Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Happy and Sad

I find myself sad when I should be joyful. I have everything I have ever wanted. I live in the country, my husband rides with me. We have horses. I work enough but not too much. I have grown content with my life with Mike as my best friend and husband. I am missing having girlfriends though. I try really hard to just be happy coming home and spending my quiet evenings but I find myself periodically lonely and sad for girls to hang out with. 

I have made friends here but for many reasons we don't 'go Out'. Partly it is because of schedules. One is a newly wed with a strange work schedule. One is just kind of a homebody like me. Others are too young or too busy with kids or business. Like me, we get in our peaceful rut and just don't do stuff outside of home. I really am pretty much ok with this, in general. 

I have a fun packed weekend ahead. I am looking forward to it. However I still manage to stick my foot in my mouth. I want to just be accepted for who I am. I don't want to pretend. I want other friends like I am with my closest people. I am missing that girlfriend connection from my younger days. I suspect that what I want doesn't really exist in this world today. I am so grateful to have Michael but sometimes I miss having 'dinner and drinking' buddies. 

I have been feeling like this even in my riding groups lately. I don't know if I have lost my drive to compete because my life has changed so much or what is going on. Michael and I love to ride but I find myself wanting to have more laid back days. 

I have goals for the future. I want a little bigger trailer so we can travel more comfortably. I want to spend more time with Mike and just enjoy life. 

So with all this great stuff I have no room to be melancholy. I think that life is just hard and that some people are just mean. I think that when you are kind some people take advantage. I wish I could learn to protect my heart more. 

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