community here and it is so nice. Course the horses may get tired of being ridden so much but so far they seem pretty happy about it. Today she rode liberty to try out my specialized saddle and I rode Joe Bob. On Monday I rode Vandy who have been kind of on the back burner.

Mike says he finds that I have a new level of joy and I think he's right. I have grown used to solitude and I'm actually quite ok on my own or seeing no one but michael for days and days. But this is fun. Having company come and finding my circle of horsey friends is so far n. I have gotten bad about feeling like I need to work all the time. Now I'm back to having fun. 

Tough love

 I am faced with the decision that will require behavior outside of my normal. As a rule, I try very hard to get along with everyone and be nonconfrontational. However someone in my life be a confrontation or rather, and intervention.    If you think this post is about you, LOL, I guarantee it is not. This is more of a collection of things  on which I may need to take action.  I really try to live by the idea of live and let live. I don't know what it is like to walk  in someone else's shoes.  Since I don't like people being judge mental of me I try very hard not to also be judge mental in return. However, when did you decide that someone has crossed the line and needs to have an intervention? And how do you have that intervention when you know they're not going to listen to you anyway?  Do you go ahead and them and say what needs to be said or do you let it go and just keep an eye on the situation hoping that no one gets hurt? 

None for the moment

The top of the page asked me to put in a title. But I don't have one for this post.  The last week has been filled with a cold, and upper respiratory infection, more free time than anyone person should have, a fabulous birthday party for my daughter and love for my husband. I stayed home from church today because this chest cold has really been kicking my tush. I have been coughing and sniffling but mostly just coughing. I didn't. It want to inflict that upon anyone. That, with the lack of voice I have from singing too loud with carbon Leaf just made it better to stay home. 

Carbon Leaf...what fun they are. Maggie and I have loved their music since 2007'or before, ever since another music therapist mentioned them to me. The love has on,y grown through the years. We have gotten to see them twice and plan to go next year for their 25th anniversary tour. 

Maggie got her photo taken with the band because it was her birthday. 

We had a fun day. We went to Ikea. For her birthday she got a bar stool for her apartment and Mike changed her oil. She was able to do her laundry. I was able to to see her for a couple nights and it was fun and relaxed. 

I'm stressed about money though. I'm stressed BC I was sick all last week so the profitable week I should have had wasn't. This week should be though if I don't jinx myself. Every time I fill out my invoice before I do the work things go wrong. Something about counting those chickens or eggs or something. The money will work out. But I hate being stressed. 

Life is good here. I'm about to be able to start riding soon I hope. I go back for another X-ray on Thursday and then I hope I can start doing a few massages by the end of the next week. My plan is to start with 1-2 massages per day and then work myself up. It may be 6 months before I can see more than 3 or 4 people per day but it depends on my pain scale. Brandi has already helped with soft tissue tightness and range of motion. I'm hoping the doctor will refer me for PT or even OT if appropriate. 

I still find that I struggle to mesh my old life with my new life. While I am 100% happy living here and in my marriage I still miss parts of my old life. I miss the people I thought were mine. I occasionally miss being able to see friends on a whim. And then I realize how much I like my cocoon. And then I realize that none of that is important because I have the one person who is husband and best friend and he is the light of my life. Whatever people think I did or whatever I may have inadvertently done just doesn't compare to the nest I have here. Here I don't have to pretend. I don't have to over apologize, or watch every word and action. I know that here I am loved and cared for. I prefer relationships with real people instead of finding that I have been misunderstood time and time over. I find myself not asking people to do things anymore because I am told no, or they forget they said yes. I no longer need to be out and about. 

I ponder these things as Mike sits beside me. We have a 10 year old we have borrowed from church. Her mom works weird hours and she comes here to ride and hang out. She's a great kid and Dixie really likes her. I'm hoping to bring her along for NATRC next year.