Monday, November 28, 2016

Weird Mood Monday

Mike and I had a great party this last weekend on what would have been our wedding day (if we hadn't already gotten married in Oct.) The weather was fairly pleasant. About 10-12 people showed up, mostly riders, but a few non-riders.  I got to ride both Hermoso and Vandy...never got around to riding Liberty, who didn't seem to really care.  Hermoso is a little rock star and gaits beautifully. I still haven't gotten anything but a nice walk and trot out of Vandy, but I don't really care. His laid back personality is amazing and he trots very smoothly, so it's all good.  I'm sure I will sort out the gaiting when I get his saddle situation worked out.  We were going to ride on Sunday but a cold, blustery wind blew in sending the remaining riders home. Mike and I spent the afternoon watching TV and I crocheted.

I was feeling oddly anti-social and quiet.  He slept on and off and we had talked about going to the movies, which we didn't do because I just didn't want to put real clothes back on after putting on my PJ's.  I think I really disappointed Mike, but he didn't say so until later. I hated that I did. I told him to speak up and let me know what he really thinks. I could have been talked into going to the movies, it just wasn't my first instinct to go once I got comfy.  I should have sucked it up and gone...but we will go tonight so it's all ok

Mike had to run to waco, but will be back to watch the riding and learn about the Paso Fino horses and gaiting later.  Right now I'm sitting in my PJ's contemplating my first cup of coffee and knowing I need to get off the couch very soon and feed the horses.  Again I'm comfy in my pj's.

I am in a weird in between transition state. I have stuff and Mike's and stuff here. I don't live anywhere right now, but I long to be in Purmela FT.  In the past I could have split my time pretty easily, but now I just want to be where Michael is.  I made the decision that I could not drive into Austin every week to see clients, even if it's 4 of them. It's just too far and the thought of that much time in the car really stresses me out.  I'm really hoping for the job at New Horizons, or just to keep building work up closer to home. I have evals to do on clients around Waco and that is a much more reasonable drive.  If I can get up to 10-12 clients per week I'll be doing just fine and then I'll have the Yes and Star programs when they get up and running.

This last week some old anxiety has crept back in. I have been using my essential oils and deep breathing to fight it off, but my serenity has been a little disturbed. I don't like it. I want to get my laid back and chill summer and fall back. I know it's just all the upheaval and change tends to make me a little emotional, but there is no reason for me to feel stressed over things I can not control.  I also think that maybe I have tried to stretch myself working up here too much. I'm committed to working up here through the 16th for some clients and the next week for others...I'm thinking I should have cut it off sooner. However, being practical and wanting to have a paycheck in January I have stretched it out till give myself more money. This is fiscally responsible, just emotionally draining.

In the end it will all work out. Time does march on whether I want it to or not and I will be living in Purmela sooner than later.  This week I just have to see clients, and then I have a ride to attend.

That is part of what is getting me down too. My beloved NATRC has a competition this weekend and we only have 20 entries.  This upsets me for the ride manager, but it also upsets me for the other managers who have rides to manage in the spring, and one of those people is me. I have already been thinking really small as far as managing costs and expenses.  I'm very nervous though about how much money I'm going to lose and how I'm going to pay for it all.  I want to do it as a benefit for the special olympics of gatesville, but the bills all have to be paid first.  I have a great group of people to help me, but other people, who I used to be able to count on, are not there for me right now.  That means that people I would have hoped would come ride will likely not make it for different reasons. I don't have the friend card to pull to get those entries.  I really don't understand where the riders have gone. I thought we were on the upswing, but, at least for this ride, we have fewer than normal entries for a competition that should be fuller.  We have people coming from out of state, but other people, who live around the corner, are not coming.

I will have fun no matter what. It will be Liberty's first competition since Robber's Route so he should be fresh and fattened up.  It will be Michael's first ride ever and we will have a good time riding together.  I don't have any idea how well we will do in competition, but I don't actually care. It's just for fun.  In the spring I may be riding Hermoso, just to change things up a bit and give Liberty a break. I would never give him time off completely as he is always my choice of horse to ride, but he may need a break from competing.For me, this is a year of going to rides with Mike and spending time together. That is what I care about most.

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