Friday, December 30, 2016

Oops I kind of lost my mind

I have a blog post that I started on something called redefining Christmas. I have not had the time to sit down and write the whole thing yet but was thinking about it today I got kind of angry about some things that have been happening in my life.  I already know that one of my friends has been having a similar situation and it is painful. The situation is a lack of Old Friends.

I will try not to over hash this because I did cover some of this in my post cause I woke up angry. However I'm in a different place today. When I woke up angry I felt helpless. Today I just feel kinda finished. I have been reaching out to the same people over and over again. These people were very close to me at one time and no they are not. I assume that they feel like I did something to cause the problem. And I am not playing it isn't here. I do know of a few things that I have done to upset people. However, I only know because somebody else told me. The people involved never sat down with me and have a conversation so that any of these issues to be resolved. This leads me to believe that they don't want to be friends. I get it it's been almost a year. I have to let it go. But it's hard.

When I have friends I give them everything. Clearly I am not perfect and I make mistakes. I am a pretty good secret-keeper but occasionally I guess I slip like everyone else. I have apologized to the people I know to apologize to. Sometimes I don't apologize because I don't think anything wrong. But I still think you can be friends when you disagree. You just at least have to have a conversation.

When I try repeatedly to text or call and the person never called me back or text me back what am I supposed to think? I am led to believe that you do not want to have a relationship with me. And I am so tired of pretending that so-and-so is just busy or they have a lot going on or maybe they just needed to change their life. The fact is you don't value spending time with me or you would call me back. When I asked you to lunch and you can't go and then never make another invitation that tells me you don't want to spend time with me. I get it. Finally I get it. In many ways I would find it easier just to have this conversation out in the open. Our lives have changed we are different people I no longer wish to hang out. At least I would have the closure of knowing that is truly what's happening.

There was a group of us that used to be very close. We spent time together and grow together and talk together and hang out on Facebook. That group is gone. Partly because our lives have changed. Partly because I made changes recommended to me by these friends and now they no longer wish to hang out. I don't understand that part. These people told me for years to do something to change my life and when I did we cease to be friends.

Perhaps I did more changing  than I think I did.  I do think that when I quit being weak and controlled that I became a stronger person so perhaps I was kicked out of the herd because I'm not the person I used to be. For house I don't really want to know why we're not friends anymore. Sometimes it is better not to know even though I think I want to know.

I have written letters trying to fix things and it didn't work. I have had endless Facebook conversations trying to fix things and that didn't work. I have tried to have phone calls but don't get called back and no one answers my calls. When it's more than one person I have to admit that it has to be something from within me. However I don't think it's always me. I feel like I'm in high school again and I am no longer the cool kid. It is a crappy way to feel.

So what do I do about it? I am venting and I am blogging. I'm still trying to make right what can be made right but I am done feeling like I am responsible for holding up these relationships all by myself. I agree that sometimes we get busy and don't make time for people however you don't use that excuse for months and months. Or at least that excuse doesn't hold water for up to a year. I have moved physically and spiritually. My life is ever-changing too and it is time to move forward and embrace the new. I will still have times where I hurt and grieve I'm sure. Hopefully through moving forward Bridges will not be burned and friendships can be maintain at least superficially. Someday things may come full circle. 

Monday, December 26, 2016

Good ride today

Except for the fact that I have just rolled my ankle and will be hurting for the next few days, I had great rides today.

First I rode Joe Bob and it went really well. He and I did slow, steady circles and walked and gaited. He was really awesome.  He's less nervous about the dogs, but still bothered me.

Then I rode Hermoso in the round pen for just a little while. The saddle I was trying wasn't good for him, so I got off pretty quick but he was a good boy.  We did a lot of ground work and he joined up super nice.  he followed me everywhere even though the herd had gone off and left him.

Then I worked with Duke. He is a weird horse. He won't move around the round pen. He won't turn to face me. He wants nothing from me. He won't let me pet him. He wants food but nothing else. He turns his butt as if to tell me he could kick me, but he never offers to kick. He won't turn toward me. He has no desire to be part of a team.  I don't know how to train him.

Friday, December 23, 2016

First ride on Joe Bob--reprint from The Adventures of Joe Bob. (and an addendum)

Today was our first outing together. It was not as Idyllic as either of us would have liked.  We started out OK, heading over toward Mike's sister's house. We picked up a dog there, a border collie who is really into chasing horse tails. I was able to keep her in front of us, but either my nerves or his got the better of us both and we ended up getting really short and nervous.  He got impatient waiting on me while I talked to my brother in law and his wife, but then we went on. Somewhere in the next 5 minutes he got really agitated and I had to dismount to fix his curb chain which was way too tight. I was riding him in the wonder bit as I have been advise, but may try to find my snaffle for the next ride.  I had to get back to my brother in law's house to borrow a footstool so I could remount. I'm thinking I need a footstool everywhere I go where I might dismount and need to remount. Then he wouldn't stand by the mounting block so we went round and round, back and forth and generally had him a sweat just to remount. He finally stopped in front of the block on the off side, and I went for it.
In the meantime, Mike had walked down the drive way and he seemed really nervous about all the dogs and Mike in the distance. He was also hearing his herd whinny and I'm sure he wanted to be barn sour, but he is so well trained that he didn't "do" anything bad.  A few times we walked sideways down the road, but as soon as I moved his butt over and we turned around to face away from home and relax he was fine. Then we hit a stretch where he was almost perfect...then he heard the herd again and got a little squirrely.

All 4 feet stayed on the ground at all times.  He just got quick and agitated and my own fears of being run off with came into play. I suspect they are dumb b/c every time I whoaed him or moved his hip he immediately disengaged and stopped...good boy Joe Bob. He hasn't been ridden in quite some time, so I feel pretty good about the way things went. I never felt unsafe and I felt like he was trying really hard all the time to do what I asked. We did some obstacle work which went pretty well too. Then I dismounted and walked back down the road to Mike and then we came home together.  I jogged him in hand which went great until I rolled my right ankle on a rock and went down on my left knee.  Joe Bob stopped and looked at me like I was a fool and that I should get up b/c I was embarrassing him in front of the other horses. He stood perfectly still.  He let me lean on him to get back up. Good Joe Bob.

When I took off his tack I saw that my saddle left smooth hair but there were not even sweat marks so the specialized I have always had for Liberty may not be wide enough. Or I may not have ridden him long enough to make him sweat under that part of the saddle.  I don't know him well enough to know if he acts badly if he's uncomfortable or if he just keeps plugging along.  I have a couple other saddles to try so I can find out later on if another one fits better.  I may also try Sherman's walking horse bit or a couple different snaffles I have.

In reflection it could be that I'm used to my little bitty horses and I just need to get used to how he moves. My walkers always needed a pretty snug rein, Joe Bob may need a looser one. I need to experiment.

My knee turned out to be a bloody mess :-(

I'm still thinking every time I ride a new horse...why aren't they as good as Liberty. This isn't fair of course, b/c Liberty does plenty of not good stuff and I always joke and say "Liberty wasn't always Liberty" Meaning, of course, that he had to be trained and grow into himself.  However, Joe has so much personality it's going to be a fun journey.

Tomorrow if it's not raining I'm going to ride Vandy. I have a bridle for him to put his bit on...he is more the shape and size of Liberty and I may end up just using his Hackamore. IT's my plan to get him a teal bridle from Trail Blazer's tack with a breast collar to match b/c he is so much smaller through the chest than even Liberty. I was able to make Liberty's breast collar fit Joe Bob, but I had to adjust it so much that isn't pleasing either, so Joe will also need his own breast collar. I like to have a set of tack for each horse when possible. Otherwise Liberty, Hermoso and Vandy will end up wearing a pink breast collar b/c they are small and so is it...with different colored head stalls and nothing will match. That pink head stall is so tiny it only ever fit Fiera and Ollie and I was shocked it fit Fiera.  Of course, all this stuff costs money so for now I'll just acquire pieces slowly. 

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Joe Bob

Joe Bob is new to our herd. He comes by way of a friend of a friend. He is 12, has been with the same person since he was 3, has excellent TWH blood lines and a witty personality.  I have only known him a few days and I am already in love.  He runs up and past you and then stops and backs up to have his tush scratched.  He runs straight at you in a terrifying way (he's a big boy) and then stops a foot or two in front of you and smacks his mouth together as though he were a foal.  There is a part of him I think will never grow up.  He runs up and says "I'm Bob, Joe Bob" (like James Bond) and then sticks out his tongue and says "just kidding"  He gets along with every single horse in the herd, but right now his special friend is Vandy.  The two of them hang out at the round bale with the cows like it's the office water cooler talking about all the adventures they will have together. I see it on Joe Bob and my grand daughter on Vandy.

He seems afraid of nothing. This morning when I fed he tried to follow me up the steps and into the cabin/office/feed room/craft room.  When I went in and closed the door, he walked over the porch several times.  He politely went to his bucket to eat beet pulp and alfalfa pellets with a little bit of feed. Stormy, the foal, was at her own bucket.  When he finished his he came over to Stormy and asked politely if he could have some of her food. She said no and he left with no discussion.  Then he came back and asked again and they shared what he had left.

Sherman is very aggressive about his food. The other morning he came after Joe Bob when I brought the food outside. I could very easily have been run over, but sweet Joe Bob spun around and out of the way, avoiding Sherman and not knocking me over.

I love the way I call him and he comes running from wherever he is in the pasture.

I feel so blessed to have this boy in my life. I can hardly wait for our adventure to begin.

