Life among the herd: people are like horses

This post involves something I have been spending a lot of time thinking about and meditating over the last month.  I have had to face some tough decisions and decide who I am and how I am going to live my life.  I have been deciding who my friends are and who they are not and who is going to have a say on how I live my life. 

It has become clear to me that I have had a false sense of security and popularity. I have been secure in the knowledge that I had a tribe, a crew, a clique, a group.  I had been of the belief that those people were my people and that they loved me and would flow with me into this next phase of my life. I thought we were all for one and one for all. Even in minor skirmishes, I had the innocent, child life belief that it would all be ok in the end. They were the ones who encouraged me to get divorced and seek out a new place to live.  They were the ones who told me in no uncertain terms they were tired of my whining and I should get on with life.  They are also the ones who told me to get out there and date and experience life as I never had before.   (but not till after I was divorced of course) I should taste all kinds of different fruit/experiences as well as spend time alone so that I can truly know who I am and be comfortable just being with me.  These are all good pieces of advice.  Alone is good, being with people is good. A balance between the two is important. Other people have said that being alone is over rated and go have fun. I have done some of this as well.

Evidently I was really supposed to be spend more time alone. I heard endless lectures about why I should be alone more and why I should not date after being told I should go have fun...I understood (and understand) the point of view that says to be alone and rediscover one's self and ones true nature. I love to be alone. I love to come home to the quiet and not turn on a TV. I hate having the noise of a radio or TV just for noise sake. I can go days and days without a TV. I do like the company of people.  I like to connect and hear what they are doing, the little stories of their days, and share mine.   I overshared...Maggie tells me this is a problem of mine, especially since I have become single.  It's one I think about sometimes, but then in my zest for life and trading of information I forget myself and get carried away as I did in this case. I would given anything to go back and remove the blow by blow I gave of some of my situation and circumstances.  As I have moved down the pike in this experience I have realized I said way too much about things that I knew little about in an effort to better understand them. I should have written them in my little paper journal and kept all those vomitous thoughts to myself evidently.  I made a lot of wrong assumptions but I also learned a lot in that time frame.  However, I can't take back the wrong assumptions.

I need to learn to be happy within myself and not worry about the acceptance of others. But as a pleaser this is is so hard to do.  My friends' acceptance or lack thereof has been such a catalyst for change or stability through the years. It's very hard for me to say "this is my decision and I'm sticking to it" especially in light of being told that I'm wrong.  When people tell me I'm wrong about my feelings it makes me angry because no one can know about my feelings. I might be wrong about facts, but feelings are subjective and don't have a right or wrong.  When a seemingly small decision turns out to be a catalyst for a huge blow up it's hard to know what to do or think. I can either do what I'm being told to do or I can stand firm and do what I want to do and each has consequences. 

No man is an island so the cliche goes, but sometimes it feels as though I am.  I want so badly to be included and be part of something bigger.  I want so badly not to care what is being said behind my back or the behavior happening just out of reach that I know is there, but hidden from gaze. I have spent years working on this weakness and felt like I finally achieved a confidence that allowed me to stand alone, only to find it's all a lie. And then as you try to gain facts and puzzle out what's really going on all you hear is "let it go". My life is more than a trite Disney song. And how do you get back to the solitude you used to have before you had a group or tribe. I never had it before. I was an outsider, a band geek...then I belonged and now I don't seem to.

It's safe to say when several people or a group rejects you that you bear the brunt of much of the blame...after all if you have lost so many people then it must be your fault right? I mean, it must be if "everyone" reacts the same way. However, I'm not so sure anymore.  In my mind, a mistake was one decision, but probably it goes back farther.  It was probably a series of confident decisions I made while feeling good and strong and independent.   I have learned that whenever you believe in people (over God) too much, someone is going to let you down, as you will let other down as well.  There is no one is yours as an adult. We are all fallible. We all make mistakes, even those people who will never admit it.  But loyalty is something I Have prized highly in fellow man/woman and it's so hard to come by.  Since people are like horses in a herd, when one herd member changes or evolves or another herd member ends up with more power things shift and change and the herd redevelops differently.  You add a person or take a person away the entire dynamic changes and the relationships are forever different.

