Monday, November 28, 2016

Weird Mood Monday

Mike and I had a great party this last weekend on what would have been our wedding day (if we hadn't already gotten married in Oct.) The weather was fairly pleasant. About 10-12 people showed up, mostly riders, but a few non-riders.  I got to ride both Hermoso and Vandy...never got around to riding Liberty, who didn't seem to really care.  Hermoso is a little rock star and gaits beautifully. I still haven't gotten anything but a nice walk and trot out of Vandy, but I don't really care. His laid back personality is amazing and he trots very smoothly, so it's all good.  I'm sure I will sort out the gaiting when I get his saddle situation worked out.  We were going to ride on Sunday but a cold, blustery wind blew in sending the remaining riders home. Mike and I spent the afternoon watching TV and I crocheted.

I was feeling oddly anti-social and quiet.  He slept on and off and we had talked about going to the movies, which we didn't do because I just didn't want to put real clothes back on after putting on my PJ's.  I think I really disappointed Mike, but he didn't say so until later. I hated that I did. I told him to speak up and let me know what he really thinks. I could have been talked into going to the movies, it just wasn't my first instinct to go once I got comfy.  I should have sucked it up and gone...but we will go tonight so it's all ok

Mike had to run to waco, but will be back to watch the riding and learn about the Paso Fino horses and gaiting later.  Right now I'm sitting in my PJ's contemplating my first cup of coffee and knowing I need to get off the couch very soon and feed the horses.  Again I'm comfy in my pj's.

I am in a weird in between transition state. I have stuff and Mike's and stuff here. I don't live anywhere right now, but I long to be in Purmela FT.  In the past I could have split my time pretty easily, but now I just want to be where Michael is.  I made the decision that I could not drive into Austin every week to see clients, even if it's 4 of them. It's just too far and the thought of that much time in the car really stresses me out.  I'm really hoping for the job at New Horizons, or just to keep building work up closer to home. I have evals to do on clients around Waco and that is a much more reasonable drive.  If I can get up to 10-12 clients per week I'll be doing just fine and then I'll have the Yes and Star programs when they get up and running.

This last week some old anxiety has crept back in. I have been using my essential oils and deep breathing to fight it off, but my serenity has been a little disturbed. I don't like it. I want to get my laid back and chill summer and fall back. I know it's just all the upheaval and change tends to make me a little emotional, but there is no reason for me to feel stressed over things I can not control.  I also think that maybe I have tried to stretch myself working up here too much. I'm committed to working up here through the 16th for some clients and the next week for others...I'm thinking I should have cut it off sooner. However, being practical and wanting to have a paycheck in January I have stretched it out till give myself more money. This is fiscally responsible, just emotionally draining.

In the end it will all work out. Time does march on whether I want it to or not and I will be living in Purmela sooner than later.  This week I just have to see clients, and then I have a ride to attend.

That is part of what is getting me down too. My beloved NATRC has a competition this weekend and we only have 20 entries.  This upsets me for the ride manager, but it also upsets me for the other managers who have rides to manage in the spring, and one of those people is me. I have already been thinking really small as far as managing costs and expenses.  I'm very nervous though about how much money I'm going to lose and how I'm going to pay for it all.  I want to do it as a benefit for the special olympics of gatesville, but the bills all have to be paid first.  I have a great group of people to help me, but other people, who I used to be able to count on, are not there for me right now.  That means that people I would have hoped would come ride will likely not make it for different reasons. I don't have the friend card to pull to get those entries.  I really don't understand where the riders have gone. I thought we were on the upswing, but, at least for this ride, we have fewer than normal entries for a competition that should be fuller.  We have people coming from out of state, but other people, who live around the corner, are not coming.

I will have fun no matter what. It will be Liberty's first competition since Robber's Route so he should be fresh and fattened up.  It will be Michael's first ride ever and we will have a good time riding together.  I don't have any idea how well we will do in competition, but I don't actually care. It's just for fun.  In the spring I may be riding Hermoso, just to change things up a bit and give Liberty a break. I would never give him time off completely as he is always my choice of horse to ride, but he may need a break from competing.For me, this is a year of going to rides with Mike and spending time together. That is what I care about most.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

I woke up angry

Over the last few days a lot of things that I had previously been hurt about have been making me angry.  I decided instead of stuffing those emotions, or setting them aside or trying to just forget about it, I would go ahead and feel the anger and try to work through it.  I hate that this is going to be one of those "vaguebook" posts but it just has to be...you know like Law and Order "the names have been changed to protect the innocent"

I still continue to just ache over the loss of some of my friendships. It's getting better, but I don't think it will be gone until I just get the anger out, quit being hurt and start being mad.  I have been trying to fix something I didn't do...which has been much the pattern of my childhood and youth.  I was always trying to fix things that I didn't cause; trying to make people happy when I hadn't made them unhappy. I'm learning to accept that some people are just unhappy.  Some people choose to let things get in their way and then blame others.

I have always been a closure kind of person. If I'm going be done with someone I want to be done. I don't mean saying mean things and burning bridges, but I prefer the direct "i don't want to hang out with you anymore" approach to just vanishing and ignoring.  I'd rather get it out there and have that argument and know where I stand than to continue to put time and effort into something that brings me no return.  The problem is, I will keep coming back and trying to fix it because that's just who I am.  I don't want the bridges burned. I want the friendships and relationships.  So I often keep banging my head against the wall when the other person just wants me to go away and not talk about it.

I also despise spin.  I hate it when I think that is my bosom friend and Kindred spirit (as Anne Shirley described Diana Berry in Anne of Green Gables) just to find out that they are only my bosom friend whenever it suits them.  So many times I have thought I had someone I could count on only to find out that things are being said or done behind my back that indicate otherwise.  When I pledge to someone I mean it.  I would not do well in Survivor as I don't know how to pretend I'm making another choice.  So, it hurts and angers me whenever people think I have other motives. I will typically tell you what my motives are.  You don't have to discern them.

Over the last couple years I have been sent hurtful texts about me meant to be sent to other people. This has blown my mind b/c it has shown me what people really think about me.  And it hasn't been true. The things they have texted weren't the case at all and the fact that someone would think them was so amazingly hurtful that I wanted to cry. Only, at the same time, it was surprisingly not a surprise because of the above spin...at some point opinions were set forth about me behind my back that were more believable than who I really am.

I know that in the past stress made me behave differently than I really am. I was in such a constant state of uncertainty about my life that I wasn't stable. Several people have told me over the last year how much more relaxed I am now...and so much happier. Other people have questioned my sanity at moving forward with my marriage so quickly. One person commented that it's amazing when God is doing great things in your life it looks crazy to the rest of the world, but it's so obvious to you in the situation. This was a profound statement and reminded me to not judge the decisions people are making because if we aren't living their lives we don't know what is motivating them.  What looks crazy to us might be the blessing they are looking for.

I am so blessed to be starting a new chapter of my life.  I have Michael as my rock. He is the best friend I have searched for all my adult life. The one person I know will always have my back even if we disagree. I am the same for him...of course we have not had any true disagreements so far. He will settle me down and redirect me, but no arguments. We just fit together so well and I am so blessed that God has brought him to my life. I have learned over the last year who my real friends are, old and new. I have learned who I really can trust and who I trusted before that perhaps I should not have.  It's been a painful and rewarding time.  I can not change what others think of me. Someone recently told me that "your opinion of me is none of my business"...I think I will try to remember that moving forward and let go of the anger.