The Holidays and other such fragmented anecdotes

Today I sit at home in a quiet space. Mike when to church and I stayed home. I feel bad about staying home, but my face is a combination of black and blue and swollen red from the beating it took when my face made contact with a foal raising her head really fast.  I was bent over putting more feed in her feeder when she suddenly raised up, smacking me square in the face.  I saw stars, thought I would cry, and pass out all the at the same time. I was so stunned that I thought about crying out for help, but not only was the wind blowing 50 miles per hour, my half deaf husband (really, not being mean) was in the house and wouldn't have heard me anyway. So I staggered back and finished feeding, all while feeling blood rush down my nose and from my mouth.  When I got back in the house I was happy to see it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but my gums were bleeding above my two front teeth...Never thought I would consider that I might have to sing "all I want for Christmas is my Two front Teeth" ever again.  Considering I have such a high prejudice over people with missing teeth I was very relieved to find that they were loose, just bleeding and skinned up.  I immediately got ice on my nose and my mouth, but needless to say it still swelled up and I feel like I was in a cage fight to the death.  Poor little mare didn't mean to do it...purely she zigged when I zagged.  It's the first time in 30 years that anything like this has happened to me...ouch.

Today it is so cold and Blustery. I can't remember a morning it has been this cold in Texas in...well, I can't remember. It reminds me a little of when I left Iowa, thinking the weather would be better in Indiana and we got a huge ice storm with temps at or below zero just a month or after I moved there.  The water froze on the troughs and we couldn't go anything except take buckets of warm water out to the horses because it was too cold for words.  Finally the troughs overflowed with the warm water we had dumped on the troughs to melt it and then we had to carry buckets out to offer water every couple hours.  Everything was in a state of emergency...made us happy we had hot dogs and eggs in the house.

Last night we had our holiday dinner with Mike;s family and it was really great. Good food, good fun, good family.  We stayed way too late and slept way to little, but it was totally wonderful. I love being part of this family.  It was so much fun to play with Xandra and William (my grandchildren) and hold the baby, Jonathon, though I think he does not like my perfume bc I couldn't get him to quit crying. I'm fairly good with babies usually, but I didn't have the right moves yesterday it seems.

I'm heading out to feed horses in a few minutes, but it's so cold. I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm making some hot water up to warm their bellies with their mashes.  I usually carry a bucket around to each other their buckets, but I think today I will bring the buckets in and then take the buckets back out to them rather than have to be dressed up like an eskimo toting heavy, wet feed around.  It's been kind of a weird, round robin kind of  day with one task reminding me of another. I have been paying bills, canceling subscriptions to save money (trying to figure out how to get my drop box files over to one of my other 2 gmail accounts so I can save myself the money I have been spending on drop box each month. I have to take violet out periodically because she is kennel confined.  She is really good about telling me when she needs to go out.

I had to make the unfortunate decision not to travel to Missouri for Christmas. With all the money we spent on the dog, we just don't have the money to travel. Plus we have to take Violet anywhere we go and our family isn't particularly dog friendly.   So, we will have a quiet Christmas here at home and finish getting me moved to Purmela.

Heading out to the cold...

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Analysis Paralysis--horse feeding

I have a herd of  various horses with various needs...They eat different amounts, need different calorie counts and have different positions in the herd. I'm trying to figure out what to feed and how to feed them best that each one gets what he/she needs. 

Gorgeous Dixie Lynn--pretty much lives on pasture, but needs a few more calories through the        winter--near bottom of the herd.
Mike's Dixie--lives on just pasture and hay and is fat--near bottom of the herd
Sherman--needs a fair amount of high quality feed and is a bully about being fed, so needs a larger  amount of feed and needs to be kept from stealing the other horse's feed
Liberty--Much like Sherman, needs a higher volume of feed, but can't keep his feed away from  Sherman when he wants it.   
Duke--Mike's 3 year old who is still a stallion (this will soon be rectified). He was out running around  with Mike's Dixie, a foal (Stormy) and a mule until we penned him up to start getting him halter  broke and turned into a solid citizen.  He has gone from heavy to too skinny. I'm contemplating  letting him out to eat more forage than the hay he has been getting. I have been feeding him a couple  times per day, but he frets when left alone and has not done well in confinement. So I need to make  sure he can eat all his feed, but that he feels secure enough to actually start eating again.
Jezebelle--Mike's mule who is on her way to live somewhere else (someone want a mule that is  mostly wild and likes to stomp dogs, gorgeous, but cagey and hates dogs.
Stormy--6 month old foal who is of good weight...a little too heavy but since it's winter I don't want  to cut her back too much.
Hermoso--Paso fino gelding from a rescue in florida...very cute, not a bad weight but could gain  more. Hasn't come to Mike's yet, so I'm not sure what will happen when he comes here.  He  currently eats Bluebonnet Omega Force feed (which I love) but not a huge amount.
Vandy--Needs a little more weight, but has held his weight well at Teresa's over the last month on  pasture, getting fed sporadically. Also currently eats Bluebonnet.
Joe Bob--Yes, his name is really Joe Bob. He has been on one scoop of One and only, which I can't  get down here. Not sure about his ease of keeping yet, but he may be slightly insulin resistant and  may have to have his sugar watched.

Liberty, Sherman, Vandy, Hermoso, and Gorgeous Dixie were all with me in Bluff Dale.  Duke, Jezabelle, Stormy and Mike's dixie were all at his house to start.  He fed his horses Omolene 300 (because of the foal, who was an orphan) and Country Acres 12/8 pellets. I fed my horses Bluebonnet Omega force. It is similar to Ultium and another ADM feed that was high in Omega 3's.  The price point is around $25 per bag give or take.  Mike's feed is much less expensive and I can get it down the road, but I have been so happy with the Bluebonnet I really hate to switch. It seems like they could all eat it and be ok if I fed it in adjusted amounts, but dang, it's so expensive. I have wondered about feeding the "working" horses the better feed and the ones who are just hanging out something else.  

I know there are a million different ways to do this and there isn't a right or a wrong, but there are so many choices I have a hard time making up my mind.

What I haven't been able to decide or figure out is if omolene is good for the horses or's been around for so long but it seems like it has too much sugar? Shrug. I have been guilty of buying the TSC 12% sweet feed in a pinch too and they don't seem to be suffering.

But the real dilemma is how to get some weight on Duke really fast. So I would love some suggestions...

Anyway, pardon the paralysis, and please I do take constructive advice.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I must be getting old

I have gone to bed before 9 the last 4 nights...2 of them were because we were camping, one because we were pooped from camping, and  last night was because at 8:42 we were just tired.  Tonight I am at "my" house in bluff dale. I had a glorious afternoon of getting things done planned, only to have truck trouble in Hico. Of course Mike was there to save the day. Turned out that the oil filter had blown out all the oil. Easy fix, but turned my productive afternoon into an unproductive one.

I have had to begin to admit that I am a morning person.  I'm not an extreme morning person, but I confess I'd rather get up early and do some things I enjoy from riding to working out to just drinking coffee and watching TV, in the morning than at night.  I started to watch a show this evening and at the first commercial break I turned it off. I flipped through my DVR and instead of finding a show I wanted to watch I deleted half the contents.  I don't like to pay bills at night and I love to crochet and watch TV most evenings, but tonight I have a cat in my lap and we are quite cozy.  

I am coming to the end of my time here in Bluff Dale and I'm ready to move on. I didn't see clients today because of the truck and I plan to tomorrow, but I also know that I'm not really loving dragging myself into the city.  I still haven't gotten word about my second interview back and I hate to not keep working as much as possible or January will be very lean.  I have things lined up, I just have to follow up and make them happen. I don't really want to start delivering pizzas for a living, though it certainly wouldn't be the first time I have done something like that.  

In any case, I'm heading to bed soon. I have been texting Mike but he hasn't been answering, which tells me he has probably already fallen asleep in his chair.  I have on a snuggy and a cat and I'm still chilly, so it may be time to soon crawl into bed with a good book.  

Speaking of books, I have received three books from the book club that Natalie had us do. They all look good.

Mike and I had a great ride this weekend at Parrie Haynes in spite of the cold.  He got first and first. He told me if I was fierce enough to scare off the competition then I could have blue ribbons too. Liberty and I weren't on our best game this weekend. Amy got first and Kate second. I know that they had great rides on their calm and quiet ponies. It makes me wonder again why I do this with this horse. He is emotional and naughty and misbehaves so often, but I love him dearly and we are a good team.  This week just wasn't our week.  There are a lot of good people in CP this year and who knows if we will stack up when it's all said and done.  Vet judge said he was a little off in the left front...that is the leg from Colorado.  Liberty may be getting to an age where we have to take it easier. he's only 15 and I hate to think of that because he has the heart and the spirit of a youngster.  But he may need an easier life :-(

I was going to get up and ride in the morning and Thursday like I did last week...only I realize that in spite of having a couple of saddles here I don't have girths or stirrups and no bridles or helmets, so I guess I will be doing work the next couple mornings instead. It's ok as I need to do my music therapy CEU stuff and that will be good to have out of the way.  I just felt so great when I got out and rode last week and soon I will be dealing with black gumbo farm mud instead of sandy farm soil.  oh well...

