Monday, March 31, 2008
I say BRING IT ON JERRY! What are these people around us thinking???
Let's do the math: I paid $70K for my house 6 years ago and I owe approximately $65K on it now. Jerry is supposedly "only" paying 2-3 times the market value for the properties. My house is currently valued at $85K on znet. If I got three times what my house is worth, it would be enough to pay off my mortgage, pay off all my consumer debt and give me a sweet little downpayment for the next house which might in theory be my "dream home". Considering that we are chipping away at debt somewhat slowly (though much faster, Praise God, than this time last year) I would welcome the opportunity to sell my house and get the heck out of here. I mean, who in their right mind wants to live in the shadow of the giant monstrosity known as the Cowboys stadium.
So, again, I say BRING IT ON JERRY! COME BUY MY HOUSE!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
NOT! I know the cause of my stress. It comes from feeling like there is always something that needs to be done and that I am not allowed to just "do nothing" When I contemplate doing nothing I think of all the things that "should be" done before I do nothing. I can justify riding my horses b/c that isn't doing nothing...that is exercise and work and therefore ok. I don't know why I think I must always be busy and occupied, but I do feel that way. I don't even sew much any more b/c sewing is recreational and I feel like the work has to be completed before I can have fun. And there is always something that needs to be done. There is laundry, the kitchen is a mess, the lawn needs mowing, the bathrooms need cleaning, the floors need mopping or sweeping...well, you get the picture. There is always something we ought to be doing.
And I think that my anxiety about getting stuff done is made worse by the fact that Peter is completely able to live in his corner of the office, playing video games and surfing on the internet no matter what my stress and anxiety level toward getting stuff done is. So that fact that I can't light a fire under anyone else in my family to clean stuff around here or just automatically do menial chores adds to my anxiety level b/c I feel like it's not going to get done if I don't do it. And leaving it undone doesn't help b/c I always crack under the strain of the mess before anyone else ever notices.
The only time I'm really stress and worry free is when I'm on the back of my horse with no watch on my arm and no other people around me. I can just commune with my horse and not worry about anything when that's happening. Of course...this doesn't happen often enough for me.
I do find myself wondering if maybe it's ADD instead. I just know that I would like to know what it's truly like to really relax. Even when I get a massage I'm always paying attention to what the therapist is doing so I can remember the really good techniques. My mind just works all the time. But it's not a cycling thing. I just think all the time. Even when I'm sitting still I'm always thinking. I simply don't know how to shut down in a positive way. I don't sleep, or can't go back to sleep (though I got some good sleep with weird dreams last night) For a few weeks I was playing Sims 2 and it seemed like I was getting kind of mindless that way, but I haven't even done that lately.
I have been getting all my work done each week. I'm just not feeling happy. Today I had lessons to teach, we had a shed to put up. We had a fence to build. Jackie wants me to keep teaching after we move to the new field and I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'll do it through the summer and then reevaluate. If I play my cards right I will get the kids on way day per week and Maggie and I can load up and go ride while we're out that way. It will give us a week to have a real arena. If we don't feel like hauling, we'll just ride Jackie's horses and make do.
I feel better after my little melt down here. Now I think I will go to bed!
Oh, but before I do...Deli bit me on the shoulder today and it really hurts. I can barely move my arm as she got me right on the right shoulder with upper and lower jaws. It really huts. I'm going to have a nasty wound. She was mad and fussing at Bobbie and she reached over and took a bit out of me instead. I don't know if she was going for Bobbie or mad b/c I scolded her, but it was awful. My lesson today was OK...Little Katie is a stitch of a rider. She's just fearless and does everything I tell her to do in the saddle with no flinching or argument. I wish Maggie would do as well! The horses didn't want to go through the mud and muck, but boy she just didn't even care. I was really proud of her. Maggie rode Dixie, who didn't want to cross the creek either. WE finally got them all across the creek...and Maggie showed real grit and determination to get Dixie to cross. Deli was fine and slow, as usual. If I hadn't gotten bitten, it would have been a stellar day...but boy, it was hot. Summer is going to be here soon.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I was just thinking about how much I miss her this week. She would normally be at her dad's tonight anyway, but I'm feeling rather nostalgic for her to come home and take her trail riding!
So, here is the letter that has made my year. I think that God has helped us find our way through this maze called parenting.
Hey Alice! I HAD to tell you how impressed I am with your parenting skills.
