Boundary Issues

I have been examine my inability to make boundaries with people (and probably my horses as well. But for now I'm thinking about people.) Horses come up BC I'm sitting in a Harry Whitney clinic watching Harry setting boundaries for the horses so it's amplifying my awareness of my boundary setting trouble. 

I have been wrangling with how to reconcile the instinct that someone is untrustworthy vs the apparent facts. I never used to question this instinct and appearance with what may or may not actually be true. However I recently finished reading Brenė Brown's book Dare to Lead and in the book she talks about how the mind creates conspiracy theories and fills in facts where none exists. So I am now questioning myself. Before I pull the trigger on an accusation that can't be undone I want to make sure.  

When people have repeated negligent behavior that makes them untrustworthy. When they are smart enough to cover their tracks then there is a lack of actual proof that they are untrustworthy but simply  incompetent how can you tell the difference? When people who apparently loved by all so things that are subtle and backhanded how is it they don't get caught? It's almost as though they manage to get people to not discuss their digressions because they have inspired loyalty. Or in my case they make me question who is trustworthy. There is literally no one with whom to verify my instincts and observations. 

The complete lack of communication adds to my suspicion and belief that a person is untrustworthy. In her book Brené says that people who never ask for help so not inspire trust. I had to really think about this awhile to digest it but it's completely true. I think it's why I absolutely trust some people and not others but I had never pin pointed it until I read it in this book. And then there are the people to whom I offer help and I get shamed into believing I'm a micromanager. When do I know for sure that the person is looking out for number one to my detriment before they harm me? Especially with no concrete proof?

This leads me to explore why I have trouble firming up and setting boundaries where they need to be set.  There are people taking advantage of us and whenever I set a boundary and get push back I   currently lack courage to continue forward on the path I know is the right one. 

I know that part of it is my desire to be perceived as a nice person. I am learning to care about that less but it still hovers in the back of my mind. I want to question people close to the source to find out what they are saying or doing so I have proof but often those folks have so much displaced loyalty from others that I can't be sure I can ask the questions I need to ask to verify truth. 

In her book participating in daring leadership is all about talking to people and not about people. So, I think I may have to just suck it up, stop sugar coating and explain why I am finding the people u trustworthy. However since I have trouble believing in them it's next to impossible to believe in their answers. 

This situation reminds me of when I was getting divorced. I wanted concrete reasons to go. I wanted proof I could see (that I should leave) but since the person involved was clever and conniving (from my point of view) I never had  clear hard evidence of all the things I suspected. I finally had to trust my gut and make my own choices. 

I know that when I make my move (I write I but mean Michael as well) the relationship will be over. I used to care about saving the relationship(s) but I have grown apathetic about the decision. Ambivalence is thankfully gone. 

I'm blessed that my confidence has grown. I now have to reconcile that others will see me as difficult  because I stood my ground and even pushed back a little. As Harry would say "I'm coming into my own pressure" I'm standing my ground and pushing my way up the herd.  It's terifying but time. 

Origin of the word scape goat

This was from an old sermon note I took awhile back but never published.

in the Bible) a goat sent into the wilderness after the Jewish chief priest had symbolically laid the sins of the people upon it (Lev. 16).

.a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency 
synonyms: whipping boy 

This was an amazing podcast

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/christy-wrights-business-boutique/id1138081298?mt=2&i=1000428211195

I got offended. Sermons notes

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭NASB‬‬

Being offended gives the enemy more power. 

I think about this because I have been offended and I told people about it inappropriately. Of course the other parties have been offended by me so I guess we are all even. But this isn’t something I want to be hanging onto. I know I have made mistakes while offended. Max’s sermons on this subject have really been hitting home. I have finally begin to let go of the hurts and anger that have built up over the last few years. I have made amends where I can and I have to move on where I can not fix it. I can only make changes to myself and hope that others will forgive me for my weakness. 

If we are a mature Christian we should not be offended by people. We should talk to the person who has caused us to be offended or who we have offended. If we don’t resolve the offense we run the risk of feeling justified in our behavior and feelings. And then we live in sin. 

"He said to His disciples, "It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea, than that he would cause one of these little ones to stumble. Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him.""

‭‭Luke‬ ‭17:1-4‬ ‭NASB‬‬

I have a friend who is always grace personified. She doesn’t criticize or gossip. Everyone loves her. I often wish I could be that way. I don’t try hard enough. 