Monday, November 28, 2016

Weird Mood Monday

Mike and I had a great party this last weekend on what would have been our wedding day (if we hadn't already gotten married in Oct.) The weather was fairly pleasant. About 10-12 people showed up, mostly riders, but a few non-riders.  I got to ride both Hermoso and Vandy...never got around to riding Liberty, who didn't seem to really care.  Hermoso is a little rock star and gaits beautifully. I still haven't gotten anything but a nice walk and trot out of Vandy, but I don't really care. His laid back personality is amazing and he trots very smoothly, so it's all good.  I'm sure I will sort out the gaiting when I get his saddle situation worked out.  We were going to ride on Sunday but a cold, blustery wind blew in sending the remaining riders home. Mike and I spent the afternoon watching TV and I crocheted.

I was feeling oddly anti-social and quiet.  He slept on and off and we had talked about going to the movies, which we didn't do because I just didn't want to put real clothes back on after putting on my PJ's.  I think I really disappointed Mike, but he didn't say so until later. I hated that I did. I told him to speak up and let me know what he really thinks. I could have been talked into going to the movies, it just wasn't my first instinct to go once I got comfy.  I should have sucked it up and gone...but we will go tonight so it's all ok

Mike had to run to waco, but will be back to watch the riding and learn about the Paso Fino horses and gaiting later.  Right now I'm sitting in my PJ's contemplating my first cup of coffee and knowing I need to get off the couch very soon and feed the horses.  Again I'm comfy in my pj's.

I am in a weird in between transition state. I have stuff and Mike's and stuff here. I don't live anywhere right now, but I long to be in Purmela FT.  In the past I could have split my time pretty easily, but now I just want to be where Michael is.  I made the decision that I could not drive into Austin every week to see clients, even if it's 4 of them. It's just too far and the thought of that much time in the car really stresses me out.  I'm really hoping for the job at New Horizons, or just to keep building work up closer to home. I have evals to do on clients around Waco and that is a much more reasonable drive.  If I can get up to 10-12 clients per week I'll be doing just fine and then I'll have the Yes and Star programs when they get up and running.

This last week some old anxiety has crept back in. I have been using my essential oils and deep breathing to fight it off, but my serenity has been a little disturbed. I don't like it. I want to get my laid back and chill summer and fall back. I know it's just all the upheaval and change tends to make me a little emotional, but there is no reason for me to feel stressed over things I can not control.  I also think that maybe I have tried to stretch myself working up here too much. I'm committed to working up here through the 16th for some clients and the next week for others...I'm thinking I should have cut it off sooner. However, being practical and wanting to have a paycheck in January I have stretched it out till give myself more money. This is fiscally responsible, just emotionally draining.

In the end it will all work out. Time does march on whether I want it to or not and I will be living in Purmela sooner than later.  This week I just have to see clients, and then I have a ride to attend.

That is part of what is getting me down too. My beloved NATRC has a competition this weekend and we only have 20 entries.  This upsets me for the ride manager, but it also upsets me for the other managers who have rides to manage in the spring, and one of those people is me. I have already been thinking really small as far as managing costs and expenses.  I'm very nervous though about how much money I'm going to lose and how I'm going to pay for it all.  I want to do it as a benefit for the special olympics of gatesville, but the bills all have to be paid first.  I have a great group of people to help me, but other people, who I used to be able to count on, are not there for me right now.  That means that people I would have hoped would come ride will likely not make it for different reasons. I don't have the friend card to pull to get those entries.  I really don't understand where the riders have gone. I thought we were on the upswing, but, at least for this ride, we have fewer than normal entries for a competition that should be fuller.  We have people coming from out of state, but other people, who live around the corner, are not coming.

I will have fun no matter what. It will be Liberty's first competition since Robber's Route so he should be fresh and fattened up.  It will be Michael's first ride ever and we will have a good time riding together.  I don't have any idea how well we will do in competition, but I don't actually care. It's just for fun.  In the spring I may be riding Hermoso, just to change things up a bit and give Liberty a break. I would never give him time off completely as he is always my choice of horse to ride, but he may need a break from competing.For me, this is a year of going to rides with Mike and spending time together. That is what I care about most.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

I woke up angry

Over the last few days a lot of things that I had previously been hurt about have been making me angry.  I decided instead of stuffing those emotions, or setting them aside or trying to just forget about it, I would go ahead and feel the anger and try to work through it.  I hate that this is going to be one of those "vaguebook" posts but it just has to know like Law and Order "the names have been changed to protect the innocent"

I still continue to just ache over the loss of some of my friendships. It's getting better, but I don't think it will be gone until I just get the anger out, quit being hurt and start being mad.  I have been trying to fix something I didn't do...which has been much the pattern of my childhood and youth.  I was always trying to fix things that I didn't cause; trying to make people happy when I hadn't made them unhappy. I'm learning to accept that some people are just unhappy.  Some people choose to let things get in their way and then blame others.

I have always been a closure kind of person. If I'm going be done with someone I want to be done. I don't mean saying mean things and burning bridges, but I prefer the direct "i don't want to hang out with you anymore" approach to just vanishing and ignoring.  I'd rather get it out there and have that argument and know where I stand than to continue to put time and effort into something that brings me no return.  The problem is, I will keep coming back and trying to fix it because that's just who I am.  I don't want the bridges burned. I want the friendships and relationships.  So I often keep banging my head against the wall when the other person just wants me to go away and not talk about it.

I also despise spin.  I hate it when I think that is my bosom friend and Kindred spirit (as Anne Shirley described Diana Berry in Anne of Green Gables) just to find out that they are only my bosom friend whenever it suits them.  So many times I have thought I had someone I could count on only to find out that things are being said or done behind my back that indicate otherwise.  When I pledge to someone I mean it.  I would not do well in Survivor as I don't know how to pretend I'm making another choice.  So, it hurts and angers me whenever people think I have other motives. I will typically tell you what my motives are.  You don't have to discern them.

Over the last couple years I have been sent hurtful texts about me meant to be sent to other people. This has blown my mind b/c it has shown me what people really think about me.  And it hasn't been true. The things they have texted weren't the case at all and the fact that someone would think them was so amazingly hurtful that I wanted to cry. Only, at the same time, it was surprisingly not a surprise because of the above some point opinions were set forth about me behind my back that were more believable than who I really am.

I know that in the past stress made me behave differently than I really am. I was in such a constant state of uncertainty about my life that I wasn't stable. Several people have told me over the last year how much more relaxed I am now...and so much happier. Other people have questioned my sanity at moving forward with my marriage so quickly. One person commented that it's amazing when God is doing great things in your life it looks crazy to the rest of the world, but it's so obvious to you in the situation. This was a profound statement and reminded me to not judge the decisions people are making because if we aren't living their lives we don't know what is motivating them.  What looks crazy to us might be the blessing they are looking for.

I am so blessed to be starting a new chapter of my life.  I have Michael as my rock. He is the best friend I have searched for all my adult life. The one person I know will always have my back even if we disagree. I am the same for him...of course we have not had any true disagreements so far. He will settle me down and redirect me, but no arguments. We just fit together so well and I am so blessed that God has brought him to my life. I have learned over the last year who my real friends are, old and new. I have learned who I really can trust and who I trusted before that perhaps I should not have.  It's been a painful and rewarding time.  I can not change what others think of me. Someone recently told me that "your opinion of me is none of my business"...I think I will try to remember that moving forward and let go of the anger.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The Last Year

Today I have been contemplating all the changes to my life in the last year. I have been thinking about who I was when I was going, who I was a year ago, who I am now and who I will still become. I have been thinking about all the support I have had to arrive in this location. However I have also been thinking about the friends I have lost and the people who have been hurt by me. I'm grateful for the first and saddened by the latter. I do wish I could be the person I have become without the losses. I also know this is not possible.

Well there went a well thought out paragraph that vanished Because I didn't save properly. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be shared.

A year ago I was preparing to move out and start anew life. I don't think I did it the right way. In fact on the other side I'm sure I did not do things at all well but in the thick I needed to make a move And make changes. After struggling for years it was time to move on. The continued fallout surprises me because I truly thought the feelings we're mutual and it was necessary for one of us to move forward. I still don't think there was ultimately another answer.  I foolishly believed that we could move forward with no backlash but I now see that isn't the case. I miscalculated. I hurt more people in my miscalculation. I am paying attention now.

I originally wrote this on Sept 14. I just thought I had more to say and hadn't published it. Today I realized it was complete and ready to go.

This year has taught me a lot and I am not for a second sorry I took my steps forward. I thank the Lord that things happened in my life the way they did or I would not be where I am now. I love the rascal flats song 'bless the broken road'  I feel like it is exactly how I got here and I praise the Lord for the bad times that led me to this time in my life.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

the right Path

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalms 16:11 NASB

This is today's verse of the day and a good follow up to yesterday. Yesterday I was reminded not to take vengeance or hold a grudge. Today I reminded that God will show me my path.

I have spent so many years allowing myself too be tried in the court of public perception. I never wanted to know that someone thought badly of me. I wanted to make everyone my friend.  I practice being friendly to people I don't even especially like because I feel that it is good and kind. I also feel like each person has qualities that are worth loving even if I don't like them. There isn't a person on earth I wouldn't assist if they needed me regardless of my greetings for them, or if I even know them.

I spent so many years saying yes to other's demands that I often lost track of myself and I over worked myself. I wanted people to think I was a super woman, but truth is I often did a poor job of everything I took on.  I have been learning over the last decade to be more true to myself. I'm following a path I feel God has outlined for me over an ego driven path that seeks human approval.

But what do you do when key humans object to your path?  I don't feel it is necessary to convince anyone I on the right path but it is often hard to be separated from people with whom you would like to have a relationship. Or even worse, with people who have been an important past of your life and have now gone a different way. When you love someone you share their hurt and their joy.  I appreciate that people live us enough to be concerned about the speed of our relationship but I also wish they could share our joy. I know there has to be a balance of concern and acceptance. I'm just not sure where the line is. We know we are on the right path and we know we are walking in God's path but approval of humans makes things so much easier.

I am so lucky to have Michael in my life. I feel that he is a gift straight from heaven. I know we have moved fast. The funny past is that I have never been a fast mover. I have always been the holdout in a relationship, holding back part of myself or peeking around the corner to make sure I've made the right choice and that no one better is out there. After meeting and loving Michael I don't think I can imagine anyone else in my life again. We fit each other so well. We like each other other's company so much. I never believed in soul mates before but now I do.

A friend told me a quote today: your opinion of me is none of my business. I like it and I need to remember that goes both way and keep my own opinions to myself more often, Because this opinion thing is a two way street.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Playing games

I have two swirling thoughts today that may or may not go together. The first is this Bible Verse from Leviticus 19:18

You shall not take vengeance or bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

I have some people I'd like to take vengeance on hehe. I know I'm not supposed to and I'm struggling with this today. Yesterday at church Jess said that the enemy will put in front of us the thing that we struggle with, so here it is...

But, while not bearing a grudge or passing judgement does that mean we are supposed to just roll over and "take it". I don't mean all out warfare, but isn't just sitting the person you have the problem with down to talk better than knowing the problems are being hashed out in the shadows?  I feel like it is.  I don't mean fighting, though sometimes clearing the air does lead to a fight. Sometimes clearing the air means understanding that you aren't going to work it out. It may mean situations can be salvaged or it may mean you accept that there is no fixing it.

I know some people find confrontation and directness to be uncomfortable. I hate being confronted when I've done something wrong and feel like I'm in trouble, but at the same time I find it cathartic to have a resolutions and closure even when it's not the closure I originally had hoped for. I'm learning that not everyone feels that way. Many people just find it easier to turn away, stop talking and tip toe into the shadows.  I'm learning that if someone has that comfort level, that is often what we "nip it in the bud" types have to accept as well.. No matter our good intentions we can fix every situation. We can't make everyone like us or accept us. We can't always have a positive outcome.  While this makes me sad, I am learning to accept these facts without holding a grudge, but I do always hold sadness for those people I have lost.

Soon I will be starting a whole new adventure. I find it hard now to continue walking in my old path with the new path so close at hand.  My wedding is November 26 at Bluff's going to fun and casual. I hope people bring their horses and ride and hang out.  It's BYOB and bring appetizers and desserts and just eat drink, dance, spend a few minutes getting us married and then continue to play.  I can hardly wait.

Leaving my house at Teresa's is going to be really hard because I love it so much.  However I'm sure that someone else will love it and take care of it after me.

Sunday, September 4, 2016


I guess I'm processing a lot at night.  My dreams are crazy and strange. I dreamed that I tried to do my own nails with dipping powder at home. Crazy...

I dreamed about people with whom I have been friends that are now distant. In the dream our friendships are restored, which is unfortunately not the case. My subconscious supplied some of the answers to my conscious questions for why things are how they are. It has helped provide closure and clarity on a chapter of my life. My dreams have shown me what I did wrong and what I can't take responsibility for. I'm struck by how a dream sees that the conscious mind misses.

Today in church the minister talked about how we are often faced with the items that tempt us. As I have been attending church again I have been making better choices and I have noticed many old habits and acquaintances falling Away and my friends are better. I'm learning to stay focused on what is good and let go of what isn't. I'm learning not to take responsibility for things that I don't have control over.

We don't resist sin often enough. The pastor is right...he says we invite sin. I never thought about it but that's true. When I was younger and more idealistic I can say I resisted but I can't say I do this anymore. As adults We tend to take the easiest path. I had not thought about this in a long time but it is true.

Our focus on Christ is most important. If we stay focused on God we will stay positive.  If we step away God will forgive us if we ask.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

The price of work

I have been considering my work and what I earn and wondering, not wondering, knowing I need to make some changes but not really knowing what changes to make. I am a music therapist and a !massage therapist working primarily with children and adults with special needs. I also do massage work with a hospice (my favorite work) and I am working on becoming a doula and doing music therapy child birth assistant work.  I have built my business around traveling to people's homes to see them. I have been happiest when I had 10-13 hours of work. Of course this is when Maggie was younger and I was taking her places. I"m capable of more work, this has just been my sweet spot.  I have had up to 22 hours which is just too many. I currently hold 18 (and all this is not including hospice) and it has me working 3.5 days per week.  I could spread some of them out more, but since I live far away from the city it makes more sense to just to hit it hard when I'm in town and not drive to town more than I have to.  

I have been figuring what it costs me to earn what I earn. I make good money per hour and I won't deny that for a minute. There are a lot of 'non billable' things that have to be done in the course of a week as well and they are what leaves me feeling like I'm always working.  There is always a note to write or paperwork to do. It's frustrating to never feel like I'm finished working.  I also am lucky in that I can make my own schedule, so I'm not really least not much.  I have always looked at my hand's on hours is half of what I do and I double that in my mind to know how many "real" hours I'm working and this seems like a viable formula.  So with 18 hours, I'm in reality working 36 hours, which is almost full time.  Of course, this doesn't take into account the extra people I see or the hospice people which is over and above. That number comes and goes so I don't count it as part of my week. Also, some weeks a lot of people cancel, so I am rarely seeing all 18 hours of clients.

I have been wondering if I should reduce my hours to drive into the city one less day.  As I approach my November wedding and eventual move to Purmela this would seem to make sense.  I am finding that i just don't tolerate the late nights and getting home after 1030 or 11 pm like I used to. I guess I'm getting old and I just don't have the energy I used to.  I now have so many day time clients I don't have to work as late...Conversely I have so many day time clients that I can't start as late to make up for the late nights.  I got home last night at 10. I got to sleep after 11.  I had a hard time waking up this morning to go see the clients I have this morning.  I just hate to give up the income of the extra 2.5 hours of work.  Of course I am praying about it and I feel God pressing on my heart to make this choice. I know that He will ultimate take care of me, I just hate to be foolish about my decision.  I wonder if I have been trying to do too much in any case. I find myself wondering what other therapists who do outcall work do.  

I have the opportunity to become the backup therapist at a massage establishment close to where I will be living. However I'll be an employee, I'll make half of what I make per hour now and I will lose much of the flexibility I have grown to love about my life.  The pros are simple, less money spent earning what I earn and more time at home.  As I become part of a new family unit these choices will have to be made, but I had decided not to make these choices until after we got married.  I have (probably unreasonable) concerns that if I go ahead and move my things and give up my house...what if something happened and we didn't get married. I don't mean like we break up...but what if something happened before we got married. Then I would be out of a house and out of a job and pretty much in a bad spot. So, we decided I should wait to make those changes till after the wedding. I'm at peace with that decision completely. It allows me to make one change without making a bunch of changes at once.  However, it also leaves me wondering how much is too much work? How much free time is reasonable? Is there something else I should be giving up besides money earning potential?  Is this something I need to just push through?

This is what I have been thinking about...

addendum. I found out that a couple agencies are looking for therapist near waco and Killeen ao if I give upy monday clients or shift them in will end up.filling that day with new opportunities. this is honestly thr point of consolidation: to move me closer to a career in the new location. 

Monday, August 22, 2016

Another weird dream

I have been starting my mornings with strange dreams. They occur during the time my alarm goes off, or just before and go through when I finally push up and get out of bed.

This morning I dreamed that I was in a college cafeteria, but it was outdoors. I had been working at a long table, waiting for lunch time with my friends. I had my stuff all over the end of the table. My friends started to pile in and I got up to get my lunch. One of my music therapy teachers, Joe Pinson,  was there ordering food. He didn't realize it was the first day of classes...he used to teach college so I thought that was funny that he didn't realize classes were supposed to start that day.  I was trying to eat healthy so I got a banana and a yogurt and a tiny soft shelled taco.  When I got back to the table I found that one of my  friends had sat in my spot. I asked her to move and she refused saying her husband was coming and she needed a spot for both of them.  I replied that Michael was also coming and that all my stuff had been there. She told me she had moved me down the table.  So began part of my dream when every time I got up, my stuff and been moved. Finally I could not find my things or my food.  The disrespect and the lack of caring really got to me in the dream.  I ended up going off on the girl who had moved my things and her husband.  I was really angry with them and I tried to tell them all the things I have been holding back. Only every time I would start to get to the point of what I was saying I would lose my voice and no one could hear me.  I thought that one of the others in the group was on my side and that she would try to help me, but she agreed with them.  I left the table with Michael, in tears, trying to explain everything I was feeling, but still having no voice.

