The Last Year

Today I have been contemplating all the changes to my life in the last year. I have been thinking about who I was when I was going, who I was a year ago, who I am now and who I will still become. I have been thinking about all the support I have had to arrive in this location. However I have also been thinking about the friends I have lost and the people who have been hurt by me. I'm grateful for the first and saddened by the latter. I do wish I could be the person I have become without the losses. I also know this is not possible.

Well there went a well thought out paragraph that vanished Because I didn't save properly. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be shared.

A year ago I was preparing to move out and start anew life. I don't think I did it the right way. In fact on the other side I'm sure I did not do things at all well but in the thick I needed to make a move And make changes. After struggling for years it was time to move on. The continued fallout surprises me because I truly thought the feelings we're mutual and it was necessary for one of us to move forward. I still don't think there was ultimately another answer.  I foolishly believed that we could move forward with no backlash but I now see that isn't the case. I miscalculated. I hurt more people in my miscalculation. I am paying attention now.

I originally wrote this on Sept 14. I just thought I had more to say and hadn't published it. Today I realized it was complete and ready to go.

This year has taught me a lot and I am not for a second sorry I took my steps forward. I thank the Lord that things happened in my life the way they did or I would not be where I am now. I love the rascal flats song 'bless the broken road'  I feel like it is exactly how I got here and I praise the Lord for the bad times that led me to this time in my life.

the right Path

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalms 16:11 NASB http://bible.com/100/psa.16.11.NASB

This is today's verse of the day and a good follow up to yesterday. Yesterday I was reminded not to take vengeance or hold a grudge. Today I reminded that God will show me my path.

I have spent so many years allowing myself too be tried in the court of public perception. I never wanted to know that someone thought badly of me. I wanted to make everyone my friend.  I practice being friendly to people I don't even especially like because I feel that it is good and kind. I also feel like each person has qualities that are worth loving even if I don't like them. There isn't a person on earth I wouldn't assist if they needed me regardless of my greetings for them, or if I even know them.

I spent so many years saying yes to other's demands that I often lost track of myself and I over worked myself. I wanted people to think I was a super woman, but truth is I often did a poor job of everything I took on.  I have been learning over the last decade to be more true to myself. I'm following a path I feel God has outlined for me over an ego driven path that seeks human approval.

But what do you do when key humans object to your path?  I don't feel it is necessary to convince anyone I on the right path but it is often hard to be separated from people with whom you would like to have a relationship. Or even worse, with people who have been an important past of your life and have now gone a different way. When you love someone you share their hurt and their joy.  I appreciate that people live us enough to be concerned about the speed of our relationship but I also wish they could share our joy. I know there has to be a balance of concern and acceptance. I'm just not sure where the line is. We know we are on the right path and we know we are walking in God's path but approval of humans makes things so much easier.

I am so lucky to have Michael in my life. I feel that he is a gift straight from heaven. I know we have moved fast. The funny past is that I have never been a fast mover. I have always been the holdout in a relationship, holding back part of myself or peeking around the corner to make sure I've made the right choice and that no one better is out there. After meeting and loving Michael I don't think I can imagine anyone else in my life again. We fit each other so well. We like each other other's company so much. I never believed in soul mates before but now I do.

A friend told me a quote today: your opinion of me is none of my business. I like it and I need to remember that goes both way and keep my own opinions to myself more often, Because this opinion thing is a two way street.

Playing games

I have two swirling thoughts today that may or may not go together. The first is this Bible Verse from Leviticus 19:18

You shall not take vengeance or bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

I have some people I'd like to take vengeance on hehe. I know I'm not supposed to and I'm struggling with this today. Yesterday at church Jess said that the enemy will put in front of us the thing that we struggle with, so here it is...

But, while not bearing a grudge or passing judgement does that mean we are supposed to just roll over and "take it". I don't mean all out warfare, but isn't just sitting the person you have the problem with down to talk better than knowing the problems are being hashed out in the shadows?  I feel like it is.  I don't mean fighting, though sometimes clearing the air does lead to a fight. Sometimes clearing the air means understanding that you aren't going to work it out. It may mean situations can be salvaged or it may mean you accept that there is no fixing it.

