Thursday, November 10, 2016

I woke up angry

Over the last few days a lot of things that I had previously been hurt about have been making me angry.  I decided instead of stuffing those emotions, or setting them aside or trying to just forget about it, I would go ahead and feel the anger and try to work through it.  I hate that this is going to be one of those "vaguebook" posts but it just has to know like Law and Order "the names have been changed to protect the innocent"

I still continue to just ache over the loss of some of my friendships. It's getting better, but I don't think it will be gone until I just get the anger out, quit being hurt and start being mad.  I have been trying to fix something I didn't do...which has been much the pattern of my childhood and youth.  I was always trying to fix things that I didn't cause; trying to make people happy when I hadn't made them unhappy. I'm learning to accept that some people are just unhappy.  Some people choose to let things get in their way and then blame others.

I have always been a closure kind of person. If I'm going be done with someone I want to be done. I don't mean saying mean things and burning bridges, but I prefer the direct "i don't want to hang out with you anymore" approach to just vanishing and ignoring.  I'd rather get it out there and have that argument and know where I stand than to continue to put time and effort into something that brings me no return.  The problem is, I will keep coming back and trying to fix it because that's just who I am.  I don't want the bridges burned. I want the friendships and relationships.  So I often keep banging my head against the wall when the other person just wants me to go away and not talk about it.

I also despise spin.  I hate it when I think that is my bosom friend and Kindred spirit (as Anne Shirley described Diana Berry in Anne of Green Gables) just to find out that they are only my bosom friend whenever it suits them.  So many times I have thought I had someone I could count on only to find out that things are being said or done behind my back that indicate otherwise.  When I pledge to someone I mean it.  I would not do well in Survivor as I don't know how to pretend I'm making another choice.  So, it hurts and angers me whenever people think I have other motives. I will typically tell you what my motives are.  You don't have to discern them.

Over the last couple years I have been sent hurtful texts about me meant to be sent to other people. This has blown my mind b/c it has shown me what people really think about me.  And it hasn't been true. The things they have texted weren't the case at all and the fact that someone would think them was so amazingly hurtful that I wanted to cry. Only, at the same time, it was surprisingly not a surprise because of the above some point opinions were set forth about me behind my back that were more believable than who I really am.

I know that in the past stress made me behave differently than I really am. I was in such a constant state of uncertainty about my life that I wasn't stable. Several people have told me over the last year how much more relaxed I am now...and so much happier. Other people have questioned my sanity at moving forward with my marriage so quickly. One person commented that it's amazing when God is doing great things in your life it looks crazy to the rest of the world, but it's so obvious to you in the situation. This was a profound statement and reminded me to not judge the decisions people are making because if we aren't living their lives we don't know what is motivating them.  What looks crazy to us might be the blessing they are looking for.

I am so blessed to be starting a new chapter of my life.  I have Michael as my rock. He is the best friend I have searched for all my adult life. The one person I know will always have my back even if we disagree. I am the same for him...of course we have not had any true disagreements so far. He will settle me down and redirect me, but no arguments. We just fit together so well and I am so blessed that God has brought him to my life. I have learned over the last year who my real friends are, old and new. I have learned who I really can trust and who I trusted before that perhaps I should not have.  It's been a painful and rewarding time.  I can not change what others think of me. Someone recently told me that "your opinion of me is none of my business"...I think I will try to remember that moving forward and let go of the anger.

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