Life is weird

I'm going through a period where everything seems like it's out of sync. My days don't flow like I want them to. I'm haunted by some unexplained anxiety in the back of my mind. I'm doing things I enjoy. Music and massage therapy are both picking up, yet, I'm haunted by some undefined stress in the back of my mind. I have forgotten how to just be care free and have fun with complete abandon. There is always some project that needs to be done and no matter how much I get done, I still feel like I'm never finished. I don't know if I'm putting undo pressure on myself to accomplish some intangible thing or if there is something that needs to be done at the root of it all and I haven't found out what it is yet. I sleep "ok" but I dream weird dreams. I second guess myself and wonder if I'm making the best decisions. I want people around me to share my perspective and point of view, yet I lack the persuasive skills to get them onto my team. Instead, i come across as abrasive and bossy. I want to have tranquility. I want to concentrate on reading books and accomplishing tasks each day. Even when I sit and read, I think about what else I should be doing. It's like I have this running commentary and turmoil in the back of my head.

I have wondered if I need medication for ADD or some sort of anti-anxiety medication. So far, what has worked is mixing up Bach flower essences, getting plenty of exercises and just learning not to push myself so hard. I expect a lot out of myself, so sometimes it's really hard to just to take a step back.

In other news: Maggie and I are going to the Hill Country natural area to trail ride and camp in a couple weeks. We went 2 years ago and had such a nice time. There is water and swimming and hours of trails to ride. We're going to take Joe Bear and Freeley, unless I somehow have managed to pick up Deli from Larry's by then. I doubt that I will. I could probably borrow Duchess instead of Joe Bear, but I want to take the little guy. He's so great on the trail and she had such a good time with him last time we went. After our trip to Bandera, I'm leaving Maggie with Shawn's parents in the Hill Country. I'll have a whole week to myself. If I have earned enough money, I will taking some riding lessons with a lady in Georgetown on the way home. I want to get some Centered Riding in on this trip to save gas. Once I get my clinics or lessons done, I can take the instructors training in 2008. This will give me the credentials I need to teach more adults and have folks take me a little more seriously in the ring.

We rode today, even though it was hot. We tried to do some interval training, but Joe Bear wasn't cooperating. Maggie would like to compete him, but I'm just not sure his P&R will ever be suitable. After the canter work, and the walking and a 10 minute rest, he was still breathing over 17/15 seconds. Freeley OTOH was just marvelous. I think he might make a dressage horse. I'm not sure he tossed his head one time today. I love that horse!