Boundary Issues

I have been examine my inability to make boundaries with people (and probably my horses as well. But for now I'm thinking about people.) Horses come up BC I'm sitting in a Harry Whitney clinic watching Harry setting boundaries for the horses so it's amplifying my awareness of my boundary setting trouble. 

I have been wrangling with how to reconcile the instinct that someone is untrustworthy vs the apparent facts. I never used to question this instinct and appearance with what may or may not actually be true. However I recently finished reading Brenė Brown's book Dare to Lead and in the book she talks about how the mind creates conspiracy theories and fills in facts where none exists. So I am now questioning myself. Before I pull the trigger on an accusation that can't be undone I want to make sure.  

When people have repeated negligent behavior that makes them untrustworthy. When they are smart enough to cover their tracks then there is a lack of actual proof that they are untrustworthy but simply  incompetent how can you tell the difference? When people who apparently loved by all so things that are subtle and backhanded how is it they don't get caught? It's almost as though they manage to get people to not discuss their digressions because they have inspired loyalty. Or in my case they make me question who is trustworthy. There is literally no one with whom to verify my instincts and observations. 

The complete lack of communication adds to my suspicion and belief that a person is untrustworthy. In her book Brené says that people who never ask for help so not inspire trust. I had to really think about this awhile to digest it but it's completely true. I think it's why I absolutely trust some people and not others but I had never pin pointed it until I read it in this book. And then there are the people to whom I offer help and I get shamed into believing I'm a micromanager. When do I know for sure that the person is looking out for number one to my detriment before they harm me? Especially with no concrete proof?

This leads me to explore why I have trouble firming up and setting boundaries where they need to be set.  There are people taking advantage of us and whenever I set a boundary and get push back I   currently lack courage to continue forward on the path I know is the right one. 

I know that part of it is my desire to be perceived as a nice person. I am learning to care about that less but it still hovers in the back of my mind. I want to question people close to the source to find out what they are saying or doing so I have proof but often those folks have so much displaced loyalty from others that I can't be sure I can ask the questions I need to ask to verify truth. 

In her book participating in daring leadership is all about talking to people and not about people. So, I think I may have to just suck it up, stop sugar coating and explain why I am finding the people u trustworthy. However since I have trouble believing in them it's next to impossible to believe in their answers. 

This situation reminds me of when I was getting divorced. I wanted concrete reasons to go. I wanted proof I could see (that I should leave) but since the person involved was clever and conniving (from my point of view) I never had  clear hard evidence of all the things I suspected. I finally had to trust my gut and make my own choices. 

I know that when I make my move (I write I but mean Michael as well) the relationship will be over. I used to care about saving the relationship(s) but I have grown apathetic about the decision. Ambivalence is thankfully gone. 

I'm blessed that my confidence has grown. I now have to reconcile that others will see me as difficult  because I stood my ground and even pushed back a little. As Harry would say "I'm coming into my own pressure" I'm standing my ground and pushing my way up the herd.  It's terifying but time.