Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Shaken Faith

I have begun to wonder how I can be so happy and complete in my faith in God and in my husband and find myself doubting so many people in the world.  It seems like about the same time that I became happy in my private and home life, my faith in people sort of went out the window.  I remember Joel Osteen once saying that God will sometimes do this as an attempt to get us to look to him.  While I am not a huge fan of Joel, I found at the time that those words rang true at that time.

I find myself constantly questioning the motivations of other people and wondering what they are thinking or if they are thinking at all.  People I thought I was going to forge close relationships with have demonstrated in so many ways that they can't be trusted.  In some cases I have no idea what went wrong. In others I have a pretty good idea and honestly would not change the interactions I have had because their behavior demonstrates just how shallow they are. 

I find myself wondering why I have such a hard time speaking my mind when others are clearly being rude and breaking into my boundaries.  I know that it is because I do want to get along as much as possible, but that said, sometimes I really want to let them have it.  Recently I had a conversation with someone who was telling me how someone else felt about a situation.  I lost my temper and said that she could repeat...(well that's not really the point of the story) She then said to me that she wasn't going to put herself in the middle.  I didn't think of it till later but I should have said that she had already put herself in the middle by listening to their side.  She has been in the middle for a long time, fanning the fires of a negative relationship while pretending to be on my side.  In this situation I know exactly what went wrong, but feel like I made amends...of course after making amends I did tell her she was wrong about something factual (and she was--I googled it and talked to concrete sources) and I'm sure that didn't help. In some ways I hate that this relationship has turned out this way, but in others it has shown me that we weren't really friends at all since it took something so small to keep us from being close. And it makes me wonder what was said behind my back about me before I realized that she really didn't have my back. 

I often find myself just shaking my head in disbelief at people...this weekend I was at a competition with my horse and an experienced rider was telling one of the new riders who she could count on for help.  I had already offered my assistance and was standing there while she pointed out all the people this girl should ask for help.  After that lady had left I turned to the new girl and said that if she needed anything I had been doing this since 2002. Oh yeah and I Had a horse who placed top in the nation in my class in 2015..somehow a competitor who has been in the sport just a couple years was better suited...I don't know. I was gratified to find I did not care so much about the experienced rider as I have been in the past.  I really have just quit trying to get "In" with anyone.  These days I honestly just prefer to ride my horse, place when it happens, see beautiful scenery when I don't and enjoy these awesome days with my husband.

I do believe that God wants us to keep our eyes on him and it is sometimes hard to do. I feel resentment and sadness bubble up when I think about how hard I have worked at so many things to still be unappreciated.  It takes my natural instinct to be helpful and just squishes it down. 

I have been studying the Enneagram and have read a couple of really good books.  I have come to realize I am a 2 on the Enneagram and this is the Helper, The Giver or the Befriender...this is the one with which I most resonate.  The 2 wants to be friends with everyone and finding out that you can't be is really difficult.  According to the Enneagram 2's deadly sin is pride. This doesn't necessarily mean being proud of accomplishments, but pride in our ability to help/give/befriend. Some 2's give to get, and while I don't think I'm one of those people, I do have a lot of indignation and disbelief when people treat me badly "after I have done so much and treated them so well." I have Golden Rule Syndrome...I expect that because I am nice to others that others will be nice to me. Let me tell you it just isn't true. 

And then there are the people who dislike me for no reason that I can figure.  The ones that I want so badly to be close to for whatever reason, be they family or just cool people, and they just aren't my people.  There are a couple of these in my new, Perryman family.  I have done everything I can do to work things out with these folks and I have had to accept that this is not my problem.  I have written letters, praised them, encouraged and been friendly.  I have, in return, been snubbed and ignored and even bashed behind my back. Michael along with me and they are supposed to be people who should love him no matter what.  I don't even care if we are friends anymore, but I would at least like for all of us to be friendly.  I would like to be respected as an elder.  I have mentioned this in the past and was told that they would not "lie" about their feelings and treat me as though they liked me when they just could not.  Wow...I would never have been that way to my parent's friends and my elders. Even if I really disliked you...because it just wasn't done "back in the day".  I would so like to be able to sit down and converse with these people and just find a way to fix it. Sometimes I think that it's almost better just to start over than to rehash and that would be OK too.

So, yeah, this is a huge rant about all the crap that's been frustrating me lately.  I have been writing this post in my head for awhile and decided it was just time to say something...and I find myself hoping that the people in the stories know who they are...I would like to be able to have a conversation and make peace, but right now just having them know how insulted and frustrated I have been by their behavior is enough.  I had hesitated writing any of it down lest those folks wear it as a badge of courage that they have hurt or upset me. However, if they feel that way then it is definitely not my problem since I truly do want to just get along.  I mean, we could have a conversation and hash out some stuff, but I'm not sure there is anything to be solved.

All of these things were what made Mike and I think we wanted to live at the beach far away from everyone.  People have taken him for granted far too long. I believe a lot of the hostility comes from him having a life he's loving and somehow that's my fault. 

If you are still reading...Michael and I had a great weekend at the Pine Grove Giddyup in Leslie Arkansas.  Joe Bob wasn't too bad this time...he was good enough to be first in Novice Heavyweight, but not good enough to win sweepstakes, but hey, that's ok.  Mike is so good with him when he has his Joe Bob moments...yes I know you aren't supposed to describe a noun with itself, but it is really the only want to explain joe bob..silly horse. Vandy got sixth.  Mike got second and I didn't place in a class of really good riders. I don't care so much about the placings anymore, but I did find myself lamenting on several of the obstacles that they were ones that Liberty would have aced.  Vandy will in time. He's a great, comfortable, sweet ride and I had a wonderful weekend. The worst part is the driving up and coming home leaving us both exhausted today. I have been doing paperwork and promoting my massage biz on social media and working on my Perinatal music therapy class. In a little while I'm going to try to figure out why I can't get my DVR and my ipad to talk...you know, important stuff.

Jan Lear was at the ride too and she placed in her CP B class. I think she was fourth and her horse, Kairro was 2nd.  She was exhausted, but had fun.

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