I know some people find confrontation and directness to be uncomfortable. I hate being confronted when I've done something wrong and feel like I'm in trouble, but at the same time I find it cathartic to have a resolutions and closure even when it's not the closure I originally had hoped for. I'm learning that not everyone feels that way. Many people just find it easier to turn away, stop talking and tip toe into the shadows.  I'm learning that if someone has that comfort level, that is often what we "nip it in the bud" types have to accept as well.. No matter our good intentions we can fix every situation. We can't make everyone like us or accept us. We can't always have a positive outcome.  While this makes me sad, I am learning to accept these facts without holding a grudge, but I do always hold sadness for those people I have lost.

Soon I will be starting a whole new adventure. I find it hard now to continue walking in my old path with the new path so close at hand.  My wedding is November 26 at Bluff Dale...it's going to fun and casual. I hope people bring their horses and ride and hang out.  It's BYOB and bring appetizers and desserts and just eat drink, dance, spend a few minutes getting us married and then continue to play.  I can hardly wait.

Leaving my house at Teresa's is going to be really hard because I love it so much.  However I'm sure that someone else will love it and take care of it after me.

Dreams

I guess I'm processing a lot at night.  My dreams are crazy and strange. I dreamed that I tried to do my own nails with dipping powder at home. Crazy...

I dreamed about people with whom I have been friends that are now distant. In the dream our friendships are restored, which is unfortunately not the case. My subconscious supplied some of the answers to my conscious questions for why things are how they are. It has helped provide closure and clarity on a chapter of my life. My dreams have shown me what I did wrong and what I can't take responsibility for. I'm struck by how a dream sees that the conscious mind misses.

Today in church the minister talked about how we are often faced with the items that tempt us. As I have been attending church again I have been making better choices and I have noticed many old habits and acquaintances falling Away and my friends are better. I'm learning to stay focused on what is good and let go of what isn't. I'm learning not to take responsibility for things that I don't have control over.

We don't resist sin often enough. The pastor is right...he says we invite sin. I never thought about it but that's true. When I was younger and more idealistic I can say I resisted but I can't say I do this anymore. As adults We tend to take the easiest path. I had not thought about this in a long time but it is true.

Our focus on Christ is most important. If we stay focused on God we will stay positive.  If we step away God will forgive us if we ask.

The price of work

I have been considering my work and what I earn and wondering, not wondering, knowing I need to make some changes but not really knowing what changes to make. I am a music therapist and a !massage therapist working primarily with children and adults with special needs. I also do massage work with a hospice (my favorite work) and I am working on becoming a doula and doing music therapy child birth assistant work.  I have built my business around traveling to people's homes to see them. I have been happiest when I had 10-13 hours of work. Of course this is when Maggie was younger and I was taking her places. I"m capable of more work, this has just been my sweet spot.  I have had up to 22 hours which is just too many. I currently hold 18 (and all this is not including hospice) and it has me working 3.5 days per week.  I could spread some of them out more, but since I live far away from the city it makes more sense to just to hit it hard when I'm in town and not drive to town more than I have to.  

I have been figuring what it costs me to earn what I earn. I make good money per hour and I won't deny that for a minute. There are a lot of 'non billable' things that have to be done in the course of a week as well and they are what leaves me feeling like I'm always working.  There is always a note to write or paperwork to do. It's frustrating to never feel like I'm finished working.  I also am lucky in that I can make my own schedule, so I'm not really complaining...at least not much.  I have always looked at my hand's on hours is half of what I do and I double that in my mind to know how many "real" hours I'm working and this seems like a viable formula.  So with 18 hours, I'm in reality working 36 hours, which is almost full time.  Of course, this doesn't take into account the extra people I see or the hospice people which is over and above. That number comes and goes so I don't count it as part of my week. Also, some weeks a lot of people cancel, so I am rarely seeing all 18 hours of clients.