All my life I always wanted someone who was "mine"  either a husband or a best girl friends.  The person with whom you share everything and it doesn't come back to bite you. The person who reciprocates a mutual love/friendship.  This could be a husband, or more often girls have a best friends. I don't think men do this as much, but they are different...they typically don't tear each other down behind their backs.  I do have one friend like this. We have been friends since we were girls on the swim team. Even if we don't agree, I never doubt that she is there. I know she has always got my back.  When it comes to other people in the world we are always for each other.  I thought I had some of those people now but I"m finding as we get to be adults and everyone has an agenda it's hard to have someone that's yours.  At least, it's hard for other people to be "mine"  I do this for people all the time. I am a good friend and I make an effort to be there for people. I'm brave enough to say the unpopular because I love you and even if you don't like my opinion to don't leave. I may roll my eyes (not so privately sometimes) but I don't leave.  I'm there to pick up the pieces when people need that done too.  I would like a friend like this locally. Someone I know well enough to know what they are up to and they know what I'm about as well. I read books with characters who are these friends, but books are not real life.

After weeks of an impasse things are quieter. I'm learning to accept that it's time to move on. One friend recently told me that she makes it a practice to never tell anyone her business...ever...I guess that's a good policy though it seems a bit lonely. I love input, even when I go another direction, I still love to know what people thing and feel. Even when I disagree. 

I saw a meme the other day and I will post it here. It's becoming my mantra...


This is more who I am unfortunately.

So, moving forward and moving on. Some days will be harder than others and it will get easier with time I guess.  I'm so grateful to the people who are in my life and that I have such an awesome place to live with good friends here in Bluff Dale.  I have my horses outside my window and in spite of almost falling asleep driving home last night, I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

I saw this on Facebook recently and I'm trying to take in the meaning behind it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-P0S0XDazA

Playing catch up

As I sit here, still in bed on Sunday morning, I realize there is no way to catch up what I have been doing since I posted last, almost 6 months ago. So in a nutshell, I have moved to the country with my horses (October). I have lost 50 pounds and I'm now a size 12 mostly.  Thanksgiving was spent with Maggie and some other friends. I have been feeling odd and dizzy since last Tuesday when I went to the chiropractor. I think that I was so out of adjustment my body hasn't found its  equilibrium again. It's raining like mad and I have 4 wet and nasty dogs outside, but my kittens are keeping me cozy. The farrier is coming at around 2 pm and I'm not really looking forward to having to go outside.   I think that wraps it up for today ;-). Back to my book and my coffee. 

The long ride

Today is not a horsey post, but an honest post about an upcoming event in my life.  I guess it affects the horses I ride in a way, but not directly.

On Thursday I will have gastric sleeve surgery.  I know that this is a controversial decision, which is why I haven't told anyone publicly.  I wanted to make the decision and go through the classes without questioning my own resolve or being made to feel I'm taking the easy way out.

For the record I have weighed between 210-235 ever since I had Maggie. I started my pregnancy in the mid 180's and was back down to 192 six weeks following surgery. However, I then broke my shoulder (in a horseback riding fall no less) 6 weeks later and all that good work I was doing getting down to pre-pregnancy weight or below went to heck as I sat and existed in an easy chair for 3 months. I couldn't go anywhere without help so my metabolism came to a grinding halt.  I was busy with our place (15 acres) and horses and work and a baby and I did work out, but I never seemed to lose even when I ate correctly. And I didn't eat correctly back then. Maggie's dad is a big, unhealthy eater and it caught up to us both during this period.  When I met him I was a size 32 levi. By the time we split up I was a 38.

Upon moving to Texas I worked out and ate right. Peter is a healthier eater, though he is prone to the random cheeseburger and providing the pint of ice cream (upon my request of course). He manages to never change weight or look heavy no matter how much he eats. I eat less than half of what he eats and I still gain.  Over the years I have given up french fries, donuts, bread, pasta...you name it, I have tried to live without it and I haven't lost any weight.  I work out, I don't lose; I don't work out and I don't gain. My body is stuck in status quoa. The only thing that has helped me lose at all in the last 12 years is medifast, which backfired on me when I lost my gallbladder...so the magic number for me to lose seems to be 800 calories per day.  Despite my best efforts, i can not eat that little on my own and maintain it for more than a week or two. I just go nuts.

So, last Thursday I started my presurgery liquid diet.  It consists of 4 bariatric grade shakes per day and unlimited water, sugar free jello and popsicles, one cup of chicken broth and lots of willpower.  I was sick with Pink eye on Thursday and Friday which was a blessing in disguise. It would have been hard to work all day while dieting at first.  Yesterday was hard around 4pm, when I would normally eat supper, but by the last shake last night, I would rather just not have eaten, lol.  Today will not be bad and the next three days I work steady and then surgery is Thursday morning. 