I don't need any interpreter to know what this dream is about.  I felt disrespected and undervalued in the group and Michael stood by me, which is awesome.  I couldn't tell my friends my concerns b/c I didn't feel like they would hear me anyway. In the end I just made a lot of people angry and accomplished nothing.  I think this dream embodies some of my recent relationship frustration where there are people with whom I would I like to talk but it is an awkward situation and talking it out may not even help.  It embodied my frustration with not being heard and feeling like my opinion is not important. The worst part is that when I tried to have my say,no one could hear me and I changed no one.  The best part of the dream is that my subconscious knows (and my conscious mind already knew) that Michael is truly on my side and my friend.  He is my rock and the best thing that has happened to me in this lifetime.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Tough Day

I sit here at my little desk in my's after 9 and I haven't even been in the house an hour yet. I have so many things swirling in my head and I have so much work to do....I had planned to come in and write my notes and watch some TV, but I find I really just like the quiet.  This is how I'm reminded that i really do need a paperwork day.  My paperwork is due by mail in Houston on Tuesday.  It's really hard to get it there unless i do it late and mail it priority on Saturday. I can get it there by Tuesday by Fed Ex ground as well, but I have to be on it early Monday morning. I had grand ideas that I'd get everything written and send it at the PO first thing in the morning, but it's clearly not happening. I do need to go to the PO first thing in the morning. I Have packages to pick up, but my brain is far too tired to write notes tonight. In spite of the fact that I don't enjoy early morning I'm more productive at 6a than I am at 9pm.

Three cats are out and one is lying on the bed with Bailey.  Pepper doesn't like dogs...or other cats really much.  She is curled up sleeping. Bailey is stretching out on the other bed. I'll have to get the other cats in before it gets too late because I like them and don't really want them to die.

When Michael and I get married the hardest part is going to be staying focused on my work when it needs to get done.  I enjoy being around him so much that it's hard for me to buckle down and work.  And he wakes up much earlier than me, chipper, and wanting to watch the news. I'm either going to have to learn to work with the TV on or go out to "the cabin" to do my work and wake up at my own pace.  He is the most considerate man I have ever met (I am NOT disrespecting anyone I have been with previously, fyi, this is just commentary on how kind HE is) and he will do whatever I need without question. I need to find my own balance so he is not burdened with that task.

I have decided that for now I'm not going to look for a job closer to his home. I'm going to keep my little house at Teresa's for as long as I can stand to split my time between his house and here. I will slowly start to put feelers out and through one of my contracts I will start to find work closer to his house.  I will be up here about 3 nights per week, maybe less sometimes, and down there the other four. This will give me a chance to get married and then find work instead of trying to do it all at once.  I am also going to rearrange my furniture here again to get the big TV out of the bedroom and make it more "2 person" friendly.  That way if he's here and can't sleep or I have work to do and he wants to sleep we will have a more functional space to make that happen.  It's all a process.

My trailer is still not getting any hits. I'm not sure why but I do need to get it sold. I'm hoping to work on cleaning out so I can take photos of the inside tomorrow morning, but I have some other stuff going on so who knows.  I've reduced the price to $4800, but that won't include the hi tie, since that itself is $300+.  So anyone interested in a horse trailer with a great place to sleep email me.

I found out today that my first CTR horse, Delicato, a shagya mare, died earlier in the summer. The folks who had her and were using her for lessons kept meaning to call me but just never got around to it.  They were busy, so I'm not upset that they didn't call, but it is sad knowing she's not in the world. I realized today that all my KY pets are gone now...

Deli was not a great CTR horse, nor was she a great dressage horse, but she turned out to be a great lesson horse in her later years.  She did not really like the ever changing things on the trail and while she tried so hard to be a good trail horse she would sometimes lose her marbles and spook, which almost always meant that I fell off.  One time, at Parrie Haynes ranch, we were cantering along a trail and out of the blue she spooked and I came off so hard I lost my shoes.  I had a hurt tail bone for weeks (months?) only happened 2-3 times per year but it was always big and I almost never stayed on.  I wish I had been the rider I am now when I had her. I'm sure we could have done better things together now. She was a beautiful creature to look at but she hated other horses.  She would get after any of the horses than came near her when being ridden.  I will have to ask Laurie/Sarah at the NATRC office how many miles she had in CTR. Not that many I'm sure. We competed at 2 rides in 2002 and 5 in 2003. I think there were 2 in 2004 and then in 2005 and 2006 just a smattering.  2007 I took her to be bred but rode her in 1 competition on the way there...she lost her mind and we had to pull just before the 2 mile marker on the 2nd day. So close to the end...

Besides her CTR career she did a little pony club with Maggie, a little dressage with me. She liked to jump if it wasn't too hard, but had a habit of ducking out at the last minute given a chance. She was mother to Fiera, who like her mom didn't really like trail and is happily doing therapeutic riding in Arkansas....

I have posted some photos of her on I mentioned above she was a beautiful horse. She will be missed.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Coming home

This is the first, non-horse related vacation I have had..ever. I think...I did go to that drumming retreat but that was for CMTE's when Maggie was 2 and while it was fun and cathartic in many ways it wasn't really a vacation. Since leaving home 8 days ago we have paid very little attention to clocks and it has been wonderful. Now we are back on the boat, sitting in the martini bar relaxing on the last day. At 8 pm we have name that tune in the martini lounge. 
The vacation has worn us out in a good way. We have learned as to sleep past our normal alarm and wake up after 7. We have had leisurely days and quiet nights. We have hung out like people getting in a routine so, but it has never been boring. I have found my movie watching soulmate--we can watch any movie at anytime without it being a problem if it's not our favorite movie. We have met New people and he embraces these social experiences like I do. We talk or we happily exist side by side. I love this man. 
I'm never I'm trouble' in this relationship. There is on.y joy and fun. 
The Bahamas were an interesting place. Food was ok but not super exciting. All except for dinner last night which was fantastic. The workers at the resort were either really nice or kind of rude. There was no in between. Things were how they were. At the coffee shop they were out of half and half. I asked for more and they just said no there isn't anymore. There was about zero attempt at customer service. I wondered  if it was the all inclusive nature of the resort that made workers feel like they didn't get tipped enough. The highlight of the island people was the bus driver back to the boat, who was hilarious. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Off to the Bahamas

We have made it Ft. Lauderdale. I had gotten a little nervous because I had read the reviews on the hotel before we got here and they made it sound awful. It's not bad...not the greatest hotel but it's comfy and quiet and the staff is super nice. The food is "meh" but since we are going on a cruise and the Bahamas, I don't actually care.  Plus, it's free so I can't complain at all about any of that. We do have to sit through a time share sales pitch this afternoon and we plan to say no over and over. Furthermore they told us at check in if we know we aren't interested to just stay no and appear as uninterested as possible. I Figure I'll take my electronics and my crochet/knitting and that will make it easy to ignore them. One couple who just got back said that they are relentless on the hounding you for timeshare work, but just to say no and they will eventually let us go...

I saw on the news that Balise is having a hurricane. Glad we aren't going there.

I have been mulling over an interpersonal problem the last 12 hours.  It's something I don't think I can fix and that I'm going to have to let go, but I'm still troubled.  I have apologized for what I did (and honestly I don't even remember doing it) multiple times (this is the not the first time this issue has come up). I understand that I was hurtful. I also understand that I can't undo it and that the consequences of my behavior have to be experienced.  I find myself puzzled by so many things in this situation that I have to let it go but it's hard.

One year ago I had such a tight group of girlfriends.  Over the last year that group has fallen apart and it has been implied that it's my fault.  I don't feel like it was all me...I feel like I was thrown under the bus multiple times by multiple people till it because clear that the people I most relied on were not really the people I should be trusting.  At any point these people could have come to me and talked to me about the problems and I would have either made an effort to change or I would have said that I was unable to comply.  In either case I would not be sitting her a year later wondering who I can trust and who I can't.  Of course the whole situation comes back to trust because I evidently violated trust as well.

Sometimes I feel like this is all part of God's plan to move me forward out of the past and into my future.  I am physically farther away from many of these people than I was before. I have different concerns in my life than I did before. I'm getting remarried in the next 4 months and will be moving to a new location. I now have an adult daughter. I have a fiance who likes to ride. I have a best friend and partner that I value more than all of these other friendships.

The part that hurts in all of this is that I feel misunderstood. Whatever I did wrong, I never did anything being vindictive.  I never did anything to cause hurt intentionally.  It hurts so much that the people involved think that I was purposely mean instead of the clueless I was.  I continue to be amazed that for all my good intentions there are so many people who continue to question that goodness I truly hold in my heart more often than not.  I'm not saying that I don't have human feelings of dislike or hate or sometimes even think about revenge.  But I rarely if ever act on them.  I try to do what I should do all the time even when I don't want to. Or I do nothing.  The biggest, most human part of me in all this wants to know who threw me under the bus...

So I'm letting this go and I'm going to go have fun.  I can hardly wait to go on the boat or the Bahamas beach.  I am on vacation. I can read, drink, rest, swim, crochet, play sims...whatever I think is relaxing.

The plan is to get back on Monday (boat leaves tomorrow). Then we w will drive to Ocala and have dinner with Glenn the Geek and Coach Jenn. We hope to make it to Mobile that night and then drive the rest of the way home Tuesday.  I feel like I'll need a day before I get back to work.  Funny part is that we will be back Wednesday and Thursday (both have things to do Thursday) and then we leave for the JUGGS weekend at Parrie Haynes on Friday.  Then it will be back to real life I guess...sadness reigns. 

Sunday, July 31, 2016

New orleans

Neither Mike nor myself had ever been to New Orleans. I'm not sure that our night layover actually counts but now we have been to New Orleans. It was nothing like I expected. It smelled bad and there were drunk people everywhere. Ok, this I expected. We are a snack at midnight and went to a piano bar to meet a friend, but then We couldn't get in bc the line was too long and these two old people didn't want to wait in line.

This morning we had beignets in hotel lobby and I saw my first bloody Mary bar. He had 4 different kinds of vodka ranging from jalapeno to bacon. I settled on a fancy olive infused vodka and Cajun mix with crystals hot sauce. I added pickled bacon, olives and bacon. And horse radish. It is really good but I'm glad Mike can help me drink it or I'd have a hard time walking.

