I'm not really sure what got into me today. I just had the worst workout ever! It may have been that I haven't slept well for the last couple nights since I have been stressing out about the ride coming up next weekend. I am not exceptionally stressed, just the normal stress that one has before they go manage a competition. Nonetheless, it has kept me up at night.
And then last night I was awakened by a hot flash. I think this was a real hot flash, not one of those pseudo-hot flashes that I've had before where I just woke up a little uncomfortable. This is a full on sweating need to crawl out of my clothes the covers the sheets and stand under a fan kind of sweating. This is not make me happy! I turned on the overhead fan, something that I never do. And of course the light was on along with it. This means I woke Peter up in my effort to have cool air. Sorry honey.
I woke up before my 5 AM alarm went off. I should've gotten up then, but of course I didn't. When the alarm went off at five I hopped out of bed which is my habit. I don't understand why I can't just hop out of bed at 5:45 AM or 6 AM. I also don't really understand why I can't get up every day at 5 AM since it is apparently so easy. I seem to have trouble getting up early for no reason. And, going to spin class at 5:45 has not yet seemed to be a good enough reason. This is why I have been enjoying my workouts with Roy. I have a commitment and I have to be there or else.
This week my weight has been up. It has been up higher than before I started. I am pretty sure that it is partly real weight and partly water weight. My fingers feel swollen and with the advent of warmer temperatures I typically gained a few pounds. Roy has been really hard on me about it though. He looked at my food diary this morning and told me I have to cut out all the carbs. Yeah, right buddy, you cut out all your carbs. And while I'm thinking about it since you're a vegan how you cut out carbs too. What do you eat? You don't eat meat so do you just eat fruits and vegetables all day long? Again, I like rice so I'm being hard on him just like he was hard on me this morning.
I was very weak today. I felt like everything I did was hard. Everything I did took maximum effort and cause my heart to beat fast and my breathing increase. I have learned that if I don't rest at that point I will eventually feel like I need to puke. So I would push myself to almost the point of feeling like I was going to puke and then I would back off. He says it's because my diet has been crap. The funny thing is, my diet is really not as crap as it used to be. I still don't lose any weight so it's very difficult to get excited about eating right when the scales pretty much stay the same whether I eat right or not. I will admit I have not been eating enough green stuff. Part of that is because when I eat a lot of green stuff my stomach gives me trouble. I have been trying to get my carbs down but I like cards so it's difficult. I think I did go in entire day without eating sugar yesterday? I have to go back and check.
I'm being tongue-in-cheek and flip about this but the truth is I find the whole thing very frustrating. As of this morning on my scale I weigh 215 pounds. This is 5 pounds higher than I was just two months ago. I have gone down below that and then I have gone above that but I never seem to really go down. Working out has made me stronger and I feel better but I'm still not losing weight. On my current food tracking streak I have gone 180 days. I write down almost everything I put in my mouth. Even if I missing 20% of my calories I'm still eating far less than 2000 cal a day. And I'm moving at least 2000-2500 cal per day. (I know this because I use my Fitbit). By all the numbers I should be losing weight. My thyroid is not entirely healthy but I take medication for that. I have an active lifestyle and I work out. My daughter gives me a hard time because there is not a thing that I eat that is not well thought out before it goes into my mouth. Even when I'm eating badly I'm thinking about what I should be doing instead. I have tried to tell Roy that my main goal is to get more fit and to not worry so much about my weight. However, he says that if I'm gaining weight I'm not losing fat and he doesn't want me to gain weight so he continues to harp on my food. Maybe if I become a vegan I can finally lose some weight? I don't really think so though. This week I'm supposed to give up the cheese I love and the cards. Obviously sugar is a carb and falls in give them up.
I have been thinking a lot about Alton Brown and how he lost his weight. He has list of what he ate every day, ate only two or three times a week, ate only once a week. He had one dessert and weak one pasta week one alcoholic beverage per week. He ate yogurt every day… I can't remember the entire list. He got his weight off and has successfully kept it off.
I am reading and listening to a book called the diet fixed. It is about how to recover from the traumatic dieting. I am only into the book where he talks about the seven diet sins in the emotions that accompany the sense. I think there is a psychological program at the end not just a food program. So far a lot of what he talked about in the introduction really spoke to me. It talks about people like me who of been on diet all their life and still aren't any thinner. Evidently, he also addresses the support system those people have, or the lack thereof. Mostly, I just wish I could quit thinking about it. I wish I could quit tracking my food and just eat what I feel led to eat.
The one time in my recent life that I have been then or on my way to fit was in 2007. It was the fall that I bought Liberty. I gave up drinking all diet soda, so subsequently also do since I never drink regular soda. I was working as a massage and music therapist but I spent a lot of time riding my horses and I had just started to train Liberty. I was also teaching writing lessons. I wasn't eating particularly well but I lost 20 pounds between the middle of September and the day before Thanksgiving. I was so pleased with my success that I started tracking my food and I immediately gained it all back. I am sure that I was eating more calories and not as well when I was not tracking my food. Chicken express was a common part of my existence back then. I had also recently discovered sweet tea from the same restaurant establishment. So why did I lose when I wasn't trying? Not logging right now is not really an option. Roy looks at my food every day and I have to run extra laps if I haven't entered my food. But I do find myself wondering what would happen if I just turned the loose of the food diary. I'm afraid to, because I'm afraid I will just get heavier. But there's part of me that wonders if turning latest would actually make me lose the weight once and for all. Scientific evidence suggests otherwise, but I wonder.