Michael and I had a bout of illness that laid us up for 2 weeks. I don't think I have ever taken 2 straight weeks off in my adult life and certainly not for an illness since I have been a grown. It was as bad as when I had mono as a senior in HS. Today I finally ventured out into public and started trying to be among the living again. We missed the Christmas ride this past weekend because we were sick. I don't think that I ever missed a Christmas ride. It was sad.
I know that I am spending too much time thinking about the past. I have things I want to fix, but yet I don't want to apologize for them. I want to be apologized to. I want others to take responsibility. In the end no one takes responsibility and we all remain silent. I have written some heart felt letters to some people...don't know if I will send them. On one hand I think about being honest and clearing the air and maybe finding my way back to some friends. On the other hand, I feel like I will be the only one taking responsibility and then I will get angry, even if I don't say so. In the end things don't change.
I like closure but I'm finding other people don't. I don't know how to find closure without communication. I don't know how to get other people to communicate and talk even if it means having an argument. I'm ok with tears being shed and voices being raised to get to a point where a solution is reached. So many people would rather just forget and walk away. I don't know how to trust again without clearing the air. I don't know how to mend a friendship when I know other people have been meddling and those people are dishonest pot stirrers.
Someone recently said to me if you have one loyal friend in your life then you're doing pretty good. I thought this was a sad state of affairs that we may only have one person that we can really trust in our lives. I thought how happy I am to have that person in Michael, but it makes me sad when I think about all the people I have always thought were my loyal peeps and then found out they weren't...hence the letters I have written that I don't know if I will mail or not.
I am grateful to the people I have in my life to whom I am loyal and are loyal to me. I am sad this Christmas season to be missing the people left behind. The branches and twigs who have fallen away.
I know that I am spending too much time thinking about the past. I have things I want to fix, but yet I don't want to apologize for them. I want to be apologized to. I want others to take responsibility. In the end no one takes responsibility and we all remain silent. I have written some heart felt letters to some people...don't know if I will send them. On one hand I think about being honest and clearing the air and maybe finding my way back to some friends. On the other hand, I feel like I will be the only one taking responsibility and then I will get angry, even if I don't say so. In the end things don't change.
I like closure but I'm finding other people don't. I don't know how to find closure without communication. I don't know how to get other people to communicate and talk even if it means having an argument. I'm ok with tears being shed and voices being raised to get to a point where a solution is reached. So many people would rather just forget and walk away. I don't know how to trust again without clearing the air. I don't know how to mend a friendship when I know other people have been meddling and those people are dishonest pot stirrers.
Someone recently said to me if you have one loyal friend in your life then you're doing pretty good. I thought this was a sad state of affairs that we may only have one person that we can really trust in our lives. I thought how happy I am to have that person in Michael, but it makes me sad when I think about all the people I have always thought were my loyal peeps and then found out they weren't...hence the letters I have written that I don't know if I will mail or not.
I am grateful to the people I have in my life to whom I am loyal and are loyal to me. I am sad this Christmas season to be missing the people left behind. The branches and twigs who have fallen away.
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