Sunday, March 30, 2008

On Feeling stressed out

Today was the first day in awhile that I woke up gripey and cross with the world. There was simply too much to do and no time and no time to relax. I don't know the next time I will have a real day off, with nothing planned, nothing that has to be done. I usually try to sleep in and play about the house on Wednesday mornings, but this week I have a client to make up from last week (even though it was her fault I didn't see her last week b/c she kept canceling on me GRRR) I'm finding myself really angry with the doctor who doesn't take my anxiety and depression seriously enough and the counselor who wants me to talk about my mother and how that is the cause of all my stress. It seems that unless I'm talking about offing myself (which I'm not) or I'm not on huge shopping sprees (demonstrating that I am indeed truly bipolar--which I'm not) I'm not to be taken seriously.

NOT! I know the cause of my stress. It comes from feeling like there is always something that needs to be done and that I am not allowed to just "do nothing" When I contemplate doing nothing I think of all the things that "should be" done before I do nothing. I can justify riding my horses b/c that isn't doing nothing...that is exercise and work and therefore ok. I don't know why I think I must always be busy and occupied, but I do feel that way. I don't even sew much any more b/c sewing is recreational and I feel like the work has to be completed before I can have fun. And there is always something that needs to be done. There is laundry, the kitchen is a mess, the lawn needs mowing, the bathrooms need cleaning, the floors need mopping or sweeping...well, you get the picture. There is always something we ought to be doing.

And I think that my anxiety about getting stuff done is made worse by the fact that Peter is completely able to live in his corner of the office, playing video games and surfing on the internet no matter what my stress and anxiety level toward getting stuff done is. So that fact that I can't light a fire under anyone else in my family to clean stuff around here or just automatically do menial chores adds to my anxiety level b/c I feel like it's not going to get done if I don't do it. And leaving it undone doesn't help b/c I always crack under the strain of the mess before anyone else ever notices.

The only time I'm really stress and worry free is when I'm on the back of my horse with no watch on my arm and no other people around me. I can just commune with my horse and not worry about anything when that's happening. Of course...this doesn't happen often enough for me.

I do find myself wondering if maybe it's ADD instead. I just know that I would like to know what it's truly like to really relax. Even when I get a massage I'm always paying attention to what the therapist is doing so I can remember the really good techniques. My mind just works all the time. But it's not a cycling thing. I just think all the time. Even when I'm sitting still I'm always thinking. I simply don't know how to shut down in a positive way. I don't sleep, or can't go back to sleep (though I got some good sleep with weird dreams last night) For a few weeks I was playing Sims 2 and it seemed like I was getting kind of mindless that way, but I haven't even done that lately.

I have been getting all my work done each week. I'm just not feeling happy. Today I had lessons to teach, we had a shed to put up. We had a fence to build. Jackie wants me to keep teaching after we move to the new field and I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'll do it through the summer and then reevaluate. If I play my cards right I will get the kids on way day per week and Maggie and I can load up and go ride while we're out that way. It will give us a week to have a real arena. If we don't feel like hauling, we'll just ride Jackie's horses and make do.

I feel better after my little melt down here. Now I think I will go to bed!

Oh, but before I do...Deli bit me on the shoulder today and it really hurts. I can barely move my arm as she got me right on the right shoulder with upper and lower jaws. It really huts. I'm going to have a nasty wound. She was mad and fussing at Bobbie and she reached over and took a bit out of me instead. I don't know if she was going for Bobbie or mad b/c I scolded her, but it was awful. My lesson today was OK...Little Katie is a stitch of a rider. She's just fearless and does everything I tell her to do in the saddle with no flinching or argument. I wish Maggie would do as well! The horses didn't want to go through the mud and muck, but boy she just didn't even care. I was really proud of her. Maggie rode Dixie, who didn't want to cross the creek either. WE finally got them all across the creek...and Maggie showed real grit and determination to get Dixie to cross. Deli was fine and slow, as usual. If I hadn't gotten bitten, it would have been a stellar day...but boy, it was hot. Summer is going to be here soon.

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