I don't know what time surgery will be, but I expect it to go smootly. I will report to Baylor Trophy Club early Thursday morning. Maggie is taking me because Peter had already taken days for something this week before the surgery was scheduled and we didn't want him to miss any more days. Plus, he is fidgety and would get bored...and worry. Not that Maggie won't worry, but she can do school work or read a book or sleep.  Several friends have said they will come by to sit with her and if anyone else wants to, they can.  Surgery should last only about 45 minutes and then I will go to recovery. At some point they will put me in a room and I will have to drink and walk. I have to drink water without puking it before I can go home. 

For the first week I will be on thin liquids. This means unlimited water, crystal light with added protein, broth with added protein, sugar free popsicles and jello.  Then I will be on 2-3 weeks of full liquids which include all of the above and also bariatric meal shakes with the goal to get in 50-60 grams of protein min. each day.  Then after that I go to puree or soft food which include yogurt, applesauce, avocado, a little bit of potato or sweet potato, fish or chicken...basically anything that can be ground up with added protein as needed.  Then by the 6 week I am supposed to be eating "normal" which isn't normal, but it's the new normal.

After week six small meals, eating protein first and veggie second and starch only if there is room third.  My intake will be around 800 calories a day with a maintenance of 1200 later on.  Most of the people I know eat fairly normally but in smaller portions 3 years out, but everything I read warns about watching carbs forever, which, honestly we should all be doing anyway.

Wish me luck, say a prayer and send good thoughts to me this week. 

For the folks who worry, of course I have considered the downside. Of course something could go wrong. But something could go wrong anyway the next time I get behind the wheel of a car. The downside has been weighed and it is a small sacrifice to pay to get this done.  So, if you don't hear from me for a few days I'll be sleeping and drinking lots of water :-)

A typical Sunday right (not)

I am dictating this story and I find that I actually tell a story better than I write a story.  I will make an effort to check for typos. However, I am dictating it to my android tablet I mostly expect what I say to come across. The Android is much better at dictation van is Siri.

I decided to go riding today. I had to go alone because maggie is at her fathers and though I had tried a bit to find someone to ride with I didn't try very hard.  Everyone is always telling me that I need to ride alone more often. The fact that I have not ridden anyone alone since 2008 is probably an indication of this. The only time I have ridden alone that wasn't in competition was when I took Liberty to Bismarck, Arkansas while maggie was there at camp. I spent several days riding him alone in the woods.  He was very good back then but since Maggie and I ride together I just have never really ridden by myself.

Liberty up just fine. In fact, he didn't seem to realize that he had no company until we arrived at Joe pool lake and he saw some other horses. I had intended to ride about 10 miles at a five mile an hour pace. He was eager to head out on trail and forgot that he was alone.  He did not call to anyone else and we were alone with Bailey running down the trail. I use this day to try out some renegade hoof boots. I really liked them for the first 22 minutes of the ride. They stayed on at a trot and a canter and he did not seem to even notice that they were there. We went through some deep mud and they were still intact afterward. When I gave Bailey a break to drink I was so pleased that they were still on his feet after the speed and the mud. However, things went wrong after that. At 44 minutes I discovered that we had no hoof boots at all.  I am assuming that they came off in the deep but that we went through on the second time around. Joe Pool does not have a lot of trails but they are conducive to making many loops.

When I realized they were missing immediately turned around and went back to the spot that I had assumed they fell off in.   I this is the place where they came off then it would take a shovel or a bulldozer to find them.  I made 3 extra loops and covered all the trails again 2 times and never saw a sign of them. Of course there is black gumbo and the boots that I purchased from eBay are, you guessed it, black.

