Tales from the Equine water cooler

I am sitting at my desk this morning watching the horses in the pasture. This last week we were able to fix some fence and close a couple gates and give the horses access to our entire piece of land.  Graciously, Michael's sister has not objected to that that part of what they are now running on is hers also. The plan before Michael got hurt a couple weeks ago was to be cross fencing that pasture so they aren't on any ground but ours. We will also then put the cows on our ground too which will make everything really awesome.  We will then have the ability to plant some grasses and rehab the pastures which have grown sudan for the cows for many years. Hopefully, eventually we will be able to raise our own hay as well.

Jan let her horses come out with mine so they all have about 80 or 90 acres to run on. They have access to three tanks and lots of different grass. They seem to be happy, but most days still come up for their feeding and inspection. When they come up I try to always give them something.

Last night I had a few lessons to teach and the herd came up. In the mix of horses some feed got dropped and Joe Bob ate some feed off the ground and immediately choked.  He has choked before. He and Liberty are both chokers and we have done what we can to minimize the problems associated with choke, but this time he just got the better of us.  He has been choking since 6 last evening. He had Dynamite Relax and Release, which in the past has fixed most of our chokes. We lavaged water and a little corn oil and massaged...at 9 I gave him banamine and put him where he couldn't eat all night. This morning he was still in a bad way and I called the vet.  She was not particularly encouraging. She says he may have a ruptured esophagus. He is running a fever and is still rattling. Heart rate and respirations are high.

I love my vet. From the moment she arrived and she lined out how this may go, she did nothing to make me feel like I should have or could have done more for Joe Bob.  She said ideally I would take him to a hospital but that the diagnositics alone would be $500 or $600 before we ever did any treatment and then who knew from there. Sadly we are still paying for Sherman's colic which was $1500 last fall.  She also told us that we had done more for him already than a lot of people do for their choking horses. Practically sometimes all you can do is put the horse is stall with a bucket of water and hope.  So, for the next few days he gets Banamine and two antibiotics each morning.  We are hoping the blockage clears itself and that he doesn't have a rupture.  If he gets dehydrated will go have a port put in and hang him fluid. As a side note, Mike used to have a bunch of bags of fluids from when his late wife had dialysis. Sadly he turned them back into the pharmacy because he never thought he'd need them.  And now they are over $50/bag.

She was also encouraging about my Crown Valiant (Ivan Valentino as Maggie calls him) She thinks he's a fine horse, just needs groceries. She was surprised he wasn't started and I told her that was part of the summer project. Oops, summer is almost over.

It's been fun watching the horses this morning. With the herds mingled, they have worked out a new structure for themselves.  Ivan is above Stormy now, which makes sense b/c she is the youngest.  Dixie is the bottom of everyone, still. Kairro has become a stud muffin to not one but 2 other red horses. Journey is a hussy to all the boys.  I had thought Ember was pregnant, but now as she flirts with Kairro it's clear that she is in raging heat and not pregnant.  My sweet Vandy just tries to stay out of the way.

Last night, watching a child ride who is especially fearful I was struck by the fact that sometimes we have to give up control and give up our fears to gain control of our lives in new and different ways.  I woke up at 4am thinking about this.  I kept thinking about losing control to gain happiness. Much like when we give up control of our lives so that Jesus can come in and take over. I have thought about how many times I have tried to force my control of the horse (or my life) only to be taught the lesson of I'm not the one in charge. Sometimes it's because I don't have the right relationship to make the changes I want to make. Sometimes it because I'm blind to the needs of others.

It seems like I had another profound thought as I lay there not sleeping, praying for a young person I know who is struggling right now, but I can't think what it was...And I have to leave for work so it will have to be a topic for a later post.

Addendum

Moments after I wrote the above I walked out to the truck to drive to my first appointment of the day. I had already had to reschedule the first one because of Joe Bob, but when I saw that my truck had less than 13 pounds of pressure in the rear tire on the passenger side I decide it was a sign from God to punt the day.

I'm starting to think God did not want me to increase my work load...Of course, then I question whether  God would say that since it brings a better bottom line to the family financially speaking.  I just know that ever since I said I'd take the extra clients I have had nothing but trouble with my schedule. I have seen them all once and then last week Mike had his accident and now this.  It's probably just bad luck, but I so hate making people angry when I can't show up.  However, I also know that there are sometimes other priorities. 

At 4 am I woke up singing the song that is listed below. I have been listening to it a lot and practicing it because I plan to sing it Sunday at church, but with the trials of the last couple weeks it seems especially fitting.


Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

Why do people not come to church ?

"But when he came to himself he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight: I am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But while he was yet afar off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him."

‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:17-20‬ ‭ASV‬‬

http://bible.com/12/luk.15.17-20.asv

If we are going to do church right it’s going to be messy. 

Excuse 1. I don’t look anything like those folks at church so I’m just not going to go I don’t want to stand out and be that different. I’m not going to change so there is no reason for me to come to church. 

Excuse 2.  Church people are too fake. People aren’t real when they are in church. 

Excuse  3. You might ask me to do something I don’t want to do like pray out loud or read the Bible. 

