Monday, April 25, 2016

life as we know it

Life as I have known it will be coming to an end this week. The changes I have made are going to be permanent and Final. It is strange to know that life has taken such a big time. When I was younger I always thought I would be one of those people who married, had 2.5 kids and 2.5 dogs and maybe a horse and stays married forever. Instead I have married three times and failed miserably each time. Of course, I had help feeling it is not entirely my fault. However I do wish that things could have gone differently. I have made friends and now some of those friends will be lost to me because people feel the need to choose sides Whenever there is a divorce.

I am in an emotionally strange place this week. On one hand I want to reach out and play with new friends and old. On the other hand I just want to stay home, watch TV do crafts and crochet. I'm not sure which of these will ultimately went out. Probably the extrovert will beat down the introvert in the long run. I'm finding that there are things that I normally like to do that I just don't feel like doing right now.

However, there are things I need to be doing such as going to the gym, eating good food and riding my horses.  I need to practice making decisions for myself and not asking other opinions. I need to practice doing the things I want to do regardless of what other people think I should be doing. I need to do things that make me happy and healthy and even though that's selfish consider other second for a while.  This is hard for me. I am used to gauge and what should be done by what other people want. It is my nature to help them before I help myself.

Recently I befriended someone who let me down. I thought they were someone else then they projected themselves to be. When confronted with the reality of who they actually were instead of talking it out they ran. I'm glad it happened now since they were a new trend but at the same time it was difficult to accept that I needed to just walk away.  On the other hand someone I thought I had let me down prove to be a lot more steadfast and faithful than I would have imagined. I let them down as well by turning my back on them when they needed me and not talking to that. I think their relationship is repaired but it may be a while before I know for sure. ( and yes I know that they and them is the improper pronoun for the subject but I do not wish to name people as him or her in this setting)

I just came back from a trip to Missouri to see both my father and my mother. My dad's 82nd birthday is today. A couple weeks ago my stepmother suggested that I come to visit as a surprise to my dad. He was very surprised. I've been also stopped to see my mom and that was nice too. In both cases I did not have enough time but it was pleasant to catch up and sit with each parent and talk a little bit. It was especially nice to talk with my mother. We talk as friends and shared some details about our life and how we are feeling about something. It was nice to be able to share those feelings without criticism for other person on either side.

This has made me want to spend more time with my own daughter who is just now finishing high school. She finished all her classes last week and will soon be working full-time most likely for a few weeks she has a little more spare time on your hands. I have reached out to her in an effort to spend more time with her however she is busy. I am told this is pretty normal for kids her age but I still wish that she were free to spend more time with me. I know that all too soon she will be out on her own and away from home and I will experience an empty nest For Better or For Worse.

In the meantime, there is work there is friendship there are horses. There is natrc to occupy my time. I have lots of work to do I just have to get on with doing it and all the while make some time for myself so that I don't overdo it. Life as I have known it will actually continue pretty much as it has in the past. Except now I have to find to find a decent health insurance policy and pay more taxes.

No comments: