Seasonal affective disorder

 I have had the feelings of overwhelming dread and stress for going on several days now. This is unusual for me and I do not welcome these feelings. Not that anyone does but I have this overwhelming sense of stress that I just can't shake. It only just occurred to me today that I am being afflicted with SAD or seasonal affective disorder. I'm sure that all of the days of clouds and rain and cold and being indoors have negatively impacted my vitamin D stores.   In my head I know all of this worry is ridiculous but in my gut I can't let it go.   

It probably doesn't help that Walgreens ran out of my thyroid medicine and did not bother to tell me. So, that by the time I found out that it was unavailable I had already been without it for several days.  Thanks to Gatesville drug company, who had some extra on hand, I at least have some for two weeks. I have learned that the manufacturer had a retooling of their plant and a slow down but that for whatever reason Walgreens did not know this or tell me this ahead of time so that I could obtain a new prescription prior to running out of medication. It has occurred to me that I should do business with Gatesville drug on an ongoing basis. 

 I had planned to start my new routine of days to see  cornets this week. Only sub freezing temperatures, the likes of which we have not seen in a few years, put us to a virtual hold on the ranch. Water froze, pipes froze, no showers or obtainable for several days. So today, on the first pretty day I finally got out to see people only to find that I had several pressing pieces of paperwork that had to be done yesterday. Work stress gets me because everybody wants what they want when they want it or before and I feel like I'm a hamster on a treadmill. 

There is just so much to do. I don't feel like I can ever get it all done. I want to climb in a hole and do none of it but of course that will just stress me out more. I do deep breathing. I use essential oils. I drink wine and other fine spirits. I exercise. Nothing seems to take it away. I partially blame how plugged in we are as a society. There is no escape. There is no peace or isolation. There is just being bombarded by demands all the time. I also blame my chosen line of work. Being self employed means flexibility in some ways, but it also means a lack of routine which I seem to crave more and more as I get older. I used to love being free but now I almost wish I had a place to go to work and some expectation of what each day would bring. 

I'm the cause if a lot of my trouble. I need to learn to tell people what I need more. I am guilty of feeling guilty when I don't take care of everyone before me. I must learn to say no and tell people flat out when I'm feeling bitchy. I don't have to spend each day trying to prove how nice I am. Sometimes I feel nice and sometimes I don't. I'm human. For the first time in my adult life I have people who treat me with the love they claim to hold for me. I don't have to prove it. I don't have to worry they won't love me tomorrow because they do. 

I need to learn to turn off. Some days it seems like the work just never stops. I need to learn to turn it off.