Your daughter is a complete joy to be around and you are doing a SPLENDID job with her. She's the most well-adjusted 10 year old I've ever spent any time with...She's just crazy about you, your husband and her father....and that is so nice (and rare) to hear. I wish the mothers I knew could take parenting lessons from you three. DON'T change a thing...YOU are doing
She's articulate, patient, kind, funny, adventurous..just delightful. I know you are very proud of her, but I couldn't help but to tell you that you should be proud of yourself too! I'm grateful that I got to spend a few days with her.
I've attached a picture she wanted. She spent 6 hours one day playing with these two mongrels and loved every minute of it. The picture made her giggle, so I promised I email it to her.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Last night while I lay in bed at Jackie's I had a serious panic attack. It all started with some news I received via email while coming home from camping on Friday. One of my clients has fired me based on several things (the agency sent me a late Friday email with the addendum of "we'll discuss this on Monday"--so great, I get to stress over this all weekend) The first thing they said was that I kept canceling her appointments with only an hour's notice and for different excuses. The truth: The client was completely inflexible and on the four occasions I needed to reschedule the appointment I was told no, just to come next week. This last week I had to cancel the appointment at the last minute, which I really, really hated to do, but I had a tree on my garage and I was desperately trying to find someone to cut a tree off my house before it sagged and took out my electrical lines. Another complaint was that I griped constantly about gas pricing. The Truth: I remember having one conversation about gas and it was b/c there was a news story about gas and we discussed it in the course of the news. They said I was only giving 30 minute massages. The Truth: I'm there from anywhere from 50-60 minutes depending on the client. There have been a couple of times that she dozed off very quickly and I made the massage a little shorter than other times, but never under 50 minutes. I know b/c the news is on and there is a clock on the TV when I'm there. They have been signing my time sheets every week, so I don't see how they can say that when they have known the time I was logging in. The last complaint was that I talked the whole time I'm there. This one is pretty goofy b/c they are constantly talking to the kid and pestering her while I'm massaging her. I even documented the chaos in my first three notes in the house, though I quit documenting it as the weeks went on...wish now I had written it every week. These folks talk to me constantly and I have been politely talking back. Sure wish now I hadn't been so polite.
I lay in bed at Jackie's last night thinking about the above and getting more indignant all the time. I worried then that everyone else didn't like me and that everyone was going to report me for being friendly, talking about the weather or gas, or being there shorter one week than another week...though in the long run, I'm typically at their houses well more than the hour I'm supposed to be. On one hand I'm nervous that they are going to be mad and fire me. OTOH I think that maybe working for one agency will be better if they do. I like the kids I see and I don't want to take a cut in my income, but I also worry now that people are making up stories or in the least they are unhappy and just not telling me, but instead just telling the agency that they don't like me without warning. Of course, this is silly b/c I haven't had any trouble with any clients since the beginning of the school year when I let a couple clients go and one mom didn't like my schedule and we couldn't come to terms. I had been feeling like I was pretty familiar with the kids and adults I see now and that I got on with them quite well, but this has disturbed my sense of security and made me question my own every move.
And, I lay in the bed thinking that if the doctor had just given me the anti-depressants I had asked for a month ago I wouldn't be having an anxiety attack over this (ok, that last part is just a joke--see me smiling?)
In the light of day, less anxiety, more irritation at this family. I hate it when I get word on a Friday that there is a problem and that there is no one to resolve it before I have to stew over it for 2 days.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I suspect these trees are just getting old and dying and then they fall down.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
But here comes the rant...why is it my responsibility to pay for their tree. Any of my English speaking neighbors would understand that it is their tree and their responsibility. Why should this situation be any different? Why shouldn't they have to pay for the damage of their tree to my house?
I did just get a glimmer of good news though...I found out that if they give me their insurance information (assuming they have insurance) that it won't cost them any money at all. They just let me file the claim on their insurance and it will be all taken care of. I pay for it now, submit the receipt and get reimbursed...so I think I"m going to go for that.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
So I guess starting today and working backwards is less intimidating than trying to work my way forward, though the way I am normally I will probably bounce around all over the place.
I am currently sitting on the couch with my laptop listening to peter computer in the other room and waiting for my pizza hut pizza to arrive. I talked them into ordering a thin crust this time (my turn to choose) b/c they both prefer thick pan pizza and I have lost a couple pounds this week and don't want to completely undo my progress. We're going to watch American Idol, but I like to give it a head start b/c I hate commercials.