We are waiting for Rachel (sister of a client who now lives here) to come get us for breakfast. We are going to a place called katie's for breakfast.

The original plan was to go to Orlando today and and the. See universal  and Harry potter world tomorrow. However I looked up tickets and was  immediately  shocked by the cost so I'm trying  to talk myself back into it. We might go to just the universal side with half of Harry potter world. But then I think oh what the neck...anyway we will see what time we get out of here and make decisions appropriately

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Praise you in this Storm

Casting Crowns Praise you in this Storm

I heard this song for the first time on Sunday during Church at the Boots and Saddle Cowboy Church in Gatesville, TX.  I wish I had heard it before Sunday because there are so many times that I could have used it over the last few years. Of course I have had other songs during times of trial but this song has really been a comfort this week. (Plus, I just love Casting Crowns)  Jess McCabe, the minister of the church told the story of how it was composed...A mother was in the hospital watching her son die and was literally praising God as he died. How powerful is that? Your child is dying, one of the worst things that can happen to a person but you are still praising God and his goodness.

Since I have been seeing Michael I have rediscovered my joy of attending church and being part of a church body.  Unfortunately because of travel schedules I have only gotten to go three times in the last 3 months, but it has been great.  I have been attending church at rides since beginning to ride NATRC in 2002, and it has been great. Interspersed had been attempts by Maggie, Peter and I to find a church home, but he and I had such diverse feelings about what type of church service we liked that it was difficult.  Because churches are made of humans sometimes working the maze of personalities and power play can be difficult and I can admit to finding it easier to just not go sometimes.  I had my NATRC church and my TTC church so it was enough.  I read my Bible, I prayed daily (Hourly) and read books about scripture, so I was never without God.  I was raised in a church and was a regular attendee through college.  I always longed for a marital relationship that made church a part of the relationship. It's such a joy to finally have that happen.

When things are going to easily in my life I admit to waiting for the other shoe to drop...I guess it sort of dropped yesterday.

I know you can't please everyone, but sometimes I find some people are just determined not to like a person.  For the most part everyone I have met has been so nice and so pleasant and so happy for Michael. My friends have been happy for me as well with the standard "take you time" caveats that we all give our friends whenever we see them driving head first toward a moving train.  I feel like those are part of loving your friends and are to be applauded and appreciated. But what about the people who have decided to not like a person from the beginning. What do you do to fix that or make it better and can you ever really?  And What do you do about the people who share personal items they should not in the name of saving a friend?

I am a good person. I have not always had things go my way and i have made decisions I wish I could go back and erase, but I am a good person. I am honest, I am loyal and I follow through (most of the time...sometimes I get a little too much on my plate and have to cry uncle).  I have never even had a conversation with any of these people and they have decided they dislike me.  It has sucked some of the joy out of my day and that's exactly how we need to bring people to Christ right? By sucking their joy and showing them how bad they are?  I know that I am a sinner. I know I have not always made the choices. However I feel strongly that some of those bad decisions have been character building experiences which have shaped me into the adult I am. I also believe that God is blessing me in this relationship.  Michael has pointed out to me that the flip side of wishing I had not made so many bad choices is the knowledge that every bad choice brought me here to this place to be with him. I believe that's true. I believe he and I are meant to be together. I believe that we will get married sooner than later.  It would just be so much easier if there weren't haters and detractors.

So, I will continue to pray and read my Bible and go to church and hope that the people who see me as one walking red flag can see that I am not. Sometimes life happens to us and sometimes we are in charge. Many of my bad choices were the former when I should have been the latter.  I feel like a butterfly who has finally come out of her cocoon. I just wish others could see the butterfly and all the amazing colors and not the nasty worm that I come from.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Happy 4th of July

So I wrote this awesome post that didn't publish...sigh

The gist was: I rode in a parade, I love Michael Perryman and I had deep thoughts about other relationships which will have to be rewritten later.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Life is good

I have had the great pleasure of spending the weekend at Michael's this weekend. Unfortunately he had to spend time baking hay so I also had the opportunity to watch tv and crochet which was truly relaxing and awesome. More unfortunately I made a mistake in the thing I was making and spent this morning frogging it.

Friday evening I went to Bible study at the pastor's house with Michael and several other couples. I saw some of them at church this morning and I'm on my way to making friends here. This is a great feeling.

I also realized it's just not that far here from my house and there is no reason I can't come here for part of the weekend and then be at home too. Today after church we will change my oil and head back to my house. I'm hoping we can go through some things in the red barn. We have plans to start paring down my stuff more. Michael is a huge help.

I spent part of yesterday making friends with his horses. I feel like they will be easy to start. I hope to bring my round pen down in the next month or so. I especially like his stallion and I am sure I'll like him even better after he if he a gelding.

Monday, June 20, 2016

don't rain on my parade

For all the naysayers,  dream crushers and reality biters of the world:just don't. of course I worry about being wrong, getting it wrong and feeling stupid. sometimes there is a connection that is inexplicable and complete and makes no sense to the outside world. there is no logical way to explain these feelings so we go on faith, and hope for the best. sometimes you meet someone so amazing and so perfect that there is nothing to do but surrender. of course time will tell and prove or disprove the feelings but for now I believe in love at first sight. how could you not of a man with a farm, tiny house, horses,cows,  dogs and cats who opens doors and brings yellow roses.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

How do you really know?

I have been negotiating various new relationship since my divorce. Some have been with girlfriends and some have been dating people. I have dated several people since I'm out in October. Most were not serious but we're just me stretching my wings and seeing what it felt like to be a single person. Most of my friends said to not get involved with someone but to take time and learned who I am. Only, I have always felt like I knew who I was so while I understood their advice I did not necessarily agree with it. I had other friends who have told me their tails of how they we're divorced but then quickly met somebody that captured their heart and they found themselves in a relationship again. Most of these stories are very positive and happy. It seems sometimes you just need the right person and all logic goes out the window and you feel for them love that you never expected to feel.

I have had one such experience , though brief , since my divorce. I went out with someone who I thought was the whole package. And I was completely wrong. He was not at all who I thought he was and after 2 months all the small and discrepancies that he told me about himself came to light and that was the end of that. It left me feeling embarrassed and gives me pause for the future. How do I know if I found the right one? What if I find that feeling again and I'm afraid to trust it and miss out on something real? How do you really know if the person you think you love is really the one you love forever? And when you're pretty sure they are the one you love forever how do you tell the people who have watched you flounder and make mistakes? When do you stop worrying about what your friends say and just Plunge in because you're  sure you got it right this time?

These are some of the things I am contemplating this morning. The thoughts fill my heart and my head with Terror and with a warm sense of peace that maybe I'm on the verge of getting it right this time.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Sunday is for rest and reflection.

After spending kind of a weird and melancholy day yesterday I am in a much better place today. I have the opportunity to work with a local massage therapist doing a couples massage and I went to town crabby became how much happier. I'm not really sure why other than being able to help someone else feel better and spend time with another person always improves my mood especially if the person is as pleasant as Audrey, the other massage therapist.

I was, for the most part embracing the lonely day on Saturday, knowing that my daughter was going to come visit today. However last evening she called and said she'd be unable to make it because her truck is still in the shop. I confess this made me pretty sad. I need some help working on things that take two people and there's the fact that I had bought tequila for us to make watermelon soaked margarita whatever's that we found on Pinterest. Of course they were for me, because Maggie doesn't drink. ;-). After her call I admit to being pretty sad and feeling lonely and kind of sorry for myself. However, I pulled out my yard and started working on the next row my project and my mood did improve pretty quickly. After all, it's not as though she didn't want to visit. I had made ice cream for us to eat. I doubt I'll be any left by the time she gets here but it was a healthier low-carb version of ice cream. So she might not like it anyway. It has strawberries and a banana,which you don't taste, and coconut milk just a tiny bit of Stevia. Only has 200 cal, which I consider to be a huge win.

When I woke up this morning it was almost 9 o'clock. I can almost never sleep past six or 615 because Bailey typically needs to go outside early in the morning. She has been having a bladder leaking problem so last night I left her outdoors so I wouldn't have to worry about her leaking on my furniture, my floor, my bed, or me. I also thought if she was having issues having to P she could do it outdoors. I probably need to run her to the vet. This is something that is happened before but not recently so I'm not sure what's going on. In any case, I made coffee and flipped on the television. It just happened that Joel Olsteen was on the TV.

As a rule, I don't watch television ministers. They typically do not interest me and I tend to be a little suspicious of anyone who is that popular with that many people in one location. Looking at the mega churches on the television makes me feel like the minister is really a rock concert artist or performer of some type rather than a man of God. I know that Joel has lots of detractors as well as people who like him a great deal and I'm not expressing an opinion about that one way or the other because I don't know. However, this morning he has a message for me I needed to hear. He said if you find that peopleare vacant from your life maybe it's God telling you that you need to turn to him. I have definitely been recently guilty of trying to fill the holes in my world with other people. I have felt a huge shift in the group of people that I call friends. Some I have grown closer to. Some have pulled away without me even really understanding why. In that case I honestly don't feel like I have done anything to closet and my efforts to fix it have gone unnoticed or unwanted. So one of the Scriptures he quoted was Gideons choosing of his army to fight. He had so many men and God said it was too many but he didn't trust God to provide the right number. In the end he fought his battle with 300 men instead of 30,000 men and one. I have been thinking a lot about this. In the past I have liked to have many different friends so that I can always have someone to do stuff with. However since I have moved I have only had a few friends that are close by enough to actually see. This is further made difficult by the fact that they are not always available when I'm available. So I have increasingly learn to rely on myself more. And then, not wanting to wear out the friends that I have, I have been adding more and more alone time. I think ultimately this is a good thing. But it has been a bit of a lonely path. There are one or two friends in particular who seem to have decided that they need to let me go. All of my efforts to reach out have gone on unanswered. One of the friendships I thought had been repaired but then it seems to have gone south again for no apparent reason. Part of me wants to ask why, and part of me knows that it really has nothing to do with me. And that I just need to let that one go.

