Saturday, October 1, 2011

Crisis of Spirit

I have never been a highly popular person. I'm someone who is loved by the friends I have (and I love them back) and I'm considered friendly in new meeting situations. Whether or not new acquaintances become friends is questionable though it is is known that I get along and know a fair number of people, even if many fall into the acquaintance category. The main problem is that I talk too much. I always have. I'd like to think I won't forever but I probably will. My good friends just know that's who I am. Sometimes in work settings it has been a problem but most of my clients just know that's me and since we like each other it's no big deal. Sometimes even through my greatest efforts to be what I consider quiet, it's not enough. This has not been a complaint in awhile but it haunts me even when no one is complaining. Sometimes people want a quiet massage and sometimes people talk. I try to follow the lead of my client so that I do the right thing. Sometimes the client talks and their parents want a quiet massage and that's where it gets tricky for me. Quiet I can do and talk I can do but staying quiet when they are talking is hard. I get sucked into the conversation. This all came up the other day when I lost the client for texting. Whenever something like this happens i find myself questioning all behavior. Was I answering a call or text when someone thought I shouldn't have been? Or did I talk too much? Did I change schedule too often? The whole reason I'm self employed is to be able to change up my schedule but that one always seems to bite me. Then after I fret awhile and nothing else bad happens I'll feel ok but I always find myself feeling like the next shoe will drop. I want to know why some clients are so hard to please? And why I find myself displeasing people I thought I had good rapport with? And further I wonder why people feel the need to blame the therapist when they decide to drop a service when it wasn't really her fault? For example: last winter I got dropped from a client because they said I changed my schedule too much. This was after they cancelled me to weeks at Christmas and I missed a week because of snow and ice. I asked to change the next week's schedule to see her before the next storm hit. Then there was the week two weeksblater that I took off which I had been telling them was going to happen since December. So I got dropped from them and I had thought we were all good. I always ask if I need to make a change. I don't just tell them I'm changing. So I find my work frustrating and my self confidence is often damaged. I feel 'wrong' a lot of the time. I wish that I didn't dread getting in trouble all the time. It's very stressful and it always hits me hard.

So I have complained about being dropped. I need to state, for all my client's parents who read my blog and are my friends on Facebook none of these stories are you! I love all my people and like to please them. I think the biggest source of stress is thinking things are good and finding out they weren't too late to fix it. And it seems like they are all clients belonging to one program manager, which continues to make me look bad and costs me more clients.

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