On being a bully

As anyone who reads this and I’ve been having a crisis of spirit lately. I was called a bully or at the very least I was told that I bully my way into situations where I am not wanted.I have been thinking about all the situation and include the person who said this and I can totally see it from her perspective. But, the reason I was "bullying" was frequently because of dishonesty on the part of the other person.  This has happened with more than one person so I know that it is in part because of my inability to read social cues accurately.  

When someone gives me an excuse or a weak, in my opinion, reason for doing or not doing something I become a problem solver.  I see those as obstacles be overcome more than I think about them as reasons a person does not want to do something with me. I have never thought about this as being a bully more than I have thought about it wanting to accomplish my goal. I personally feel like in today’s world people remain completely superficial and unwilling to open up their hearts and minds. So a ‘soft’ no is really a no not an obstacle and I definitely don’t always see that.  People do not like honesty anymore. They want to hear half truths or excuses because truths are painful. I know that in this situation I have learned a lot about honesty and dishonesty. I have observed how mistakes are made when people do not communicate clearly. I can look back and see now how my behavior was interpreted even though it was never my intention. 

This is a long reaching looking to the past. I think about all the times people have a sered me dishonestly or canceled last minute BC they never intended to follow through. I think about being told they don’t want to do a certain thing only to figure out it was me they didn’t want to do it with. I think about all the people who have been nasty behind my back but how I extended grace and played dumb anyway. 

There is no way for me to change any of it, but only to take the knowledge and move forward. I also know that because of the situation I am way less likely to reach out in the future. I’m more likely to try less hard to connect with people. I am also more likely to be more sensitive and honest with people I am dealing with. 

Losing Faith

I have gained great faith in God but lost a lot of faith in people. I find that I no longer feel like I have any idea how people are going to react or behave. I find that people are so sensitive over things I think they shouldn't be...but then again I have my own sensitivity as well.  So, even in my disappointment and disillusionment I do still have the ability to look at it from both sides.

I have gotten to a point where I'm not convinced I like facebook very much at all. Seems like people are overly sensitive about what they see or hear and instead of asking questions, like they would if they were in person, they attack. People post cute horse photos and get harassed for something someone doesn’t like. 

It seems like people don’t want honesty. There are no more emotional dialogs between people anymore. I am often sad when people are honest with me but typically I already know the truths. I know who I am.  I know the good and the bad and the part of me that is not loved or welcome. If I am going to honestly share my feelings then I have to ready to hear honesty from others. That really is the hard part...hearing when other people are angry or hurt and then having to live with the hurt I caused. I feel that hurt profoundly and I don’t like it. 

Then there is the feeling that you had friends that you trust. But then you find out they don’t hold your interests at heart. 

And then there is thinking that you are over it and don’t hurt anymore but find that you do. Sometimes I feel like I’m the last person on earth to understand other people. 

Today I  feel sad. I thought I was on the back side of it but grief sometimes smacks you upside the back of your head. I’m sure the rain and my inability to focus on other things doesn’t help. There are so many people out there with so much worse going on than the trivial sadness of my day. It’s kind of s crying day.