Monday, January 21, 2008

I have no idea

I'm sitting here realizing it's been about 10 days since I posted anything and I don't really have a theme for today's post. Maggie is sick today and we've been home today having a lazy day. She didn't have school anyway b/c it's Martin Luther King's Birthday, so the sitting around is appealing to me. I'm not sick, but I really am very tired, though i don't find it easy to nap during the day anymore. I'm sure I'm just tired from the travel, but I know I'm also tired b/c it's winter and I get this way. I don't know if I'm really, truly depressed or just kind of blah. Lack of exercise will do it, and not getting enough sunlight. I just feel cranky and tired. I really like working, yet I start every day and end every day tired. I feel like my fun factor has really dropped and I don't honestly know how to get it back. Being between tears and anger all the time isn't fun. I just want to feel like me again.

Maggie and I went to the region 4 NATRC convention this past weekend. We took 3 horses with us. I got to ride both Liberty and Freeley. Liberty did great, but it showed me where we still need work. He's still not completely stopping when I want, but the head shaking has gotten much better. I realized that he's doing everything I taught him, but I need to turn down the volume to get a more mellow reaction. He's almost trying too hard. Once I get a better whoa out of him, I can start riding him out more. He's still rushing the hills, but I almost think I'm going to just have to hang on and let him figure those out on his own. He goes down fine ponied so it doesn't seem to be a matter of not being able to. I think we both get nervous and then I clamp down on him and he speeds up so we are feeding each other. everyone told me how cute he was, which of course, I really liked! Maggie rode Freeley in the obstacle class and they had a pretty good run.

Maggie got an award for 6th place horse with Brody and they got the team combo award for the year. It was pretty cool to have her get that and I was really grateful to Jackie for letting Maggie ride him. She really misses him and I wish she'd let them ride again, but she has decided to use him for more cutting type work and doesn't want the kids to mess him up.

I can't decide what I want to do for NATRC or AERC this year. I got to thinking that going to an endurance ride would be fun, but I know Liberty isn't ready yet. Maggie was going to ride Joe Bear, but after this weekend she isn't sure she wants to. He kept yanking on her. Of course, if we're going to do an endurance ride we can theoretically go as fast as we like, so I keep going back and forth. I don't know that I want to drive to Houston and do the ride and then drive home alone...I just feel so tired of the driving and I want to pay off bills so we can get out of debt, which means not driving so far to rides. My original plan was to do the AERC ride in February and then a trail challenge, which I hoped would be Liberty's first ride...just a lot to think about. The NATRC folks really acted like they'd like us to come to their ride. I'm going to have to wait I guess. The good news is that if we go to the ride in Houston we can stay over till Monday and then come back, but then Maggie will have to turn around and leave 2 days later for her vacation with her dad and I don't think she wants to do that either.

I almost wonder if we should hang up competing and just ride for fun this year, at least till Deli's foal comes. I'm thinking about what will happen with the money for Deli's foaling if anything goes wrong and I feel like I should build up a pile of cash and lay low.

Well,I do feel better after writing in here. Not sure why, but my dread for the day has lessened. I'm just tired and I'm always tired after traveling. I just want to be happy again and I want to understand why I am not happy.

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