Offenses will come. It’s part of life. 

"the princes of the Ammonites said to Hanun their lord, "Do you think that David is honoring your father because he has sent consolers to you? Has David not sent his servants to you in order to search the city, to spy it out and overthrow it?""

‭‭2 Samuel‬ ‭10:3‬ ‭NASB‬‬

Many times people invent offenses that aren’t even there. We imagine that people are offending us. (Of course, I tend to be stupid about people trying offend or out me off) I often make excuses for people that are trying to push me away or ditch me and I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. So,Erika’s people act like they are offended by you and push back when communication would fix everything. 

If we are doing the right thing no one will be offended? Wrong. 

"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, " VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord."

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:19‬ ‭NASB‬‬

We don’t need to seek revenge.  He will take care of our offenses. 

If you are going to move past the offense you have to let it go. 

Forgive. 

If someone offended you don’t go telling them. Make it right with God and move on. The person does not need to know that you are offended. 

Do not live offended. Forgive. 

His power is made perfect in our weakness. 

Proverbs  24:10 "If you are slack in the day of distress, Your strength is limited." Don’t quit. Don’t let someone get you out of the game. 

And then just like that as I leave with good intentions, someone smacks me down and offends me. I really think that I am not easily offended but in this situation I don’t know how to handle a person who is intentionally being rude and attempting to offend. In this case I walked away but I have a bitter taste in my mouth. 

My apologies

"So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:23-24‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

https://www.bible.com/72/mat.5.23-24.hcsb

I made a huge mistake last summer when I spoke badly if someone who I had called friend. I was hurt and I was angry and I should not have aired my dirty laundry in public. I did it because I felt angry and hurt and couldn’t get them to engage with me to resolve the problem but I was 100% wrong. I have made overtures to fix it but I’m not sure it can or will be fixed. I do repent my behavior and vow to not behave this way in the future. Christ calls me to not go behind the backs of others and I need to always remember that. 

Word for 2018

I heard an interview with Author Karina Nelson about her book, Artful Eating. She is a psychologist specializes in the psychology of eating and why people eat.   She helps  people repair their relationship with food. She has a website and a podcast. The podcast was done once a month for 2018. I heard her interviewed by Dave Jackson on the Logical Weight Loss Podcast. Like Dave, I have successfully lost my body weight many times over. She says that he (and me too for that matter) is playing the wrong tape in our heads and we need to change our way of thinking. 

I ordered her book before I was done listening to the podcast. 

 I know that my relationship with food sucks. 

I decided to listen to her podcast while I wait for the book to arrive. In the first podcast she suggests that people choose a word for the year. I started listening to this last evening when I was having trouble sleeping and unfortunately thinking about the word that I wanted for the year did not help me sleep. I woke up this morning still trying to figure out what I word I  should choose for the year and while I have thought of a few none are really striking the right chord. 

She has a word for the month which is Adagio. She said that people tend to start the new year with a flurry of activity and we should take the time to move a little mor3 slowly and be at ease. It has occurred to me that perhaps Adagio should be my word of the year as well since it’s Latin meaning is ‘at ease’. Adagio is also the name of my business so it occurs to me that Adagio could encompass many things for me. 

The first word I tossed around was Acceptance. It’s time for me to accept and embrace the person I have become and am becoming. It’s time to accept that this body is the one I have and while I may not be thin I am healthy and active and happy. It’s time to stop beating myself up for food and lifestyle choices and be happy with a slower, more content life. I was afraid that if I had acceptance as my word I would not get off my butt and continue to grow. 

While I am trying to reinvent myself I need to accept the fact that I also need to be at ease or Adagio with what I have already achieved and who I am. I have no experience with a being at ease. I am not comfortable with myself all the time and that is something I need to change. Instead of thinking about how disgusted I am with myself that I have gained weight back I need to think about how comfortable I am with myself. How adagio I am in my relationship with Michael, my daughter, my body and my surroundings. Instead of thinking about what I have not achieved or what I want to achieve think about how grateful I am about what I have. While I am trying to reinvent myself I need to sitter the fact that I also need to be at ease or Adagio with what I have already achieved and who I am. Michael has long told me that he wants to see me more relaxed. I think I have been afraid that if I relax I will become lazy and  lose my drive. I am starting to see that being at ease or Adagio will only help me achieve more because it will help me focus.