I have been wondering if I should reduce my hours to drive into the city one less day.  As I approach my November wedding and eventual move to Purmela this would seem to make sense.  I am finding that i just don't tolerate the late nights and getting home after 1030 or 11 pm like I used to. I guess I'm getting old and I just don't have the energy I used to.  I now have so many day time clients I don't have to work as late...Conversely I have so many day time clients that I can't start as late to make up for the late nights.  I got home last night at 10. I got to sleep after 11.  I had a hard time waking up this morning to go see the clients I have this morning.  I just hate to give up the income of the extra 2.5 hours of work.  Of course I am praying about it and I feel God pressing on my heart to make this choice. I know that He will ultimate take care of me, I just hate to be foolish about my decision.  I wonder if I have been trying to do too much in any case. I find myself wondering what other therapists who do outcall work do.  

I have the opportunity to become the backup therapist at a massage establishment close to where I will be living. However I'll be an employee, I'll make half of what I make per hour now and I will lose much of the flexibility I have grown to love about my life.  The pros are simple, less money spent earning what I earn and more time at home.  As I become part of a new family unit these choices will have to be made, but I had decided not to make these choices until after we got married.  I have (probably unreasonable) concerns that if I go ahead and move my things and give up my house...what if something happened and we didn't get married. I don't mean like we break up...but what if something happened before we got married. Then I would be out of a house and out of a job and pretty much in a bad spot. So, we decided I should wait to make those changes till after the wedding. I'm at peace with that decision completely. It allows me to make one change without making a bunch of changes at once.  However, it also leaves me wondering how much is too much work? How much free time is reasonable? Is there something else I should be giving up besides money earning potential?  Is this something I need to just push through?

This is what I have been thinking about...

addendum. I found out that a couple agencies are looking for therapist near waco and Killeen ao if I give upy monday clients or shift them in will end up.filling that day with new opportunities. this is honestly thr point of consolidation: to move me closer to a career in the new location. 

Another weird dream

I have been starting my mornings with strange dreams. They occur during the time my alarm goes off, or just before and go through when I finally push up and get out of bed.

This morning I dreamed that I was in a college cafeteria, but it was outdoors. I had been working at a long table, waiting for lunch time with my friends. I had my stuff all over the end of the table. My friends started to pile in and I got up to get my lunch. One of my music therapy teachers, Joe Pinson,  was there ordering food. He didn't realize it was the first day of classes...he used to teach college so I thought that was funny that he didn't realize classes were supposed to start that day.  I was trying to eat healthy so I got a banana and a yogurt and a tiny soft shelled taco.  When I got back to the table I found that one of my  friends had sat in my spot. I asked her to move and she refused saying her husband was coming and she needed a spot for both of them.  I replied that Michael was also coming and that all my stuff had been there. She told me she had moved me down the table.  So began part of my dream when every time I got up, my stuff and been moved. Finally I could not find my things or my food.  The disrespect and the lack of caring really got to me in the dream.  I ended up going off on the girl who had moved my things and her husband.  I was really angry with them and I tried to tell them all the things I have been holding back. Only every time I would start to get to the point of what I was saying I would lose my voice and no one could hear me.  I thought that one of the others in the group was on my side and that she would try to help me, but she agreed with them.  I left the table with Michael, in tears, trying to explain everything I was feeling, but still having no voice.

I don't need any interpreter to know what this dream is about.  I felt disrespected and undervalued in the group and Michael stood by me, which is awesome.  I couldn't tell my friends my concerns b/c I didn't feel like they would hear me anyway. In the end I just made a lot of people angry and accomplished nothing.  I think this dream embodies some of my recent relationship frustration where there are people with whom I would I like to talk but it is an awkward situation and talking it out may not even help.  It embodied my frustration with not being heard and feeling like my opinion is not important. The worst part is that when I tried to have my say,no one could hear me and I changed no one.  The best part of the dream is that my subconscious knows (and my conscious mind already knew) that Michael is truly on my side and my friend.  He is my rock and the best thing that has happened to me in this lifetime.

