Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Off to the Bahamas

We have made it Ft. Lauderdale. I had gotten a little nervous because I had read the reviews on the hotel before we got here and they made it sound awful. It's not bad...not the greatest hotel but it's comfy and quiet and the staff is super nice. The food is "meh" but since we are going on a cruise and the Bahamas, I don't actually care.  Plus, it's free so I can't complain at all about any of that. We do have to sit through a time share sales pitch this afternoon and we plan to say no over and over. Furthermore they told us at check in if we know we aren't interested to just stay no and appear as uninterested as possible. I Figure I'll take my electronics and my crochet/knitting and that will make it easy to ignore them. One couple who just got back said that they are relentless on the hounding you for timeshare work, but just to say no and they will eventually let us go...

I saw on the news that Balise is having a hurricane. Glad we aren't going there.

I have been mulling over an interpersonal problem the last 12 hours.  It's something I don't think I can fix and that I'm going to have to let go, but I'm still troubled.  I have apologized for what I did (and honestly I don't even remember doing it) multiple times (this is the not the first time this issue has come up). I understand that I was hurtful. I also understand that I can't undo it and that the consequences of my behavior have to be experienced.  I find myself puzzled by so many things in this situation that I have to let it go but it's hard.

One year ago I had such a tight group of girlfriends.  Over the last year that group has fallen apart and it has been implied that it's my fault.  I don't feel like it was all me...I feel like I was thrown under the bus multiple times by multiple people till it because clear that the people I most relied on were not really the people I should be trusting.  At any point these people could have come to me and talked to me about the problems and I would have either made an effort to change or I would have said that I was unable to comply.  In either case I would not be sitting her a year later wondering who I can trust and who I can't.  Of course the whole situation comes back to trust because I evidently violated trust as well.

Sometimes I feel like this is all part of God's plan to move me forward out of the past and into my future.  I am physically farther away from many of these people than I was before. I have different concerns in my life than I did before. I'm getting remarried in the next 4 months and will be moving to a new location. I now have an adult daughter. I have a fiance who likes to ride. I have a best friend and partner that I value more than all of these other friendships.

The part that hurts in all of this is that I feel misunderstood. Whatever I did wrong, I never did anything being vindictive.  I never did anything to cause hurt intentionally.  It hurts so much that the people involved think that I was purposely mean instead of the clueless I was.  I continue to be amazed that for all my good intentions there are so many people who continue to question that goodness I truly hold in my heart more often than not.  I'm not saying that I don't have human feelings of dislike or hate or sometimes even think about revenge.  But I rarely if ever act on them.  I try to do what I should do all the time even when I don't want to. Or I do nothing.  The biggest, most human part of me in all this wants to know who threw me under the bus...

So I'm letting this go and I'm going to go have fun.  I can hardly wait to go on the boat or the Bahamas beach.  I am on vacation. I can read, drink, rest, swim, crochet, play sims...whatever I think is relaxing.

The plan is to get back on Monday (boat leaves tomorrow). Then we w will drive to Ocala and have dinner with Glenn the Geek and Coach Jenn. We hope to make it to Mobile that night and then drive the rest of the way home Tuesday.  I feel like I'll need a day before I get back to work.  Funny part is that we will be back Wednesday and Thursday (both have things to do Thursday) and then we leave for the JUGGS weekend at Parrie Haynes on Friday.  Then it will be back to real life I guess...sadness reigns. 

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