Well I had written a ton more but it somehow none of it saved. I’m so upset. It was a really great sermon. I’ll add a link to the sermon when it comes

 Sermon from 7-8

Life without Michael

I can not even imagine what my life would be like without my husband.  I had a moment on Saturday where I feared that might happen when he was bucked off the horse he was riding and landed in the dirt.  Never have I been more happy that we always wear helmets when we ride. Everyone heard it hit the dirt and even some of the cowboys said they were happy that he had it on (of course, they wouldn't think to wear one themselves ;-)  He got up and found his way to his chair and though he was battered and bruised he didn't look all that bad at first.  His shoulder hurt, but he didn't want the grand kids to miss out riding (or me either)...and the ER in Gatesville wasn't open because of the explosion at the hospital this past Tuesday.

I worried about him some when he kept asking the same questions. Later he said that it was because he was having a hard time believing he had come off and that he was trying to put together the facts as he was being told with what little he did remember. At first though he said that he remembered getting on the horse, but not getting off.  He seemed to rally around the idea that he had last 8 seconds (and he did) but he kept asking where he fell off and what happened. This is a sure sign of a concussion.

We had planned to grill out with our son in law and his daughter and the grand kids and swim and stuff, so it was a super bummer when he got home and realized that he needed to go to the doctor after all. He wanted to be clean b/c in these situations you never know when your next shower is going to be. We went to the open urgent care at the Gatesville Hospital and as soon as they heard "bucked off a horse" they asked me if he had been "ejected" and I answered that I guess so. They then said that activated the trauma team and we needed to go to Temple Scott and White because they weren't 100% up and running in Gatesville. They offered to take him by ambulance, but we didn't think that was necessary so we drove to Temple. I drive to Temple all the time but this seemed like a really long trip this time.

When we got to the Temple ER we checked in at the window and it didn't look very busy but we figured that it would be waiting awhile because that's what you do that the ER.  As soon as I told them he was bucked off a horse, the woman in the window asked me if he had been ejected and I said yes, I guess being bucked off is being ejected.  She then help up a hand to me, got on the phone and called the trauma team.  In less than 30 seconds they were forcing Michael into a wheelchair and taking him back to a room and a team of multiple doctors and technicians were xraying, ultrasounding and poking and prodding.  We were kind of incredulous because it just didn't seem like that big of a deal to us...we fall off and get hurt...it happens.  They said he had a possible Pneumothorax which was confirmed and explained why his chest had gotten tighter and tighter. His lung hadn't collapsed, but it would have.

So, now he is in the hospital with a chest tube waiting for the leak in his lung to heal. They say he will be in at least 2 more days, because he can't go home till his lung quits leaking.  They did come in and change out his vacuum and it appears that it was faulty. The new one doesn't show any leaks.

Here is the challenge though.  I can't do anything around here. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd function here without him.  The swimming pool had a leaky pump and I couldn't open it. Several horses need trimming and my hands will no longer squeeze the nippers.  I had to buy square bales for the horses because I don't know how to run the tractor to move the bales of hay. I can't believe how pitifully ill equipped I am to work around here and take care of things.  When he comes home he's going to need time to heal but the work never stops. He is the rock that holds this place together. I can't imagine how I would ever manage without him.  I told him he had to teach me to do these things because I can't not know how to take care of things.

This morning a friend from church came over and helped me with Journey.  On Saturday I was ready for her to go to Mexico on a meat truck (oh not really, but I was pretty mad at her) and today I feel like I Have a little better understanding of her and her personality.  Deb showed me how she gets uncomfortable so easily and how pushing her just makes it worse.  Honestly, these are things I already knew, but seeing someone else do it made a big difference to how I saw her. I saw her through new eyes this morning. So, for now my plan is to do lots of ground work with her and proceed slowly.  Deb may take her if I can't do it, but it's a start.  I think if Mike needs a backup he can ride Ginger, but better, he just needs to stick with Joe Bob because is so trustworthy.  I'm honestly not sure that I can make the time for her. I have three horses I'm riding that I adore. I'm not sure I have time for a fourth.

I started showing Maggie how to trim feet today. We are both having a bad day.  It seems like we start crying at the drop of a hat today.  I'm sad because I miss Michael and then another dear friend was very kind to me today and I started crying again.

I find that I am just out of patience for people who think it is OK to criticize me on a regular basis.  People I thought were my friends who turned out to be opportunistic more than showing friendship. I have begun to realize that I am so much happier here in my little community and maybe it's time to let go of some of those people who continue to be critical.  I was left out of an event that I have gone to all but one year. I was accused of staying home from a meeting to do something frivolous. I want to know why people find this acceptable.  The people doing this would not tolerate being criticized in this way. I want to know why people think it's ok to criticize me.  I find myself wondering this alot. I would like to change whatever it is I do that makes people think I'm ok to pick on.  I'm done. I'm just done. I am not putting up with this crap anymore!

Then I think about other things that make me happy. Little relationships I see developing that make me smile and I can't help but be happy.