It is hard to see your group of friends shift and change. I tend to not like that much change. I like living in a new place and I like living in the country but I did not want to lose the people that I felt were my emotional support. I understand a little bit of why I have lost them but at the same time I do not take full responsibility. They were the ones who convinced me to leave in the first place and then they decided that they didn't like the life that I was building. A few have come back around and we have sorted out our differences but others have just remained elusive. I am someone who prefers to talk it out even if we are going to disagree but I also know that not everyone feels that way. Some people prefer to just quietly fade away and just let everything go if life doesn't go the way they think it should. In the end, I will emerge a stronger person with better friends and a stronger reliance on God. Everything will be okay.

One of my dear friends sent me a meme on Facebook the other day that told me I had permission to rest. This was very important to me. She is right. I do not always take the time to rest that I should. So today I am filled with things I could be doing or should be doing or maybe out to be doing and instead I am sitting in my chair watching some television trolling Facebook and crocheting. Every now and then I get up and I move around. I change a lot of laundry I hang some up I take them down I sweep the floor. I have to feed horses later and I will probably also ride today. I will probably go to the storage building and bring some things in the house to put away this week. But mostly I have decided I will do nothing today but I don't want to do. It is Sunday which is a day of rest. Rest does not always mean sitting around in my mind. My father always said rest is whatever you find enjoyable.

Next weekend family will be in town for Maggie's graduation which is Monday, June 20. It is in Azle if anyone would like to attend. We are very proud of our graduate and excited to see her start her next venture

As usual I have dictated this blog through Dragon dictation. Any hilarious or misspoken typos are just that. Let me know and I will try to fix them.

Sent from my iPad

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

On good parenting

I've been thinking a lot about parenting. This is led me to think about the way I was parented and the good and bad things my parents did or did not do to turn me into the person I am today. I really should say help to turn me into the person I am today because at least part of me was me to start with and my parents help guide the way. I say good and bad things because as a parent I know that we never do things perfectly. Sometimes they hit a homerun. Sometimes I have looked back and thought that they hit a homerun even though I didn't think so at the time. But overall I would have to say that my parents did a great job and that I am very happy that I had both of them through my childhood and teenage years. It is true that they got divorced later but by then I had primarily grown up and was out of the house. Heck, I was on the way to having my own child, so at that point they're being together was neither a good nor bad thing for my development.

I have been thinking of some very specific memories. One was when I was four and I stole a flower from a neighbors house. I knew I had done wrong and I stuffed it into the trashcan. Of course my mother found it and made me go back and apologize to the lady. She had seen me in any case and the dog had barked. However, the act of making me I'm not for what I had done wrong and take responsibility shaped me from even an early age. I ended up becoming friends with the lady, named Mrs. Willis, and her dog Esky, who was a dachshund.

I remember when I was about 12, my father took me to see My Fair Lady at the starlight theater in Kansas City. I remember that it starred David Bernie and the redheaded actress that used to be on Quincy as Qunicy's wife--Anita something I don't recall her name. That was the beginning of my love affair with musicals and truly loving music and singing. He probably took me to supper before though I don't remember. And I know that he shaped how I behaved during the theater and before. He coached me on what to wear properly probably with my mother's help, and make sure that I did not embarrass him.

My parents were strict. I got spanked if not regularly, it was at least appropriately. I was put into timeout. I was grounded from television. I have my allowance withheld. And, gasp, I had to do chores for which I did not always get paid.

All of these things came to be very meaningful this past weekend when I had to young charges who would not mind. They did not seem to know how to behave in someone else's home. They did things that I would have been whipped for had I ever done them. And when I tried to correct one of them I had teenager size I rolling and mocking by seven-year-old. I thought at one point that I should slap the child but of course I didn't since he's not mine. I did actually tell him that and he proceeded to tattle to his father, who is a friend of mine. This lack of parenting on his part is causing a rift in our friendship and I daresay possibly the end of it. I have lost respect for him as a parent because the children are so well mannered. They fight with each other way more than most siblings do. They can't seem to pour their own water or get their own lunch a bowl. They can't pour milk because they claim it's too heavy and every time their father gets comfortable they suddenly need something. This is not all their fault as their dad has not prepared them to take care of any of their own needs. I have tried to convince him that he should turn them loose a little more but he is not inclined to.

While I don't know for sure, I think perhaps I was a little too independent for my mom. I think she might have liked to have done more things for me but I was a difficult child you had to do things for myself. In fact, when she reads this she will probably be amused at my attempts to parent these two children. My own daughter Maggie, is a very well behaved child. She was an old soul from the moment I met her and has never really been a true little girl. She asked intelligent questions. She never watch cartoons. In fact, the day that she walked for the first time was also the first day she ever crawled. As an aside, I joke with her that she is developmentally stunted because she never crawled. I read it in an article somewhere.

In any case, all this rambling is really just to tell my parents how much I appreciate them. I want them to know that I think they did a great job. In spite of two divorces and living in what they would not appreciate as a fine home, I am very happy with most of my life choices. I have a tiny house in the country with horses surrounding me. I have two dogs and four cats and probably a bunch of snakes that I don't want to know about. I even have satellite television as of two weeks ago because I got tired of never having any TV to watch. Yes, I am paying $50 a month for something I used three hours a week but it sure is nice to have it when I'm in the mood. My mother taught me how to crochet and how to sew. She taught me how to Crosstitch as well though I don't do it much anymore. My father taught me about finances and how to balance a checkbook and have a good work ethic. He taught me that if you owe somebody $8.02 you should pay them back $8.02 even if it seems silly to come up with those extra pennies.

I wish there were some way to parent children so that they appreciated being parented. I know that kids who are not used to restrict lifestyle don't appreciate it when someone comes in and says the word no. However, I know that I can only be who I am as a person and as a parent. It makes me sad to see what is missing from these two and their lives. However, I know that I do not alone have the power to change it.

Sent from my iPad

Sunday, May 29, 2016

The real world

I have often fantasized about what my life would look like if I could have had everything the way I want it. I would have enough money, a significant other who wants to be with !e and never gets on my nerves, no one getting me up to run around before I'm ready and no small children waking me up (i raised mine thank you very much). I stead i have none of these things gs and most of the time I am pretty happy.

And then we have days like yesterday

After wishing for company on Friday I have gotten more than I bargained for yesterday. It has been loud, no one is minding and I was told that I had to submit to the will of someone who refuses to submit to my wishes.

What the hell am I doing?

I'm not entirely sure. I do know that I am ready to go back to being alone. I want to watch TV and crochet and have quiet. I want to have adult conversations without children. I love children. I love these children but this weekend they are on my last nerve. I don't know how to resolve it.

Honestly I'm not that torn up about it other than realizing I will never have this 24 hour period back and I'm going to try to find peace today before I send them on their way.

I did accomplish a lot this weekend. I have rearranged and and cleaned and organized. It would be nice to just have some quiet though.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Embrace the rain

This weekend I was supposed to have gone to a competition. I doubt it myself early on before I sent the check because I wasn't sure I wanted to travel. I had a feeling that I should just stay home. However, I love this competition and the location and I haven't seen my friends in a little over a month, so I did want to go. I finally sent my check but then one thing after another happened and it became clear that I really needed to stay home. I have felt crummy all week there's nothing specific that I could put my finger on. On Wednesday I had a small fever but it resolved pretty quickly. I decided that I just needed to stay home.

Almost immediately upon deciding to stay home I began to feel better. The weight of packing up and going to Oklahoma by myself had evidently been weighing heavily on me and I hadn't even realized it. I have several projects I have needed to do but every time I've been home the weather had been bad or I had other things come up that needed to be taken care of. (Of course, as an aside, it is raining like crazy today so some of these projects will have to wait until Saturday or Sunday when it's a little drier.). I have been longing for a day where I could get free sit and watch some television and crochet.

As I found the possibility of four emptied a stretching ahead of me I realize I had so many little things I wanted to do. I have 23 hours of Fixer-Upper recorded on my DVR. Yes, I have seen some of them but I figure it never hurts to watch those again. I want to make curtains for my entertainment center to cover up the Clutter beneath the TV. I want to bring in my lawyer bookshelves so I can put more things away. I am going to finally have a living room and then I can bring the table back into the kitchen where I can have a dining room as well. I might even have room for a deep freeze for some of the food that I have been buying. All of a sudden the possibilities are just endless. Yes, this is mundane and in many ways not fun but these are all things that will help me feel like my life is a little more under control.

I have come to realize in the last 8 months that one of the reasons I was gone so much is that I was so unhappy at home.  Now, in my little house in the country I am so happy to be here but I almost never want to leave. Of course, I would be happy or today if my plans were not disrupted by heavy rain. On the other hand I'm incredibly happy that I'm not driving to Oklahoma and this and camping in this since my trailer seems to have a leak that I have yet to fix.

