Friday, December 30, 2016

Oops I kind of lost my mind

I have a blog post that I started on something called redefining Christmas. I have not had the time to sit down and write the whole thing yet but was thinking about it today I got kind of angry about some things that have been happening in my life.  I already know that one of my friends has been having a similar situation and it is painful. The situation is a lack of Old Friends.

I will try not to over hash this because I did cover some of this in my post cause I woke up angry. However I'm in a different place today. When I woke up angry I felt helpless. Today I just feel kinda finished. I have been reaching out to the same people over and over again. These people were very close to me at one time and no they are not. I assume that they feel like I did something to cause the problem. And I am not playing it isn't here. I do know of a few things that I have done to upset people. However, I only know because somebody else told me. The people involved never sat down with me and have a conversation so that any of these issues to be resolved. This leads me to believe that they don't want to be friends. I get it it's been almost a year. I have to let it go. But it's hard.

When I have friends I give them everything. Clearly I am not perfect and I make mistakes. I am a pretty good secret-keeper but occasionally I guess I slip like everyone else. I have apologized to the people I know to apologize to. Sometimes I don't apologize because I don't think anything wrong. But I still think you can be friends when you disagree. You just at least have to have a conversation.

When I try repeatedly to text or call and the person never called me back or text me back what am I supposed to think? I am led to believe that you do not want to have a relationship with me. And I am so tired of pretending that so-and-so is just busy or they have a lot going on or maybe they just needed to change their life. The fact is you don't value spending time with me or you would call me back. When I asked you to lunch and you can't go and then never make another invitation that tells me you don't want to spend time with me. I get it. Finally I get it. In many ways I would find it easier just to have this conversation out in the open. Our lives have changed we are different people I no longer wish to hang out. At least I would have the closure of knowing that is truly what's happening.

There was a group of us that used to be very close. We spent time together and grow together and talk together and hang out on Facebook. That group is gone. Partly because our lives have changed. Partly because I made changes recommended to me by these friends and now they no longer wish to hang out. I don't understand that part. These people told me for years to do something to change my life and when I did we cease to be friends.

Perhaps I did more changing  than I think I did.  I do think that when I quit being weak and controlled that I became a stronger person so perhaps I was kicked out of the herd because I'm not the person I used to be. For house I don't really want to know why we're not friends anymore. Sometimes it is better not to know even though I think I want to know.

I have written letters trying to fix things and it didn't work. I have had endless Facebook conversations trying to fix things and that didn't work. I have tried to have phone calls but don't get called back and no one answers my calls. When it's more than one person I have to admit that it has to be something from within me. However I don't think it's always me. I feel like I'm in high school again and I am no longer the cool kid. It is a crappy way to feel.

So what do I do about it? I am venting and I am blogging. I'm still trying to make right what can be made right but I am done feeling like I am responsible for holding up these relationships all by myself. I agree that sometimes we get busy and don't make time for people however you don't use that excuse for months and months. Or at least that excuse doesn't hold water for up to a year. I have moved physically and spiritually. My life is ever-changing too and it is time to move forward and embrace the new. I will still have times where I hurt and grieve I'm sure. Hopefully through moving forward Bridges will not be burned and friendships can be maintain at least superficially. Someday things may come full circle. 

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