Today Maggie and I went to the chiropractor. She had a fall off of Freeley on Friday and was a little out of whack. I have had an ongoing headache for a few days and was really out of adjustment too. It was pouring rain all day today. We had to run errands and I went to look at a field that is for rent that I might want to move the horses to in the future. I like where I am now, but this place is so close to home I had to check it out. As it was, I just talked to the fellow who has it for lease, b/c it was way too icky to get out of the car and really check it out. But I have been through the field before, and I have time to really think on it before I have to give notice if I decide to make a move. There are so many reasons to stay put at my barn, but this place is so close to home, I just have to think about it...But I would be giving up trails down the street which is a big loss, but I can see my ponies every day if they are closer...just a lot to think on.
yesterday I tried to take a riding lesson on Liberty and didn't quite manage it. The wind was so fierce at the barn where I take lessons that we couldn't see to have a lesson so we just stood in the arena and talked. It was actually really good b/c Liberty stood really still for me and was really pretty mellow for me. i was pleased. When I took him to the CTR the week before (the weekend of the 8th of march) he was really good, especially for being so green, but he would not stand still. We finished just a little off of 6th, so no disappoint there!
This week will bring Maggie going to FL tomorrow for a week with her dad. She is all packed and very excited. I'm going to take Maggie and her dad to the airport tomorrow and see them off and then I have clients to see in the afternoon. I was supposed to teach a lesson tomorrow afternoon but I suspect that it will be too wet to do that!
Over the weekend Maggie had jena over and they had a good time playing games, and riding their horses. Peter brought my roses, which was very sweet. I still have them sitting here by the couch where I can see and smell them.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
I can't believe I haven't written anything since last Monday. Last week was so busy and I have been so tired at night I haven't written anything. Then I had some asthma flair up, ostensibly from having camped out in the cold night air on Friday night. However, since Peter is sick, it could be that I really am sick with a cold. IN any case, I took today off since I only missed two clients and the rest of the week was busy. I have no voice, and have been piddling on the computer all day. Maggie will be home soon and I'm going to get her started on packing for her CTR. I am planning to let her go out of town on her own to this ride with her friend Jennifer and her dad. I'm now starting to question weather or not I should do this and if I'm really delusional on what she can handle on her own.
The big news today is that it snowed! It has snowed as much as 6 inches so far in some places. I had to leave Springtown early b/c of the snow. They all laughed at me b/c they thought it was no big deal, but if I hadn't left when I did, I would have been so stuck. They ended up letting school out early, so I only missed one group after all. It was just insane.
I was supposed to get my hair cut in the am, see 3 more clients this afternoon....none of that happened. I got my hair cut today (looks great as always) and then I came home. Well, on the way home, I detoured by the Vietnamese grocery looking for a roasted duck. Unfortuantely, they were out, but I bought some yellow fin tuna and made an asian supper that I was very proud of. IT's been a long time since I cooked just for fun. I made peanut butter thai noodles and stir fry veggies and sesame seared tuna. I loved it all, but honestly, the noodles and veggies were just the best.
I suspect I won't be going anywhere much before 10 in the morning. It's supposed to taper off over night and then warm up dramatically. Maggie is going to the ride without me. She's all packed and they hope to shove off by about 6pm. I was going to bathe Freeley yesterday, but I'm glad I didn't bother as it's so nasty today he'd be filthy again.
It has been a really odd week. Maggie has been with her dad since Tuesday after school. Tonight, she is usually home, but went to a birthday party. I will pick her up in the morning and then take her straight to leave on the trip with Jennifer. I have not seen her all week, though we have talked on the phone. She's mentally and physically ready to do this ride, but I'm sorry I didn't plan to go with her. If I had known the weather was going to be too bad to see my kids for their lessons I would have bugged out and gone too. Liberty is ready if I take it slow. We'd have been fine.
Last weekend we went to a trail challenge. Maggie was the only junior and handled herself so well I decided to let her take Freeley to the ride this weekend. I have been torn all week thinking of what instructions to give her, and I decided just not to say anything. She knows how to ride and she'll be fine.
Liberty handled himself really well too. WE climbed an unscheduled hill and he did it great. He only ran me into one tree, but I think he spooked at a hidden judge. I discovered that he loves the water (too much since he wanted to lay in it) and he fidgets alot, but mostly he's going to be great. I have some good riding planned for this weekend too, but I want to be impulsive and just go with them. If I had known the weather was going to prevent me from teaching on Friday (most likely) I would have told the Sunday people that I was going to be out of town this weekend. IT's just not very responsible of me to just grab my horse and take off...but I confess I am tempted. All my stuff is packed. It would be so easy for me to just go for it...mmmm I think I am trying to talk myself into it. The ride sure does need the entries.