Tough Day

I sit here at my little desk in my bedroom...it's after 9 and I haven't even been in the house an hour yet. I have so many things swirling in my head and I have so much work to do....I had planned to come in and write my notes and watch some TV, but I find I really just like the quiet.  This is how I'm reminded that i really do need a paperwork day.  My paperwork is due by mail in Houston on Tuesday.  It's really hard to get it there unless i do it late and mail it priority on Saturday. I can get it there by Tuesday by Fed Ex ground as well, but I have to be on it early Monday morning. I had grand ideas that I'd get everything written and send it at the PO first thing in the morning, but it's clearly not happening. I do need to go to the PO first thing in the morning. I Have packages to pick up, but my brain is far too tired to write notes tonight. In spite of the fact that I don't enjoy early morning I'm more productive at 6a than I am at 9pm.

Three cats are out and one is lying on the bed with Bailey.  Pepper doesn't like dogs...or other cats really much.  She is curled up sleeping. Bailey is stretching out on the other bed. I'll have to get the other cats in before it gets too late because I like them and don't really want them to die.

When Michael and I get married the hardest part is going to be staying focused on my work when it needs to get done.  I enjoy being around him so much that it's hard for me to buckle down and work.  And he wakes up much earlier than me, chipper, and wanting to watch the news. I'm either going to have to learn to work with the TV on or go out to "the cabin" to do my work and wake up at my own pace.  He is the most considerate man I have ever met (I am NOT disrespecting anyone I have been with previously, fyi, this is just commentary on how kind HE is) and he will do whatever I need without question. I need to find my own balance so he is not burdened with that task.

I have decided that for now I'm not going to look for a job closer to his home. I'm going to keep my little house at Teresa's for as long as I can stand to split my time between his house and here. I will slowly start to put feelers out and through one of my contracts I will start to find work closer to his house.  I will be up here about 3 nights per week, maybe less sometimes, and down there the other four. This will give me a chance to get married and then find work instead of trying to do it all at once.  I am also going to rearrange my furniture here again to get the big TV out of the bedroom and make it more "2 person" friendly.  That way if he's here and can't sleep or I have work to do and he wants to sleep we will have a more functional space to make that happen.  It's all a process.

My trailer is still not getting any hits. I'm not sure why but I do need to get it sold. I'm hoping to work on cleaning out so I can take photos of the inside tomorrow morning, but I have some other stuff going on so who knows.  I've reduced the price to $4800, but that won't include the hi tie, since that itself is $300+.  So anyone interested in a horse trailer with a great place to sleep email me.

I found out today that my first CTR horse, Delicato, a shagya mare, died earlier in the summer. The folks who had her and were using her for lessons kept meaning to call me but just never got around to it.  They were busy, so I'm not upset that they didn't call, but it is sad knowing she's not in the world. I realized today that all my KY pets are gone now...

Deli was not a great CTR horse, nor was she a great dressage horse, but she turned out to be a great lesson horse in her later years.  She did not really like the ever changing things on the trail and while she tried so hard to be a good trail horse she would sometimes lose her marbles and spook, which almost always meant that I fell off.  One time, at Parrie Haynes ranch, we were cantering along a trail and out of the blue she spooked and I came off so hard I lost my shoes.  I had a hurt tail bone for weeks (months?)...it only happened 2-3 times per year but it was always big and I almost never stayed on.  I wish I had been the rider I am now when I had her. I'm sure we could have done better things together now. She was a beautiful creature to look at but she hated other horses.  She would get after any of the horses than came near her when being ridden.  I will have to ask Laurie/Sarah at the NATRC office how many miles she had in CTR. Not that many I'm sure. We competed at 2 rides in 2002 and 5 in 2003. I think there were 2 in 2004 and then in 2005 and 2006 just a smattering.  2007 I took her to be bred but rode her in 1 competition on the way there...she lost her mind and we had to pull just before the 2 mile marker on the 2nd day. So close to the end...

Besides her CTR career she did a little pony club with Maggie, a little dressage with me. She liked to jump if it wasn't too hard, but had a habit of ducking out at the last minute given a chance. She was mother to Fiera, who like her mom didn't really like trail and is happily doing therapeutic riding in Arkansas....

I have posted some photos of her on facebook...as I mentioned above she was a beautiful horse. She will be missed.