So my word for 2019 is Adagio or  at ease. 

Adagio will be difficult to achieve today. I have been on steroids for a week for my lung infection and asthma and today is my first day off. I slept very poorly last night, not falling asleep until after midnight. I had to be up before six to go to the chiropractor at 7 AM. I find myself jittery and unfocused. I am not seeing in the normal way. I wish to have a calm and relaxed feeling inside my soul. Fortunately today is not a long or difficult day. I have five clients to see three massages and to music. I will be home by around 7 PM and can have the evening to relax. Tomorrow promises to be a beautiful morning and I will get up and play with Vandemere before I have to start my day.

Getting Older isn't for Sissies

I hear this all the time and never have I really felt it more than this year. I have been getting ahead a bit...working more and seeing more clients, making more money, but then in November that just sort of came crashing down with our two weeks illness. In my adult life I have never missed 2 weeks of work in a row from work for any reason and this wasn't even for fun.  Then I worked 3 weeks, got through the holiday week where I saw just a few clients and got sick again. This second time was almost work, shorter lived but with the wheezing and asthma I used to get in my childhood. I had to get prednisone from the  doctor which came with it's own hazards and feeling bad. I have now been sick for so long I can honestly say I'm sick of crocheting and watching TV.  There is so much work that needs to be done and watching McLeod's daughters (almost done, in the 7th of 8 seasons now) makes me see how much work we need to be accomplishing at our own place...only now Mike is sick too. 

Today is a pretty but cold day outside. I'm in my office, working on paperwork. I have a gas heater and 3 of the dogs are in here next to it to stay warm. It's not that cold, but for someone who has been wheezing all night, and who's sleep has only just gotten back to normal, it's good to inside. I had really hoped to do something with one of the horses today, but I think I'm just going to have to leave it for now. I'll have to go out and feed eventually, but I'm stalling because I want to do my paperwork...well, I'm stalling doing everything but writing in my blog.

Maggie will be moving back to Weatherford at the end of the week.  She is taking back her old job at the barn where she will make more money and be with her friends and go back to school at Weatherford college. Coming here and trying on some other classes has made her see exactly what she doesn't want to do. Whether it ends up being the mortuary sciences like she was thinking, or some sort of farm management/business, she is happy to be going back. She gave it a good go here, but Gatesville just hasn't been for her at all.  She will stay with her dad a few weeks and then she will get her trailer registered and we will move it up to her friend's farm where she can live for relatively low rent and have a horse.  This will make us all happy so we have less mouths to feed. 

Soon Ember and Ivan should be going next door to my friend, Jenna's, house. She is literally our next door neighbor even though it's 2 miles away.  Ember seems to be the slower and more calm of the two. Ivan is very showy and will be a good horse for them down the road. They will likely send them to training before they do any real competitions with them, though Jenna is quite the horse woman and Rena, only 13, has great instincts. Rena already rides Ember around here all over the place and they have a good time, no saddle. I'd really like to see our herd get reduced. A couple of old ones are kind of just hanging on. It would be good to have fewer horses.

I lay awake a long time worrying last night.  I hate that we have a surplus or we have a shortage. I do know that it always works out, but sometimes I wish I had a job with a regular paycheck and sick days.  Once I start to worry about one thing then I worry about everything. It all snowballs on me. And it seems to do it worse whenever I am unable to fix it...being sick I cant get on it.

It seems like this is the longest I have been down and inactive in my memory. Even when I fractured my arm last summer I was back at it pretty quick.  When I broke my shoulder I was a young stay at home mom and I was pretty good after the first couple weeks.  Not being able to breath has just been miserable.

I know that my dad wanted me to come up this last Christmas, but it was good I didn't. I really like having Christmas at home with our grandchildren. And I just didn't have the cash. I mean, I could have done, but it would have been money that needed to go elsewhere. I know he didn't really understand but sometimes it's just the way it is.  I know that Texas not close, but they travel other places and with the farm we really try not to anymore than we have to. This year I'm cutting back on a lot of things. We are going to rides, but we will be volunteering more and competing much less, if at all.  I do admit, having been sick at home, I'm kind of ready to get out there. Wherever there is.