My world is so much bigger yet smaller than it used to be. I never want to live anywhere but here and I never want to be away from Michael like this ever again.  He had better live a long, long time.

Struggles and then Relief

I had a long conversation with my father yesterday. I had not talked to in a while so we talked for almost an hour. One of the things we talked about was my ongoing relationship or lack there of with my stepson and his wife. He encouraged me to always be nice no matter what. I told him that so far we have been but that we are losing patience.   However it got me to thinking about whether that is really the right path to take. 

So this is the next day. I’m in a good quiet place today. I finished up my class project and have started some new clients. I have actually had a couple of days of not having anything I’m pressed to do. It’s weird. I like it.  I played sims last night and watched TV. It was good 

Whoever will call on the name of the Lord...

Shall be saved Romans 10:13

Never thought about the fact that no one was saved in the Old Testament did not have salvation. And we’re not saved because it was all before Christ. The only way to be saved is through Christ. 

"And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of Jehovah shall be delivered; for in mount Zion and in Jerusalem there shall be those that escape, as Jehovah hath said, and among the remnant those whom Jehovah doth call."

‭‭Joel‬ ‭2:32‬ ‭ASV‬‬

If we put everything on Jesus he will take care of us. 

This is where Max accused us of zoning out but I was taking notes. Honest! 

There are some people who are trying to get to heaven without ever touching first base. 

It’s been a rough week at the Perryman house. Not tough like a third world country where people are dying from starvation, but tough in a first world human problems kind of way. I have been finishing up a class in Perinatal Music Therapy. I have my final project about half done and have an idea of what I’m doing in the rest but it will take some time and concentration to finish. And I’ve picked up some more clients so that I can reach our goal of being out of debt by the end of the year. It may be lofty but I’m  going for it. 

As a result if this ‘hard work’ Maggie and I did something we haven’t done in years--we sat and played Sims 4 for an entire day. It was great fun, but I think all that screen time kept me up last night. 

Mike did actually have a hard day Friday. He has been trying to get back into the good graces (for lack of a better term) of his son and our daughter in law since about the time we met. It’s ancient history now but things didn’t go well from the first time we met. She decided she didn’t like me the first time she met me and he followed her. I’m pretty sure her parents don’t like me either. In the two years we have been together we feel like we have been sucking up and begging them to spend time with us and love us. Just last weekend we saw them for Father’s Day but we got stuck at the end of the table and the siblings and their families were very cozy and we felt like an after thought. This is pretty much par for the course and it doesn’t so much make us angry as it hurts and makes us sad. Mike was able to talk to his son about this on Friday and I have very little hope that we will ever find common ground. We each have things that the other has done that’s hurtful. Mike suggested that we set everything down and move forward. We have all been hurt and we can’t go back and fix it. However Mike didn’t feel like, based on their conversation, that we can see any changes. They are so entrenched in their anger and resentment that I don’t see how we can make head way. 

There was a song I felt compelled to sing today (and we did). It’s called Your Hands and it’s sung by JJ Heller. The words are below. When I felt the need to sing it I didn’t know why I would need it sung. 

I have unanswered prayers. I have trouble I wish wasn’t there

And I have asked a thousand ways That you would take my pain away

You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands When my heart is breaking. I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth You healed the broken, lost and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry One day you will set all things right

Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking. I never leave your hands

We also have some sadness about the little girl who used to come over and ride. Her mom has continued to fall apart and we finally had to walk away from the situation. Speaking with someone else who is part of the situation I have begun to pray for her again. I never really stopped praying but I have been praying about what our role needs to be in her life if anything. I don’t know how to help the child without being involved with her mother. 

Feeling guilty

I wish I could let go of feeling guilty or bad when I can't spend every moment with my husband.  He doesn't expect it. He knows I Have work to do, hobbies I like and that since I work full time I can't do stuff during the day like he does.  I think part of it is that I want to be with him b/c I just like being with him. But I am so far behind on the class I'm taking.  Then I get like today where I get up early to do my work and have so many interruptions and can't concentrate. It's almost time to leave for work now and I haven't accomplished much of anything :-(  He loves TV and I love quiet. I used to be able to multi task and watch tv and read at the same time, but that seems to have evaporated with age.  I have no reason to feel guilty because I know I have his full support.  It's just hard.

Sermon notes 6/3

Are we willing to be hated to spread the word of God?

We should do what pleases our Lord and Savior no matter how it will be received in the world. We want to be the light of the world. We want to be genuine and not fake.

If we are not experiencing persecution at some level we aren’t doing it right.

At the very least we should be considered nice people. It’s sad when other people don’t think we’re nice. But niceness doesn’t have the impact on people we think it doesn’t.  People will think we are weird when we start sharing the gospel.

We aren’t here to edit the message. We are here to deliver the message. Many people want to take it easy non believers instead of giving it to them straight. I admit to being guilty if this. I want the world to like me and then I’m not the Christian I should be. I have avoided telling people about hell. I like people to like me.

The Lord is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We are just his ambassadors. We should tell them the truth. There is nothing new about the gospel turning people off. It is also true that some people are dying to hear the gospel.