Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas 2007

We had a very pleasant Christmas at our house! We stayed home and played with our new toys (I got a 4 gig Ipod, which was way, way cool) As usual I didn't get Peter anything near as cool as he got me. He's really hard to buy for, usually buys what he wants himself and doesn't tell me half of what he wants. I got him a new pan for the kitche, which he'd been wanting, but it wasn't exciting like an IPOD. I now know he really wanted one, but he wanted me to be so off focused of IPOD so that I wouldn't suspect, that he missed his opportunity for me to go shopping. Peter always takes so much better care of us than we can of him. I want to pay him back.

We had friends over in the evening to eat pasta and watch TV. One of the friends brought some limoncello, which is a lemon flavored liqueur. It was yummy and I found myself drifting to a mellow sort of place and time sort of stood still. I could tell I was tipsy, but all my friends said I looked and sounded perfectly normal. Good thing I don't enjoy that feeling and don't ever drink that much often. It just sort of snuck up on me. And to boot, I had a lovely headache when I woke up this am. The definite advantage to "partying" at home is that you don't have to drive. Peter drank a little but not much, so he was in better shape than I was.

Maggie went home with Shawn and Alexa and we've been spending the day rearranging and getting dish service installed into a new room. We are kind of moving a round robbin set of room stuff and cleaning as wel go. The front room has never been used that much and we are going to make it our living room/den for TV. Hence, the dish being added. It's a pretty big task and Peter isn't his usual energetic self...we've both been playing on the computer a lot. We're doing it partly to clean in anticipation of my father's visit on Sat. Though, honestly, I'm not sure they'll come over here. I don't think my dad's wife likes my house or my pets.

I did talk to my mom yesterday it was not a satisfying conversation. Maggie called her to wish her Merry Christmas. Peter dialed the phone for Maggie as I was in the kitchen getting stuff ready for my dinner and then after a few minutes Maggie brought me the phone and said "she only wants to talk to you if you want to talk to her". I thought it was a weird thing to say, but I said "of course, I want to talk to her". I could tell from her tone of voice that she was grouchy. In fact, she seemed so grouchy to me I didn't get a chance to say much to her before she told me that the set of CD's to learn russian was scratched and didn't play properly. I said that I would burn another copy she told me not to bother b/c she wasn't going back to Russia and it wouldn't do her any good to learn Russian. (Background: She had gone on a mission trip and liked it so much that Peter had bought the Russian cd's for her. I have had them for ages and thought she'd enjoy them as a present, so I sent them for Christmas) I was surprised at her irritation and asked her about wanting to go back to Russia. She said that wanting and getting to go were two different things so I should not bother. I was pretty surprised, b/c I thought that was in the game plan for the future. I just told her Merry Christmas and I loved her and she just hung up without saying anything else.

I know that I didn't get her a good present for Christmas. I told her before Christmas I was looking for one more gift and she told me not to worry about it. I did get her something else just didn't arrive before Christmas. I'm not sure she believed me when I told her though. My sister in law told me that all she really wanted for Christmas was for us to come up. That didn't work out either. I just didn't want to travel anywhere. Shawn has Maggie part of this week and next. We are trying to start our own fun and our own traditions and I know that makes us selfish. I would love for her to come visit us here instead of us schlepping up there.

I can't please her. I know that already. Whatever I do, whenever I do it, I'm wrong. It's always been this way. I am the bad kid and Eric is the good kid. Eric's kids are perfect, my kid isn't. It's some weird competition that makes it difficult to be close to Eric and Cindy, which is something I desire. I try so hard to get along with her and I can never do the right thing. Quite honestly, I'm just done. I can't continue to get worked up over her reaction. I can't continue to anticipate what I think her behavior will be. I can no longer try to pattern my behavior after the reaction I hope to get, b/c I never get the reaction I'd hoped for. It makes me very sad. I would love to be able to call up my mom and talk to her about daily stuff. I wish I could talk to her like Maggie talks to me. I find myself sad, but resigned. I have to quit trying. Nothing seems to make it any better, so I have to quit stressing about it and just move forward. When I try to talk to her about this stuff, she gets mad and turns it back on me. It's always something I have done that is causing the stress.

After yet another attack on Willie, I have decided to send Frankie to the pound. I have alerted JRT rescue so they can find him a home. The problem has been that as long as I Have him in a home, they don't try really hard to find him a home. If I send him to the pound, they will find him a home. I feel terrible b/c he's so much fun and bright and energetic, but he's beating up my little dog and he and Scooby fight as well (though Thank God not recently) I have just grown so weary of taking care of him and protecting my other pets and food on the counters. I'm just done. I think if he had a one dog home he'd be much better off. I have tried to find him a home for over a year and it's just not working. When I meet people who may want him, I tell them about him and they don't want him. I always joke that I can't give him to anyone I like b/c then they won't be my friend. I can't go anywhere without taking him with, crating him or boarding him. He can't just be in the backyard ever. I hate to admit I failed, but I also hate the thought of going on like this for the next 10 years or so.

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