But this was not the only adventure I had today. It became very warm while we were out and I worried that Bailey would overheat. There was also no water on the trail and no good to get down to the lake. All of the bank was very steep and dangerous to go down. At one point I found a bank that I thought would be suitable  Liberty to go  down.  Bailey got down with no trouble so I dismounted and began to walk toward the wire. I like Lake Whitney which has quicksand there is no quick sand at Joe pool lake. However there is clay. I took a couple steps down the hill and probably fell on my butt all the way down the hill. I almost landed in the water. How was completely shocked because it looked totally benign. I quickly told me to stand still. I had already unclipped his reign and had one and in my hand and he had stood perfectly still during my descent. He continued to stay right where I put him and I tried to climb back up the hill to him. I did not want him to slide down the hill and into the water. I had seen that the water was not be there but after I fell down I wasn't sure she be able to get back up the hill later. We were completely alone on the trail. Earlier we're probably long gone as they had already scared coming around the corner as we work answering and I had fallen off. (But that's another show). I tried very hard to climb up the bank every time I put my foot down further and further toward the water. I was starting to panic and I tried to call Lloyd Park main phone number but Siri told me that no phone number existed. After standing patiently for quite a while Liberty decided he was thirsty and proceeded to come down the bank. I about full on flipped out at that point I yelled at him to stand back and back up the hill but he did not. Meanwhile Bailey is having the time of her life. She is drinking water and playing in the filthy muck . She is completely oblivious to the fact that I am stuck.  Liberty charged into the water completely tacked up. He went down his belly immediately and began to Waller.  I got him out of the water and back on dry ground. I was really shaken up as I had no idea how to get out of this mess. I was completely muddy from my head to my toes. I decided the only way and hope that the fabric of my tight would not slip out of my boots have done.  I told Liberty to whoa and he starts very still I began to climb up the hill on my hands and knees.  I found that I had traction to get up the hill this way and I was able to reach a vine that was attached to a tree and did not come. However I was getting out for him to get out as well. I was still holding and he was instrumental in helping to pull me up the hill and out of the mud.  When I was back on solid ground I was very shaky & I was thirsty. I ended up feeling like I must have had a panic attack at the bottom because when I try to eat and then. I was going to throw up. Liberty seems fine and we watch for a while so I can catch my breath. I have never go down to the water along the trail and Joe pool lake ever again.

So, I fell off today. But I hated that since it has been almost two years since I had come off liberty. We try it and cancer most of our ride. The first 22 minutes we're done at a six point eight miles an hour paste that was very comfortable for both of us. The second 22 minutes were almost there why did slow down because it was hot and Bailey needed to drink.  We work answering down a big wide open trail and saw the two men riding  toward us. They were in the shadows and we were in the daylight so I imagine he didn't see them until it was almost too late. I didn't either so I can't really blame him. They stopped and asked me if I was ok wish I was. I almost did not fall off and I landed on my feet. It was one of those moments where you just don't quite catch yourself in time. Then we went on to the muddy part where I think. I wish that I had looked when I remember to see if he was still wearing them.

When it was all said and done, including the time I spent almost falling into the water we still went 4.2 miles per hour. We did about 13 miles so  really not a bad day all in all. When I got back I disconnected the trailer and started to turn for home. When I got to the gate and looked up and discovered that the trailer was still attached to my truck even though I had crank it off the truck. The new truck holds so well I hadn't even noticed the trailer was still attached. I backed up and put the trailer back in its place making sure this time that it was going to stay there. It was a much longer day than I had intended but now I am tend to spend the rest of the evening watching some television and crocheting. Bailey is a very tired dog.

Epic weekend fun!

This was the weekend of Juggs, the epic fun weekend put on by Kate Love and Nancy Williams.  As they called it...it was a weekend full of horse recess.  I took Fiera because Liberty has been complaining about his back. She was so wonderful. We even went on the night ride.  She never took a misstep and she reminded me why I have hung on to her all this time. 

I'm having a hard time believing that summer is already coming to a close. I'm happy because of the heat, but I will miss the schedule.  During the summer I can be home at night and during the school year I do most of my work from 3-8 in the afternoon.  However, this year I have gotten Monday mornings clear so I can work a little longer on Tuesday-Thursday, but have an extra morning to recover from my weekends.  I can get to the store and do a little cleaning and just feel like I have some time to breathe. I can help Maggie with school work more on Mondays too which will be great.

I have enjoyed a quiet morning catching up from the weekend. I should have been writing an assessment, but I didn't do that either, just have rested and watched some TV. I like it. I like it a lot.

Red box

I went to red box and got DVD's tonight. I remembered when my dad bought us a membership to a local vhs club in Liberty. We had to pay a lifetime membership fee and then still rent the movies. And you couldn't touch the movies as they were behind glass. I remember how cheated we felt when movie companies came along with out the fees.

A homeless person mowed my lawn

For those of you who thought I was being coldhearted about the panhandler at the gas station, wanted to let you know I was not actually meeting Crow about four people. Today a gentleman who was clearly homeless came to my door. He asked if he could not along for a few dollars.  I said of course since I actually have cash money on me right now, something that is rare.  If I had clothes that fit him I would have given him some new clothes as well.  He also could've used a bath but I didn't go so far as to invite him into the house.  What impressed me about him was not that he knocked on my door and asked for anything except for work.  

www.natrc4.org/index.php/events/rides/55-without-a-trace

Alice Yovich MA, MT-BC, LMT