Sunday, February 10, 2008

On Feeling Left Out

Today was a beautiful day and I wanted to ride...only I had to teach a lesson at 2pm. It's supposed to be a father and daughter but lately it's been just the daughter. I love this kid and I like her dad really well too. I like them well enough to forego trail riding with friends most weeks to see them and teach...but today I was feeling really sad and sorry for myself. I found out that two of my friends were off to Decatur and I hadn't been invited b/c they knew I had to teach at 2pm today. No one was at the barn with whom to ride. I have been delegated to teen trail riding babysitter. The friends I used to ride with all the time are no longer available when I am able to ride. I have tried to rework my schedule to get my social riding friend fix, but so far haven't been able to figure out how to get it done. I have been keeping my own schedule and going out to play with my horses at least 2 times per week alone. I like being out there by myself, but sometimes it's odd to be out there all alone with no one except stable hand around. I can't ever get Cat to go. Her reasons range from no gas money to just don't want to. So many people I know out there work during the day and they just ride on weekends or at night, which is when I'm working. Even if I weren't working, I have begun to make an effort to be home at night so we can be together as a family...honestly, there are many times I'd rather be at the barn at night b/c it's when everyone is there, but I know Peter likes us home, so I keep that schedule. Susan and Bird went riding today and I couldn't go. They were actually being nice not asking me since it was their belief I couldn't go, but I feel so left out of things. Every Sunday at 2pm I teach these 2 lessons and it's when everyone is off riding. Most of the time I just accept that it's my life and i really like teaching and being with the students. I just felt like today I had traded all my freedom for $20. I was just feeling so lonely and left out. I feel like I'm in this huge transition period and I know where I've been but don't know where I'm going. I want riding friends who are my friends and love to go riding. I don't want to have to beg someone to ride with me. I want it to be like it used to be when I had more people to ride with and more places to go than I could keep up with in a single day. I really miss seeing Susan every week or every other week.

I'm hoping to get their lessons changed to later in the afternoon so I can have some social riding time and then come back and teach. It was a good lesson today. I worked with Maggie and Emily on negotiating better hills and they did great. Emily is doing fantastic on this horse, Bobbie. I wish her folks would let her have a horse of her own as she would realy excel I think. Bobbie is very laid back, a little on the slow side: perfect for kids!

I tried to talk Mary into going to the trail challenge with me...but she let me know that she just doesn't camp. I'm so bummed b/c Maggie is going to be at the cheerleader's lock in and I can go by myself and have an adult weekend...only I can't get anyone to go with me. I don't know if it will be more depressing to go alone and be alone all weekend on my own, or if it will be worse to just not go.

I don't guess we're going to the Scamper either. Maggie just doesn't want to ride Freeley in competition. I can't understand it. He's so awesome and I know if she would just ride him they could be a great team. But, to be honest, he was a little off today. His canter wasn't right. He's just missing some of his get up and go...he's almost 19 and he shouldn't be "old" but he's starting to feel like he's slowing down. Maybe it was just a fluke today, but he just hasn't had the same motivation the last few times I've taken him out. I feel like his heart just isn't in it these days. I don't know if he's just hurting and trying to fake it and pretend he's not hurting, or if he doesn't really like Maggie riding him either. I think he's a little jealous of Liberty, but since Liberty actually seems to want to hang out with me, I admit that it's easier to grab him and play.

I have got to get over feeling so down. I can accept that part of it is just hormones, but I can't drag on being this emotional much longer. I've been sad the last 3 days thinking about all these things...Maggie is growing up and would rather ride with her friends. I'd rather ride with my friends too, but don't seem to have any that are free. I feel like I could just go in a corner and cry and cry. I hate feeling like that. I hate crying and having no one comfort me and I hate crying when there is anyone around...quite a contradiction. What I mean is that I could cry right now and I am home and feel like I wouldn't be comforted, so if I can't be comforted by someone at home, I would rather just cry where there isn't anyone to see me, so I don't feel quite so ignored. He's not ignoring me to be mean I'm sure...I just don't think men in general know what to say or what to do when women cry, so ignoring us is so much easier. Or I get told what it is I have done to cause this situation myself, or how I should fix it, when the bottom line is that I'm just sad and needing to be held while I have a good cry.

I usually ride on Monday, but says it's going to rain, so I guess I will come back home and do paperwork tomorrow and Tuesday. Hopefully I can ride again on Wednesday. Jackie and I were going to ride tomorrow, but she has other things she has to do, so I'd be on my own again anyway. It some how feels less lonely to be home alone than it does to be at the barn all alone. I'm just so tired of feeling blah.

No comments: