I start this week with a sense of loss for a life I used to lead. On one hand it's a relief to be freed from the bonds of a life I had outgrown, but on the other hand it still feels very lonely knowing that season of my life is over. I actually have a better life going, so I know I should not be sad, but I feel like I have wasted so much of my life on people who were false. Mostly I am angry and hurt that I was rejected and honestly can't really figure out what the heck happened. I mean, I know what happened, but I have once again been shocked by humans and their cruelty and lack of loyalty. I am torn between raging against the people by whom I feel wronged and calling them out, and the softer, gentler side of me wants to just let it go and move forward.
I suspect that is why I blog here. I am too much of a coward to outwardly tell the people how hurt and angry I am. Part of it is because of saving face and not letting those folks know how much they hurt me. Part of it is because I hate to burn bridges. But I guess that is what they have been doing to me all this time. I have been in central TX almost 2 years and the people I thought I would have friendship with have simply not been there for me. People I stood by in hard times in their lives are not my friends anymore. They deny that it's divorce related, but I suspect, since they still hang out with my ex, that it must be on some level. He has once again managed to take something from me that was mine...my friends. Only, they aren't really his friends either, he is just more useful to them than I am.
When I was unhappily married I was more available to jump whenever someone said jump. I had something to prove because I wanted to make my mark, have someone notice me because I had no attention or validation at home. Now that I am happily married to Michael I don't need the validation, but I miss the community I once had. I loved hanging out with my "friends" at the rides and the pool and just wherever. I realize now that the person I thought was the glue of the group was really just acetone breaking us apart. I was the glue but when the acetone worked it's way between me and those girlfriends it couldn't be rejoined and those people aren't my friends anymore. They don't want to be my friends. They have made it quite clear through so many actions.
This past weekend was an event that I usually attend. I have gone every year but one and I let them know in plenty of time last year I couldn't make it. This year I mistakenly thought I was invited (b/c it's a party by invitation only you know) and I RSVP'd only to be told I wasn't invited. I was shocked b/c I thought these were my people.
Obviously, I now I realize it was a false community. And now I don't want to go back. I mean, I do want to go back, but after being so angry and so hurt and knowing that I was not wanted, I don't want to spend time with these people anymore. For years I have fought for my right to exist in this community and I'm just done. Maybe the CTR side of my life is over and it's just time to ride on the beach or trail ride with friends. I'm not sure, but I find that I am cut to the core over and over by these people. And then when I saw some of the people actually included I was hurt all over again because they are people who aren't nice at all.
I'm a nice person. I include people, I befriend people...If I had been putting on a party and the same mistake had been made on the other side I would have said yes, of course, come on. I would never ever have told someone that they were not invited. I was told I was going to be invited in the second round of invites and that didn't happen either. Michael is hurt for me. He says he doesn't want to go back when he knows we were (or I was--everyone loves Mike) left out.
This feels like the time I tried to plan an epic NY eve party and no one came. Everyone had said they might come, but last minute everyone was busy, or it was too far or they just didn't want to. It makes me realize how rare real friends are and makes me value the true ones all the more.
I have taken this time to think about who I am and where I am going. Obviously, I am not blameless if an entire group has shunned me. But as I think on it, I also don't want to make the changes I would have to make to be included. Those changes would not be true to me.I have grown to realize that I would rather have a handful of close friends than an entire group of false friends. I am proud to be at a place where I can say these things out loud and be honest about my feelings and who I am. I am not willing to jump through hoops to be the person they want or expect me to be. I expect to be liked for who I really am...or not. I have the thing I most need in my life which is Michael who is my husband and best friend.
It turned out to be a good weekend. We were invited over to a friend's house to eat the best steak of my life. We hung out at home and relaxed because it was too muddy to ride. We were able to go to the memorial of a friend who died suddenly from cancer. Those were all important things to do and I'm happy we did them.
Michael is trying so hard to help me quit hurting, but I'm not done mourning yet. It is as though a part of my life has died. A part I really cared about and didn't want to lose. A part I was so excited to get back into because I now live close to people I really loved.It will be ok eventually, but right now I'm really sad.
I suspect that is why I blog here. I am too much of a coward to outwardly tell the people how hurt and angry I am. Part of it is because of saving face and not letting those folks know how much they hurt me. Part of it is because I hate to burn bridges. But I guess that is what they have been doing to me all this time. I have been in central TX almost 2 years and the people I thought I would have friendship with have simply not been there for me. People I stood by in hard times in their lives are not my friends anymore. They deny that it's divorce related, but I suspect, since they still hang out with my ex, that it must be on some level. He has once again managed to take something from me that was mine...my friends. Only, they aren't really his friends either, he is just more useful to them than I am.
When I was unhappily married I was more available to jump whenever someone said jump. I had something to prove because I wanted to make my mark, have someone notice me because I had no attention or validation at home. Now that I am happily married to Michael I don't need the validation, but I miss the community I once had. I loved hanging out with my "friends" at the rides and the pool and just wherever. I realize now that the person I thought was the glue of the group was really just acetone breaking us apart. I was the glue but when the acetone worked it's way between me and those girlfriends it couldn't be rejoined and those people aren't my friends anymore. They don't want to be my friends. They have made it quite clear through so many actions.
This past weekend was an event that I usually attend. I have gone every year but one and I let them know in plenty of time last year I couldn't make it. This year I mistakenly thought I was invited (b/c it's a party by invitation only you know) and I RSVP'd only to be told I wasn't invited. I was shocked b/c I thought these were my people.
Obviously, I now I realize it was a false community. And now I don't want to go back. I mean, I do want to go back, but after being so angry and so hurt and knowing that I was not wanted, I don't want to spend time with these people anymore. For years I have fought for my right to exist in this community and I'm just done. Maybe the CTR side of my life is over and it's just time to ride on the beach or trail ride with friends. I'm not sure, but I find that I am cut to the core over and over by these people. And then when I saw some of the people actually included I was hurt all over again because they are people who aren't nice at all.
I'm a nice person. I include people, I befriend people...If I had been putting on a party and the same mistake had been made on the other side I would have said yes, of course, come on. I would never ever have told someone that they were not invited. I was told I was going to be invited in the second round of invites and that didn't happen either. Michael is hurt for me. He says he doesn't want to go back when he knows we were (or I was--everyone loves Mike) left out.
This feels like the time I tried to plan an epic NY eve party and no one came. Everyone had said they might come, but last minute everyone was busy, or it was too far or they just didn't want to. It makes me realize how rare real friends are and makes me value the true ones all the more.
I have taken this time to think about who I am and where I am going. Obviously, I am not blameless if an entire group has shunned me. But as I think on it, I also don't want to make the changes I would have to make to be included. Those changes would not be true to me.I have grown to realize that I would rather have a handful of close friends than an entire group of false friends. I am proud to be at a place where I can say these things out loud and be honest about my feelings and who I am. I am not willing to jump through hoops to be the person they want or expect me to be. I expect to be liked for who I really am...or not. I have the thing I most need in my life which is Michael who is my husband and best friend.
It turned out to be a good weekend. We were invited over to a friend's house to eat the best steak of my life. We hung out at home and relaxed because it was too muddy to ride. We were able to go to the memorial of a friend who died suddenly from cancer. Those were all important things to do and I'm happy we did them.
Michael is trying so hard to help me quit hurting, but I'm not done mourning yet. It is as though a part of my life has died. A part I really cared about and didn't want to lose. A part I was so excited to get back into because I now live close to people I really loved.It will be ok eventually, but right now I'm really sad.
Update 10-9-18. I found a comment meant for this blog. I should not have posted the deatails of my hurt so publically. It was wrong of me. It also gave people the opportunity to revel in my hurt which was not what I had intended. I didn’t even intend for people to feel sorry. More I was just venting my anger and my hurt. It showed me that my side doesn’t have a lot of support. And it showed me how unpopular I truly am. This is sobering and saddening. But it also makes me realize that it’s time to move forward and forge new friendships.
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