I saw my daughter Monday and we got to ride together just before my lungs disintegrated into a phlegmy mess of bronchitis. We were helping Teresa get ready for galloping Goblins in a few weeks. I'm excited because I get to be senior judge again and I feel like I've done a good job this time of making up some bang up obstacles. I have them all written up and we are on our way.
I have been pondering my past friendships again. I have been imagining the words I would say. I even started to write a letter to one of the girls. I started and stopped half a dozen times. It won't matter. On one hand I'd like to talk it out and fix it but noe the trust is destroyed on both sides. I don't see how any of us can go back. I did send a message to one friend telling her I was thinking of her and that I missed her. It's been a year since she went dark. She's not coming back.
Someone told me recently that they didn't think I had a mean bone in my body. I'd like to think she's right and I know in my heart that I did nothing harmful to any of these people. If they choose to believe I would hurt them in any way or if they have allowed themselves to be manipulated then I can't chsnge that. I am sad that this is true. I hate to even admit that I still miss them because some of them may take a weird pleasure in knowing I still miss them.
I'm so happy now that I try to think about what I was like then. I know I was lonely so I leaned on my people. And they let me down. During that time I turned to God and the God brought me Michael. Now I have a new church and a new home and I'm happier than I have ever been. I know that in the coming months I am going to let some people down as I take care of me and my family. I am trying to do what's best for us and make those decisions even if they aren't popular. I have peace in my heart.
Additionally we have been blessed with a borrowed child. She is coming with us to some riding events and she is riding Dixie. They seem to like each other.