I slept almost 12 hours last night and woke up feeling rested. Of course I also felt like I could have gone back to sleep but it almost 9 o'clock it seems like I should get up and get moving. Now I'm sitting here listening to it rain hard with dogs and cats surrounding me. I have my computer out to do a little work and I have 3 crochet projects on the bed next to me. I am drinking coffee and contemplating what else to do with my day. The possibilities are endless.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Weekend wrap-up part 2

Due to technical difficulties caused by blocking on my cell phone, I had to finish the story 4 part 1 and start over again on part 2. Disclaimer. As always I am dictating and may or may not catch all of the grammatical, spelling, punctuation mistakes that my voicemail 8. I may leave out words and what I say may come across as very funny it is really not intended to be funny for the most part however as I find these errors I will correct them and again I apologize to those of you who are sensitive to these type of mistakes. You are welcome to laugh at my expense as much as you and if you point out the errors I can fix end of disclaimer.

After Maggie left we had a pretty quiet evening Hallmark made salmon and squash for dinner which is always tasty. He built a fire and went to town for some more fixings. We never made smores but the kids didn't eat all the marshmallows I think he snuck me a chocolate bar for later should I want it and I hit it so that Harrison could not go back and get it without me.

We had plans to watch Blazing Saddles wish I had recorded, but I just heard that I recorded it in Spanish and since I know no Spanish I decided I should probably recorded in English for us to watch later. Call Mark brought fireworks and they were pretty awesome.

His daughter was in a movie this weekend. I don't know why she was in such but she was scared of the horses, did not want to watch fireworks, and only wanted to sit by a television even though we had other things too she did want to go swimming but she wanted to go swimming in her pretty dress. I discovered that I can be pretty bossy and forceful. I also discovered that those she will cry and try to get her dad to do what she wants that if I am calmly for school will do what I asked. And he will usually let me do. It is great progress for both of us. It has been hard though he feels like the women are sometimes means you his daughter not just me as a girlfriend but other women in his life. I believe this is because mothers are hard on their daughters and fathers are hard on their sons. When you are married you have a person of the opposite sex to take up the slack and buffer the hardest. But since he is not married and Katherine has never had a mom there is no one to be hard on her on a regular basis. When his mother is hard on her or a sister is hard on her he feels like he needs to take up for her so it's a constant Daddy's Girls situation. Hallmark is already hard and his son which is appropriate and the women in his life give him a little more slack so he has the balance that Katherine has not been experiencing. I am not a psychologist just like him. Any of you guys who are step parents are free to comment and offer me advice because I have no idea what I'm doing obviously I am not actually a stepparent I am not even really a girlfriend I am just a woman who loves these children even though they drive me insane sometimes but I think all children that we love drive us insane sometimes. I want Katherine and Harrison to know that even if I differ from their dad but I am to be respected and that things I asked them to do are done out of love.  Never, in a million years would I have thought that I would want to date someone who had small children.

On Sunday we were awakened very early. Why is it that kids will sleep late on school days and wake up at the crack of dawn on the weekend? I know this is an age-old question but I still ask it. We got up and powdered about the house enjoyed some television. I had forgotten that I enjoyed watching CBS Sunday Morning. This was a particularly good show as a fixer-upper couple was on and I love them. I fed the horses tried to do paperwork. I accomplished very little. Early afternoon Hallmark took the kids to the river. I stayed behind for some quiet and to work on my paper work I definitely should have gone swimming not only did I miss them once the house was quiet butt I got nothing done and I didn't get all my steps in I also did not work my horse yesterday which I had planned to do. I don't think Indian Territory is going to be one of our most Stellar competitive rides.

We did something we have never done before yesterday. We all watched a movie together. It was Ant Man which was really very cute. Usually Hallmark can't sit still to watch the entire movie but he watches the same movie 70 or 80 times over and over again because he can't watch more than 5 minutes at one time. But in this case he and the kids and I all sat together and watch the movie it was awesome.

One not so awesome thing in the weekend was that they were still there, preparing to go home, when Peter showed up to pick up the dogs. I have them for the weekend while he went to photograph a TTC. I know it was bound to happen eventually but I had not intended to have one of these Awkward Moment quite so soon. I feel his sadness acutely. I can't fix it or change it but I know it was difficult for him to come to my house and see me there with other people and other children and the dogs. I wish that they had gone home before he came just because it would have been less difficult and awkward.

I thought that I was ready for peace and quiet but after Hallmark and the kids went home I had that emptiness you get from having company. Or the feeling you have after all your presents are open on Christmas. It was one of the first times that I've ever still wished they were there when they were gone. Are usually still want Hallmark to be there after the kids are gone but yesterday I wanted them all there. I just covered that kid free television watching this was not what I wanted. I wanted them there to help me pick up wire in the yard and to ride horses in the evening. I wanted them there to share more time. It just didn't seem like there was enough even though there had been Lots. I think we are all happy when we are together and we find ourselves feeling a little empty when the time is over. I ate way too much popcorn and drink a little wine and tried again to do paperwork. I ended up going to sleep early.

I did finally get the paperwork finished but not to the very last minute this morning. Now I am heading in to take baby Jorge to be neutered. Katherine said the cutest thing yesterday. I said I was taking him to be fixed and she said she didn't want him to be fixed because he was perfect just like he was. She and that cat adore each other.

So I have 4 days of hard work ahead of me. I plan to leave Thursday after work to head to Indian Territory. If I can make it all the way I will. If not I will pull over and sleep somewhere in the trailer. I really want Hallmark and his children to come with me this weekend but he says it doesn't sound like fun. I think he's wrong because he doesn't know if it's fun or not but I have accepted that he has said no. The trailer is ready 

one casualty of the weekend is poor Bailey. I had Maggie take-home Hammond so that if Hallmark and the kids came with me I would only have to take Ruger and Bailey camping. However, it appears that they are not going to go. When the kids and Hallmark went home last night she was so sad. Peter took Jay and Susie, Maggie took Hammond and Hallmark took a Ruger. She sat in the driveway and stared up the road for about half an hour and then went and lay in the hole that they had dug and side repeatedly today when I had to leave for work she was so sad and forlorn. I felt terrible leaving her.

Weekend wrap-up

This was one of those weekends that you never want to see it. My daughter came to visit on Friday and while it was too late for us to watch the television we've planned we did have a blast watching Home and Garden television on my newly installed DirecTV. I had forgotten how nice it was to be able to turn on the television and watch something somewhat educational but also mindless. I had also forgotten how nice it was to be able to pause if I needed to think, or back it up if I wanted to see something again.

I would like to be able to say I have accomplished a lot of things this weekend that were important and Earth shattering. However, the truth is I did not Saturday morning dawned bright and beautiful and we wasted time watching the finale of Agents of Shield. only now we have to wait till fall because of course they left us in a cliffhanger.

Maggie helped me to prepare my trailer for the trip to Indian Territory next week. I pulled out the mattresses and discovered that the trailer had leaked badly. This was disappointing because last year I really thought I had my leaking situation fixed. Back to the drawing board on that one. Fortunately comma the day was Sunday so I was able to set all of the mattresses out to Air and dry. I also washed a ton of laundry in my little washer. I have discovered the best way to do laundry in my tiny portable washer is to fill it with buckets from the bathtub and then drain it into the same bathtub. I still make a mess but it is more localized.

Maggie had brought her 22 Rifle and Pistol with her. We went out behind the voice buy houses to practice shooting. We had no target but did have an empty bottle of laundry detergent to Mark our progress. It is very embarrassing to say that my daughter knows way more about guns than I do. I will be rectifying the situation soon. She showed me how to use her father's Walther that she has now named Walter, but we discovered that without your protection it was incredibly loud so we opted to shoot the rifle instead. We sat on the back of the pickup truck. Neither one of us appearing to hit the target. We finally decided that whoever Hit the Target first was to be treated to a pedicure by the other. The very next shot Maggie hit the detergent bottle well enough to knock it off. Excited that I would be buying her pedicure, she went to look at the bottle, only to find that we had both hit it multiple times and there was no way to know who had Hit it first. So we agreed to make a date to buy our own pedicure. We were both gratified to find out that we were pretty decent shots.

Then I got baby cass out in round pen to do a refresher course on everything I learned with Harry, and to add some of the things I learned with Michael to the mix . I do not have a ring rope so I rig something up to practice the pressure around his middle before saddling. There was some initial bucking because he really hates the pressure around his flank but it was way less expressive than two weeks ago and he settled very quickly.  Saddling was a complete non issue. He stood like a rock while I tighten the girth. For the first time I stepped up into the stirrup. He did not stand completely still while I put my weight over his body. But with my lead rope I kept his head turned toward me and he just went in a circle while I lay across it I did this from both sides with him giving to the slightest pressure as I lay on him. I did this three times on both sides and then we called it a day. I figure I have plenty of time and there is no reason to rush. I really want and higher mounting block so the first time I see I don't have my feet in the stirrups. I could be wrong but it seems safer that if I'm going to be ejected I should not have to also worried that I might be drug.

Hallmark and his kids came as I was finishing up with the horse. Maggie and the kids and myself went to the river and swam for about 2 hours.  Note to self it is important to buy water shoes because the rocks in the river hurt. Maggie and I discovered that if we floated Downstream a little ways the water was deep enough and the current strong enough that it would provide good swimming exercise. I plan to do this again very soon. I only wish the river would stay deep during the hottest part of the summer instead of turning into a creek.

Maggie had to go home because her father's birthday was on Sunday.